The Need to Live in the Light

The Need to Live in the Light

TIM HAD BEEN THE YOUTH PASTOR of a thriving Baptist church for six years when allegations surfaced that he had been sexually involved with one of the high school girls in his youth group. When Pastor Thomas confronted him about such accusations, Tim admitted that they were true, and tearfully asked the church leadership for forgiveness. The pastor went on to question him further about other possible incidents with girls in the church. Tim sincerely denied that there were any other relationships. The church board accepted his apology at face value and decided that exposing Tim’s sin to the congregation was unnecessary. It was dismissed as temporary weakness in the face of temptation, and Tim was allowed to remain as the youth pastor.

Close to three years later more incidents began to come to light. Once again, the pastor confronted Tim with the information he had received. And again Tim (just as before) admitted only to that on which he was questioned. This time, Pastor Thomas asked him to resign his position. Upon his request, he was allowed to make a statement to the congregation at a church business meeting. Because the charming young minister painted such a wrenching, yet believable, picture of contrition, the church immediately voted to continue his salary as he went through a process of restoration and counseling. However, it was discovered later that even during this period of rehabilitation Tim continued having sexual encounters with other teen-age girls.

Henry ran one of the most successful drug rehabilitation ministries in the country. He was very articulate and had a natural ability to conduct himself in a professional manner. Charismatic and brimming with confidence, he was a picture of the new leadership rising up in the Church of the nineties. Unbeknownst to those around him, he was regularly visiting prostitutes and having sexual relationships with women in his community.

Keith, a third generation Pentecostal minister, was one of the promising young preachers of his denomination. He had such an ability to touch people emotionally that he was constantly in demand as a speaker. Everyone loved Keith. Even the superintendent of his denominational district took him under his wing as his personal protege. If he had been aware of Keith’s secret life, things would have been quite different. After most of his speaking engagements, Keith would “reward” himself at the local massage parlor. He had also began to drink, carrying a flask around with him wherever he went. His wife knew of his secret life but covered for him in fear of damaging their reputation within the denomination.

These stories represent a massive underworld that is currently thriving within the realm of American Christianity. A recent survey taken by Promise Keepers revealed that sixty-five percent of the men questioned reported the regular usage of pornography.1 I suspect this large percentage reflects the fact that men struggling with sexual sin tend to be drawn to Promise Keepers. Nevertheless, sexual sin is undoubtedly a problem of enormous proportions in the body of Christ, and is usually unreported. There are numerous reasons why these men keep their sin hidden.

First, sexual sin is shameful to admit. In our society, a person can be glorified for being a “Don Juan,” but just about any other sexual behavior that is out of control is looked upon with suspicion and even disdain. If a man admits his struggles to his pastor, from that day he wonders what his pastor thinks of him. “Is he thinking I’m weird? Is he concerned about me being around the teenagers, or worse, the children? Was that sermon about lust aimed at me? Has he told others in the church about my problem?” These concerns make it difficult for the struggling believer to confide in his pastor, let alone others in the church.

Secondly, even though our society does not consider fornication or even adultery to be shameful, these sins are considered big “no-nos” in the evangelical movement. A woman can have a terrible habit of spreading gossip in the church, a man can be obsessed with his work at the expense of his family, or someone can be extremely critical of those around them, but these, as well as many other sins, are overlooked in the Church. However, if a man admits to committing adultery, he is instantly judged as someone who is far from God. Although that is probably the truth, there is certainly a double standard within the body of Christ.

Another factor that contributes to a man keeping his sin covered, is that it is fairly easy to live a double life of outward religion and secret sexual sin. Unlike alcohol or drug abuse, a man can maintain an outwardly normal life without being discovered. There is a lifestyle that goes with getting high. Drugs and alcohol affect a person’s ability to function. Most are unable to keep this kind of a habit secret. But with sexual addiction, a man can be a president, a celebrity, even a famous evangelist, and still maintain an outward facade of respectability.

