Heart of the Matter: Sex

Opening Object Lesson

-Instructions on putting on a coat

We did this because so often we think we have something totally under control and we know “Exactly” how it should be; however, when it really counts, we are still needing to slow down, think about it and be humble that we can always learn more.

Break into groups

Do you agree with this statement: “Sex may be the one thing in our world that has been most counterfeited with false, damaging lies.”

Why is that?

We asked some very personal questions in our email:

1. When you think of sex, does it make you feel uncomfortable? If so, why?

2. How did your parents/guardians talk to you about sex?

3. What/who has influenced your thoughts and feelings about sex the most?

4. Is sex with your spouse a "duty" or "delight"?

5. When you and your spouse make love, do you have any thoughts that come to mind that make you feel ashamed, nervous, dirty, unfocused, or numb? If so, what are they?

We do not have the time to go in depth into all those answers this morning; however, let’s begin to build a foundation through scripture.

Turn to Song of Songs chapter 1.

While you turn there. Let’s talk about the heart of the problem in most marriages when it comes to sex…we forget who the author and creator of sex is and instead allow the world to direct this facet of our marriages.

Like I said at the beginning: “Sex may be the one thing in our world that has been most counterfeited with false, damaging lies.”

Share Stats from Shelia’s Book : The Great Sex Rescue

God designed sex to be pleasurable for both people; however, there is a HUGE gap that Shelia has penned the “Orgasm Gap.” She surveyed over 35,000 women and asked specific questions and asked them to include their husbands in some of the questions. Here is the key question:

“How often do you orgasm during a sexual encounter with your spouse.”

48% of Christian Women surveyed reach orgasm during sex, while 96% of men do.

That’s almost a 50% gap that should not be there.

We forget that God created sex for both the husband and wife and gave women one piece of anatomy that is there only for pleasure and so this gap is indicates either a lack of knowledge or a lack of servanthood towards each other.

Song of Songs 1:1-4

This is Solomon’s song of songs, more wonderful than any other.

2 Kiss me and kiss me again,

for your love is sweeter than wine.

3 How pleasing is your fragrance;

your name is like the spreading fragrance of scented oils.

No wonder all the young women love you!

4 Take me with you; come, let’s run!

The king has brought me into his bedroom.

Notice how this starts out, this is Solomon’s Song of Songs. It is the greatest of all his writings. Basically, in Hebrew terms, it is the experience beyond all others. As you read this book, you will see that no other human experience could hope to rival the “song of songs.”

Before this celebrated poem uttered a single point of instruction, the title alone preached a powerful sermon about God’s view of sex. And what an explicit song it is!

See how this book starts off, it is about the woman’s highest pleasure coming from her husband, and his recognizing it will be revealed in the verses to come.

The second verse in Song of Songs offers God’s fundamental statement about sexual satisfaction for a woman, essentially saying that there’s nothing else like it: “Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine”

In spoken Hebrew, the words for “kiss” and “kissing” sound like someone kissing (like the word moo tries to imitate the actual sound of a cow).

The Song isn’t a technical essay; no, think of it this way, it’s a sensual retelling of bedroom antics. And the repetitive “Kiss me and kiss me again” may sound redundant, until you realize that the kissing may involve his mouth but not always hers (meaning he’s also kissing elsewhere).

She wants his mouth all over her. Why does she want this? She wants her husband to keep kissing her because she has no higher pleasure in life.

The Hebrew word describing the husband’s “love” is dod and refers to acts of lovemaking, not to the emotional feelings. She is explicitly saying that his oral and physical caresses are “more delightful than wine.”

Gary Thomas puts it this way from his book he co-authored with Debra Fileta.

“To explain the astonishing power and revelation behind this assertion, let me ask you to go back three thousand years and try to imagine what life was like for an ordinary Middle Eastern woman. There was no cup of coffee and certainly no caramel macchiato in the morning. There was no air-conditioning in the desert at noon. There was no dark chocolate in the afternoon (it hadn’t been invented yet). And there was no bed to lie on at night—she slept on a mat or blanket. She didn’t get to wear cashmere. Silk had been invented in China, but it wouldn’t have been found in the desert. Virtually every luxury that modern women enjoy today was denied to a woman living back then, except for one: Wine. To an ancient woman who enjoyed precious little entertainment, there was no more celebrated pleasure than wine, except, apparently, for sex with a generous, creative, and thoughtful husband. A modern reader comes across the phrase “your kisses are better than wine” and isn’t stopped in her tracks because she has catalogs of pleasure to compare wine to. She might not even like wine! But three thousand years ago, this was a shocking comparison. So the Bible’s book on marital sex begins with a woman confessing that her highest pleasure in life is being kissed all over by her husband. If it were pictured in a movie, it would go like this: the husband approaches his wife with a full glass of wine and she purrs, “Put that wine down and get busy.” The Song says sex isn’t just for the husband or even primarily for the husband. The first person to be pleased is the wife. The Bible celebrates and sanctifies the pleasure women get from sex.”

Did we get that…The first person to be pleased is the wife.

We too often follow suit to the world and say it’s all about the man, the woman is just the “means to the end.”

Let’s go back to questions 1 and 4

1. When you think of sex, does it make you feel uncomfortable? If so, why?

Husbands/Wives Discuss

Genesis 2:25

Naked and Unashamed

When God first created man and woman in His own image, He made the man and his wife naked, and the Bible tells us in Genesis 2:25 that they were “naked and not ashamed.”

We love that imagery. We love that one of the first lessons the Bible teaches is that God has a beautiful plan for sex and marriage, and while deceivers might do much damage in creating counterfeit plans for sex, God’s timeless design is still for complete love, intimacy, vulnerability, pleasure, acceptance, and joy. He still wants us to be naked and unashamed.

