Sexuality

Prayer

Utter Confusion About Sexuality

Bridget Phetasy is a writer and podcaster, and she wrote an article recently in response to a book by Louise Perry called, The Case Against the Sexual Revolution: A New Guide to Sex in the 21st Century. I don’t know about the book, other than a central premise is that the sexual revolution that began in the 60’s was an abysmal failure, leaving a whole slew of damaged lives in its wake. Bridget Phetasy was one of those lives. Her article is entitled: “I Regret Being a Slut”. She said she was inspired to write the article when a 19 year old with whom she once worked asked her if she ever regretted having sex with a man. This is her response and reflections:

I laughed. “Yeah. All of them.” That’s not entirely true. There was my first love in high school. And my first husband. But if I’m honest with myself, of the dozens of men I’ve been with (at least the ones I remember), I can only think of a handful I don’t regret. The rest I would put in the category of “casual,” which I would define as sex that is either meaningless or mediocre (or both). If I get really honest with myself, I’d say most of these usually drunken encounters left me feeling empty and demoralized. And worthless. I wouldn’t have said that at the time, though. At the time, I would have told you I was “liberated” even while I tried to drink away the sick feeling of rejection when my most recent hook-up didn’t call me back. At the time, I would have said one-night stands made me feel “emboldened.” But in reality, I was using sex like a drug; trying unsuccessfully to fill a hole inside me with men. I know regretting most of my sexual encounters is not something a sex-positive feminist who used to write a column for Playboy is supposed to admit. And for years, I didn’t. Let me be clear, being a “slut” and sleeping with a lot of men is not the only behavior I regret. Even more damaging was what I told myself in order to justify the fact that I was disposable to these men: I told myself I didn’t care. I didn’t care when a man ghosted me. I didn’t care when he left in the middle of the night or hinted that he wanted me to leave. The walks of shame. The blackouts. The anxiety. The lie I told myself for decades was: I’m not in pain—I’m empowered.

Lies Phetasy embraced the lies - that casual sex - sex without intimacy or consequences - was possible, that it was actually empowering as a woman. Rooted in false notion that sex is no big deal, just a biological urge to be satisfied.

In fact, it’s harmful to repress that urge. Even in this article, she absolutely rejects any return to what she considers the prudish, outdated notions of sex embraced by those who hold to the traditional views of sex and marriage.

And because sex is considered to be no big deal, then it doesn’t matter who or how you engage in it. In our culture today, the common moral standard is consent - as long as the persons involved clearly consent, then any sexual behavior is OK - casual sex, same sex behavior, polyamorous relationships, open marriages. Even starting to see push for the acceptance of pedophilia, which is being renamed as MAP, minor attracted persons - in an attempt to remove the stigma. Argument is that some minors are mature enough to decide, capable of giving consent.

So we see that in our culture, but on the other hand we see sex made out to be a big deal - that in a very real sense, sex is worshiped in our culture.

If you just consider the sheer volume of sexualized content that is available - vast amount of pornography consumed. Sexual content is thoroughly ingrained in TV shows, movies, humor of comedians. Awards shows - particularly music award shows are highly sexualized.

C.S. Lewis - saw this coming in mid-20th century. And he made a great insight about how strange it was - that if sex is just a biological appetite, why are we so consumed with it? We have an appetite for food, but you don’t do with food what you see at strip clubs, a woman undressing. He brings up the point of how strange it would be to have a plate of food on a stage, room dark, lights shining down, music blaring, slowly cover is taken off just so you could look at it. You’d have to come to the conclusion he says, that something’s wrong with that appetite.

We really see sex as worship reflected in music, which makes sense, as music is a primary form of worship. This struck me when I was watching a recent movie, “Marry Me”, involving an unlikely romance between a music superstar and a math teacher. The musical artist performs a song called “Church” - except it’s not about church. It’s about a sexual relationship.

So is the song, “Take Me to Church”, another song, “Prayin’” by Chandler Juliet, remember Madonna, “Like a Virgin”? Demi Lovato has a new album entitled, “Holy Fvck” - see album cover here.

