Handling Disagreements

If you have a Bible, go ahead and grab it. We’re going to be in Acts 15:36-41 tonight. It’s a very interesting little passage that we are going to be looking at because of the topic that it addresses and that topic is how do we handle disagreements as Christians. Or you could almost say, how do we squash beef Biblically? By a show of hands, how many of you have ever had an argument with someone before? How many of you have had an argument with someone before that was so bad or so harsh that it practically destroyed your relationship with that person? When arguments like that happen, it’s hard to find a “winner”. When relationships break down, there’s hardly ever someone that truly comes out on top because the hurt doesn’t typically vanish in an instant. Disagreements cause pain and that pain is very, very real. Tonight, we are going to see a very real and very painful disagreement between the Apostle Paul and his traveling companion and close friend Barnabas. So, what we are going to attempt to accomplish tonight is how should we as Christians address disagreements, we will dissect what is happening between Paul and Barnabas, the importance of reconciliation and forgiveness, and finally how to apply reconciliation and forgiveness into our lives so we have a lot to get through in not a lot of time so let’s open up in prayer and then we will read Acts 15:36-41.

Acts 15:36–41 ESV

And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us return and visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are.” Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and departed, having been commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. And he went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.

Dissecting the Disagreement

Let’s first talk about what is going on here between Paul and Barnabas. In some ways, Luke, the author of Acts, is very clear on what and why of what is happening but he is not quite as clear on who “comes out on top” in the disagreement. Is Paul in the right or is Barnabas in the right? There’s a hint of who may be but it’s just a hint. Now if we were to have truly gone verse by verse through every verse of the book of Acts, we would probably have a better idea as to what led up to this disagreement between Paul and Barnabas but I’ll try to catch us up quickly. During Paul and Barnabas’s first missionary journey, the one that we just finished reading about before Thanksgiving, Paul and Barnabas began there trip with a young man named John Mark, or just Mark, who is Barnabas’s cousin. Not too long into their journey, Mark turns back and goes home to Jerusalem and it does seem like it is a very fast turn around. We read in verse 5 of Acts 13 that Mark was one of their companions and by verse 13 of the same chapter, he’s heading home. What happened that led Mark to abandon the work? Many commentators would say that the reason Mark headed home was because he was struck with a sudden sense of fear about what the work of the Gospel would entail. I don’t think he had a spiritual relapse, I don’t think he had a disagreement with Paul, I think that Mark was simply a young man who did not realize what he was getting into when he signed up to go with his cousin. I think what we see in Mark is what we see in a lot of baby Christians that sign up for something big, get to it, and think, “My goodness, I am totally unprepared and terrified.” I think what happens to Mark is that he sees the pushback to the Gospel and he sees what happens to Elymas the magician in Acts 13, gets spooked and wants to go home. Let’s look back at the end of Acts 15. Paul has a plan to go back to some of the churches that they helped to start and see how they are doing and Barnabas thinks that is a great idea. Barnabas wants to give Mark a second chance and take him with them but Paul is totally against that idea. Why does Barnabas want to give Mark another chance? First off, he’s family and I think that when it comes to family, most people are more willing to give family members additional chances than friends. Even more than that though is the type of personality that Barnabas has. Back when we first meet Barnabas in Acts 4, we learn that Barnabas has a very particular personality and it is that of an encourager. In fact, he is so encouraging that his nickname is Barnabas, his real name is Joseph, but the apostles call Him Barnabas which means, “Son of encouragement.” Barnabas is an encouraging individual, he’s the guy you want in your corner! His very personality, his very character points to a desire to give Mark this second chance because that’s just who Barnabas is! Now this isn’t to say that Paul is someone who doesn’t believe in second chances because who received a greater second chance than Paul? Think back to the second chance he received in Acts 9 with his own conversion! Why does Paul say no? I think that Paul recognizes that Mark still has some things he needs to work on and I think Paul may even be worried that if he takes Mark again, even greater opposition might present itself and push Mark even further away. I think that Paul is worried about being abandoned again and left to pick up the pieces. I think that in some ways Paul may not be flatly saying no but maybe saying just not right now. But Barnabas thinks that experiential learning would be what is best for his cousin and Paul disagrees. For whatever reason Paul says no, the argument becomes so heated that the men decide that it is best for them to go in opposite directions. So, who is right? Is Paul right to not take Mark or is Barnabas right to take him? Some argue that Paul was in the right because we read that he and Silas are commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord while we don’t read that about Barnabas but that does not necessarily give us 100% sure answer. Was Paul too harsh to Mark? Was he too unforgiving? Should he have given him another chance? What about Barnabas? Should Barnabas had respected the authority of Paul more? Should he have done more to make sure that Mark was ready for the trip? Who’s to say? What we can say though is that regardless of who is right or wrong, we see that this is a lesson on imperfect people.

