You've Got a Friend in Me

Intro

As we continue our series on The Good Life - a life lived in God’s wisdom - today’s message is called You’ve Got a Friend in Me. Cue the theme music to Toy Story. We could probably do worse than looking to Woody and Buzz as examples of genuine friendship.

I think it is impossible to overestimate the value of friendship, or to overstate the effects of feeling friendless. Psychologist Abraham Maslow listed friendship - love and belonging - as one of his five hierarchy of needs that every person must have in order to thrive. Carl Jung said that a lack of friendship, with its corresponding loneliness, was the central neurosis of his time. He died in the early 60s, and I’d say the problem has only gotten worse.

We need friends. It is almost as essential as air and water. When we are surrounded by true friends we can endure almost anything; when we aren’t, even the smallest crisis can sink us. So if friends are so important, why do so many suffer a lack of them? Probably lots of reasons:

We’ve been hurt by supposed friends and now we’re unwilling to open our hearts again

We’ve bought into the myth that a social media “friend” is actually a friend

As we get older, growing families fill up our time, and we simply become neglectful

I’m sure there are other reasons, but the point is that friendship is an essential aspect of our lives. But this raises some important questions: How do I choose good friends?  In what ways do my friends influence me?  How do I tell who my true friends are?  Am I a true friend to others? We’re going to jump around this morning as we look in Proverbs for answers. We all need friends; we need God’s wisdom to find the right friends.

Influence

Prov 13:20 “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools suffers harm.”

Perhaps the first thing we need to understand about friendship is that our friends influence us, for good or for bad. Friendship isn’t neutral. If we are honest, I imagine we’ve all experienced this. When I’m with this person _________________. I drink a little too much. My mouth runs away with me. I walk away mad at the world. I get wishy-washy on my convictions.

I have one friend, in particular, who tends to influence me, shall we say, toward ribald humor. We feed off each other with innuendo. We make each other laugh, but we probably cross the line a little as well. Of course, we also influence each other positively as well.

The old adage is true: you make your friends, then your friends make you. Actually, I think the original adage is “choices” but mine works too.

For Solomon, the issue is one of proximity. Who do we allow the most access to our lives, and what influence does it have on us? The hard truth is that sometimes we have friends that we love very much, but that we also know aren’t good for us. The solution may not be that you have to cut them off completely, but you may need to severely limit their access to you for the sake of your soul. And the truth is, if you friends aren’t making you a better version of yourself, are they really a friend?

Fire

Prov 18:24 “Some friends play at friendship but a true friend sticks closer than one’s nearest kin.”

Let me start with this: Facebook friends are not friends - at least if that is the only way they are your friend. As of last week I have 684 “friends” on FB. I could have more but I keep the list fairly small. Of these 684 friends, I may truly know about half of them. Of of that remaining half, half of them are only acquaintances. Only a small handful are real friends who would drop everything to come to my aid.

FB, and life in general, allows us to play at friendship. We can play act as if we are friends, but real friends are found in the fire. They are the ones who come when the chips are down to help, to encourage, and most importantly, to just be present.

Solomon also said, Prov 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and kinsfolk are born to share adversity.” Real friends are like kinfolk. They are there for the good and the bad. Fake friendship is transactional; they are committed only as long as they receive back as much. How do we know who are real friends are? Real friends connect with us in costly ways.

Truth

Prov 27:6 “Well meant are the wounds a friend inflicts, but profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”

How can we tell who our true friends are? True friends speak truth even when it hurts.

Fake friends are flatterers. They tell you what you want to hear. “No, that dress doesn’t make your butt look big.” “Yes, I’m sure your wife won’t mind if you book a fishing trip on her birthday.”

Sometimes their lies are more harmful: “It’s OK to date that person who isn’t a Christian. It’s OK if it is a little white lie. It can’t be wrong if it feels so right.” Or worst of all, “God just wants you to be happy.”

Fake friends lie and flatter from a place of insecurity. They don’t believe the relationship can handle the truth, and so they won’t say it out of fear of losing the friendship. But is this true friendship? Anyone who will compromise what is true for the sake of friendship is someone who will tell you your boat isn’t sinking as water comes up to your neck. Their lack of truthfulness will hurt you in the end.

True friends tell the truth even when it hurts your feelings.

One who sticks closer than a brother

Solomon tells us there is one who sticks closer than even our nearest kin. Blessed are those who have a friend like that. The hope of the gospel is that we all have - or at least can have - a friend like that.

John 15:12–17 (NRSV)

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father. You did not choose me but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name. I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another.

The truth is that even good friends can sometimes be fickle, can sometimes let us down. But there is a Friend who will come beside us in way that will never let us down. But it doesn’t always look like we think it will. This past week I was literally swallowed by despair. Call it spiritual attack, call it whatever, it was real and devastating. But Jesus came to me as my Friend. He came to me through a note my wife left me when she went to work the next morning. He came to me in the phone call from my area pastor who encouraged me. He came in the form of a young friend seeking my help. He came to me in a woman named Debra who shared something profound about how we sometimes turn God into a false idol, which was relevant to my situation. And when I finally saw him coming to me in all these ways, my heart was open to find that this Friend had been coming to me internally as well - pain and grief had simply hidden his face for a moment.

Friends, Jesus loves you and is with you. He is the Friend who sticks closer than a brother. He is the friend who speaks truth to you because he wants what’s best for you - even if it hurts for a moment. He is the friend who will shape you into the best version of yourself.

Ultimately, the scope of Jesus’ friendship is seen most clearly on the cross. Here is where he showed the extent of his love. Here we see the kind of friend he is, one who lays down his life for his friends - and even for his enemies. He loves us with a loyal love, a self-giving, other-centered, sacrificial love. And he invites you to be his friend. To let him love you, to remake you, to care for you in a way no earthly friend ever could. By looking at Jesus - especially Jesus on the cross - we understand that genuine friendship is spelled L-O-V-E. Wisdom should guide our friendship-making, and in the end it leads us to the friend we all need; Jesus.

Have you met this Friend?

Are you becoming this kind of friend for others?