Spilling the Sweet Tea
Notes
Transcript
Spilling the Sweet Tea
Spilling the Sweet Tea
Back in 2015 I was in my first month pastoring in my previous district. It was Saturday evening when my phone rang. “Pastor Ross, I want to tell you how much I appreciate you coming to pastor here.” It was someone who I had interviewed with. I remembered her because she had asked me some deeply personal questions publicly in my interview. “Pastor Ross, I want you to be successful here, so I wanted to share with you a few things.
It took me listening to a few stories, that made me realize the phone call was not there to enhance my ability to minister but that I was being given rather personal information about parishioners, I was in the process of meeting and getting to know and work with and minister to. This woman was attempting to “spill the tea.”
Do you know what I mean when I say, “spill the tea?” She was attempting to run through her church directory and give me the scoop on just about every active member in that church, and then some.”
She was more than spilling the tea, I’d say she was attempting to spill the SWEET tea! Not the delicious refreshing beverage I enjoyed at Stephanie and Austin’s wedding last Sunday. She was giving earliest and latest gossip.
A few too many minutes into the conversation, I decided to end it. I told her, while I valued her support and desire to help, respectfully I wanted to make certain determinations about people through my experience and as much as possible begin working with each other on a clean slate. I didn’t need everyone’s dirty laundry just yet.
My friends gossip is one of the most cancerous tendencies in which we can engage in. We’re going to define what gossip is and what is not gossip this morning. One thing I want be very clear on though is gossip is not gospel work. Gospel is the good news. Gossip does not concern itself good news. Gossip has no place in the gospel. change slide
1 Corinthians 13:6-7 tells us,
“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
As we engage in this topic, and lay out God’s design for communication, lets pray and ask God’s spirit into this place.
Prayer.
I am guessing if we were discussing the morality of an activity and it was determined, it was a gray area, you would know what I mean. That something is either a muddied topic or that, the lines between right and wrong are not clear as the difference between night and day.
Should participating in gossip be treated as a gray area?
change slide
Pastor Ross, God calls on Christians to disclose their problems to one another (Galatians 6:2; James 5:16).
-”Bear each others burdens,
-”confess to one another your sins...”
But is it ever right to discuss another’s problem with a third party? What about leadership teams that need to decide what to do with a member? What about a lay leader who needs help discerning a tough situation? What about a friend who knows something serious about another friend, but the other friend won’t agree to disclose the problem? What about a friend who says, “I’ve got something to share, but you have to promise not to tell anyone,” or “By the way, what I told you was in confidence”?
I would guess that most all of us have seen the damaging effects of gossip in some way or another. The wreckage that gossip can cause: feelings hurt, trust destroyed, relationships ruined – and above all, an atmosphere of mistrust and fear. People feel reluctant to open up out of fear people will broadcast it. Also, people may not open up about serious problems, or may sanitize their versions of those problems unless we can offer them the safety of confidentiality.
If you are someone who needs the proof texts. They are there. change slide
Scripture speaks strongly against gossip.
Proverbs 20:19 - “…do not associate with a gossip.” (See also Proverbs 11:13a; 16:27,28; 17:9b)
Romans 1:29; 2 Corinthians 12:20 – Both differentiate gossip from slander and condemn it as the result of a depraved mind, unfitting for Christians.
1 Timothy 5:13; 2 Thessalonians 3:11 – Both condemn “busybodies” who “speak about things not proper to mention.”
Likewise you can find plenty of scripture that defends the idea of confidentiality. change slide
Proverbs. 17:9a - “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.”
Proverbs 20:19 – “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip.”
Matthew 18:15 - “If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private…” This implies a moral desire of resolving the matter one on one.
With these scriptures clear…I could probably just end the message right now. Okay its cut and dry. If we are participating in gossip, “Cut it out!” Nice job pastor! Done under 10 minutes!
Not so fast, let me muddy the waters a bit.
Like so many issues, when viewing things under grace we are not given black and white prescriptions on exactly how to handle each situation. The Bible lays out key principles, the biggest being love. The best way to love someone is not one-size fits all. Believers are supposed to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading while growing in their own discernment. As they grow in discernment, they will develop an ability to sense what the most loving stance is to take in each situation.