A Lesson on Imperfect People

The Bible is full of perfect examples of imperfect people. Even a man like the Apostle Paul was not perfect. Even a great encourager like Barnabas was not perfect. There has only been one perfect person on this planet and He was the Son of God. I think we often forget that we are imperfect. We’re good at recognizing that others are imperfect but we’re really bad at recognizing that we’re individually imperfect. I think we have the tendency to often think that we are always right and everyone else is always wrong. I think that we tend to think that we just let out this scent of perfection that others dare not touch. We often forget that we are in just as much need of grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness as anyone else. I’ve told you all before that before I left to move to Georgia and before I got married, I asked my old youth pastor for what he thought would be the most important thing for me to know before I began this next step of my life and he said, “Remember, you’re not as smart as you think you are and you’re not always right.” I have carried that advice with me for about 7 years and it is just as important for me to remember today as it was back then. Understand, you are going to make mistakes. You are going to respond to things in ways that you are going to look back on and think, “Why did I respond like that?” You need to remember that just as you make mistakes, the people around you are going to make mistakes too. No one here is perfect and we are going to act like the imperfect people that we are. Sometimes consciously of that fact and sometimes unconsciously. Did Paul and Barnabas handle the situation perfectly in the moment? Probably not. Did they immediately jump to forgiveness of each other? No it doesn’t look like it. Now spoiler alert, later in the writings of Paul, we do see that he speaks very favorably of Barnabas and it seems they do mend the relationship and reconcile and we also see towards the end of Paul’s life in 2nd Timothy that Mark becomes an important part of his life and ministry. So, what does that tell us? Imperfect Christians need to seek forgiveness and reconciliation. Is it hard? Absolutely! Is it necessary? Entirely. Does it mean that it will happen in a second? No. What we see from Paul’s life is that it takes time for some wounds to heal and sometimes there are some relationships that are not as close as what they once were. What we also see is that even the greatest Christians are capable of making mistakes and we need to be aware of that. What we also see in this is the invisible hand of God orchestrating the bad to make way for the good. How so? Well by Paul and Barnabas splitting up, we now have 2 missionary teams instead of 1. We see double the ground covered on behalf of the Gospel. Whatever happens to Mark on this journey eventually will lead him to becoming a traveling companion for the Apostle Peter and will lead this very same Mark to write the Gospel of Mark. N.T. Wright said, “The God who makes human wrath to serve his praise has done it again. That doesn’t excuse sinful human wrath, of course. It simply shows once again what the gospel message itself massively demonstrates: that God can take the greatest human folly and sin and bring great good from it.” With the time we have left, let’s talk about forigveness and reconciliation. How are we as Christians supposed to squash beef? How are we to handle disagreements?

Horizontal and Vertical Reconciliation

It should be clear to us that the Bible stresses unity and reconciliation. Psalm 133:1 “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!” Charles Spurgeon said, “Christian unity is good in itself, good for ourselves, good for the brethren, good for the converts, good for the outside world; and for certain it is pleasant; for a loving heart must have pleasure and give pleasure in associating with others of like nature. A church united for years in service of the Lord is a well of goodness and joy to all those who swell around it.” The Bible is equally clear on man’s great need to forgive and be forgiven. One of Christ’s clearest lessons on forgiveness comes from Matthew 18:21-35

