Family Matters - Autopilot
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Family Matters
Family Matters
Last week we started a new series called, “Family Matters” by talking about the one thing every family needs. That one thing is God, the one who created family. God created family and He cares deeply about family. Our God is a God of authority and order. He has the ability to transform your family when we place Him at the top of the family. He HAS to be at the top. If we want our best family, we have to put God at the top and we have to be intentional with our family. We have to be intentional about the time we give them, the way we pray for them, the way we discipline, and the focus we give them.
Today we are going to continue this series by talking about the one thing every family needs to work on. Last week was about the one thing every family needs, this week is the one thing every family needs to work on. In short, you could call it “bad habits”. We all have bad habits. We each have different bad habits. You may not struggle with the habits I struggle with. In fact, you might think my habits are way worse than yours, or possibly silly in comparison.
The bottom line is that we all have bad habits and even if they just seem like minor faults, when we allow them to operate within the family we are giving them power and they can slowly work to destroy our family. One of the ways bad habits can be harmful in a family is by being passed from one person to another. This is especially true with children. Kids learn habits from parents. As role models for our children, we should do all we can to eliminate our bad habits and replace them with good habits.
We can’t fix every problem in our families over night and doing everything right will not guarantee that your children will grow up to be perfect and never make mistakes, but having a solid foundation in good habits absolutely will change the atmosphere of our homes and chart us on a course toward a successful and thriving families.
What is a habit?
What is a habit?
What is a habit? I am sure we all know what a habit is, but just for fun let’s look at the definition so we are all on the same page before we dive in. The Mirriam-Webster dictionary defines a habit as...
Habit: a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior; an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary.
Many times, when we think about habits we look at them through the eyes of surrender or defeat. We look at the dishes piled up in the sink and think, “Man, I just can’t stay on top of cleaning the house.” or “I am such a procrastinator.” Or we look at the bank account and think, “I will never get ahead. I probably shouldn’t have bought that thing last week. I am horrible with money.”
Think about your bad habit. When your bad habit is in your mind, how do you view it? Is the tone of your thoughts that of defeat? Like you lost a battle with your habit? A tone of surrender because you didn’t even want to fight it? The problem is the way we think about habits. We have a tendency to view habits through the lens of behavior. We look at the last part of the definition and say, “My bad habit is my behavior.” or “my behavior has become completely involuntary.”
This is us settling on an identity. Behavior is just behavior. It is neither bad nor good. What makes a bad habit is what behavior we settle on or surrender to. The key words in the definition of a habit are “settled” and “acquired”. That is great news for us and our bad habits. That means that with God’s help, we can transform these bad behaviors into good ones. We can stop settling and surrendering, and acquire new behaviors and form good habits.
Psychologists have a super scientific and complicated phrase for the process of forming habits. They call it “habit formation.” This quote comes from Psychology Today…
Habit Formation: the process by which behaviors become automatic. Habits can form without a person intending to acquire them, but they can also be deliberately cultivated — or eliminated — to better suit one’s personal goals.
According to Psychology Today, people develop habits in order to get their needs met more efficiently in everyday life. We aren’t always aware we are developing habits, yet they become deeply ingrained in our brains making them difficult to break even when they create more problems than they solve.
Habits are built through learning and repetition. The most common way habits are formed is through pursuing goals. Think about driving. How many of you take the same route to work every day? When you leave your house you have a goal to get to work. If you have the bad habit of running late, everyday your goal is to get to work as fast as possible. Everyday you take the same route, stop at the same stop sign, wave as the same car speeds by because they are also late, and pull in to the same parking space. You do this every day over and over. One day you might even be sitting at your desk and not even remember the trip to work because you have trained your brain to get you to work.
A habit is not an inherently bad thing, but when we consistently run on autopilot we will miss opportunities for improvement or fail to correct problems that arise. Keeping with the driving theme, I was going toward Burns Flat the other day. When I go toward Burns Flat I normally go through Sentinel because it is the fastest route for me. Ninety-nine times out of one hundred, when I go through Sentinel, I am on my way to Elk City. Because of that, my brain is trained to take a specific route. That day, I made it all the way to Retrop before I realized that I went the wrong way out of Sentinel to go to Burns Flat.
