What!? We're not supposed to talk about that!

Married couples fight. I know that is no shocker to anyone who is married here. Hopefully, it is not a shocker to know that Maggie and I have disagreements too. Thankfully, we don’t have as many as we used to, but we are only human and I am still learning how to be married.

Does anyone want to guess what the top three items that couples fight about?

Sex

Money

Children

Well, today, I am going to talk about what couples fight about, but I am not going to talk about money or children.

So, what does that leave me with?

Exactly.

We are studying 1 Corinthians chapter 7. The chapter brings up huge issues. We will actually be spending the month of September in this chapter.

This week, we are going to talk about sex. Next week, we are going to discuss divorce and remarriage. The third week, we are going to talk about being content where God has placed us. Finally, we will discuss singleness.

Each topic is important, because instead of creating a set of beliefs based upon what the Bible says, often we create a set of beliefs based upon what the culture says, or even based upon what our church says. Unfortunately, the church throughout history has built teachings that are not Biblical because they were trying to react against culture instead of standing firm on truth.

Today, we will talk about sex.

Let’s read the passage.

1 Corinthians 7:1–7 NIV

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

Will you pray with me?

Pray

So, as any good sermon about sex, we must define our terms. We are going to ask three questions today: What is sex? Where is sex to be enjoyed? How is sex to be enjoyed?

What is sex?

First, we must ask: what is sex?

I am not here to give a medical definition. We all know what this is. We’ve learned about it in school. We’ve had whispered conversations with friends when we were young. Perhaps we talked about it with our folks, though we might not have had enough of a conversation with our folks, nor had enough of a conversation with our kids.

We know what sex is, medically and biologically. That’s not what I am going to talk about.

Some of you were beginning to squirm, because you thought I was going to get deeper into this.

I have a session on sex during my premarital counseling talks, and I really enjoy seeing the couples squirm.

I want to talk about sex theologically.

Sex is a gift

The Bible says that sex is a gift. It is given by God to be enjoyed.

Sometime, over the next few years, we will be studying Song of Solomon together. The church is either going to die or grow by leaps and bounds during that time.

Song of Solomon talks about a lot of things, relationally. One of the things it dwells on substantially is sex, and it uses some crazy imagery for it.

Song of Solomon 5:1 is one of such passages. The author speaks of having sex with his wife.

Song of Solomon 5:1 NIV

I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk. Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.

The terms he uses, and I won’t explain them to you, you can figure them out yourself, speaks of enjoyment of the thing which God created.

Sex is a gift which was designed to be good.

Think about when God created the heavens and the earth. He created everything. Then he created Adam and Eve.

Genesis 1:28 NIV

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

This command can only be fulfilled through sex, which was created by God as a reflection of his creative acts.

Then,

Genesis 1:31 NIV

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

God created sex and said: it was very good.

Sex, as God’s gift, does many things. It is essential to making babies. God designed it to bring enjoyment. But it also glorifies God.

I bet those of you who are married do not think about how you are glorifying God when you are with your spouse intimately.

In fact, most couples that I talk to about this look pretty shocked when I talk about how sex glorifies God. But it does. How do I know?

Well, there is 1 Corinthians 10:31

1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

But, theologically, sex deeply glorifies God, because of it’s symbolism.

Consider what Tim Keller wrote in Meaning of Marriage:

Sex is glorious. We would know that even if we didn’t have the Bible. Sex leads us to words of adoration—It literally evokes shouts of joy and praise. Through the Bible, we know why this is true. John 17 tells us that from all eternity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit have been adoring and glorifying each other, living in high devotion to each other, pouring love and joy into one another’s hearts continually (cf. John 1:18; 17:5, 21, 24-25). Sex between a man and a woman points to the love between the Father and the Son (1 Corinthians 11:3). It is a reflection of the joyous self-giving and pleasure of love within the very life of the triune God.

Sex is glorious not only because it reflects the joy of the Trinity but also because it points to the eternal delight of soul that we will have in heaven, in our loving relationships with God and one another. Romans 7:1ff tells us that the best marriages are pointers to the deep, infinitely fulfilling, and final union we will have with Christ in love.

No wonder, as some have said, that sex between a man and a woman can be a sort of embodied out-of-body experience. It’s the most ecstatic, breathtaking, daring, scarcely-to-be-imagined look at the glory that is our future.

I bet they didn’t teach you that in school.

Sex is a gift

Sex is distorted

While God designed sex as a gift, it has been distorted by our culture, and the cultures throughout the centuries.

Last week, Tim explored ways that we have distorted sex, through so many different ways of sexual immorality—premarital sex, homosexuality, pornography. And the list could continue.

All those ways of sexual immorality boils down to the fact that we have turned sex into a God.

God designed sex to be a way of glorifying him, and instead we have turned the creation into the god we serve, as Pauls hints at in Romans:

Romans 1:24–25 NIV

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

We worship the passion and the pleasure, and we pursue the passion and the pleasure wherever we can.

