Rethinking Sexual Intimacy

Welcome

Well, good morning Park | Forest Glen! My name is Dan and I serve as one of the pastors here. I’m glad your with us this morning. We’re continuing in our series through the New Testament letter of 1 Corinthians—a letter written by the Apostle Paul to a church he started in the Roman city of Corinth. He started the church and then a few years later wrote this letter to them to support, challenge, encourage, and teach them how to keep following Jesus in world that doesn’t.

If you have a bible with you, open up to 1 Corinthians 7. If you need a bible you can grab one from the seat in front of you and we’ll be on page 955.

Introduction

If you’ve ever had to take a speech or public speaking class, you’ve heard about how important a good introduction is to your message. It should be clear and grab the attention of anyone listening…it should make them think they need to hear what you have to say!

To that end:

Today, we’re talking about sex.

Last week, Brenton did a great job preaching through the first of several messages that touch on Sex, Marriage and Relationships in 1 Corinthians. And it’s almost impossible to overstate how important these topics are today—especially in light of our current cultural moment. You cannot escape the constant bombardment of ads, coaching, and messaging about sex and what you should think about it.

All of us have had our thoughts about sex profoundly shaped by the world around us—the shows watch, the ads we see, the music we listen to, the books we read, or however we consume content! More than that, we all have different sets of experiences that come bare on our thinking about what sex is and what it should be!

PAUSE

Some of us have a wounding around this topic because of things you’ve gone through or are going through right now. And from that wounding comes a shame that you cannot easily shake…well that is going to have a huge influence on how you approach this topic.

PAUSE

For many of us, there’s a lot of confusion about sex because of the conflicting messaging around it.

On the one hand, you have the the church. Facing pressures from an increasingly sexually-open culture, well-meaning Christian communities in the last 50 years have had tried to batten down the hatches, to keep people from indulging in sexual behavior outside God’s intention for sex. And yet, what’ often unintentionally been communicated that sex is bad—that it is inappropriate to talk about about, let alone among other Christians or in a sermon for that matter! Which has further left many Christians to try and figure things out themselves!

And at the same time, since the 1950’s, western culture has been on journey to revolutionize sexual norms and behaviors. Technological advancements have made access to pornography unbelievably easy from theatres, x-rated magazines, movies, pictures and clips on a computer to a smart phone that has almost any image imaginable available in a matter of seconds—all the while the cultural appetite for it increases as the taboo decreases.

And herein lies the confusion many of us experience: that the two loudest (or recognizable) voices talking about sex are the Church (which seems to say, ‘No!’) and our culture, which seems to say, ‘Yes!’

The fact of the matter is, none of us have a blank slate.

And what I want to today—and only scratch the surface—is come back to a healthy, biblical view of sex. And as we look at 1 Corinthians 7:1-7, we will see three aspects of healthy sexual intimacy: that it is not a need but a gift, that it is not selfish but self-giving, and finally, that sex is not a weapon but a tool.

So if you’re not there yet, open with me to 1 Corinthians 7.

Let me read the passage, pray, and I’ll get started.

1 Corinthians 7:1–7 ESV

1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

Sexual Intimacy is not a need but a gift.

Alright, let’s get started. Look with me at v. 1 (1 Cor. 7:1)

1 Corinthians 7:1 ESV

1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”

One of the things we have to keep in mind is that Paul is responding to a letter the Corinthians sent to him.

Here’s what they said: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”

Now, we don’t know why they said that. It may be that they’re trying to respond to the issue of sexual sin in the christian community and this is the conclusion they’ve come to. That in light of how easy and damaging sexual sin is…they’ve taken the position that sex itself is bad.

And Paul comes along in chapter 7 to give them quite a bit more nuance to that position. It’s not that sex is bad. It’s that it’s powerful. And he wants followers of Jesus to understand how sex is supposed to work and function in their lives.

Biblical Framework for Sex

Now, Paul is not starting from scratch in chapter 7. He’s got some things that serve as a framework for how we need to think biblically about sex. And it goes back to the book of Genesis and the first two times we encounter the idea of Sex in the Bible…and those two places show us the biblical ideal for what is sex and how we ought to think about it. It’s not the only place sex is talked about—but because they’re first, these passages set up key ideas for how we should think about it.

