Helping others overcome grief

A few Weeks back on Sunday morning we looked at the life of Job to see if he had any good pointers on how we today can deal with our grief when this life hurts us.

Job as we saw a few weeks ago was a blameless and upright man of God. He was one that feared God and resisted evil. Because of Job’s faithfulness God had blessed him with a loving family, and many earthly riches.

As we think about the story of Job it is interesting that the story of what happened to Job is rather short in comparison to the length of the writing of Job, coming in at 42 chapters.

What happens to Job is recorded for us in the first two chapters and what follows is Job and his friends trying to make sense of what has happened to him.

Let’s look briefly at what happens to Job this man who was a faithful follower of God.

If you would grab your Bibles and turn with me to Job 1:6. Starting in verse 6 we see that a challenger to God identified to us as Satan comes before God to give a report after roaming to and fro on the earth. Let’s listen in to see what exactly takes place.

Read 1: 6-12

God responds to this challenger by saying, hey you want to talk about a faithful servant of mine; have you considered my servant Job?

Satan responds by saying, well I’m sure the only reason he is faithful to you is because you have placed an hedge of protection around him. In other words you are making it to easy for him.

Let me get my hands on this Job character and see if he is still faithful to you.

So God knowing the heart of Job says go ahead give it a try the only stipulation that I give is that you cannot touch Job himself.

So in verses 13 through the end of the first chapter we see that Job is in deed tested. Jobs faithfulness is put to the test. Let’s listen in. Job 1:13-22

Job 1:13–22 ESV

Now there was a day when his sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother’s house, and there came a messenger to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys feeding beside them, and the Sabeans fell upon them and took them and struck down the servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “The fire of God fell from heaven and burned up the sheep and the servants and consumed them, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “The Chaldeans formed three groups and made a raid on the camels and took them and struck down the servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, “Your sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother’s house, and behold, a great wind came across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young people, and they are dead, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.

After hearing what happened to Job you may be like me and think, man Job how in the world were you able to be in the right frame of mind to worship God at this most trying time in your life.

But unfortunately for Job it gets worse. In Job 2:3 the Lord checks in with Satan and has this to say.

Job 2:3–6 ESV

And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil? He still holds fast his integrity, although you incited me against him to destroy him without reason.” Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Skin for skin! All that a man has he will give for his life. But stretch out your hand and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.”

Satan comes before God and says give me one more crack at your servant Job. But this time let me challenge him personally. So God, knowing the faithfulness of his servant allows Job to be tested again with the only stipulation being that Satan could not take his life.

Job 2:7–8 ESV

So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and struck Job with loathsome sores from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head. And he took a piece of broken pottery with which to scrape himself while he sat in the ashes.

Job through all the pain and suffering that he endured throughout his life never lost his faith in God.

You see it is no wonder that people today look at Job’s life to see if there are any lessons that can be learned to help us deal with pain that is associated with our grief.

If you were unable to be with us a few weeks ago let me encourage you to go back and listen to the lesson that was presented but as way of reminder in this lesson we learned that in order to deal with our grief we must first:

Like Job, understand that grief is natural and it is OK to express our feelings, hurts and questions to our God, the one who cares the most.

Secondly in order to deal with our grief we must make sure that we are running toward God and not away from him. We must be moving toward God becasue God wants to be close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Psalm 34:18 ESV

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

3. Then third, in order to deal with our grief we must be people who make sure that we focus on our God who heals rather than our pain that hurts us.

But this morning in the time that we have left I want to briefly talk about how we as Christians can help others deal with their grief. In 2 Cor 1:3-4 the passage that was just read for us, Paul tells us that God comforts us in our affliction so that we can do the same for others in their time of grief. So what is it that we can say or do to help our friends and family who are grieving.

2 Corinthians 1:3–4 ESV

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

To help us answer this question let’s look back at the story of Job. After Job’s life had been turned upside down loosing everything but his life and his wife; three of his friends catch wind of what has happened to Job so they come to try and help him deal with his grief.