When the Inward and Outward Do Not Line Up

We all have an inside world that is made up of the different parts of our inner man: the heart, soul, mind, spirit, will, intellect and emotions. It is the life that goes on inside of us: our thoughts, feelings, attitudes, sentiments and opinions. This is where dreams are born and failures grieved, the place where intricate processes are put into motion and life’s decisions are contemplated. Here we also find the conflicting emotions of love and hate, like and dislike, attraction and repulsion. Our inside world is where we live our daily existence. Some people are considered “open” because they are not afraid to show their thoughts and feelings with other people. Others are thought to be “closed,” feeling anxious when people become too intimate. Regardless of how willing a person is to talk about his feelings, the truth is, he will never completely allow another to intimately know the deepest part of his inner man. This is an extremely private place, an inner sanctum—a holy of holies, so to speak.

The outward life stands in contrast to the inside world. This is how we speak and act in front of other people. We all have an image which we attempt to maintain—a way in which we want other people to view us. One person might want to be seen as someone who is intellectual and cultured. Another might want to portray himself as being tough, while yet another will want to be seen as sweet. The impressions we wish to project are woven into everything we say and do in the presence of other people.

The tendency to project ourselves the way we want others to view us also carries over into the spiritual life where we encounter the overwhelming temptation to make ourselves appear in a favorable light. If we are Christians surrounded by other Christians, we tend to project ourselves as being “spiritual.” Why? In Christian circles, looking “spiritual” is what causes others to admire and respect us. For someone to admit fault, defeat or (horror of horrors) flagrant sin, would be to admit to being a failure at Christianity.

Because Jesus understood the fears people wrestle with, He took the time to address this issue one day. Turning to His closest followers, He gave them this sober warning:

“Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. But there is nothing covered up that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known. Accordingly, whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in the inner rooms shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. And I say to you, My friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear the One who after He has killed has authority to cast into hell; yes, I tell you, fear Him!” (Luke 12:2–5)

We all have, to some degree, a fear of what other people think of us. I suppose it begins on the playground where kids can be so cruel to one another. The fear is deepened during the awkward teenage years and becomes embedded during adulthood. Jesus says that we must overcome these fears and instead concentrate our fears upon God, “the One who after He has killed has authority to cast into hell; yes, I tell you, fear Him!” In other words, we should be more concerned about the reality of our inward spiritual condition than how we look outwardly in the eyes of man.

The conflict between the way we present ourselves outwardly and the way we live our lives inwardly is a predominant theme in Scripture. Paul said, “For he is not a Jew who is one outwardly; neither is circumcision that which is outward in the flesh. But he is a Jew who is one inwardly; and circumcision is that which is of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the letter; and his praise is not from men, but from God.” (Romans 2:28–29) Peter told the Christian women of his day, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” (I Peter 3:3–4 NIV) God said through the prophet Isaiah, “These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.” (Isaiah 29:13) And to the prophet Samuel He said, “God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)

There are over two thousand direct references to the inner life in the Bible, but it is indirectly referred to on almost every page. It is clear that Scripture places an enormous emphasis on what goes on inside us. Many Christians today closely resemble the Pharisees, addressed by Jesus in Luke 11:39, who “...clean the outside of the cup and of the platter; but inside of (them, they) are full of robbery and wickedness.” In essence, they ignore the importance of the inward life and choose to concentrate on presenting the most favorable outward appearance.

The Apostle John also observed this happening around him. In his first epistle, he said the following in regard to this dichotomy:

If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us. (I John 1:6–10)

Figure 4–1

In the chart above, we can see a breakdown of those verses in John’s epistle. There are three categories. The first, what we say, is simply what we convey to those around us. The second classification is what we do. Our actions speak of our true condition, what we are really like. The third category describes the result, the consequence of what we say and what we do. When a person blameshifts, minimizes or conceals his sin, the message he sends to those around him is that he has no sin. Of course, he may never actually say the words, “I have no sin.” He simply tries to convince others of his innocence by masking it or minimizing it. When John wrote these words he was simply referring to all Christians. Everyone certainly has some degree of sin—no one is exempt. Those who are in unrepentant sexual sin are all the more guilty of hypocrisy because their sin is much deeper than that of the average believer.