Turn with me to a chapter of the Bible Pastor Bill preached on a few weeks. Many of you missed the message because half our church including myself were down at Table Rock for the outdoor service. Turn to James chapter 3.
change slide
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.
Jealousy, selfish ambition or motivations can be seeds to vindictive motivations. These can quickly turn to compromising truth. Maybe its embellishing a story, adding or leaving out small but key details. When we do this we are no better than networks news channels who don’t just report facts, but also can manipulate your emotional response to receiving the news. This creates false narrative.
The scripture describes this form of expressing wisdom as, well... not Heavenly. change slide
This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.
When we participate in gossip, our purpose is often sharing stories of either shaming an individual or at the very least discrediting a person, and often unfairly. Even if something that is being shared is true, when are gossiping, we are not seeking to help, or coming from a good place in our heart. I would suggest our reasons come from a sinful strain in our hearts.
I would suggest when we are having our discussions and other people are mentioned is developing this spiritual gift of discernment. Luckily this passage helps us identify Heavenly wisdom and precisely what it looks like. change slide
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
What do you think about that verse, is that one we might want to highlight. ---Nathan Green will be teaching the highlighting honor tomorrow. I think thats one we should remember.
Paul has words to, to the believers in Ephesus change slide
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Gossip is corrupted talk, produced from a sinful heart.
But avoidance of gossip is not enough...
Another nuance scripture describes as a healthy and positive part of communication is openness and transparency. Transparency is not in opposition to what we are discussing.
While the Scriptures we have discussed thus far show a value for confidentiality between friends, the following passages signal a scriptural value for transparency.
Take, for example, disciplinary cases involving objective and damaging sin such as abuse or moral falls among leaders.
i mentioned a verse in Matthew earlier.
Matthew 18:16, 17 – The same passage that recommends resolving it in private commands us to get a couple others involved, seeking to reason, but eventually discipline is necessary
look at this passage in Galatians:
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.
– As things become a public matter if someone was “caught in sin.” Our job is not be the agents of stone throwing but seeking to help through discipline.
1 Timothy 5:20 – Paul tells Timothy that an elder who “continues in sin” sinful actions should be rebuked “in the presence of others present for the sake of accountability.
I would suggest to you the functionality of transparency and accountability are under the confines of James 3 encouraging Heavenly Spiritual wisdom and discernment, and not quarrelsome false wisdom also described by James as the unnameable tongue.
Enacted church discipline demands unblemished Biblical ethics, otherwise we lend ourselves toward corruption, which is fueled by that SWEET TEA we tend to be spilling.
change slide
Unblemished Biblical ethics involve healthy openness, transparency. This is at the heart of Seventh-day Adventist fundamental belief #24 Christ’s Ministry in the Heavenly Sanctuary. Otherwise known as the Investigative judgment. If you are unfamiliar with with this belief held by the church, let me simplify it. This means that Jesus’ life on Earth was that of living sacrifice an atonement for our sins. His ministry in Heaven as our High priest is a demonstration to the universe an act of full transparency and saving grace.
The devil, once the highest of all the angels, known as Lucifer spread deceit through more than gossip in Heaven. He succeeded in seducing and manipulating 1/3 of the angels. Eventually he and his followers were thrown from Heaven and he then manipulated mankind with lies and even twisted truths.
What we are learning here is the nature of Jesus is truth. His Adversary Satan is the father of lies. He is the originator of gossip.
Change slide
God has nothing to hide, he wants all created beings to understand the nature of sin and its consequences. He also wants us to understand the beauty experienced when living a life committed to Christ Jesus. When the time is right, the books will be open and all will be able to see, God withholding nothing.
Our church practices transparency as well. We practice open board in our church and school. Our financial records are open as well.
Are all of us church goers perfect? Of course not. We make mistakes. We are in need of the Redeemer.
Pastor Ross, you want us to live a life with transparency, but keep confidences of those around us in avoiding gossipy behaviors, but really aren’t those technically opposing ideologies?
You all are so astute! But the answer is no, not really. There is a tension there. Biblical communication needs integrity and trust.