Follow along with me starting in verse 11 of chapter 2.

Job 2:11–13 ESV

Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.

Often times when we here of a friend or loved one who is grieving we do exactly what Job’s friends did. We either in our case pick up the phone or get in our vehicle and head off to see them.

Now I can only imagine that Job’s friends probably had the same question going through their mind that is on most people’s mind as they headed toward Job.

And that is what in the world am I going to do or say that will help my friend.

What we see here is that Job’s friends didn’t have a clue what to do or day but without even realizing it they did exactly what Job needed them to do.

Here we see that Job’s friends begin by doing exactly what most people who are grieving need and want. They were simply present.

The first rule for a comforter is, be there and be silent. Often times we think that we must know exactly what to say to make everything better but in reality it is better for us to just be silent. Comfort in times of great sorrow comes more in the form of presence than words.

Just ask anybody who has experienced a great tragedy. They more than likely don’t remember anything helpful that people said but what they do remember is who was there.

Unfortunately, this is the only good thing that Job’s friends did for him. In chapter three Job begins to pour out his feelings of anguish and despair and rather than allowing Job to lament his friends attempt to explain his loss to him. In chapters 4,8,11,15,18,20,22, and 25 one by one Job’s friends try to explain to him why these horrible things happened to him.

Unfortunately often time we can do more harm while trying to do good, just like Job’s friends.

In order to help rather than hurt we must be willing to listen and allow our friends to lament. Give them space to speak, give them permission to lament. Don’t ever try to stop them from sharing their feelings. Don’t try to change the topic away from their grief.

When we do this we only signal to them that we are neither willing to listen nor willing to share their pain. When we change the subject, we marginalize their pain and dismiss their hurt.

The worst and most offensive thing to a sufferer is for someone to come with all the answers to their problems. Please, please never tell someone who is grieving how they should feel or tell them that you understand what they are going through. Believe me you have no idea. We have no idea because everybody’s grief is different. Everybody grieves differently.

Never try to make sense of their suffering like Job’s friends did. Never say things like “it will turn out for the best or God is trying to teach you something or it could be worse or its going to be alright or God has a plan or I know exactly how you feel.

By saying these, what seem to be helpful phrases although they are said with good intentions only bring about more hurt and pain to the one who is grieving.

Also in most cases scripture is good but there are some scriptures that are extremely hurtful in the moment. Do ever quote passages like Rom 8:28 and tell them that all things work together for good. Or James 1:2-4 and tell them to count it all joy. Really you expect someone to find joy in their time of grief. Or another passage that gets said at the wrong times is 1 Cor. 10:13 God will not allow us to be tempted more than we can handle. Really, I imagine they are thinking that they don’t know how much more they can take.

There is a time and a place for these scriptures to be addressed and when they are addressed in their full context than they can be helpful. But please never share these passages with someone who has just experienced a great tragedy.

So how can we help our friends overcome their grief? First, be there and be silent. Listen and allow our friends to lament. And third don’t come with all the answers.

The best piece of advice that I can leave you with when it comes to helping others in their grief journey are three simple words from a man named Doug Manning. Hug, Hang around and most importantly Hush! If you want to help remember the three H’s. Hug, Hang around and Hush.

Conclusion

This morning if you are currently struggling with grief please know that the God of all comfort want to rescue you from your hurt.

As Christians we have a great responsibility to help one another during difficult times in our lives. We must be people to help each other deal with these difficult times by being people who care for one another enough to be present and love each other enough to allow each other to lament during their time of grief.

This morning if you are not a Christian God wants to help you deal with your grief too. Jesus came to this earth and died for everyone so that he can heal the broken hearted.

Jesus died so we wouldn’t have to. Yes we will all die physically but we will never die spiritually if we are willing to obey our Lord by repenting of our sins and being Baptized.

For those that obey Christ and remain faithful to him, we will be able to completely overcome our grief when the Lord wipes away every tear from our eye.

What a wonderful day that will be.