Rethinking Divorce and Remarriage

Welcome

Introduction

Conversation with Tom Howard.

Divorce is PAINFUL.

There are going to be a lot of what about this or what about that kinds of questions. And almost none of them are easy questions to answer!

If you’re here and you have gone through a divorce. I want you to hear me clearly: you do not wear a scarlet letter. You are in a community of people who are in just as much need of God’s grace as you are.

And so as we look at this passage, this is going to break down into two major sections. We will look at Marriage, as God intends it and then we’ll see Divorce, as God allows it. And there is a lot of ground to cover here because the bible does have quite a bit to say about this topic.

Let me pray, and then we’ll get started.

Marriage, as God Intends It

We talked about this a lot more last week—God intends for marriage to be the joining of a man and women, together, for good. We saw this in Genesis 2, but Jesus also affirms the same idea in one of the main passages on this topic, Matthew 19:3-9. I’ll have it on the screen behind me as we talk through this a bit.

Matthew 19:3–9 (ESV)

3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

Let me set the scene a little bit.

Some of the religious leaders approach Jesus with one of the hot topic issues of the day. And they ask him, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” And by “lawful” they mean, would God allow this?

And the reason they’re asking that question is because of a passage in the book of Deuteronomy 24 in the Old Testament that said:

Deuteronomy 24:1 ESV

1 “When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house,

The problem here is that this passage is actually pretty vague. Like what does it mean for a husband to find “…some indecency in her...”?

In Jesus’ day, teachers interpreted this in a lot of different ways. One group said it meant it was okay if the husband found some sexual impurity in her. Another group said it could be something as insignificant as burning his dinner…another said it mean it he found someone more beautiful. And all these ideas are floating around the time of Jesus.

So they’re asking him where he stands in this debate.

And in His response, Jesus talks about Marriage, as God intends it: that it’s one man and one woman who become one new family unit. They are “one flesh”. And he ties this all together for the religious leaders by saying, “We shouldn’t break apart the one flesh relationship God has brought together in marriage!”

That right there is what Jesus says the norm for a marriage is supposed to be! One man, one woman, for life. This is Marriage, as God intends it.

Jesus Teaching On Marriage

Now, jump back for a moment to 1 Corinthians 7. Look at v. 10 (1 Cor. 7:10-11). And what we’ll see is that Paul is putting forward the same idea.

1 Corinthians 7:10–11 ESV

10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

You might see that phrase, “Not I, but the Lord”…and what that tells us that Paul is pulling from a specific teaching directly from Jesus. He’s summarizing the same idea that Jesus put forward in Matthew 19:3-9 that Marriage, as God Intends it is supposed to be for life and not something dissolved. More than that, he speaks to the idea of remarriage…or what God allows for marriage after a divorce were to take place…which we’re going to spend some more time talking about in a bit.

Transition

But for now, we see that Jesus and Paul are on the same page. The union of Marriage, as God intends it, is not to be dissolved.

But, I think we know that this get’s a lot more complicated than just the ideal. Right now, you may be asking a whole bunch of different questions that don’t fit the ideal…maybe you’re thinking through things you saw in your parents marriage…or perhaps your own. And what you saw, have experienced, or are experiencing is far from the ideal.

What then?

What does Jesus have to say to you?

What does Paul have to say to you?

And how does this whole conversation about Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage relate to you and your situation?

Divorce, as God Allows It

Jump back to Matthew 19—and Jesus with the religious leaders. We’ve been talking about Marriage as God intends it, but now we’ll see Jesus and Paul shift to discuss Divorce as God allows it.

Matthew 19 again (Matthew 19:3-9).

Matthew 19:3–9 ESV

3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

Jesus has just given them his answer in v. 4-6…that Marriage, as God intends it, is not to be dissolved through divorce.

But this point, the religious leaders think they’ve trapped him—because they go back to that passage in Deuteronomy and say, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and send here away?”

