The Christ-Exalting Husband

Scripture Reading

Colossians 3:17–25 NIV84

17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. 18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. 22 Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 25 Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism.

Introduction

We've just heard from the previous verse that wives are to be submissive to their husbands, they are to respect their husbands.

The danger is that the husband, in his sinful nature, takes this as an opportunity to use and abuse his wife for selfish reasons, rather than to genuinely love her.

We need to keep in mind that the husband is called to lead.

But there is a particular manner in which the husband is to lead his wife.

Requiring wives to submit to husbands, as we have noted, matches widespread Greek and Jewish teaching about marriage. Requiring husbands to love their wives does not. The concern in the secular codes was usually effective household management—especially since the household was typically viewed as a key building block of society and of the state. Accordingly, the focus of the codes was on the paterfamilias—the “head of the household”—and what he should do to maintain order and decorum in his household. Referring to a husband’s love for his wife would not fit this purpose—and, indeed, no other code we have discovered from the ancient world requires husbands to love their wives.

Moo, D. J. (2008). The letters to the Colossians and to Philemon (p. 302). William B. Eerdmans Pub. Co.

There was thus a striking distinction in the Christian teaching that is found in Scripture.

While it remained true and valid that a wife ought to submit to and respect her husband, the husband was not then left to run roughshod over his wife.

As the Christian husband would be the leader in the home, we find through the teaching in God's word that this leadership must be fashioned by love.

This love acts as a moderating influence upon the husband’s exercise of authority.

How is a husband, as the one who leads in the home, to carry out this leadership ?

In our short verse, there are two distinct instructions issued. Or, one instruction with two sides.... a positive and negative...

1. Love your Wives

Introductory thoughts

Christian husbands are nowhere told to "exercise their headship."

They are not told to enforce their dominant role.

While the leadership role must be there, the exhortation is to the manner in which this leadership is to be carried out.

A husband is to lead with love.

What are the marks of this love?

Christocentric

The word that is used the word for “love” here is agapaō, the distinctly Christian word for the kind of sacrificial, self-giving love whose model is Christ himself

Perhaps significantly, the only other occurrence of the verb “love” in Colossians refers to God’s love for us, his people (3:12).

This is made clear when we look to the parallel in Ephesians...

Ephesians 5:25 NIV84

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Philippians 2:5–7 NIV84

5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

Christ took on a posture of deep humility.

He was motivated as he entered into this world by a concern and care for a particular people.

In order to work to their benefit, there was a need for unparalleled humility.

Forsaking that which was His in glory, he gave it up, entered into this world of sinful humanity, and served them in love.

This is the example that is set before husbands as that to follow in serving their wife.

Obviously that goes a step further...

Self-sacrificial

Ephesians 5:25

...and gave himself up for her...

"And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:8)

The ultimate demonstration of the love of Christ for the church was that he was prepared to lay down his life for them.

And so the husband is called to be prepared to sacrifice self for the sake of his wife.

This does not merely mean you should find the first opportunity to have your life taken in order to prove your love to your wife.

It does mean that you must be prepared to sacrifice your own selfish wishes and desires for the sake of demonstrating love to your wife.

The nature of humanity is such that each man seeks his own desire.

In Judges, we find that each man did was right in his own eyes... that is the state of a heart that is lost in sin....

But the heart that has been regenerated and redeemed knows the sacrifice that has been made for them, and thus is prepared to sacrifice for others.... first and foremost, for their wife.

The danger of being in the place of authority as a man is the temptation to take liberties and seek your own desires and pleasures without any consideration for your wife.

Practically speaking?

Husbands are known to want to meet up with the guys... or get out with the guys.

They want to go out and play golf...

Or they want to go out to the braai...

And while not intrinsically wrong... this is very often done while the wife continues to slave away looking after kids, keeping the home... and barely able to breathe.

This could even take place in terms of working... a man becomes so involved in his work, so tied down in "bringing home the bacon" that he doesn't spend any meaningful time in the home, with his wife...

He becomes too obsessed with achieving, with being "successful..."

There is no willingness to sacrifice.

Husbands, are you sacrificing your own desires and pleasures because you have a deep love and care for your wife, and you long to show love through sacrifice....?