As a pastor, I do receive confidential information. Pastors, elders, family, and friends will obviously learn things. We must maintain a high value for confidentiality even if we’re conferring with a co-leader or necessary confidants.
Before Meggan and I got married we spent time in pre-marital counseling. Barry Tryon walked with us through this. He had been a pastor for Meggan when she was a kid. I had gotten to know him when I was a theology student at SAU serving as my evangelism professor. It was important that as we shared intimately that we had mutual trust with the person counseling us.
As Christians, its important, we don’t betray the confidence of those whom we are confided in by viewing their information as just simply the latest juicy tidbit. Our church has some wonderful prayer ministries. How would you feel if those praying, had the attitude of. “Well we need to pray for (so & so)…because and then spill all sweet tea they know about the situation. Earnest prayer is for the individual, not just learning the latest dirt.
Where is the line Pastor?
Paul writes to the Philippians: change slide
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
I think we have to analyze what is dwelling in our minds and hearts. Are yearning for the latest tid bit of juicy gossip is our mind fixated on the desires of kingdom.
Jesus drew a line, quite literally in the sand. When religious leaders caught the woman in adultery and threw her before him. Jesus refused to participate. His interest came only from a place of love. He didn’t compromise or bargain, He just simply evidenced that those who were condemning were not in a position to judge or literally cast stones.
We may not live in a society that often casts literal stones, but our words can hurt and wound all the same. What if we behaved like Jesus, and refused to join the mob. I don’t think there are any parents in here who wish their kids to become bullies. Let’s be mindful not to model that behavior ourselves.
Parents, your children are listening. When you are discussing with spouses sensitive topics. Teachers and youth leaders would agree with me, your kids who likely have not developed adequately discernment in sharing, may take any piece of information you share and share it unintentionally and unfiltered.
Today I want to be clear, I am not discouraging sharing. Sharing when things are good and not so good is important. Keeping things bottled up is not in any way healthy. One major point is that when we share we are clear with our permissions. Am I sharing something about myself or another person, and what is my motivation in sharing. Am I sharing someone else’s business or my own, am I sharing for counsel or for creating chaos.
Am I conferring or gossiping? Am I attempting to hear the whole story or hearing the side that supports my bias? change slide
The one who states his case first seems right,
until the other comes and examines him.
Sometimes it can be misleading to hear only one side. The Bible encourages us to seek further consultation. Failing to confer on important matters is a common error in discernment.
You may need to ask yourself a few questions to determine if you’re conferring or gossiping. change slide
Will the person with whom you are conferring be able to give you wise counsel?
Is the driving force concern or curiosity?
Are you seeking help or are you broadcasting someone’s lurid secrets to get a response from people?
Are we actually looking for input or are we simply venting frustration?
The Bible condemns and prohibits gossip. Yet, it commends conferral for the sake of building up fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
One author distinguishes this way. change slide
Conferral-Motivated by the desire to help the person and the body of Christ
Gossip-Lack of concern or even the desire to hurt the person and exalt self.
Conferring- Confers only with responsible people who can help
Gossip- Talks to whomever they please without regard for its effect on them
Conferring- Confers only about live issues
Gossip- Talks past, dead, purely personal issues
Conferring- Done in addition to talking to the person if needed
Gossip- Done instead of talking to the person if needed
Conferring- Carefully explains the context of the problem to the conferee
Gossip- Neglects or distorts the context of the problem
Conferring- Promotes more trust, openness, and less gossip in the body of Christ
Gossip- Promotes fear of openness and more gossip in the body of Christ
Conferring- Discourages sharing when it's irrelevant to or interferes with loving others.
Gossip- Pressures other people to tell for the pleasure of being "in the know."
It is also important to have discernment between when to remain silent versus sharing period.
As a pastor whose 1st role is working with youth, when I am talking with a child or teenager, I never promise that “I won’t tell anyone.” When they share until I know what is being shared. If a child is in an abusive situation or self-harming, or their is a dangerous situation unfolding. These are things I can’t keep a promise to not say anything. In fact, I don’t think its likely they would share if they didn’t on some level acknowledge they need help.
Here are some questions to consider when attempting to practice discernment between silence, and conferring. change slide
Does your silence injure another person or the witness of the body of Christ?
