A Sledgehammer and a Mirror

Last week, I was able to stand here and witness the vows of a newly married couple. I so enjoy officiating weddings. But, in the back of my mind, I wonder what will happen to each couple I officiate. I have set them up for success through counseling. I will pray for them and be active in their lives. But every couple has a choice what they will do in their marriage. Will they actively work to be God-honoring and one with their spouse? Or will they settle into the cultural way of living and drift aimlessly towards divorce.

According to statistics, almost 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation.

In case you wondered, that breaks out into 41% percent of all first marriages, 60% of all second marriages, and 73% of all third marriages.

Thankfully, the divorce rate is dropping in the United States. However, the marriage rate is also dropping. More couples are opting to live together rather than to commit to marriage.

If you wondered, the professions with the highest divorce rates are dancers, bartenders, ad Massage Therapists.

The professions with the lowest divorce rates are clergy, optometrists, and agricultural engineers.

Over the past several weeks, we have discussed how the culture views different subjects and how the church views different subjects. We have acknowledged that sometimes both the culture and the church is wrong. Because the culture is against God and the church is reacting against the culture.

We are called to look at the Bible and see what truth is, despite what culture or a church tells us.

Divorce is one of those subjects, where sometimes both culture and the church is wrong.

I realize that I could be taking my life into my hands with this sermon. I know many pastors who were fired because they preached on divorce, either for or against.

My goal is to present what Scripture actually says. We might disagree, but hopefully we can disagree based upon Scripture, and not on culture or tradition.

Let’s read Paul’s view on the matter:

1 Corinthians 7:8–16 NIV

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

This is such a short passage, but it is amazing how many thick books have been written on it.

Before we dive in, let us pray.

Today we are going to talk about divorce and remarriage.

Divorce

We will begin with divorce. No matter what we believe about this topic, most people like a black and white rule: either divorce is fine, or divorce is not. Either remarriage is fine, or remarriage is not. But, nothing in life is black and white. We live in the grey of sin.

I am not saying that God did not give us a standard to live by. His truth never changes. However, sometimes our understanding of his truth is wrong. And sometimes, because of our sin, we take his truth too far or not far enough.

That begin said, let’s define what divorce is.

Divorce is the process of terminating a marriage. Pretty much everyone knows this definition.

Scripturally, divorce is a separation. In Paul’s day, a husband or a wife in Roman society could say: I’m leaving. They would pack their bags and move out. Even though they did not get a certificate of divorce from the courts, society and the law considered them divorced.

In todays society, we have split those terms. There are some people who are legally separated, which means they are still married, but they are living apart, having separate finances, etc. In Paul’s day, that would have been considered a divorce, because each party was refusing to honor the marriage commitment.

Today, we also have what is called an annulment. Annulments are done through legal and religious means to declare a marriage null and void. It simply says that the marriage never took place.

I’m going to say something rather strong. Scripture in no way teaches annulment. Annulments profess that something never happened. Which is another definition for a lie. The law and the church should never take part in lies. A bit of money never erases one’s past.

Okay, I’m off the soap box.

A divorce terminates a marriage.

What does Scripture say about divorce?

Divorce was not in the perfect plan of God.

Paul says:

1 Corinthians 7:10–11 NIV

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

Paul says that he is giving the command of the Lord. He is passing on what Jesus said when Jesus was on the earth. Divorce was not created by God.

We could boil all the Biblical passages against divorce into two reasons.

Image of God

First, divorce destroys the image of God.

When Jesus was on earth, some Pharisees questioned him about divorce.

Mark 10:2–9 NIV

Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” “What did Moses command you?” he replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

God fused together husband and wife to be one, even as he is one. Together, the husband and wife were to show who God is to the world around. A divorce shatters that image.

Message of Gospel

Second, a divorce destroys the message of the Gospel. The Gospel is a message of reconciliation.

We were enemies of God. Now, we are reconciled with him. We are brought close into a intimate relationship.

In the same way, we get to bring that message of reconciliation with others.

Paul speaks of the Jews and the Gentiles who were always at each other’s throats.

Ephesians 2:14–16 NIV

For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility.

Christians should always be seeking reconciliation. Divorce should not be a knee-jerk reaction to us. In Christ, we should continually be seeking reconciliation.

When we quickly seek divorce, we are saying that the Gospel cannot reconcile.

Divorce was not in the perfect plan of God

Divorce is allowed because of sinful, hardened hearts

However, divorce was allowed because of sinful hardened hearts.

Remember what we just read from Mark?

The Pharisees told Jesus:

Mark 10:4–5 NIV

They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.

Jesus was referencing Deuteronomy 24 1-4

Deuteronomy 24:1–4 NIV

If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.