Look at Jesus’ response to them in v. 8 (Matthew 19:8).

Matthew 19:8 ESV

8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.

He’s quick to point out two things:

First, Jesus points out that Moses did not command them to practice divorce, but allowed them. And that is not just a play on words. Jesus is pointing out that there were situations in which divorce, as painful as it is…and though that is not the way God had intended marriage to function…there are allowances for divorce. He will talk more about that in a moment.

Secondly, and this goes with the first point, Jesus shares that God made these allowances because of their “hardness of heart”. And in talking about the hardness of heart, he’s talking about the reality that anyone who has has had meaningful interactions with other humans on regular basis is keenly aware of…he is talking about the general brokenness of humanity. That all of us have issues, baggage, wounding that we carry with us. And we act, respond, and engage with everyone else around us out of those wounds! To varying degrees, sure.

But at some point it will come out!

This is what we mean when we talk about sin—it is part of what it means to be human that our brokenness comes to bear on our relationships—often on our closest most intimate relationships.

Jesus is pointing out that God is well aware of our brokenness…He’s well aware of our issues! And he is well aware that we can do real, lasting harm and damage to those we in closest relationship with. And while that is not what God intends…it is certainly not what he intends in the marriage relationship…He knows that it is a reality.

Divorce ALLOWED in the case of Adultery

And here is where he makes his fullest, and most direct statement on the topic. Look at v. 9, (Matthew 19:9)

Matthew 19:9 ESV

9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

Author Mark Twain once said:

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

And I think that sums the challenge up really well here. That Jesus speaks directly enough that, we struggle not to make sense of what he’s said but with the intensity of what he’s just said! Or why He’s said it!

And, really, I want to be careful here because I know for several of us…we are not talk about theological theory…we are talking about something YOU have experienced…that YOU have gone through and may still very much be processing.

Let’s unpack what Jesus says here, because I think it will help us best understand what he’s actually trying to get across.

Divorce and Remarriage is Adultery

For a moment, let’s take out this little exception clause right in the middle. That will give us the general principle he’s communicating. If you do that, the passage sounds like this (Matthew 19:9)

Matthew 19:9 (ESV)

9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife...and marries another, commits adultery.”

Why is he saying that?

Well, think about about what we talked about last week and the sexual intimacy God intends in the marriage relationship. Jesus alluded to it in this passage too…that the in marriage, what brings a husband and wife together is the sexual intimacy…becoming one flesh. They are joined. Again we talked about it last week, but that word “One” in One-Flesh means unique…or one of a kind. As husband and wife, the Bible teaches us that, in marriage, a couple has been joined to each other so much so that they are something new.

See, Jesus has such a high view of what marriage is…that it is more than just a really good friendship…it’s a bond that is even deeper than blood relatives. And Jesus’ point is that you cannot simply stop being one-flesh with your spouse; that this one-flesh identity with your spouse is not something God intends to be dissolved simply through a certificate…or through the laws of the state.

So much so that if you were to remarry again, and engage in sexual intimacy with someone else as husband and wife…that is adultery. Because that One Flesh relationship has not really been dissolved as God sees it. If the image of marriage is the joining of a man and woman, bonded together into one new entity, then divorce is breaking apart of that new entity. It’s breaking apart something that is not meant to be broken apart. And this is why, divorce is such a painful process…and I would include in that everything that has led up to a divorce.

That’s the general principle.

Jesus’ Exception Clause

I think now we can got back to Jesus’ statement in v. 9 and read the whole thing.

Matthew 19:9 (ESV)

9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

The one allowance Jesus makes is in the case where there has been sexual immorality on the part of a spouse; a husband or wife has an affair. When that happens, divorce and remarriage would be biblically permissible…not mandatory…and it would not be seen by God as an adulterous relationship.

Now from this point on in the message, we’re going to be coming up to some hard questions. Like from that verse, the obvious question here is: what actually counts as sexual immorality?

