Grief

Did you know scientists used to believe that there were only six distinct human emotions? Now, they identify at least 27! Those are a lot of feelings to keep up with.

INSTRUCTIONS: Split your students into two teams and call two students to the front to be the guessers. Have them stand facing the rest of the students. While you stand behind the guessers (where they can't see you) hold up a dry erase board where you can write emotions for the audience to act out. Remind your actors not to use words or sounds and award points to the team that guesses each emotion correctly, like . . .

In love.

Scared.

Excited.

Bored.

Relieved.

Insulted.

Confused.

Annoyed.

QUESTION | "Has anyone ever acted before?"

Being a good actor can help you win a game of Reverse Charades, but acting is also a great way to imagine what it's like to be someone else. Actors are really good at putting themselves in others' shoes.

INSTRUCTIONS: Ask students to raise their hands in response to the first question below. Then ask a few of those students to respond to the follow-up questions.

Has anyone ever acted before?

Who was your favorite character to play?

Have you ever had to perform a really emotional scene? Which emotion is the most difficult for you to portray?

Why?

Acting can help us put ourselves in the shoes of other people, but the ability to understand other people's emotions and perspectives isn't just a skill actors need. It's something every follower of Jesus needs to learn too.

SO WHAT? Why does it matter to God and to us?

STORY | Talk about a time someone was insensitive while someone else was grieving.

Emotions are complicated. Take grief, for example, which we feel when we experience the loss of someone or something that matters to us. Grief isn't one of the 27 emotions we mentioned because grief is a combination of a lot of feelings, like . . .

Sadness. Fear. Confusion. Nostalgia. Anxiety. And more. When a friend is experiencing all of those feelings at once, it's understandable that you might have feelings of your own, like . . .

Sympathy. Anxiety. Awkwardness. Confusion. When a friend is grieving, you don't always know what to say or do, and you definitely don't want to do the wrong thing. Should you call them? Give them space? Act sad? Try to make them laugh? Say something? Not say anything?

INSTRUCTIONS: Tell a story from your own life (or ask a volunteer or student to tell a story) about a time someone said something unhelpful when someone was grieving.

We we at the visitation right after my mom passed away at the Hermitage Funeral Home right outside of Nashville.

Hundreds of people came through the line to see Mom and comfort us.

Honestly, I was glad to see them all and they were a comfort to me.

That is, except for one guy who showed up at the end...

His name was Ron, and he used to be my Pastor and a close friend of my Dad’s.

When I was a kid, Ron left our church in Hermitage and went to Pastor a church out in Knoxville.

While he was Pastoring there, there church doubled in attendance and seemed to be doing great.

But there was a secret ole’ Ron was hiding from everyone:

He was cheating on his wife with the church secretary.

But people found out, he was fired and his Credentials to be a Pastor was taken away by the church District.

He was faking it as a Christian and as a Pastor.

He hurt his family, his church, and his friends.

Including my Dad.

So there Ron was at the visitation, a guy I hadn’t seen in over 20 years

(and honestly didn’t care to see at all.)

He came up all smiling and seeming like he wanted me to be excited to see him.

I wasn’t. AT ALL.

I honestly tried to be nice, but was failing at that.

Just the way he came up and talked to my family seemed off and out of place.

I kind of wanted to punch him in the face (but I didn’t!)

My hero had just died, and I just didn’t want to be around a guy that was a complete snake to me.

QUESTION | "Why aren't these statements helpful?"

When someone is experiencing loss, people usually mean well, but sometimes say the wrong thing.

"God needed an angel!" "Everything happens for a reason." "God will never give you more than you can handle." "There are plenty of fish in the sea." "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Or even, "I know exactly how you feel," followed by a story that is not at all relevant.

When someone is grieving, why do you think these statements aren't helpful?

INSTRUCTIONS: Give a few students a chance to respond.

When someone is grieving, comments like these can be hurtful because they minimize a person's pain or rush them to "just get over it." So if we want to be people who love God by loving others well, we've got to figure out how to love others when they're grieving.

IMAGE | Job's Friends

The Bible is full of clear guidance and wisdom about how to love God and others, but the Bible is full of stories that show us what not to do as well. One of these stories is the story of Job and his friends Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar.

INSTRUCTIONS: As you teach, show the image of Job and his friends, like this one, on screen.

Job is the main character in the Old Testament book of Job, and he had it all — ten kids, a wife, tons of animals, and a bunch of land. He was happy, wealthy, and he loved God too.

But suddenly, everything was taken away from Job. His animals were either stolen or killed. All of his children died in a natural disaster. He got sick, with horrible sores all over his body. His only remaining family member, his wife, told him to give up, "curse God, and die." Then his friends showed up and lectured him!

SCRIPTURE | Job 16:2

While Job was grieving, his friends gave long speeches, telling him what to do, making assumptions about his character, and making judgments about why God let this happen to Job. God eventually spoke and said Job's friends needed to stop talking. Job reacted this way . . .

SCRIPTURE | Job 2:11-13

But Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar didn't have it all wrong. Before the lectures and misinformed speeches, they actually had a few things right. INSTRUCTIONS: Read Job 2:11-13

Job 2:11–13 NIV

When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

*Title Slide*

When Job's friends first heard about his troubles, they . . .

SYMPATHIZED WITH JOB. They had compassion for Job when he was hurting. They cared!

WORKED TOGETHER. Together, they made plans to comfort their friend. They knew him, knew each other, and knew he shouldn't be alone.