We as humans are naturally sinful. We naturally are selfish and do not want to reconcile with someone who has hurt us. We naturally see the grass on the other side of the fence and think that it would be so good to eat.

Because of our sin, divorce was given. It was not given because of our righteousness.

Because of sin, Jewish tradition allowed divorce, specifically in cases of adultery, cruelty, humiliation, persistent refusal to provide food or clothing, willful conjugal neglect and emotional neglect.

It was a way of protection for the weaker partner. It was designed as a protection of a partner from misuse by the other. Again, because of sin.

Through the years, the boundaries on divorce became looser and looser. By the time Paul was writing, a man could divorce his wife for pretty much anything. However, a wife could not divorce her husband.

In Roman society, husbands and wives could divorce for any reason. We have documents describing certain society ladies as those who married just so that they could divorce.

We acknowledge that divorce was not in the perfect plan of God at the beginning of time. We acknowledge that divorce was allowed in the OT law because of our sinful, hardened hearts.

However, what does that mean for us now? We are not under the law any more. We are called to reflect God and his Gospel. So, where does divorce fit in?

Divorce is allowed in specific instances as a last resort

In the New Testament, divorce is allowed in specific instances as a last resort.

Again, the status quo for the Christian is to pursue reconciliation. We go to counseling, we seek help, we are honest with friends and church members so that they can pray for us.

As a last resort, when all avenues for reconciliation have been pursued and sin is still happening without repentance, divorce is an option for specific instances.

Adultery

When Jesus was talking to the Pharisees, Jesus says that adultery was a cause for divorce, protecting a spouse from the emotional and societal damage of sexual unfaithfulness.

Matthew 19:9 NIV

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

If you think about it, someone who has committed adultery has already destroyed the marriage. The command for marriage is leave all others and cleave to the partner and become one flesh. Someone who commits adultery has destroyed the one-flesh aspect of marriage.

The process of divorce is merely acknowledging what has already happened.

A couple is encouraged to through counseling to seek healing from this tragic sin. However, if the party who was sexually immoral is refusing to repent, than divorce is allowed as a last resort.

Abandonment

Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 adds another instance for divorce. Abandonment.

1 Corinthians 7:12–16 NIV

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Some notes on this passage. First, Jesus did not teach on this topic when he was on earth. He had not died yet, so there were no saved people yet. Paul is saying that he is not sharing direct teachings of Jesus, but he is sharing inspired teachings as an apostle of Jesus Christ, building on what Jesus had taught and what had been revealed to him.

Even when a couple is unequally yoked, Paul says that the rule of thumb is not divorce. The situation Paul is talking about is when two have been previously married and then one becomes a Christian, but the other doesn’t. They are to stay married.

Specifically because the non-Christian is seeing the faith of the Christian spouse, in the same way that the kids are. Through the prayers, actions, conversations, attitudes of the Christian spouse the non-Christian spouse and kids are slowly being drawn to Christ.

Paul is not speaking of a Christian marrying a non-Christian. He does not have a box for that. But, I will preach on that another day.

If a non-Christian spouse wants to divorce is recently converted spouse, Paul says he can do that. We are to pursue peace, for the sake of the Gospel. Hopefully, the non-Christian will come to Christ because of the actions of the spouse, even through the divorce process.

This is called abandonment. One spouse abandons another because of beliefs.

In a sense, this abandonment is breaking the marriage, like adultery. Adultery breaks the one-flesh aspect. Abandonment breaks the cleaving to one’s spouse.

Again, counseling should be pursued. However, spousal abandonment is normally not repented of. In those cases of unrepentant abandonment, divorce is allowed.

Abuse

So, we have divorce as a last resort for adultery, abandonment. Now we have abuse.

I, and other conservative Bible scholars, believe that abuse is a form of abandonment.

One’s spouse may impose such intolerable conditions on you that you are forced to leave the home. This forcing from home has the same effect as a spouse packing his or her bags and leaving.

Now, abandonment in the Bible is used in the situation of an unbelieving spouse leaving a believing spouse.

You might ask, what if my spouse is a believer and he or she abandons me? Or, even worse, abuses me?

When someone who is married abandons their spouse, they are sinning against God. When someone who is married abuses their spouse, they are sinning against God.

We studied what happens when someone is living in unrepentant sin in 1 Corinthians 5. They are to be disciplined by the church. Scripture says that if someone is confronted by their sin and refuses to repent and change, they should be treated like a un-believer. So, divorce would be an option.

Again, as a last resort.

In cases of abuse, the abused should remove himself or herself and the kids from the situation, while counseling and legal processes are followed. We should never tell someone to stay in a place where they or someone else will be harmed. God is not in that.

Again, divorce should never be run toward. It is a last resort because it breaks the picture that God designed marriage to be. However, because of our sin, divorce is a last resort option as a way of protection in the situations of adultery, abandonment, and divorce.