Matthew 18:21–35 ESV

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

If you’ve been in church long enough, you are probably familiar with this parable. Peter comes up to Jesus and he approaches Him with the mindset that he is about to wow Jesus with just how forgiving he is by saying, “Lord, should I forgive my brother as many as 7 times?” In Peter’s mind, he’s almost reaching a point of over-forgiving but Jesus says, “not even close. Try 77 times or seventy times seven times.” Either way, it is an extraordinary amount of forgiveness. He then goes on to tell him this parable of a servant who owed his master 10,000 talents which was a huge, unheard of amount of money. Just 1 talent was the equivalent of someone being incredibly rich, it would be the equivalent of 20 years worth of wages so for someone to owe ten thousand talents, that is something that would be physically impossible to pay back and that is what Jesus is trying to emphasize. This servant owes a debt that cannot be paid back. The servant begs the master for pity and what does the master do? He forgives the entire debt! Now understand how forgiveness works: whenever someone is forgiven, there is always a debt that is absorbed or some sort of payment that is made. Let’s say you come to my house and you break a priceless family heirloom, let’s say Lora’s grandfather clock that she inherited from her grandfather. If you were to come in and break it, I could require you to pay for it because you broke it. I could also say, I accept your apology but I am still going to hold you accountable and make you pay for this, which I could do. But let’s say I forgive you in the way that Christ forgives us, then I must absorb the debt of the broken clock. I either need to pay for it myself to have it repaired or I deal with the loss of the clock but either way, because I have forgiven you, the debt doesn’t fall to you. Forgivenss always requires a payment in some way, shape or form. This master in Jesus’ parable pays an unheard of payment in order to forgive this servant. Now the story could end there as this great lesson on forgiveness but Jesus continues by saying that the very servant that was forgiven goes and finds another servant that owes him 100 denarii which in comparison to what the first servant owed was fairly little, starts choking him out and demands payment. It would be the equivalent of maybe 2 or 3 months wages and this other servant says the same thing to the first servant but instead of forgiving, he has the man thrown in prison until he can pay the debt. The master hears about what this servant has done and he says to him, “You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should you not have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?” What do we see in this parable? We see the great need for horizontal and vertical forgiveness and reconciliation. It should be clear that the Master in this parable represents God and the servant represents mankind. Before we can truly embrace forgiveness and reconciliation with each other, the horizontal, we must first be made right with God, which is the vertical. You can find out a lot about the extent of one’s Christianity by their capacity to forgive. An unforgiving Christian is an oxymoron. All Christians must strive to be forgiving people. Why? Because they possessed the debt that was impossible to pay! They understand that they owed a payment that they could never in a million, billion years pay back and they understand that Christ Himself absorbed the debt that they owed on the cross and when a Christian understands the extent by which God has forgiven them, it will directly impact the way that they forgive others. You were not a car that needed a fresh coat of paint. You were someone that needed to have an impossible debt erased, someone who had to be made new from the inside out, and this was something you could never do on your own. If God was willing to forgive you and be reconciled back to you, we have no excuse to not strive with all our might to forgive and be reconciled to each other. Why is it then that we often choose to be unforgiving? Because by being unforgiving, you are telling yourself that you possess all the power. You are telling yourself that you are in some ways in the place of God, that you are in love with your own self-righteousness and you want the person that has wronged you to hurt. You want them to taste just a small portion of the pain that they caused you but here’s the thing, that doesn’t actually make you feel any better. How do we know this? Because you’re still hurting. You are still going through the pain of that process even as you lash out at them, there is no healilng whatsoever. Now I won’t say that if you forgive someone that pain will instantly go away. What I will promise you is that it will feel better than holding onto the hurt. Now you might be thinking, “Hold up, that might make sense for some minor infraction but you don’t know just how badly I’ve been hurt. I have been so greatly wronged that it is impossible for me to forgive because I have been hurt so badly.” I understand that there is a difference between someone breaking one of your toys and physically abusing you. I’m not seeking to minimize that. What I want to stress is that forgiveness often requires divine help and God is able to provide that. If God were able to love and forgive us as we crucified His Son, He is certainly able to give us the means to forgive those that have caused us some of our greatest pains. If Christ Himself was able to cry out from the cross as He was dying, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do” we certainly need to be able to cry out for our Heavenly Father’s assistance in forgiving others. What I am also saying is that just because we forgive, that does not remove the need for justice to be done. Revenge is never in our cards. Paul says in Romans 12:19 “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”” Every injustice will one day be accounted for. Your forgiveness of someone else does not excuse their behavior but it does still hold them accountable. Every sin that has ever been sinned will face judgement. You are not God and you are not in the place to judge someone else. John Murray said, “It is faith to commit ourselves to God, to cast all our care on him and to vest all our interests in him. In reference to the matter in hand, the wrongdoing of which we are the victims, the way of faith is to recognize that God is judge and to leave the execution of vengeance and retribution to him. Never may we in our private personal relations execute the vengeance which wrongdoing merits.” It is possible to forgive, it is possible to love, and to hold people accountable and trust God to put forth His justice at the same time. Tim Keller explains all of this a lot better than I can. He says, “We can forgive a person in our hearts and still insist that the person pay the penalty for criminal action. You are not handcuffed by their action. You can still forgive and keep their evil from dominating your life and memory and behavior. While reconciliation is the most desirable and healing outcome, if it is not possible to be reconciled, there is a way to keep your heart from being so damaged that you cannot grow or enjoy life.” I know that you might be thinking that forgiveness for others in your life is impossible and I don’t want to minimize your pain but I want you to try and look at forgiveness to the best of your ability through the eyes of the Lord. Look at how Christianity has inspired people to forgive those that have done some of the worst things to them. Look at someone like Corrie Ten Boom, a holocaust survivor who in spite of the pain, forgave one of the Nazi guards that was in her concentration camp. Think of someone like Joseph who was hated and sold by his brothers, imprisoned wrongfully, and instead of seeking revenge, loved his brothers, forgave them entirely, and blessed them abundantly. Finally, think of just how much Jesus has forgiven you. Think of the cost that Jesus had to absorb to forgive you and I. That was a debt that you and I were totally unable to pay but Christ took it upon Himself. How then do we respond to that? We can either go out and forgive much because we have been forgiven much or we can be like the servant that refused to be forgiving. Quickly, let’s talk about how we can apply this into our lives.