SHOWED UP FOR JOB. They cared enough about Job to make the trip to see him.

EMPATHIZED WITH JOB. Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar didn't simply show Job sympathy. They went the extra mile and showed him empathy. Empathy isn't just feeling bad for someone — it's feeling their feelings with them, either because you've experienced what they're experiencing before, or because you're trying to put yourself in their shoes. In our culture, we're not accustomed to tearing our clothes or sprinkling dust on our heads when we're grieving, but we can see how affected Job's friends were. Although the catastrophes that happened to Job hadn't happened to them, they made Job's pain their pain.

Job's friends sat with him for an entire week. They were patient because they knew grief is not a quick process. They were also silent. They knew Job's pain couldn't be fixed with a few kind words, so they didn't speak — at least, not for a while. This was probably difficult, but they seemed to know Job's circumstances were so overwhelming there were no words that could capture what was happening. Later, God would correct Job's friends for all the words they said after that first week. But God never corrected them for being present, sitting nearby, or simply being with their friend.

SCRIPTURE | Psalm 34:18

When someone is grieving, they don't need us to lecture them, correct them, or quickly fix it. They need us to be with them, like God is with us.

INSTRUCTIONS: Read Psalm 34:18

Psalm 34:18 NIV

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

OBJECT LESSON | Sitting Shiva

INSTRUCTIONS: Before your teaching time, place some floor cushions or low stools at the front of your room. Sit down as you teach. If you'd like, invite one or two people to sit with you, or invite all of your students to sit on the floor for the rest of the teaching time.

There's a Jewish tradition inspired by the story of Job and his friends called "sitting shiva." In this tradition, after a funeral, the friends and family of those who are grieving live with and care for them for seven days. Depending on the family, sitting shiva might include traditions like:

Sitting on low stools, like Job and his friends sat on the ground.

Washing their hands before entering the house.

Lighting the same candle for all seven days.

Covering all the mirrors.

Sitting shiva looks different for different families, but the purpose is always to make sure people who are grieving are not alone. So what would it look like for you and I to show up for our friends when they're grieving the loss of someone or something that really matters to them?

Instead of avoiding awkwardness and hoping our friends will "just get over it," how can we show them how much we care about them? How can we make their loss our loss? How can we be with people when they're grieving?

NOW WHAT? What does God want us to do about it?

HOW TO BE WITH SOMEONE IN GRIEF

It can be pretty uncomfortable to be with people during one of the worst moments of their life, but it's worth it. When we show up for our friends who are grieving . . .

Our friends can see God's love and care for them through our love and care for them.

We get to see God at work in our friend's life.

God can work not only through us, but in us as well, as God's Spirit helps us become more compassionate, patient, selfless, and loving.

With practice (and God's help) we can learn how to be the kind of friend our friends need when they're going through something challenging. And wouldn't it be great if we could learn that now, before our friends really need us? Grieving looks different for everyone, so there's not one correct way to be with a friend who's grieving, but here's a start. When a friend is grieving . . .

LET THEM KNOW YOU'RE THERE.

You don't even have to talk! Just let them know you're there through your words and actions. Offer them a ride to church or school. Ask if they want to hang out. Send a text. Get a few of your friends together (like Job's friends did) if it will help your friend feel less alone.

LISTEN:

They may not want to talk a lot about what's going on, but when they do, try not to interrupt.

BE PATIENT:

Your friend may need your support for days, weeks, or even years. What they need from you may look different over time as the grief eases, but keep checking in with your friend as time goes on. Even if they don't seem as sad as they did at the beginning, it doesn't mean they're not still grieving.

REMEMBER IMPORTANT DATES:

Your friend may be sad around big anniversaries, so do things to make life a little less stressful for them. You could pick up their homework for them, bake some cookies, write a card, or even confidentially explain to teachers what's going on if they're absent or struggling.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF:

When a friend is grieving, remember they might have outbursts or mood swings that are not about you. Try not to take it personally. Talk about how you're feeling with a trusted adult and make sure you have the support you need to support your friend. What Job's friends got right was being willing to sit with Job without saying a word, because that's what he needed. As you leave today, think about how equipped you are to sit and be with your friends they need you.

RESPONSE | I'm With You

*Title Slide*

You may be thinking, "This sounds good in theory, but there's one problem: I don't even have friends who would come to me, or who I would go to, during a time of crisis."

If that's you, I get it. I've had times in my life when I felt that way too. Making and keeping friends isn't easy for everyone all the time. But if you feel a little friendless right now, remember it won't always feel this way. Whether you feel this way or not, I want to challenge you all to start thinking of each other as a community you can rely on. We can be the kind of people who care for each other and look out for each other. Keep an eye out for people in this group who may be searching for friends or someone to talk to and start building those relationships. No matter your situation right now, ask yourself . . .

How aware am I of the feelings of my friends and family? How comfortable am I with reaching out when someone needs support? How comfortable am I with listening to people and not needing to respond? How comfortable am I with silence? Who do I know who is grieving? What would it look like to "be with" them? Remember, if we want someone to know God is with them, we need to be with them too. So this week, I hope you'll go out of your way to

be with someone when they’re grieving.

INSTRUCTIONS: Before your teaching time, print and cut the handouts provided in your Week 1 folder on card stock. Place one under each seat, along with a pen. Encourage students to write a note to someone who is grieving or needs a friend.

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