Genesis 2:24-25

First, Genesis 2:24-25. This is after God has created Adam and Eve, he says this:

Genesis 2:24–25 (ESV)

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

And there is a lot we could talk about here. But for the sake of time, I’m just going to mention one thing: that in talking about a man and woman—husband and wife.

They become one.

In the original language it’s the Hebrew word: e’had. It means joined, unified, unique. It’s a picture of two people becoming intwined, together, and joined through sex. It’s actually one of the most important words in the first five books of the Bible because it becomes the primary way God calls His people to see him! He is one..He is unique.

Deuteronomy 6:4 (ESV)

4 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.

It’s the same word for one.

A husband and wife becoming one through sex let’s us know that there is something sacred, powerful, and mysterious happening all at once. Like every other created thing in Genesis 1 and 2, sex is good and right as God intended it to be! And this is why we understand sex to be reserved for a husband and wife and not in any other context!

Genesis 4:1

Here’s the second passage Paul would have been thinking about: Genesis 4:1. This is the second time the idea sex shows up in the Bible.

Genesis 4:1 (ESV)

1 Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.”

Look at that word, “knew.” Adam knew his wife. It’s a bit of a strange word to talk about sex, isn’t it?

In the original language, it’s the Hebrew word: yadah. And the vast majority of times this word is used in the Old Testament, it’s describing something learned or understood through experience…it has to do with the senses. In a small, handful of places though, it functions with a bit of a double meaning—that “knowing” is a euphemism for sex.

And I think that’s significant because it tells us that, as God has designed it, sex is actually about so much more than just an experience or action. To talk about sex as knowing someone…is to talk about a deep sense of vulnerability and transparency. It is for a husband to see his wife as she truly is…for a wife to see her husband as he truly is. It is both to know and be known in this kind of sacred, powerful, and mysterious relationship that marriage is supposed to be! In fact, I think the word that describes this level of closeness, vulnerability and acceptance is intimacy.

Which is why I think it’s helpful, as we move forward through this passage, not simply to talk about sex as an act, but sexual intimacy…because that captures the biblical framework of ONENESS and KNOWING that Genesis puts forward.

Sexual Intimacy is not a need but a gift.

Now, that brings us to the first point Paul makes in 1 Corinthians 7 about Sexual Intimacy in marriage. And this will be brief, but I think it’s crucial we understand this.

Sexual Intimacy is not a need but a gift.

In other words, Sexual Intimacy is gift that God gives to some—but not all. It is not a basic human need in order for us to be fully human or experience true joy or satisfaction!

Look at v. 1 again. The Corinthians have come up with this plan saying sex is bad—so they’ll just avoid it. But Paul starts correcting their thinking in v. 2 (1 Cor. 7:2)

1 Corinthians 7:2 ESV

But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

He’s not minimizing the danger of sexual sin…affirms that it is something God takes very seriously and is not consistent with following Jesus…and that each man should have a wife and each woman a husband.

But jump down to v. 6 (1 Co. 7:6-7)

1 Corinthians 7:6–7 ESV

Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

Paul was single…no wife. He’ll talk more about it later on. But that also means that he’s not engaging in any kind of sexual intimacy—because the only context it biblically works is in the context of marriage.

And he says, “I wish you were all like I am!

BUT…keep reading v. 7 (1 Cor. 7:7)

1 Corinthians 7:7 (ESV)

I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

You see, the way we talk about sexual intimacy today in our own cultural moment is as if it is a basic need. In part, because as a society, we’ve taken sexuality and have placed it the very center of our own identities. More and more, people identify by their sexual preferences—the category of sexual identity which did not exist as we know it in previous generations is powerful and real. And what happens then is that sexual fulfillment becomes a thing we need—without it, we’re told that we’re not truly ourselves.