John clearly shows us how vitally important it is to bring our sin into the “light” through open confession. The Greek word for confession, homologeo, literally means “to be of one mind, to bring oneself into agreement with another.” Whether or not we acknowledge, to ourselves or to others, that our sin is present, it still exists and God sees it. When we confess our sin, or “walk in the light,” the blood of Christ graciously cleanses us from guilt, and we come into fellowship with the believer we opened up to. It is not enough for a person to come to grips with his sin. He must come into the light with others. Darkness is the devil’s domain. Those who refuse to come into the light about their sin are choosing to remain in darkness.

Exposure

The Christian who thinks he can continue hiding his sin will eventually discover that God loves him too much to allow him to remain bound to his secret sin. It may become evident in his speech (Proverbs 12:13), by his leering at girls (Matthew 6:23) or his mannerisms. At some point, his secret life will be exposed to those around him. Jesus promised this when He said, “For nothing is hidden that shall not become evident, nor anything secret that shall not be known and come to light.” (Luke 8:17)

Tom was a pastor of a small church in Iowa. He was also addicted to pornography and often frequented prostitutes in a nearby city. It became increasingly difficult for him to lead this double life. People respected him as their spiritual leader, and yet there were times when the filth of his mind was quite obvious to others. Because he was watching pornographic movies regularly, he was well accustomed to their sexual language. Once, while amongst some of the church women, he dropped a dish, which shattered when it hit the floor, and before he knew it, he had uttered a curse word. On another occasion, his eyes followed a scantily dressed girl as she walked by, and when he turned back around he discovered one of his deacons observing him.

The Christian who is involved in sexual sin will only be able to hide his true identity for so long. God has been known to bring humiliation upon one of His children in order to get his attention. If He feels that He needs to do so, He will. He is very patient and gentle with us, but He loves us too much to leave us in our sin.

This was the case for a minister who was having an adulterous affair with one of the women in his church. One day he was talking to his girlfriend on his office telephone. They were having a sexual conversation when somehow, without him being aware of it, he accidently flipped on the intercom button. The whole conversation ended up being piped throughout the church. Later, he was able to look back and see how God had repeatedly tried to get his attention, but to no avail.

Another man’s sin, who was a deacon in a large church, was discovered in an entirely unforeseeable way. His church was filming a short documentary on teenage runaways. As they filmed one of the girls posing as a prostitute for the movie, this man drove up to solicit her. Imagine his surprise and utter embarrassment when he found out that the entire youth group of his church saw that movie.

Needless to say, God will use any method to get one’s attention—even public humiliation. God will not strive with man forever!

The Deception of Sexual Sin

People are prone to overlook their deeply embedded sin because it has an extremely deceptive nature. There exists an interesting correlation between a person’s involvement with sin and his awareness of it. The more a person becomes involved in sin, the less he sees it. Sin is a hideous disease that destroys a person’s ability to comprehend its existence. It could be compared to a computer virus that has the ability to hide its presence from the user while it systematically destroys the hard drive. Typically, those who are the most entangled in sin are the very ones who cannot see its presence at work inside them. Sin has the ability to mask itself so well that it can actually make the person who deals with it the least, think he is the most spiritual.

On the other hand, the more a person overcomes sin in his life and draws closer to God, the more glaringly his nature of sin stands out. God “dwells in unapproachable light” (I Timothy 6:16) and so consequently, every remnant of selfishness, pride, and sin is going to be exposed to the sincere seeker. The intense, brilliant light of God exposes what is in a person’s heart. Those who want to draw near to Him rejoice because of this. They love the Light and so they embrace it, even though it means their true selves will be unmasked. Jesus said, “And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God.” (John 3:19–21)

If an individual who is bound by sexual sin hopes to turn his life around, it is crucial that he comes into the light with “the sin which doth so easily beset” him, so that he may finally “lay aside every weight” and walk in victory through Jesus Christ. (Hebrews 12:1)

If it appears that I am promoting the idea that one should walk around berating himself or beating himself down, nothing could be further from the truth. I am however, advocating the need for a person to come into reality about where he is spiritually. His only hope is to have something real in God. Keeping himself hyped up in a false sense of security will only keep him buried under the burden of unconfessed sin, which in turn will further the delusion about his spirituality.