Constructive

The husband is to provide a loving care over his wife, for her good and wellbeing.

He is to be a provider and a protector for her, considering her according to her needs....

The need for physical provisions.

The need for emotional intimacy

The need for physical protection.

The need for social interaction.

His work is to care for her welfare, and this not only physically and culturally but also, and in fact mainly, spiritually.

This raises a really important point, that must be at the forefront of the Christian husband's mind.

The husband's most important, his primary concern, is the spiritual wellbeing and growth of his wife.

Notice how this comes through in Ephesians 5...

Ephesians 5:26–27 NIV84

26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

3 Purpose Clauses

That he might ‘sanctify her’ (v. 26),

‘present her to himself’ in splendour (v. 27a)

and enable her to be ‘holy and blameless’ (v. 27c)

Picture from Ezekiel

Ezekiel 16:8–14 NIV84

8 “ ‘Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine. 9 “ ‘I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. 10 I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. 11 I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, 12 and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. 13 So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. 14 And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign Lord.

Implications for the husband...

Now, these purpose clauses are most truly speaking about the will of Christ for the church.

Nonetheless, the manner in which the Christian husband is to love his wife has this goal in mind.

As a husband leads his wife, his desire is that she would be a sanctified vessel.

His desire is that she would through time be all the more conformed into the likeness of Christ.

His desire is that should would holy and blameless.

Thinking this through....

A husband certainly cannot physically or spiritually transform his wife and conform her to the image of Christ.

But there is a responsibility upon the husband to be a spiritual leader in the home in order to provide the context, the environment, the spiritual guidance and leadership that is helpful for the spiritual growth of his wife.

Christ gave himself to the church to make her holy by cleansing her. This cleansing was effected by a spiritual washing brought about through Christ’s gracious word in the gospel. His love for the church is the model for husbands in its purpose and goal, as well as in its self-sacrifice (v. 25). In the light of Christ’s complete giving of himself to make the church holy and cleanse her, husbands should be utterly committed to the total well-being, especially the spiritual welfare, of their wives.

O’Brien, P. T. (1999). The letter to the Ephesians (pp. 423–424). W.B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.

It equals love for self

Ephesians Text

Ephesians 5:28–31 NIV84

28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

The statement applies the second great commandment, ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself’ (Lev. 19:18), in a direct way to the love which the husband should have for his nearest and dearest neighbour, namely, his wife.

The assumption is that each and every person has a love for themselves.

Contrary to the worlds idea that you have to first build a love for yourself, the Scriptures teach that each of us by nature has a love for ourselves.

We nurture and care for our bodies.

We do those things for ourselves that ensure our continued growth, pleasure good etc.

Even those who would afflict harm on their bodies are very often seeking the love and affection for themselves that they believe is lacking... it's geared towards themselves.

But the point is simply this... we are to have a deep love for one another.... we are to love neighbour as we love self.

Husbands are thus reminded of this in the context of their wives.

Rather than lording it over their wives as those who hold a position of authority, they are to give a love and care for their wives as if they are their own flesh and blood.

And rightly so...

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

Closing comments...

This is a high calling indeed!!

We are called as Christian husbands to lead... but to do so with a deep love, care and compassion for our wives.

2. Do not be Harsh

Meaning?

There are different translations in this verse....

The word really means to "make bitter...."

Some translate this as, "do not become embittered against them..."

Others say that the husband should not be harsh with them.

This term, stating what is prohibited, includes the meanings of becoming bitter, resentful, and incensed, and expressing these feelings in hurtful jabs.

In other words it's more a combination of those ideas...

Words from the Greek root of the word used here occur in other ancient Greek writings to refer to rulership that is domineering and harsh. Paul is probably reflecting this tradition, urging husbands not to act with a heart of bitterness toward their wives.

Moo, D. J. (2008). The letters to the Colossians and to Philemon (p. 303). William B. Eerdmans Pub. Co.

How is the husband then to live with his wife?

1 Peter 3:7 helps us to see how…

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (1 Peter 3:7)

Be Considerate

The phrase literally means to "live together according to knowledge."

This includes far more than just knowing about your wife... or knowing the differences between men and women.