But this, friends, is far from the way the Bible describes sexual intimacy. In fact, what we see in 1 Cor. 7, is that if this is indeed a gift and not a need…then we are actually liberated from the endless pursuit of trying to find satisfaction in something that was never meant to truly satisfy us!

It means we can see sexual intimacy as a very good thing…but not something required for us have true joy or fulfillment.

This means the husband or wife who feels like they’re not on the same page as their spouse regarding frequency of sexual intimacy is not doomed to just learn to cope with dissatisfaction!

It means you who long to be married and experience that kind of intimacy, while you long for a good thing, are not stuck missing out what life really to offer.

If you’re married, single, whatever season of life you’re in, you’ve experienced a level of sexual frustration. But, you see, when we see sexual intimacy as a gift and not a need, we can start to recognize that our hearts are craving something.

The key is that we have to recognize that as good a gift as sexual intimacy is—it is not the only gift that God gives…and it is not the greatest gift God gives…and it was certainly never intended to be an ultimate source of joy, happiness and satisfaction.

In fact, sexual intimacy is really only a shadow of the deeper intimacy of being fully known, fully vulnerable, and fully accepted that we have in the Gospel. It is in that vertical relationship between us and God—that relationship established by the work of Jesus on our behalf—who knows all of our brokenness, all our sin, all our shame, wounding, all of what we’ve done and what’s been done to us, and yet loving/willing chose to go to the cross in our place for our sin—so that by faith in Him, our horizontal relationship with God would be restored!

This (vertical) relationship is the one we have actually been created for! That’s where we find not just satisfaction in good gifts, but we find fulfillment in the giver of those gifts.

Transition

The first thing Paul shows us is that sexual intimacy is not a need, but a gift. But the next question is, how does that gift work? How does it play out in the context of relationship with your spouse?

Sexual Intimacy is not selfish but self-giving.

Look with me at v. 3 (1 Cor. 7:3).

1 Corinthians 7:3 ESV

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.

Some of you are like, “I just found my new memory verse.”

It’s sounds a bit formal, doesn’t it? Almost contractual? Which doesn’t really fit the intimate vibe I’ve been talking about…at least not at first.

But here’s what’s going on here. Remember, Paul is confronting the misconception the Corinthians had stated in v. 1: that it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. And here, he’s emphatically saying, No! That’s not true for a husband and a wife!

In the context of marriage, we are meant to enjoy the gift of sexual intimacy…in fact, we ought to partake in the gift of sexual intimacy and both the husband and wife have a role in this!

But what comes next is crucial. Look at v. 4 (1 Cor. 7:4)

1 Corinthians 7:4 ESV

4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

There is a reciprocal nature to sexual intimacy—it’s not simply about one spouse but both.

Or to say it another way:

Sexual Intimacy is not selfish, but self-giving.

When sexual intimacy is selfish, it is about one spouse taking what they want…and this is what happens when you only read part of this verse! When you only read the part that says, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.”

And this kind of thinking has been used by husbands who’ve treated their wives as if their body was the gift God had given them—and they take and use for their own gratification…their own pleasure! But this is twisting what Paul’s point really is. He’s not really focusing on who has “authority” over who’s body! No his point is that there is God-designed self-giving in sexual intimacy that puts the other person first! That looks to them and says, “What serves you? What shows love to you?”

Husbands, this means your wife’s body is not yours to do with what want…that is not God’s design for sexual intimacy. Your wife is the one you are to look to and cherish…and care for…and serve.

Sexual intimacy is not about meeting your spouse halfway but seeking to put them first.

Now that sounds good in theory, but how does it actually play out?

Well, in part, it means learning what your spouse is sexually comfortable with—and what they are not comfortable with…and deferring to the more conservative of the two of you. Why? Because you’re putting the other one first. And again, like we’ve already talked about, in the Gospel, you are liberated to do this because your ultimate satisfaction is not going to be found in sexual intimacy with your spouse, but the deeply soul satisfying relationship with Jesus.

It means, husbands, you are a learner of your wife…of what she loves, what shows her love, what shows her honor. You learn how to speak to her in a way that she can hear and see these things!