Nothing new - sex and worship has a long history. Temples (often associated with gods or goddesses of fertility or of love) often had temple prostitutes. Shrine prostitution is mentioned (negatively) 40 times in the Old Testament. We’re going through 1 Corinthians in our Spiritual Formation Group -in the first century city of Corinth had a huge temple to Aphrodite that was said to have 1,000 prostitutes.

We’re in thick of our sermon series on controversial issues, Tough Topics. We’re trying to examine all these issues in light of what we believe is right and true, story of reality. And we believe it’s rooted in the person of Jesus - it’s in him, and how he created us that we can best understand these things. We find ourselves in a strange place in our culture today when it comes to sex.

On the one hand, sex is said to be no big deal, just sex, natural pleasure that we should be able to engage in as we please, nothing wrong with satisfying our desires, no matter what they may be?

On the other hand, see it as a very big deal - a pre-occupation with sex, a worship of sex

Confusion over sexuality, in a sadly tragic way, actually reflects the Biblical worldview about sexuality. Which really isn’t surprising because we cannot escape how and what we - our sexuality - were created for.

Biblical Worldview - No Confusion

Jesus speaking in Mark 10:6-9… “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.

I want you to pay close attention to what Jesus is doing here as he affirms what Genesis says about how we were created. Jesus links two passages: Genesis 1:27, how God created us as two distinct sexes, male and female, man and woman, together with Genesis 2:24, the reason God created us as male and female: a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

Then he adds his own commentary, affirming the reality of what takes place in marriage union: So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.

Jesus is teaching in the context of question of divorce, pointing to reality of marriage - what marriage is, by God’s design - as well as what it is for. It speaks to why sexual intimacy is intended by God to be within the confines of the marriage relationship between a man and a woman. First and foremost is to bear children - and one of the huge reasons we’re so confused about sex today is because we’ve separated sex from marriage and children. By God’s design, they are explicitly linked together - a man leaving his father and mother and being united to his wife so that they, too, can become father and mothers whose children will leave them and be united and so on.

And central to this coming together, this being united, is intimacy. It’s built into marriage - two becoming one flesh. And this intimacy is not just physical, but emotional, spiritual, relational. It’s why God created marriage as a covenant relationship, man and woman coming together, till death do us part - to create a relationship of trust in which that intimacy, that oneness, can grow.

Here’s main point - sex is about intimacy. We were made for intimacy, for oneness. We long for it - we were made to know and be known. We were made to love fully and be fully loved. And we also fear it - because there’s risk.

Two becoming one flesh - this core aspect of marriage, is one way that God invites us to experience and grow in intimacy, in oneness. To be clear, it is not the only way to grow into the intimacy we were made for, but it is central to the very purpose and design of marriage.

It’s why casual sex will never work - why hook ups leave people feeling “empty and demoralized and worthless”. Why Bridget Phetasy regrets being a slut. Because sex by its very nature is an intensely intimate act. And that intimacy is guarded by the bonds of marriage relationship.

Why all other sexual activity outside the bounds of the marriage relationship - pre-marital, extra-marital, same-sex, polyamorous, incestuous - are wrong and cause more harm than good. Because it is misplaced sexual intimacy.

It’s why sexuality is so often mixed with worship - because we have this deep sense that there is something incredibly spiritual going on in the sexual union - because there is. By God’s design.

Why it can be such a good, such a blessing, a rich and wonderful part of the marriage relationship. C.S. Lewis writes that so many people think Christians have a low view of sex - we stifle it, repressive view. Lewis says, no, it’s because we have such a high view - we know it’s power, it’s sacredness, dangers when its misused.

Our culture fails to recognize that - which is why we see the wave of destruction, all the emotional and spiritual and relational damage. Which is exactly what Louise Perry and Bridget Phetasy are attesting to.

I want us to look at how Paul talks about marriage, two becoming one flesh in Ephesians 5:21-33 to see a little bit more of how this relates to this question of intimacy:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

There’s so much here regarding the marriage relationship, rooted in this basic principle of mutual submission, mutual giving of oneself over to the other. This principle of mutual submission is to be the basis of all our relationships, including our relationship with God - which is a key element of intimacy.