Remarriage

Okay, lets talk about remarriage.

Many churches preach that once someone is divorced they cannot get remarried. But, is this true?

Consider some language that both Jesus and Paul uses:

Consider

Matthew 19:9 NIV

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

If someone divorces his wife and marries another, he commits adultery. So, remarriage would seem to be bad.

However, there is the little phrase, “except for sexual immorality”, so remarriage would not be adultery in that situation, at least, that is what some Bible scholars say.

Consider

1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

What does it mean that a brother or sister is not bound in cases of abandonment? Could it be that they are not bound to the restrictions of remarriage?

Let’s explore this.

Allowable in death

We know that when a spouse dies, remarriage is allowed, because death has destroyed the union of marriage.

Paul will say

1 Corinthians 7:39 NIV

A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

Remarriage is allowed in cases of death.

If one thinks about it, when someone is unrepentant in adultery, abandonment, or abuse, and they have been disciplined by the church, treated like a non-believer, they are spiritually dead. Unbelievers are spiritually dead.

If someone is dead, the marriage is dead, and the living spouse is free to remarry.

Again, this is a last resort, and cannot be taken as a black-and-white rule, but on a case-by-case basis, submitting to how God works through his church.

Remarriage is allowable for cases of adultery, abandonment and abuse.

Encouraged for lack of self-control

In fact, sometimes remarriage should be encouraged. As we discussed last week, God created us with sexual desires. Sometimes, those sexual desires are stronger than we can handle.

In those cases, instead of sinning against God, while trying to be Puritan pious, we should get marriage.

Paul writes:

1 Corinthians 7:8–9 NIV

In Corinth, not only were marriage couples engaging in sexual immorality, but the unmarried were as well.

We will talk about singleness in 2 weeks. But, briefly, I will say, Paul says that singleness is a gift, but in the same way, marriage is a gift. A gift to be used and enjoyed.

If we cannot control our desires, we should step bravely through the grace of God into a new marriage, seeking to glorify him with our lives and our enjoyments of his gifts.

Not allowable in flippant divorce

I need to highlight one thing. Remarriage is not allowable in a flippant divorce.

Paul clearly says:

1 Corinthians 7:10–11 NIV

While Paul gives this command to the wife, it applies to the husband as well.

If someone wants a divorce for any reason other than adultery, abandonment, or abuse, remarriage is not an option. In God’s eyes, even if the law says someone is divorced, they are still married. So, they would be committing adultery.

Remember, the rule is divorce is not right. It is permitted because of our sin to protect us. It is not permitted because we have a disagreement, or because we simply cannot stand our spouse, or because we are more attracted to someone else.

There you go: a very brief discussion on divorce and remarriage.

As with any sermon, there are many more aspects that need to be talked about. If you have any questions, please let me know. We will make an appointment. My job is to lead each person into fully understanding God’s Word. I am never too busy for those conversations. But, please schedule them with me.

Grace

Before we close, I need to talk about grace. Our service video is online. The audio is published onto a podcast. I know many different people will be mulling over this sermon. For everyone’s sake, we need to talk about grace.

What if a listener has divorced for the wrong reason? What then? Are you a pariah, not able to fellowship with the church?

So many people create a hierarchy of sins. Some people put divorce up there with homosexuality and prostitution. However, in God’s eyes, we are all the same. We are all sinners in the same way. We are all desperately in need of God’s grace.

I find it interesting that just after Paul says: Don’t divorce, he says: if you do, remain unmarried.

He understands that we are all sinners. We do things that we know are wrong.

Jesus died because of that divorce. Because of his death, God forgives us and he uses us even through and because of our sin.

It is for us to repent, to acknowledge that what we did was wrong. We can come together and rejoice in the God who redeems. Maybe, God will bring you back to your spouse. Maybe he won’t. Either way, we draw a line in the sand and say: I will do what is right.

What if a listener has remarried after the wrong divorce? What then? Do they have to divorce again?

No. You do not have to leave your current husband or wife. It is good to acknowledge the wrong decision, so that it won’t happen again. As we mentioned at the beginning of the sermon, second and third marriages have a much higher chance for divorce. Acknowledging the reasons for the previous divorce, repenting of sin, and submitting to counseling are great steps to prevent the trend from continuing.

Because of God’s grace, he can use you and your new spouse for his glory and his ministry.

I love 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

2 Corinthians 1:3–4 NIV

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

He is able to use our sin and our hardships to help others in the same situation we were in. This only happens when we are open about our lives and allow others to see who we are, mess, sin, and brokenness.

God’s glory is able to shine through those cracks, so that all can see.

Bottom line, we are called to image God and his Gospel. We do that by following God’s ways and by repenting from our sins. Through it all, he is glorified.

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