Suffering Well at Home

You don’t need examples, illustrations, news headlines, or statistics to know that it’s not easy to build a biblical, God-honoring home. And as challenging as being faithful Christians in the world at large and on the job may be, it may be even more challenging to be a faithful Christian where it matters most – at home. And that’s exactly where Peter goes to next in the middle and heard of this letter. So, let’s jump right in and see what Peter teaches us about being a faithful Christian husband or wife, even when our spouse is a nonbeliever or is not being obedient to the Word of God.

This and the next set of instructions begin with likewise (similarly or “in the same way). This connecting word does more than connect the passages together, but it links them together by a shared focus – that Christian employees, wives, and husbands should carry out both their occupational and domestic relationships “with all fear” (1 Pet 2:18).

This qualifier reminds us that we should do what Peter is about to say out of a personal and profound respect for God.

It also reminds us that we should do what Peter is about to say except for when doing so requires us to disobey God. A wife should not sin to submit to her husband and a husband should not sin to honor his wife.

A Christian wife should support the leadership of her husband.

What does it mean to submit? Submit speaks of order in social relationships, of the way various roles and positions in life relate to each other as God has designed society to work, not because some people are more important or valuable than others. We submit to police officers, for instance, for that is how God has designed society to work, not because they are more important or inherently valuable than the rest of us (Rom 13:1-9).

Consider the greatest example. Jesus Christ (who is God) submitted to the Father (who is equally the same God), not because he was inferior or less important than the Father but due to an orderly arrangement which made it possible for God to save us. If Christ resented or resisted a subordinate role, we could not be saved. His submission saved us.

To submit, a wife chooses to follow and support the decisions her husband makes for their home. She should not seek to control, dictate, or manipulate the decisions he makes. This does not mean she should not contribute to family decisions. She absolutely should contribute, but after doing so she should entrust the final decisions to her husband.

Some claim these instructions are old and obsolete, that Peter is speaking about something rooted in ancient, outdated OT tradition. Or they suggest that he is adapting to the culture of his first-century world. Others simply feel like Peter is giving antiquated, out-of-touch instructions that no longer fit in our modern world.

These are not easy or popular ideas, but when have they ever been popular? Just after Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, God recognized that wives would struggle to let their husband lead.

The influence of sin embedded in our nature encourages wives to resent their husbands’ leadership. To the woman God said, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Gen 3:16). This is a poetic way of saying that wives will struggle to respect their husbands’ leadership role and will have a strong desire to overrule his decisions.

While Peter is not merely promoting some outdated OT or 1st century custom here, he is addressing an ancient, historic problem that has pervaded since the beginning and teaching timeless, universal truth which never changes.

Wives have a challenging role.

After they express their feelings, concerns, and opinions, they must step aside to let their husbands make final decisions for their families. They also face the challenge of not just letting their husbands make final decisions, but of getting behind those decisions rather than criticizing, pushing back, and finding ways to sabotage their husband’s choices.

Perhaps this submission is not so difficult when decisions involve what restaurant to eat at, what movie to watch, or what presents to buy the kids at Christmas. Sadly, major marriage tensions erupt over minor decisions like these though they should not.

Consider the following scenarios:

A wife wants to deposit money from the refund of a joint tax return into a college savings plan for their child, but her husband wants to invest that money in a risky stock purchase instead.

A wife wants to spend Christmas Day with her side of the family, noting that she and her husband spent Thanksgiving Day with his side of the family that same year. He wants to stay at home for a low-key, private Christmas instead.

A wife wants to rent a house with a private washer and dryer and larger kitchen, but her husband wants to move into an apartment that requires a laundromat because the rent is cheaper, and the location is closer to his work.

A wife wants to stay at home and home-school the kids, but her husband wants her to find employment and would rather send the kids to a school nearby.

In each scenario, the wife could make a moderate to strong case that she is pulling for a fair, reasonable, and even better or wiser decision than her husband. You can also see how the husband may be wanting something unfair or ill-advised – though not sinful.

In all these cases, the wife should share her views, then she should submit to her husband’s final decision, not because she likes the decision and not even because she respects her husband, but because she respects and trusts the Lord above all.

Submission gets harder as the magnitude of decisions increase. The more deeply and directly a husband’s choices affect his wife’s career, finances, sense of security, and children, the harder it is for her to accept his choices and follow his lead. Yet even in the more significant choices of marriage and family life, wives should accept and support their husband’s choices.

This teaching applies to unbelieving and immature husbands.

This teaching doesn’t say, “Submit to your husband only if he’s a Christian,” or, “… if he’s an exemplary godly person,” or, “if he’s been nice to you this week,” or, “if he’s smarter than you.” This truth applies to wives whose husbands may not be saved and who may be less mature, godly, talented, intelligent, or professional than their wives. Wives should not make a husband “earn” her submission but should offer her submission out of a healthy fear of God and as a demonstration of the free and unearned grace of God.