And I will say from the get go, that none of these answers are all black and white. It takes great wisdom and discernment to navigate these questions…and I’ll tell you that it is one thing to think through them yourself so you can have a “position on divorce and remarriage”. It’s another thing to sit across from a couple who are angry or frustrated, hurt, or just broken down over something that’s been happening and work through an answer in that context.

And some of you will be in that position of giving counsel to a friend or member in your small group…or whoever. And you need to know you need to rely on God to grant wisdom to you as you walk through these questions with them.

Question: What does Jesus mean by Sexual Immorality?

The word Jesus uses here, in the original language, is one we’ve talked about several times so far. It’s the greek word, Porneia. And really is a catch-all word to describe any kind of sexual activity outside of God’s design for sexual intimacy within the context of marriage. Brenton talked about this a lot more a few weeks ago when we looked at Chapter 5.

But that seems to vague cover a lot of different things, right?

But here’s the point Jesus is making. Remember, the original question he’s answering from the religious leaders is about what causes are acceptable for divorce. And he’s already said that they’re thinking about the question wrong. That really, Marriage as God intends it is not to be dissolved through divorce! The One-Flesh bond cannot just end. However, because it is sexual intimacy in marriage that forges the One-Flesh bond Jesus is talking about, then to engage in sexual intimacy with someone other than your spouse is, in a sense, becoming one with that other person! And that breaks apart the true one-fleshness with your spouse. In this case, Jesus is saying that a divorce is actually confirming what the sexual immorality has already accomplished in that marriage.

That does not mean divorce is required.

And if this is part of your story in your marriage…that does not mean you are beyond hope and beyond repair. This is part of the radical good news of the message of Jesus, that we are able to seek AND find true forgiveness AND we are empowered to extend true forgiveness! Infidelity in a marriage is incredibly painful but it does not have to be the end.

Paul’s Teaching on Divorce (1 Cor. 7:12-16)

Alright, let’s jump back to 1 Corinthian 7. Look at v. 12. Because this is where Paul is anticipating more questions about divorce.

1 Corinthians 7:12–13 ESV

12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.

Now, when he says, “I’m saying this, not the Lord.” what he means is that Paul is expanding on Jesus teaching here. He’s not contradicting it, but he’s adding color to it so we have an even better understanding of Divorce, as God allows it.

What if my spouse is not a Christian?

It’s like he can imagine himself just telling the Corinthians that for sake of mission of the church, it would be better if you were single like me—and by the way he’s going to talk a lot more about that in the next week—but then he can imagine some of the people saying, “Well, Paul, I’m a Christian…but my husband…or wife…isn’t.” Should we get divorced so that I can be like you?

And his answer is no. That alone is not grounds for divorce.

Whether or not your spouse believes in the One-Flesh teaching about marriage in from Jesus, that doesn’t make it any less true. If you are married to them, you are married. And, I recognize, that is a hard place to be—if your spouse is not a follower of Jesus and you are. Paul will actually spend more time on that topic as we end chapter 7 and so we’ll spend more time talking about it there. But his general answer to this question is: stay in the marriage. Continue to share and show the love of Jesus to your spouse…your kids…your extended family. You do not know how the Lord may use that ongoing patience and witness to Jesus.

What if my spouse divorces me?

Here’s the next question, “What if my spouse divorces me?” Is that marriage actually dissolved in God’s eyes? Am I free to get remarried?

Look at the first part of v. 15 (1 Cor. 7:15)

1 Corinthians 7:15 (ESV)

15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so....

This is, historically, the second case for Divorce as God allows it; abandonment. That one spouse walks away and is uninterested or unwilling to seek reconciliation. In other words, one spouse has been abandoned by the other. The marriage has been abandoned. As Paul sees it, this abandonment has the same effect on a marriage as sexual immorality does that Jesus mentioned in Matthew 19. In the same way, the divorce does not break the one-fleshness of that relationship, it confirms it.

Paul says in that situation, the one who has been abandoned is not enslaved. They are biblically free to remarry another.