What we need to do with our habits is retrain them. Rather than letting our brain determine the quickest and easiest route to our goals, we need to participate and be intentional about each behavior that takes us to our destination. In other words, we need to be in control of the “Habit Loop.”
What is a “Habit Loop?” The habit loop concept was popularized by Charles Duhigg in The Power of Habit. In his book, Duhigg describes the habit loop as a series of elements that produce habits. Habits form when we experience cues, respond with a specific behavior, and then that behavior produces a reward. If the example of driving to work resonates with a habit you are familiar with, you may have experienced the habit loop when you started the bad habit of leaving for work late…
The first day you left late for work was a cue or a trigger. Because you were late you might have done something bad like speeding or running stop signs. That would be the routine or the behavior. The reward came when you shaved off a couple of minutes from your commute and managed to make it on time. After you have repeated this loop of receiving a positive reward for a negative behavior a few times you find yourself living with a new habit. Now you speed everywhere you go.
How does the habit loop play out in your family?
Maybe your sibling hurt your feelings one day, so you respond by being sarcastic or making fun of them. A few times you managed to make everyone laugh giving you some positive reinforcement. Now, instead of lifting up family members and being encouraging, you are regularly putting them down and dishonoring them.
When you were young your brother was always breaking your toys so you started hiding them and refusing to share. Now, as an adult, you don’t feel you can trust your family with things that are important to you or you simply choose not to bless your family with generosity.
Maybe you were hurt by someone who said they loved you, so you retreated inside yourself and avoid intimacy in your relationship.
At some point you have experienced something that was a cue or a trigger. That lead to your response, positive or negative. Then your response rewarded you, encouraging the same response next time. Now you and your family are dealing with bad habits. Maybe you don’t handle stress very well. Maybe it’s financial irresponsibility. Constantly worrying about something. Poor communication. Unhealthy lifestyle.
If you want to examine your life to find bad habits, simply look at what is produced by your habits. Do the habits your family repeats produce love in the family? Do you feel peace and joy when you are with your family? Do you find yourself being patient or impatient with your family? Does your family make impulse decisions or are they thought out and prayed over?
22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
These are the fruits of the Spirit. They are the fruits of good habits. God inspired habits. Sit down with God and talk to Him about the habits He wants to transform in your family. If you want to develop good habits and get rid of the bad ones, you have to start by allowing God to transform your family atmosphere.
Changing the atmosphere in which we live will help consistently building and developing healthy habits in a natural and positive way. Essentially, what we are going to do is create a healthy habitat that will grow healthy habits through repetition.
According to Psychology Today, “Building healthy habits can involve putting yourself in situations in which you are more likely to engage in the desired behavior, planning to repeat the behavior, and attaching a small reward to the behavior that doesn’t impede it (such as by watching TV or listening to music while exercising).”
By putting ourselves in an environment that encourages good habits, we will be in the habit of creating good habits. Let’s look at three ideas for creating a healthy habitat for growing Godly habits.
CREATING A HEALTHY HABITAT FOR GROWING GODLY HABITS
1. Be Selfless
The most important part of any relationship is caring for one another. It’s the golden rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I know this and it is important to me, but sometimes, after a long hard day at work, it’s difficult to think of anything but how tired I am. The whole way home I have been thinking about going straight to the shower then to the TV. It never fails, those are the days that I walk in the house and Amy is in “cleaning mode.” “I need you to take the trash out. Can you do something with your stuff on the table. You made a mess when you fixed super, will you clean it up, please?”
Being selfish is about more than doing acts of kindness, it’s about giving up something that you want for someone else. Not satisfying your own desires so that you will be able to meet the needs of the family. Yeah, I’d like to hit the couch and veg out, but we’ve both been busy all week and it is important for me to spend some time with Amy. Sure, I haven’t had any alone time this week, but my kids need me to play some games with them tonight.
It is extremely important to eliminate selfishness. Take selfishness away from your family. Create a SELFLESS environment for your family. Remove things that are triggers for your selfish reaction. If watching TV is a reaction that takes time away from your family, then be extreme and get rid of the TV. If distractions cause you to be selfish, then avoid the things that distract you and be mindful of your family. Sit at the table to eat super, rather than scattering to different rooms and different devices.