Such relationships, in which one spouse is a believer and the other is not, are difficult to maintain, even more than working for an unbelieving employer (1 Cor 7:10-16). Similar principles would apply to a spouse who is a believer but one who is not being sensitive to the Word of God as well as the other believing spouse would like. “Even if some do not obey the word” primarily refers to not believing the gospel but it may include disobedience to the Word of God in other ways, too.

A wife should not make her husband “earn” her respect. She should support her husband’s choices and leadership whether he is an exemplary husband or not. She should submit to her husband not because he deserves respect, but because the Lord deserves respect. We submit to our husbands out of respect to Christ.

Ultimately, this instruction applies to unbelieving husbands (and unbelieving spouses in general). To be clear, a believing, unmarried person should not knowingly marry an unbelieving spouse (2 Cor 6:14).

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

But if a person has no choice (i.e., arranged marriage) or becomes a believer after marriage (which may be the very scenario Peter is most focused on in 1 Pet 3:1-7), then the believing spouse should not file for a divorce on the grounds of religious differences but should rather be as good and supportive of a spouse as possible to the nonbelieving partner. If the unbelieving spouse chooses to divorce on the grounds of religious differences, though, then the unbelieving spouse should be free from guilty feelings and is free before God to remarry a believing spouse if God allows.

Your submission may influence your husband for Christ.

Why is submission important even in marriages to nonbelievers? For such submission may persuade your husband to believe on and become more obedient to Christ.

“May be won by the conduct of their wives” gives a major reason for why a believing wife should support the leadership of her unbelieving husband. By doing so, that wife might gain another follower for Christ if her husband is persuaded of the truth of the gospel through the way his wife lives before him.

A Christian wife should exhibit a clean, innocent lifestyle. Her behavior should be morally pure and wholesome, and her attitude should exhibit a sincere respect for God (“accompanied by fear”).

“Do not let your adornment be merely outward – arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel.” Translating this statement without adding additional English words reads, “Do not let your adornment (or appearance) be outward – arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on apparel.” So, does Peter mean to say that Christian wives should not arrange their hair or wear gold jewelry? Some churches teach women not to do so. But if that’s how we’re supposed to understand this, then should Christian wives also stop “putting on apparel?” This would be a preposterous conclusion, entirely incompatible with their responsibility to exhibit “chaste conduct” (1 Pet 3:2).

Peter is not forbidding Christian wives from arranging their hair or wearing jewelry any more than he forbids them from putting on clothes. Instead, he first assumes that they will do these things. More importantly, he teaches them to do more than these things – to give just as much attention, if not more, to cultivating a Christlike attitude, demeanor, and spirit that comes from within. In other words, he is teaching them to give serious attention to being like Christ, not just looking nice on the outside – for unbelieving and disobedient husbands need more than an attractive wife to persuade them to believe on Christ; they need an example of a Christlike person.

Peter explains that such a wife will have a gentle and quiet spirit:

Gentle refers to being “considerate, humble, and meek,” which is the opposite of being self-centered, proud, and rude.

Quiet refers who is not loud, noisy, or obnoxious but is organized and peaceful.

According to Peter, these qualities are not only valued highly by God but are valued by him very highly. This kind of wife contrasts dramatically with the kind of wife whom we are warned against in the book of Proverbs.

Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman. (Prov 21:9)

Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman. (Prov 21:19)

It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman. (Prov 25:24)

With this OT background in mind, we should realize that for an unbelieving husband to have any hope of coming to Christ or for a disobedient husband to be encouraged to obey God’s Word more faithfully, his believing wife should interact with him in a gentle and peaceful manner, not an argumentative or nagging manner.

Peter goes on to illustrate what he means by giving a real-life, OT example – Sarah, Abraham’s wife. In her case, we know that her husband was a genuine believer who followed God by faith, yet Peter uses her submission to her husband as a timeless example for all Christian wives to follow today, whether their husbands are believers or faithful Christians or not.

With this illustration, he is specifically referring to the time when Sarah overheard a messenger from God tell Abraham that she would give birth to a son, even though she was approaching 90 yrs. old. When she heard this announcement, she laughed spontaneously saying to herself, “After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?” (Gen 18:11-12).

In this moment of spontaneous remarks, we hear how Sarah referred to her husband – she called him “my lord.” This was more than a title, it was how she viewed her husband and responded towards his leadership in their home. Interestingly enough, Peter uses both the word submit and obey to describe her response to her husband’s decisions in their home. This does not mean that wives should obey their husbands the same way that children obey their parents, but it does mean that wives should definitely get behind their husband’s decisions at the end of whatever discussions occur beforehand, and they should demonstrate an attitude and demeanor of respect and support for their husband’s choices, too – even if they think their decisions are laughable!

Peter then tells us that any Christian wives today who give their husbands the same sort of respect and support are just like Sarah. “Whose daughters you are” means that such wives share this same commendable trait and testimony with Sarah, like a daughter resembles her mother or grandmother in commendable traits.