It means, you don’t have to resort to tricks and gimmicks to try and get your wife to have sex with you! A couple months ago, I started working on a blog post called, “Back Rubs that go nowhere and Nine other ways to love your wife.” But see, the point is you can actually live without tricks and gimmicks when you can trust your spouse is also taking the posture Sexual Intimacy being self-giving; that they are also looking to you and wanting to show you love, and care, to serve you too!

Now, here’s the challenge.

Your spouse is not perfect. Even in the most godly marriages, you are joined to someone who is still in process of becoming more like Jesus—who is an ongoing battle with selfishness and gives in to that selfishness!

But this is where you need to be reminded of the message of the Gospel in your marriage…that you are in just as much need of God’s grace as your spouse is…that you are in need of forgiveness, patience and grace. And, again, you are reminded that your ultimate joy and satisfaction are not and actually cannot be found in even perfect sexual intimacy with your spouse! When we look to our spouse for the things only God himself can provide, we will find ourselves disappointed, disillusioned, angry, and frustrated.

And this place of frustration in marriage is so dangerous—because of how quick we are to give ourselves a pass while at the same time, heaping blame on our spouse.

“If they stoped thinking about themselves for one second…”

“If they would just recognize that I have serious needs...”

“If they would just put in a little bit of effort...”

I’ve had many conversations with guys who point back to a sexually dry season in their marriage as the starting point for when they started to engage in pornography again…and most won’t come out and say it…but underneath that is often the assumption that “I wouldn’t have done that if they had been more sexually attentive to me.”

We so easily put the blame on someone else, all the while we give ourselves a pass on selfishly consuming whatever our hearts desire.

Transition

And in the anger and frustration, which Paul FULLY anticipates, we find the opportunity do the very thing Paul warns against in the end of this section; weaponizing sexual intimacy.

Sexual Intimacy is not a weapon but a tool.

Look with me at v. 5, (1 Cor. 7:5)

1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Here’s the final thing Paul has to say:

Sexual Intimacy is not a weapon but a tool.

And I think this is where the the rubber meets the road for many of us…because how easy is it to get to point in your marriage where you know and recognize the power of sexual intimacy…and then realize that you can use that power to your advantage to “get back” at your spouse.

Or maybe it’s not a way to “get back” at them, but actually way to get them to do something you actually want to do! It’s weaponized in the season that intimacy has become a bargaining chip on the relationship table…if we do this…then you can go do that thing you want to do.

I think what Paul is trying to point out here is Sexual Intimacy in marriage, as God has designed it, is so powerful, that we have to be aware of our innate human ability to try and use that power for our own benefit! And so he counsels us not to deprive one another of sexual intimacy.

Now, Paul is not saying that if you are married there should be no seasons when you’re not regularly experiencing intimacy like this. Certainly there are times when it looks different, feels different, and is may have to be put on pause for while.

But it is one thing to be in a season when the rhythms are just different…it is a whole other thing when one of you is actively seeking to deprive the other of that kind of intimacy!

Rather than it being weapon, Paul invites us to see sexual intimacy as a tool in our marriages—that as we recognize the gift it is, we can, more and more enjoy the gift it is! And to that end, he encourages those of us who are married not to neglect that gift! He encourages you to intentionally set up rhythms and patterns that support sexual intimacy in your marriage.

And he says all of this, not because sexual intimacy is bad, but because it is powerful and in the context God designed it for, it is beautifully bonding! When we see it not as a need but a gift, not selfish but self-giving, not a weapon, but a tool, we see sexual intimacy for what God has intended it to be in our marriages!

Transition

Now, let me close with this…what do we do with this?

Application

What do we do with this?

Several Conversations need to take place.

If you’re single: do you long to be married?

Intimacy Check-in

How are we doing in these areas?

Do we experience intimacy as a gift right now or a chore?

Are there ways I have weaponized it against my spouse?

You will need to have ongoing conversations with your spouse where you can genuinely and honestly ask, “How are we doing in this area?” In fact, maybe this is the application point you need to walk away with today—that this week you schedule a check-in with your spouse.

Conclusion

Q and A with Brenton and Amber