On the back of the application for the Pure Life Live-In Program for sexual addicts is the following:

Please rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 in the following areas (“10” being very godly and “1” being very carnal):

Men who come to us for help are often struggling with the deepest perversions imaginable. With this in mind, it would probably surprise you to see how they rate themselves spiritually. Typically, the applicants rate themselves fairly high on everything except self-discipline. It is not uncommon to see six’s, seven’s, and even eight’s across the board in their self-evaluation. How can this be? The majority of them come into the program thinking of themselves as being fairly godly people with only “one small problem.”

It takes months of patient work on the part of our counselors to help a man see that he is not as godly as he has thought he was and that there is much work to be done in his life. It is only then that his hardened heart begins to soften, and he finally sees his need for the Lord. The attitude he entered the program with, that he was fairly godly with only one small problem, gradually dissipates, and we can begin to help him. Why is it so important for him to come to this realization? If he believes that he is in fairly good shape spiritually, he will not see his need to change, grow, mature, or even repent. We have occasionally had to ask men who have come to the program with such an attitude, “If you’re so godly and have it so together, why are you here?” This question is not meant to insult them, but it quickly brings them into some sort of reality; humility is now produced so that we can begin to lead them onto the path of victory.

Living in the Light

Being honest is an extremely important issue for the man struggling with sexual sin. Honesty begins with examining one’s own heart, thought life, and actions. In this process, the man who wants God will humble and brace himself for the unavoidable conclusion: “I am not nearly as godly as I imagined myself to be. If I’m ever going to change, I must quit fooling myself and others. I am where I am, spiritually. Keeping an inflated perspective of my spirituality is only hindering any real growth. The truth is that my heart is full of wickedness. My thinking has become increasingly warped. I have hurt God and my family by my actions. I need to repent.” Being brutally honest with oneself is crucial, but it is only the beginning. One man who had been convicted for attempted rape but later struggled his way out of sexual addiction said, “If you don’t want to get rid of the problem, confess it only to God. If you want to get rid of the problem, confess it to another person. And if you really want to get rid of the problem, keep yourself accountable!” Yet another man who is now living in victory said, “I confessed my sin to God for years. I mean I poured my heart out, begging for His forgiveness, but it was within weeks of starting to confess to another brother, that I obtained victory!”

A man who is struggling needs to be honest with himself and at least one other person. That person should be a godly Christian who is strong in the Word. He should also be the kind of man who is willing to lovingly confront the confessor about his sin as well as encourage him in his growth in righteousness. The pastor of a Bible believing, preaching, practicing church would be a good place to start.

There is great healing in confession (James 5:16), and it only benefits a person in his commitment to change. Just knowing that there is someone who is aware of his secret life and is exhorting him toward victory is a tremendous help. Solomon said, “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.” (Proverbs 28:13)

One thing that tends to exacerbate the problem further is that sexual addicts are very prone to isolating themselves from other people. As we will discover later, fantasy plays a huge part in their daily lives. This keeps them in a closed-in world of extreme self-centeredness. Breaking out of that isolation is a key step toward coming out of the darkness of sexual sin.

The double life must be dismantled no matter what. Satan knows the power he has within secrecy. The man who wants to remain in his sin avoids exposure at all cost. However, the man who is serious about overcoming it, exposes his sin so that he is less likely to succumb to the temptations when they arise later. Living in a double life prevents a solid foundation of godliness from being formed. James said that the double minded man is “unstable in all of his ways.” (James 1:8) He will never experience real spiritual stability.

I have heard people tell me many times that they do not have anyone to confess to. What they were really saying is that they themselves were not desperate enough to seek out someone that might be able to assist them. As mentioned earlier, if a man is determined to break free from the hold of sexual sin, he will do whatever it takes. Making oneself transparent to another person is one of the difficult things that must be done. A man may institute all of the other steps outlined in this book into his life, but if he hedges on this one, all other efforts might prove to have been in vain.

We must ask the question of the ninth chapter: “How much do you care?” When you get to the place that you are truly sick of the sin in your life, will you be willing to do anything, even making yourself vulnerable to another person? What could stop you? Only the desire to save face, to save reputation, and protect self. Real deliverance from sexual sin can never be possible until the heart is opened up and exposed. Glossing over, hiding and masking one’s true inner person will only keep oneself locked into darkness.