We can turn on the TV and see it in the shows and the commercials. We watch it in the movies. We read about it in magazines and books.

We could go to school and sit on the buses and in the classrooms, how kids are being taught that sex is something to be pursued outside how God designed it.

If it feels good, do it. Pursue it. Worship it. At least that’s what the culture tells us.

Unfortunately, the church in the last three hundred years has pushed back against that culture. Instead of saying that sex is God, they have said that sex is gross. It is taboo. Not something one talks about.

They have taken the gift, and hid it underneath the basement stairs, so that it has grown moldy and smelly.

Unfortunately, by saying that sex is taboo, they have allowed the culture to train the kids about sex.

All of the couples that I have counseled have said that they learned about sex either from their school health class or from the school bus. Most of them said that they wished they had heard about it from their parents.

We wonder why premarital sex is the norm and why cohabitation is outpacing marriage.

God designed sex to be a gift. We have distorted sex, by saying that it is god or that it is gross.

We need to start speaking the truth.

What is sex? It is a gift.

Where is sex to be enjoyed?

Next question, where is sex to be enjoyed?

Let’s dive into our text:

1 Corinthians 7:1–2 NIV

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.

The first phrase “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman” is what the Corinthians had written to Paul. This is not Paul’s opinion. As with so many of the Corinthian teaching, they had taken what Paul said and twisted it… Come to think of it, that’s what we do all the time too!

The Corinthians said: Sexual immorality is bad, therefore all sexual relations are bad.

Paul says: No! God has designed husband and wife to have sex and to enjoy it!

Where is sex to be enjoyed?

In marriage!

There is no argument about this. No matter the scholarship, everyone agrees that the Bible teaches abstinence until marriage. They just disagree on whether the Bible is applicable to us.

Paul says, because of the temptation for sexual immorality, a husband should have sex with his wife and the wife should have sex with her husband.

If you look at your translation, and you say: “my Bible does not say sexual relations”. The terms that are used in the original language are only used for sexual relations. Paul is not talking about whether someone should get married. He is talking about whether someone should have sex.

He is saying: yes! Sex in marriage!

What does that mean for singles? Well, we will talk about that in a few weeks.

Paul says: Sex is to be enjoyed in marriage.

As a celebration

Let’s dive in a little deeper.

Where is sex to be enjoyed? In a celebration.

Paul uses some very interesting words here. Listen to them.

1 Corinthians 7:3–5 NIV

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

He calls lumps sex in with “marital duties”. Marital duties include sex, but they also include emotional support, financial provision, safety, etc. But, we are talking about sex.

Husbands and wives have a duty to provide sex to each other. I will talk about the duty aspect in a little bit. I mention the duty now because of the nature of the duty.

Husbands have a duty to have sex with their wives, and wives have a duty to provide sex to their husbands. Why? Because there is a desire to have sex.

He says: do not deprive each other of sex. Why? Because there is a desire to have sex.

That desire might look different for guys and girls. That desire might be spurred on differently for guys and girls. The amount of time between the peak desire might be different.

The point is, the desire is there. And when two people come together with the same desire, it becomes a celebration.

An ecstatic, breathtaking, daring, scarcely-to-be-imagined look at the glory that is our future.

As Song of Solomon says:

Song of Solomon 2:16–17 NIV

My beloved is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills.

Which, incidentally, is talking about the celebration of sex.

I am fully aware that when one gets older, the desire for sex diminishes significantly. And sex looks differently after 50, and 60, and 70. Health problems come up. Things change.

However, even then, sex can still be a celebration, as we creatively enjoy each other.

Paul is pushing boundaries in this passage. He is teaching that sex is to be a mutual enjoyment.

Sex is to be enjoyed in marriage, as a celebration.

As a safeguard

Finally, before we get to the last question, sex is to be enjoyed as a safeguard.

Paul teaches that husbands and wives should intentionally pursue one another sexually as a guard against the attacks of the devil.

Paul writes:

1 Corinthians 7:5 NIV

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I will be talking about the time of abstinence that Paul is talking about. But, right now, consider the safeguard: Paul is teaching that husbands and wives should intentionally spend time together sexually because of a lack of self-control.

God designed us to have a sex-drive. Sometimes that sex-drive gets so strong that we lose control.

This is not to say that when we sin sexually it is our spouse’s fault because they did not have sex enough with us. That’s bologna.

What it does mean is that we need to be open with our spouse and ask their help in our struggle against the devil’s schemes.

I know a pastor who worked out at a YMCA. Yes, he lived in a more urban area than us. A gal from the community started working out at that time. They developed a relationship. He began manipulating his schedule so that he would always work out at the time she did. Then, the thought went through his brain, wanting to have sex with her. When that thought happened, he woke up and talked to his wife. The one who is his safeguard. He also changed his workout schedule.

Another pastor became addicted to pornography. He went through addiction recovery. Now, whenever the temptation comes to strongly, he packs up for the day and heads home to his wife, his safeguard.