Paul said it best to the Galatians when speaking of freedom. He said…
13 For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.
You can do whatever you want. Sure, you can go watch TV or take the trash out tomorrow. But it would be much better not to give in to those temptations. Instead, use your freedom to serve your family in love. Because the key to harmony in families is serving with a selfless, unconditional, Godly kind of love.
Dale and Susan Mathis talk about the importance of service in their book, “Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage.” Not just serving each other, but serving others together. In their premarital counselling, they encourage couples to start serving together right from the start. Susan says…
When couples choose to unselfishly serve others together, they experience peace, contentment and a deeper bond that strengthens their marriage. - Susan Mathis
Being selfless is the first good habit that we need in the family. It is one of the stepping stones for other good habits. If being selfish is a bad habit that you struggle with, I would encourage you to find a way to serve others as a family. Some of the strongest families I have met were families who served their community together. Mom, Dad, kids, everyone. To break the cycle of selfishness, serve together. When writing to the Philippians, Paul said…
3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
First, eliminate selfishness. Next…
CREATING A HEALTHY HABITAT FOR GROWING GODLY HABITS
2. Be An Encouragement
When installing fireplaces I often get to meet interesting people. Sometimes I will go into a house where the family talks down to each other. Either the husband or the wife will be disrespectful and borderline hateful. Sometimes the kids will show up and talk to their parents in the same way. It is amazing how fast those bad habits can form and how easily they spread throughout the entire family. It’s heartbreaking because God wants us to have successful, thriving families. When writing to the Ephesians, Paul explained to them that since they are now followers of Christ, they should live the way He taught them. Paul said…
29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
That means in our family there should be no place for unwholesome talk. We should only be encouraging to each other. We shouldn’t be harsh with our language. We shouldn’t use harsh and abrasive words. We should avoid profanity, yelling, sarcasm, and put downs. Instead we should speak words of live, love, hope, and admonition.
I have never been an encouraging person. This is definitely the one that I need to work on the most. When I come home from work I walk in the door and just start cussing up a storm. All that pent up anger, I guess. I am just kidding, but on a serious note, I use sarcasm a lot. I’ve been told many times that people can’t tell when I am joking. Sarcasm is my bad habit.
You’ve heard the saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Or “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” Those can be fun little things to repeat, but they aren’t true. There are scientific studies that have shown that verbal abuse can be more damaging than physical and sexual abuse. We are just now starting to figure that out, but God tried telling us a long time ago…
21 The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.
God’s word has power. At His word kingdoms rise and fall. According to 1 Corinthians 1:18, the word of salvation is the power of God. We are to be spreading God’s word. Sharing His love and power with those who are lost and broken. We should be guarding each word we speak as though it carries the power of life and death. Using our words to build up our family.
Scripture says that our mouths speak from the overflow of our hearts. Combine that with Paul’s advice and you get some amazing imagery for the verbal habitat within the family…
19 singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts.
Be selfless, Be encouraging, and lastly...
CREATING A HEALTHY HABITAT FOR GROWING GODLY HABITS
3. Be Respectful
Be honorable. Be genuine with your love. Find great pleasure in honoring and respecting your family. As of today, Amy and I have been married 13 years. When it comes to my perspective on our relationship, one of the key things I have learned to do over the years is to take pleasure in honoring her. In marriage, you learn pretty quickly that love is not an emotion like Hollywood wants you to believe. The emotion of love comes and goes. Some days I really love pizza. But real love is more like an action. It is more like a choice. Some days you wonder why you have to keep making that choice, but when you learn how to take pleasure in honoring your family that choice gets easier and easier to make.
10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.
In Ephesians, Paul speaks directly to the family about honoring each other…
1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 2 “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3 If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
To be the dad’s that God called us to be, we have to create good habits. First, we must be living by example with our own habits. We must consistently reach out to God for direction and strength. We have to trust God to strengthen and grow our family through those good habits. How can we bring up a family with instruction that comes from God if we don’t let God first instruct us?
When you feel hopelessly trapped in a cycle of bad habits, don’t give up. Start by creating an atmosphere where God can develop good habits in your life. Find ways to serve your family and to serve with your family. Find ways to encourage your family. Honor your family in a way that you can take delight in. With God’s help, you can break bad habits and grow good, Godly habits.