He further qualifies this description with “if you do good and are not afraid with any terror,” encouraging wives to do more than just “call” their husband lord. Submission is more than just using the right names and titles for someone – more than just doing what is socially polite and proper. It is genuinely behaving well towards them and then trusting God with the outcome.

“Not afraid with any terror” reminds wives not to refrain from doing good or doing right in those moments when an unbelieving or disobedient husband was wanting his wife to do something which violated God’s Word. In those cases, a wife should politely disobey and not be afraid of what might happen as a result.

Like a young child who’s afraid to jump into the pool when his father says, “I’ll catch you,” it can be scary to support the leadership of a man who either (a) is not a believer or (b) is a believer who is not following closely to God’s Word. It can also be scary to disobey such a husband’s leadership when he requires clear disobedience to God’s Word, no matter how gentle and peaceful you may be in doing so.

In either case, do “not be afraid with any terror,” and God will honor your decision, and you may even influence your spouse to turn to Christ.

A Christian husband should support the needs of his wife.

Recognizing the vulnerable position that wives can be in, Peter encourages Christian husbands not to take advantage of their leadership role in the home. Taking advantage of your wife occurs when you:

abuse her physically (probably Peter’s primary focus here)

abandon spending time with her (a secondary focus here)

violate your moral commitment to her

neglect her personal needs

speak to her degradingly

ignore her feedback and perspectives

Once again, likewise here reminds husbands to behave themselves towards their wives – whether the wife is unbelieving or not – in a way that respects God’s authority and presence in their lives. As leaders of the home and family unit, husbands are not free to “do as they please,” to lead their homes in a careless, self-centered way. They must their lead their home as God desires them to lead, in submission to the Word of God.

“Dwell with them with understanding” may also be translated as “with knowledge.” It means to lead with your eyes and ears wide open so that you are fully aware of your wife’s needs and situation.

Consider this from a political standpoint. Which government official leads best, the one who spends all of his or her time in the office or the one who spends time with the people, observing their community, fielding their feedback, and building closer relationships?

In the same way, the husband leads best who pays close attention to everything he can know about his wife so that he can incorporate that knowledge into the decisions he makes for their family. It’s not easy to be a wife, to trust your husband to lead the home in a God-fearing way.

“Giving honor to the wife” refers to treating your wife as though she is very, very valuable to you and not as someone who is an inconvenience to you, unimportant, or even worse – an enemy.

Peter highlights two ways that a husband should put this “honor” into practice, listing each reason with as.

“As to the weaker vessel” has been frequently misunderstood. This does not teach that women are weaker than men either emotionally, intellectually, morally, or spiritually. A strong case can be made from Scripture and otherwise that women can be just as strong if not stronger in all of these areas.

“Weaker” here refers specifically to a physical disadvantage, for it is a universal reality that with statistically few exceptions, women are physically and physiologically weaker than men. Husbands should never take advantage of this weakness to abuse or threaten to abuse their wife. They should also do whatever they can to defend, protect, and support their wife’s need to feel safe and secure.

This teaching applies to unbelieving and immature wives.

Despite a wife’s physical and physiological disadvantage, “as heirs together of the grace of life” encourages husbands to treat their wives not as inferior team players but as equal partners accomplishing God’s plan together. The way that Peter says this indicates that this truth applies equally to both believing and unbelieving wives. A Christian husband should not care for and show respect to his wife as an equal partner only if she is a believer but whether or not she is a believer.

While a Christian husband should never disobey God’s Word to please his wife, he should care for her and consider her input carefully in all other ways. In this way, she should not feel threatened by his faith in Christ.

To these instructions, Peter attaches a sobering warning: “that your prayers be not hindered.” Commentator and pastor, Thomas Schreiner, says this about this warning:

Husbands who ignore such a command will find that their prayers are hindered, which means that God will refuse to answer their prayers. God does not bless with his favor those who are in positions of authority and abuse those who are under them by mistreating them.

More than anyone else, we should love and respect to others – especially at home.

Here is a key takeaway we can draw from this study of marriage, esp. when one spouse converts to following Christ though the other spouse does not – at least not initially. God expects followers of Christ to treat those who disagree with them with genuine love and respect, even though we are not treated this way ourselves. Even if that person who disagrees with us is a husband or wife, we should still treat them with utmost love and respect – even if our unbelieving spouse makes our life difficult.

Paul teaches the same mindset and approach (Rom 12:17-21):

Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

May God enable us to set aside our personal, natural impulses and the advice and input of a secular, godless world to be the kind of selfless, obedient wives and husbands who fear God and let his grace flow through our lives towards our spouses. For those who are married to unbelieving spouses, may God enable you to be a bridge to their own future faith in Christ. And for those who’s spouse may simply be less faithful or obedient to God’s Word than they should, may we love them with the undeserved, undying love of Christ that they may be drawn closer to him.

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