-Many issues are of such a purely personal nature (masturbation) or have taken place so long ago (sex life as an unbeliever) that there’s no good reason to share it with others. Show them acceptance and let them share this with others as they get to know them.
-But we should seek conferral on other issues directly affecting another party (adulterer’s spouse) or the witness of the body of Christ (brother swindling in business, youth worker who lusts for kids). We do not want to enter into a “conspiracy of silence” in the area of serious sin, which hurts others and the witness of Christ.
change slide
What is the person’s role in the church?
Those with more authority bear more responsibility and accountability. We need to handle moral fallings of pastors, elders, principals, teachers etc differently than a new Christian. New believers may need instruction or biblical persuasion. Or they may have stumbled while attempting to gain victory over their sin. In all areas accountability is there for the purpose of helping the individual, not just enacting blind judgment.
change slide
What concrete thing do you want to confer about?
You should be clear on what and why – and you should confer with those who can help. If you can’t answer these questions clearly, you probably need to give it more thought before conferring.
change slide
Is this a matter that should remain between friends or spouses? Or is it something that’s damaging or sinful?
We enjoy true intimacy when we feel the freedom to be real about our lives. If believers can never tell each other something in confidence, we may be working against our goal of true community and deep friendships. We must work to create an atmosphere in friendships and marriages where people aren’t afraid to share.
change slide
Is conferral the only option?
Have you considered gently encouraging the person who told you information to open up to others instead of you choosing to do so for them? Have you considered asking them if it is okay to confer? Is it urgent, or can you allow more time for the person to open up to others? Is it ever appropriate to refer them to a trustworthy professional Christian counselor (who maintains confidentiality)? The professional may be in the best position to help them process painful personal matters.
change slide
What is your own tendency in this area?
Are you prone to gossip?
Do you find yourself sharing stories in a public setting as a form of one-upmanship? Do people come to you with gossip or with shocking stories of people’s sin?
On the other hand, are you obsessed with secrecy? Are you unwilling to confer even though you’re confused about what to do with something someone told you? Are you closed-off and unwilling to share your struggles with people?
Conclusion
As mentioned from the start, I am fully aware that gossip is something many of us struggle with. I hope its clear the way we choose to communicate with others has lasting implications for we are viewed and even our representation of how we testify our God to others.
change slide
Final points
1. We should vigorously resist gossip in the body of Christ.
We should learn to judge our own flesh before we gossip and we should apologize when we do it. Cultivate constructive concern for the other person. Learn to ask yourself, “Why do I want to talk to others about this person’s situation?” We should also be careful to avoid passive participation when others are gossiping. Proverbs 17:4 ‘An evildoer listens to wicked lips; a liar pays attention to a destructive tongue.’
We should admonish those engaging in gossip. We shouldn’t do this with a self-righteous attitude. After all, who of us can say we have never engaged in gossip? If you discern that someone may be gossiping, you can ask, “Why are you telling me this?” or “Have you confronted them about this issue?” or “What would you like me to do with this information?” or “Is this the right venue to be talking about this?”
change slide
2. We should grow in our ability to discern between maintaining a confidence, and in knowing when secrecy is just covering up sin.
The Bible teaches that it is wrong to participate in hiding certain damaging sin. Proverbs 10:18 “Hiding hatred makes you a liar…” Does your insistence upon a “right to secrecy” come from a desire to hide your sin? Is it due to your own insecurity?
Paul believed in transperancy, but for the purpose authentic leadership. He practiced accountability, not gossip.
There is also a difference between conferring and seeking counsel while sharing information, and plastering something on your facebook page for the whole world to see. When we grow the spiritual gift of discernment, we will understand the difference.
Fortunately as we navigate these tensions between gossip and conferring or discerning between silence and maintaining confidence, we can remember we serve a God whom gives us the example and powerful words in scripture which gives us instruction and room for grace in our mishaps.
This passage in Ephesians 3 similar to James 3 stands out to as to the foundation of producing discernment and wisdom in matters of communicating.
change slide
“For this reason, I bow my knees before the Father, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”
Ephesians 3:14, 17-19
May the Love of God transform our hearts. May we vigorously resist the compulsion to Spill the Tea.