Find someone in your church to open up to. If you do not know who would be best, go to your pastor and explain to him that you want to make yourself accountable to someone and ask him for guidance to identify who would be most trustworthy. You will find that on-going accountability will prove to be a very important step in the overcoming process.

Secondly, if you are a married man it is important to open up to your wife. I have had men tell me that they could not bear to hurt their wives who are unaware of their problem. I only reply, “If you were all that concerned about your wife, you wouldn’t have committed the sin in the first place. And not only that, but it’s your sin that is hurting your wife. She may not know about it, but you are destroying your home because of it.” Truthfully, the man is not concerned about hurting his wife as much as he is about making the painful confession to her of what he is really like. It is not the knowledge of the sin that is hurting the wife but the sin itself! In countless different ways, a person with illicit sex in his life hurts his loved ones. Yes, truth hurts, but it is far more preferable over sin when one compares the consequences of both. Hiding his sin is just another way that the self-centered lifestyle of a sexual addict manifests itself. In truth, he is far more concerned about the cost he will have to pay for his transparency than the possible harm done to his loved ones.

While it is important that a man opens up to his wife, she should not be his “accountability partner.” Such a responsibility of sharing the details of his failures is asking too much of her. Primarily, he needs to bring the essence of the sin out in the open to her so that she is aware of his secret life. She will then be able to hold him accountable with his time and money. Once she is aware of his struggles, she will be much more alert to his schemes to acquire money or time for his sin. A godly wife, who will help her husband in this way, is priceless to the man who wants freedom.

True Biblical Accountability

As I mentioned before, bringing secret sin into the open is vital. But biblical accountability was never meant to be a group of men sitting in a circle discussing their failures. Such a setting may be somewhat helpful to men who need to bring their sin out into the open with others, but there is no power in such a situation to bring about their needed deliverance.

A person can only lead another spiritually as far as he has gone himself. Jesus said, “...if a blind man guides a blind man, both will fall into a pit.” (Matthew 15:14) It is helpful to a certain extent to open up with other people about one’s struggles. But there is a biblical principle that is far more powerful in its ability to change lives. What men greatly need is to be discipled. “What do you mean? I’ve read all the books on sexual addiction. I’ve heard the best sermons on Christian radio. I just need a little bit of accountability!”

It might surprise the reader to find out that the word “accountability” is not mentioned once in the Bible. The concept is in Scripture, but not in the weak way in which it is currently used today. Instead, the biblical concept is that of being discipled. I am not referring to receiving more information about Christianity. Listening to good sermons and reading interesting books can be helpful, but what the immature Christian needs most is for a mature saint to take him under his wing, so to speak, and bring godly instruction into his life. (This is what we do in the Pure Life Live-In Program.) The spiritual growth that is necessary for the man who is in the grip of sin will not come about by simply talking with other struggling men, nor will it come by acquiring more head knowledge on the subject. It only comes through true discipleship—Christ-centered discipleship.

Jesus had those occasions when He spoke to the multitudes, but He spent enormous amounts of time building spiritual character into the small group of men under His care. A man may hear sermons, but unless he is held accountable to respond to those words, he probably will not benefit from what was said. The man is lost in a crowd of listeners. He can ignore, disregard, even disagree with what he is hearing, and is never required to face the truth of what is being stated.

However, when a godly man dedicates himself to discipling the struggling Christian brother, something powerful happens. Truth is imparted. Sin is dealt with head on. The mentor expects change. Most importantly, the man experiences firsthand someone who is walking in the light and confronting him. This is the biblical pattern for accountability. It seems that in the busy lifestyle Americans live, pastors no longer have the time to mentor men as they once did. Sin is running rampant in the Church because Christians can now live out their lives without any true accountability for their actions.

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1 As reported in New Creation Ministries’ December, 1999 newsletter.

[1]Gallagher, S. 2000, c1986. At The Altar Of Sexual Idolatry . Pure Life Ministries: Dry Ridge, KY