This knowledge must include all of this, it should include an understanding of who your wife is as an individual person....

But it should also include a knowledge of the difference that Christ makes in relationships.

In the larger context of the continuing call to deference and reverence, it includes a call to respect the full personhood of the woman in a marriage relationship.

Probably an unbeliever!!

Keep in mind the context....

In Peter's letter, there is often an instruction to believers to live in a particular manner in a world of unbelievers.

This came out clearly with the instruction to the wives....

That even if their husbands are unbelievers they would be won over.

In the context here, the husbands were being called to live in this way, even though the wives may have taken advantage, and sought to have mastery over them....

They were to live in this manner out of reverence for Christ.

Treat them with respect

Paul speaks here of treating them with respect as weaker vessels.

I'm not going to delve into the debate of what it means that women are weaker vessels.

Certainly, as a general rule, women are physically weaker than men.

But very often this being somewhat weaker is what leads to oppression....

Keep in mind, Peter was writing into a context in which women were scorned upon as being physically weaker, and having weaker social and cultural position as compared to men.

The point that Peter makes is that Christian husbands are to show them agape love, and to treat them respectfully and honorably, irrespective of what the prevailing cultural views were.

Consequences!!

That nothing would hinder your prayers.

Peter recognizes that the prayer life of both husband and wife can be blocked, interrupted, or utterly cut off by wrong or destructive domestic or community relationships.

Waltner, E., & Charles, J. D. (1999). 1-2 Peter, Jude (p. 100). Herald Press.

Jesus taught similar

"“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23–24)

Achtemeier summarizes correctly: “The point is clear: men who transfer cultural notions about the superiority of men over women in the Christian community lose their ability to communicate with God”

Waltner, E., & Charles, J. D. (1999). 1-2 Peter, Jude (p. 100). Herald Press.

Applications

Important note...

Firstly, the fact that we are called to love in such a manner does not mean that we forsake the call to lead.

The self-sacrificial nature of the role of the husband does not lead him to forsake his responsibility to lead.

The husband doesn't just do everything the wife tells him to because this is "love."

He also doesn't just leave his wife to be when she is walking down a path that is destructive to her.

Adam and Eve found the destructiveness of the husband failing to lead, by simply allowing his wife to eat of the fruit, rather than leading her...

The man ought to lead... but he ought to do so lovingly.

Before we get to actually how to show love, and how to lead with love, need so say that you must know your wife!!

With that in mind, the following are some practical suggestions… taken from Wayne Mack’s book, “Strengthening your marriage.”

1. By using words

Some husbands are afraid of saying "I love you."

We need to be able to express that we love our wives.

Don't leave this to when your wife asks, "Do you love me?"

2. Providing for her needs

Seek to diligently make provision for your wife's various needs.

Physical

Emotional

Intellectual

Social

3. Protecting her

Is she working too hard physically?

Is she taking strain through critcism fro

4. Assisting her in the home

Some husbands refuse to do dishes

They refuse to clean around the hosue

The think its unmasculine to look after children.

5. Sacrificing for her

Tired after work? Don't just cop out!!

6. Allow her to share your life

Husband must be prepared to open up and share

What are your hopes and dreams?

What are the fears of your heart.

7. Don't compare her with others

8. Demonstrate that she has first place

9. Show tenderness, respect, courtesy

10. Express appreciation

Closing Words on H/W

We all have these responsibilities to one another!!!

Ephesians 5:21 - submit to one another...

Colossians 3:14 - Beyond all these things, put on love!! Everyone!!

Each and every one of us has these responsibilities to seek the good of the other, to love the other.

However, there is a particular sense in which this is vitally important to be demonstrated within the marriage relationship.

The wife is called to joyfully submit to the leadership of her husband.

Thus husband is called to lovingly and graciously lead his wife even as he seeks her good.

Each of you, look to yourselves.

Temper your expectations.

Roll out the red carpet when I walk to and from the car to the house / shops

Remember, this is for the glory of Jesus Christ.

Each of us should seek to bring glory and honour to Christ... and these are some of the practical ways that we do it.

We are to put Christ and the church on display to the world through our marriage relationships.

May God enable us to do this to His glory!