God is the inventor of sex, and He wants sex to be one of the greatest gifts in our lives when enjoyed within a healthy marriage.

We believe that a naked marriage isn’t just physical.

The Bible’s imagery of nakedness applies to all aspects of life.

Nakedness is a picture of transparency and vulnerability.

God wants us to enter marriage with no secrets and nothing to hide. He wants us with nothing up our sleeves because we’re not wearing any sleeves! God wants you to enjoy the fullness of sexual pleasure and intimacy within your marriage. He wants you to find freedom from your own past hurts and hang-ups so you can enjoy the gift of sex the way He intended.

4. Is sex with your spouse a "duty" or "delight"?

“What Baggage is brought with you under the sheets?”

Think about the picture of being at the airport, waiting to place your luggage on the scale. Will it go over? Will I have to play luggage content shuffle? Will I have to pay a penalty?

See, the baggage we bring into our marriages weigh us down and even more so in the bedroom. These can bring on undue stress and anxiety.

Past sexual relationships, unresolved physical issues (vaginitis, menopause, erectile dysfunction, what people don’t want to talk to their doctor about), medical issues, sexual trauma (childhood rape/adult rape) and there may be more.

The Apostle Paul addressed the binding power of sex all throughout 1 Corinthians because, at the time, sexual immorality was rampant in the Corinthian culture, even among the new Christians there.

Paul could see the great damage it was causing, and he wanted to help them to understand the boundaries that God placed around sex.

In 1 Corinthians 6:18–20, Paul says, “18 Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. 19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.”

God designed sex to be a physical, spiritual, and emotional act to reflect the outpouring of love a husband and wife feel for each other. It is also a consummative act that represents the lifelong covenant that they are making with one another. Sex is designed to be binding and weighty, and that is what Paul was trying to help the Corinthians to understand.

The Corinthians were carrying around loads of sexual baggage, like so many of us are today, and it all stemmed from their skewed mindsets about sex, much like our current cultural context. We also must often push against the current to shed the weight of our own sexual baggage, but we can do it with God’s help.

-Counseling

-Trusted Christian Friend

-Open and Transparent Communication

-Spouse

-Doctor

1 Peter 5:6,7

6 So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. 7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Once again, there is so much to cover, that’s why we have the February retreat focused on this very subject.

What we need to focus on right here and now is who we are seeking.

For many, sex with our spouse is a desert, not a pleasure, not enjoyment, instead it is a task, a chore, something that you must do.

Our goal in counseling couples in this subject is to bring them to “En Gedi.”

Marriage is not by any means easy. But when we choose to stay married, we choose to love our spouse by the way we love and worship God first, we can enjoy the sacred moments of “En Gedi” and “En Gedi Sex.”

Gary Thomas beautifully speaks of this and drives home this Biblical truth.

Song of Songs 1:14

14 He is like a bouquet of sweet henna blossoms

from the vineyards of En-gedi.

When the young women proclaim “He is like a bouquet of sweet henna blossoms from the vineyards of En-gedi.” They are referring to an oasis on the western shore of the Dead Sea.

The Dead Sea is a famous wasteland, but En Gedi’s springs and vineyards stand in stark contrast, helping to make living in a desert manageable.

En Gedi provides a powerful imagery for marital sexuality.

Life can be dreary, weary, and teary.

Nobody escapes the “desert” of occasional dissatisfaction, mind-numbing routine, and exhausting responsibility.

This is a fallen world, and sometimes the fall feels brutal and hard. But isn’t God good, thoughtful, and kind?

In the midst of these deserts, he has given us the opportunity to visit the oasis of En Gedi and forget all that is bad while remembering all that is good.

When you walk out of the oasis of En Gedi, the desert will still be there, but you’ll be stronger and ready to face it anew.

Question: “Are you in a desert right now in your marriage, not only physically, but emotionally as well?”

How are you both coming together to seek En-Gedi?

Let’s close with this “Locking Shields”

Remember the key verse of this entire study? Turn to James 4

James 4:1-3

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? 2 You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. 3 And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.

Notice it’s all about “YOU!”

Stop, seek God first. It’s not your spouses problem, it’s not someone else’s problem.

It won’t be fixed with a quick checklist and marriage “to-do” lists.

Nope, it’s a Matter of the Heart. It’s a Heart issue.

Let’s read further in chapter 4. This is where it HAS TO START!

James 4:4-10

4 You adulterers! Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God. 5 Do you think the Scriptures have no meaning? They say that God is passionate that the spirit he has placed within us should be faithful to him. 6 And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say,

“God opposes the proud

but gives grace to the humble.”

7 So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. 9 Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.

Humble yourselves before God.

Ask for forgiveness for your selfish heart.

Turn to Him in everything.

In any issue in your marriage, it’s not about you…it’s all about Him!

(Reread verse 10 again)

Next, begin to lock shields with your spouse on all issues in your marriage.

Turn to Ephesians 6. This is where we will close.

Ephesians 6:10-18

10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

We each have a duty, a command, and that is to Be strong in the Lord and Put on HIS Armor so we can withstand the enemy’s barrage of lies, deception, selfishness, and pride.

However, one piece of armor can be used in connection with your spouse and only bring a deeper and stronger Spiritual Strength.

The Shield.

(Explain the Roman Shield and the meaning behind “Locking Shields”)

In closing,

Remember, sex is a gift from God.

So much so that the psalmist wrote this

Proverbs 5:18,19

18 Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you.

Rejoice in the wife of your youth.

19 She is a loving deer, a graceful doe.

Let her breasts satisfy you always.

May you always be captivated by her love.

Let’s Pray