I want to focus your attention on the connection Paul is making between husband and wife and Jesus and the church, his body - and self-giving love that is to be lived out in both of these relationships.

Here we come to explicit connection to intimacy - Paul, like Jesus, quotes Genesis 2:24, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. He declares it to be a profound mystery - not a mystery in the sense of a puzzle to be solved, but something beyond us, too deep for us to fully comprehend.

He makes clear that he is not just talking about what happens in a marriage relationship, but also Christ and the church - that in both of these cases there is something profoundly sacred about the intimacy of this union - this coming together of Jesus and his people, the church, and of man and woman in marriage.

What we’re seeing here is that marriage is a reflection of the intimacy that we are to grow into with Jesus himself.

Let me give you another example: 1 Corinthians 6:15-17, Paul is teaching against those in the church of Corinth engaged in sexual immorality (temple prostitution)...Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

Do you see what Paul is saying - when you go have sex with a prostitute, when you unite your body with hers - far more than just a physical act going on - there’s a coming together, a oneness, body-to-body, spirit-to-spirit connection happening. We demean ourselves - and Jesus, whom we are united with - when we engage in sex casually.

That’s the key, verse 17, Whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. What we do in our body affects our spirit - and vice versa. Why casual sex always leaves people feeling empty - and why people sing songs equating sex with spirituality - because it is.

Here’s the point of all this - we were made for intimacy. We long for it. We were created to be united with God himself. To share in his oneness. God is the great three-in-one, three persons, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in one being. In mutual self-giving love relationship with one another. And we were created to share in that - not just with God, but with one another. Loving others and being loved moves us into intimacy, deep sense of connection, oneness.

Marriage is one of the ways that God teaches us to live into intimacy, into oneness. We make these solemn vows to be faithful to one another - because intimacy is risky, trust has to be built for it to flourish - for us to know and be known by each other, to give and receive, love and be loved, mutual submission. Why adultery, unfaithfulness (which can take part in so many ways) is so devastating - because of the vulnerability intrinsic to true intimacy.

To be clear, marriage is just one of the ways God can grow us in intimacy with him and with others. Happens emotionally, relationally in deep friendships - hopefully that’s what’s happening in the church community, the body, growing as members of one body - into the head Jesus Christ.

I hope it’s clear why God created sex to be in the confines of the marriage relationship between a man and a woman. But more importantly for us, is the question of how we’re to grow into what God intends for us - our intimacy with him, in our marriages, in our relationships.

Spiritual Disciplines - Lived Obedience to Jesus - put it into practice

Your sexual life - are you living it in a way that honors God and his intention for you, his good purposes - within the bounds of the marriage covenant? Struggle with porn? Unfaithful in your marriage relationship? As a single person? Within your marriage?

Sexual sin has a way of leaving a deep stain on us - behaviors that you regret (like Bridget Phetasy), experience the grace and forgiveness of Jesus Christ. Don’t have to live in shame, but in his grace and love.

But if there is some way that you’re engaged in sexual immorality now, what is it that you need to repent of? Willingness to submit that part of your life to Jesus (in same way he submitted his life for your sake?)

Commitment to grow in intimacy - consider an area where you would most like to grow in intimacy

In your marriage relationship (date night, romantic getaway, space for conversation / sharing of life together)

In friendships / community of faith - pursue friendship…invitation to lunch, part of our Spiritual Formation Group, risk openness

With Jesus himself, spend time in solitude (getting alone to be with Jesus)

Inspiration

When you consider our culture’s pre-occupation with sex, it’s Interesting to note that marriage - and sex - will not exist in heaven. It won’t be needed, we will live eternally, there will be no bearing of children, and we will be in perfect unity with God and with one another. Nor individual families - because we will all be part of the Kingdom of God.

Well, that’s disappointing! But it’s actually an amazingly beautiful thing - we will be living in perfect oneness - intimacy with God himself, and then with all others as well. We will be living out the greatest commandments - freely, willingly, joyfully - to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength and our neighbors as ourselves. And we will be loved in those ways. That’s what Jesus is working in us toward - this is so much bigger than sex. What we’re really longing for is intimacy - and we will have it completely with him.