And while this is a short answer, I don’t mean at all to minimize the long-term pain of this kind of marital abandonment both on the spouse and on the family as a whole! In fact to talk about any of these “Allowances” here is really something we should do in heartbreak because this is not the way it’s supposed to be! Not just the divorce itself, but all of what may have led to it. It’s not marriage as God intends it!

What if my spouse is abusive?

I want to specifically call out one more question. Does God allow divorce if my spouse is abusive?

This, again, is a question that deserves so much more time and attention than we can give it in the moments we have left, but I think it’s important to call out in a message like this.

Historically speaking, abuse has not often been considered by followers of Jesus as biblically permissible grounds for divorce. However, in the recent years, I think we have started to understand much more the dynamics of abuse—the damage it causes, evil it is, and, sadly, the frequency of it even in marriages between to professing followers of Jesus.

Look at v. 15 again (1 Cor. 7:15)

1 Corinthians 7:15 (ESV)

15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

Right in the middle there, Paul says, “In such cases...”

Many consider this to mean something like, “in other cases of abandonment by a spouse” meaning that Paul is talking about those specific parameters.

However, in the original language, this phrase “In such cases” doesn’t show up anywhere else in the Bible. But when we go to some of the writings and authors from this time period who do use this phrase, it tends to mean “more examples of situations other than the one just given.”

We might even translate it here from greek into English as, “in cases similar to this.” Meaning, as Paul wrote that, while he doesn’t go in to specifics, there are other situations he’s thinking of like abandonment by a spouse or sexual immorality that produce the same effect in breaking the one-fleshness of a marriage. And this is where we enter into the complexity I talked about earlier…because it would have been really helpful if he went to list off those other things.

But he doesn’t.

And I’ll say this, there is not 100% consensus on this from all followers of Jesus. But in my view, abuse may well fall under the category of Divorce as God allows it. The challenge with a statement like that is that there are necessarily a thousand follow-up questions! Really with all of these answers I’ve put forward today! I want you to know that you can and should be asking those questions! Please Please Please reach out. Talk with me, Brenton, Courtney or Amber! As your church family, we are committed to walking along side you as we wrestle together with whatever question you have! And in the case of Abuse, our immediate next step is get you out of the situation you’re in and put an immediate end to the abusive environment you are apart of.

Application

Now, as we close up, you may have noticed the language I’ve used throughout this message: Marriage as God intends it, and Divorce as God allows it. And that’s because, while divorce and remarriage may be biblically permissible, that does not mean it is always the necessary outcome or the first step taken.

You see, this is because, as followers of Jesus, we believe in the radical message of God’s amazing Grace—that He shows us a kindness, patience, and goodness, we have not earned! I think it’s interesting that one of primary ways the Bible talks about our relationship with God is through the metaphor of a Husband and a wife…that God is like a Husband—and we are like his wife. And yet most often, as his bride, we are pictured as running off—running to someone or something else! We are the adulterous wife…and how does God respond to us?

Instead of rejecting and pushing away, he leans in. He pursues. He extends forgivness. He seeks reconciliation!

In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he talks about this exact metaphor in a way that is absolutely stunning. That marriage is ultimately a greater picture of how God relates to us in the Gospel.

Ephesians 5:25–27 ESV

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Friends, this is how God responds to us! He loved and give his life for us! For those of us who have walked away…who have rejected him…who failed to live the way God created us to live. Jesus gave his life on the cross for us so that, when we put our faith in him…pledging our allegiance to Him and Him alone…we receive forgiveness! He cleanses us. He presents us not as stained with sin and shame, but presents pure and blameless, holy and without blemish.

By faith in Jesus, we find healing for all our wounding.

By faith in Jesus, we find forgiveness for all our sin.

By faith in Jesus, our guilt is gone…our shame is no more.

This is how God, as a husband pursues us.

TALK TO SOMEONE—SEEK HELP—REACH OUT