Application

I’ll mention 2 areas and then I’ll let you guys talk but here are 2 things that I think we can apply to our lives. The first is this:

Recognize that no one is perfect and pursue forgiveness as Christ has forgiven you

You will never see eye to eye with everyone. You are never going to be confronted by a perfect person and you yourself will never be perfect this side of Heaven. If you had to be perfect in order to be forgiven, it would never happen. If you had to be perfect in order to forgive you would never be able to do it. If you are holding onto forgiveness until the conditions are “right”, you will be holding onto that for a long time and healing won’t be able to begin. Those who understand the extent of Christ’s forgiveness of us will be able to better practice forgiving others. Paul writes in Colossians 2:13-14

Colossians 2:13–14 (ESV)

And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.

We were guilty. The Law had us dead to rights, we were caught red handed. Yet the debt was laid upon Christ Himself and He absorbed the debt that we owed so that we might be reconciled to God. It truly is amazing grace.

There are times where we may need to say as Christians, “enough is enough.”

Finally, there are times in our lives where we do need to say enough is enough. Paul hit that point in what we read today. It is possible to love and forgive someone and still find that it is probably best to move on and away from them. I know Paul and Barnabas loved one another and we know that a time would come when they would continue to speak fondly of each other. But there may be moments in our lives where it is best for us to just say, “enough is enough. I forgive you but I can’t continue to put myself through this until you get the help that you need.” We as Christians are capable of great patience because God Himself is patient with us but there will be a moment where God’s patience with sinners will reach a breaking point and He Himself will say, “Enough is enough.” If you are not a Christian today, do not think that you have escaped the wrath and justice of God. The fact that you are here today is evidence that God has not yet said, “Enough” and that His patience has not run out. But don’t push that limit. Turn to Christ for the forgiveness of sins while there is still time and be reconciled to Him. Let’s pray and then I want to hear some of your thoughts and try to answer some of your questions about this because I know that this can be a hard subject.