I know a wife who was not emotionally fulfilled at home. Developed a relationship with a great guy. We know that while men are visual and physical, women are emotional. Men get turned on visually, women get turned on emotionally.

A woman is one step away from a sexual affair by having an emotional affair.

This wife was turned on by a guy who valued her emotions and met that need. But, she turned around and talked to her husband. He became more emotionally attuned, practicing 1 Peter 3:7 with her. Consequently, their sex life became stronger.

Sex is to be enjoyed in marriage, as a celebration and as a safeguard.

So we have answered What is sex? and Where is sex to be enjoyed?

How is sex to be enjoyed?

Finally, our last question: How is sex to be enjoyed?

No, I am not going to talk about positions, or avenues. I’ll save that for a couple’s counseling session, or I could recommend some books.

Paul mentions three ways for sex to be enjoyed.

In service

First, sex is enjoyed in service.

Yes, sex is a desire which is pursued. But, sex is also a gift to be given. A service we offer to the one we love.

Now, we get to that duty word.

1 Corinthians 7:3 NIV

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.

Part of the joy of sex is working for the pleasure of the one you love. Sex is a dance, where we are working for each other’s pleasure.

Now, I have to step carefully. This does not mean that sex is owed or that sex should be forced on someone.

This does not mean that one should be forced to do sexual acts one is not comfortable with or that hurts you. When an action or act is forced on someone or hurts someone, that is called abuse.

What I am saying is: sometimes we are not in the mood to have sex. However, we love our spouse. Because we love them, we serve them for their pleasure. And it just so happens, we get into the mood by helping them.

Now, just in case the gals here think that I am point my finger at them. I am not. This is something that happens in both genders.

You might be amazed at how many guys I know who confess that they regularly turn their wife down because they are too tired. That should not happen.

Paul says:

1 Corinthians 7:4 NIV

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

This is radical, because Paul is giving women of his society equal authority in a marriage relationship as their husbands. They have the ability to say: I enjoy sex: Let’s celebrate together, husband.

Our bodies are gifts we give to our spouse, in service to them.

Sex is enjoyed in service.

In abstinence

Sex is also enjoyed in abstinence.

There is a misconception in some circles that one must say “yes” every time your spouse asks for sex. That is not true.

I am not contradicting myself. Paul allows for times of abstinence, just not for the reasons that we normally give to our spouse.

1 Corinthians 7:5–6 NIV

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command.

There are certain times when we need to be focused on seeking God’s direction. In those times, fasting is needed. Sometimes we fast from food. Sometimes we fast from electronics. Sometimes we fast from sex. We fast from the thing which is distracting us from seeking God.

One case in point: there are some men who are addicted to pornography or other sexual expressions. In order to seek God’s healing, they need to fast from sex.

The important guidelines are: This time of abstinence is mutually agreed on. One spouse cannot force it on the other. This time of abstinence must be for spiritual growth. It isn’t because we are tired, not in the mood, or just hate our spouse in the moment. Finally, this time of abstinence must have a scheduled end.

Paul says these times of abstinence must be the exception, not the norm. If they are norm, something is wrong.

Sex is to be enjoyed in service and in abstinence.

In worship

Don’t worry, I’m almost done.

Finally sex is to be enjoyed in worship.

That is the odd topic I started out with. I know most people are not thinking about God when they are in the heat of the moment.

However, sexual intercourse is a way of worshiping God.

Paul says:

1 Corinthians 7:7 NIV

I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

We don’t know Paul’s marital background. We do know that everyone who was his status as a Pharisee was married. So, he was probably married at some point. His wife might have died, or possibly she left him because of his faith in Jesus Christ. We don’t know. All we know is when he was traveling around, he was single.

We will talk about singleness later. Here is says that everyone has a gift from God. He believes that his singleness is a gift, because he can focus on his ministry.

However, he is not bashing marriage, because he also believes marriage is a gift from God.

Marriage, and the blessings of marriage, including sex, are a gift from God.

What do we do with gifts from God?

You might not like what I am about to do. Peter says:

1 Peter 4:10–11 NIV

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

We use the gifts God has given us so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.

We have sex with our spouse so that God may be praised through Jesus Christ. We praise him for what he is allowing us to do. We praise him that we can bless someone else with his gifts.

Think about that the next time you are taking of your spouse’s clothes. You may not think so now, but that perspective makes sex all the sweeter.

Sex is a gift to be enjoyed in marriage, as a celebration and safeguard. It is to be enjoyed in service, abstinence, and worship.

Ultimately, it points us to Christ. Now, normally, sex is not a segue into communion.

So, I won’t pretend that this transition isn’t awkward. It is.

The oneness we have with our spouse, is the oneness we get to enjoy in Christ. I’m not being sexual here. It is deeper and closer than we can imagine.

Communion is a reminder of that oneness and a reminder of everything Christ went through that we might have a close, intimate, eternal relationship with him.