Overcoming Shame

ME: Intro - Cracked Pot

I heard this story at a biblical counseling conference this year that specifically relates to this topic of Overcoming Shame.

It starts with a water bearer who had to walk to a well every day to fetch water for the castle.

The water bearer would carry two large pots,

One on each end of a pole he carried across his shoulders.

One pot was perfect,

The other pot however, was cracked,

Causing it to leak along the path from the well to the castle.

By the time the water bearer reached the castle,

The cracked pot would be half empty.

After years of failing to deliver as much water as the perfect pot,

The cracked pot tried to hide from the water bearer.

When the water bearer called out for the pot,

The cracked pot just said,

“I am so sorry, I am so ashamed, I can only deliver half a pot of water,

While the other pot is perfect,

Just leave me here and use a different pot.”

Think about the words of this cracked pot for a moment.

This is what shame does to us.

This is what shame has done since sin came into the world.

We see this outlined in the Bible.

Slide

Shame Came (Gen. 3:1-10)

A Promise Came (Isaiah 54:1-8)

Jesus Came (Matt.1:18-21)

Overcome Shame (1 John 1:9)

Christ came so we can overcome shame to become His bride.

WE: (Gen. 3:1-10)

Genesis 3:1-10 is the account of when sin came into the world.

And when sin came,

Shame came with it.

Bible students enjoy arguing about the question of what is the essence of sin.

In other words,

If you were to peel back every layer of sin and get to the innermost core,

What would be there?

Some say it is pride,

Others say it is selfishness,

Another possibility is idolatry,

And one of the options is shame.

Slide

Now my goal is not to add to the argument because the Bible is not clear about this.

Rather, I want to present a 10,000 foot overview of a theology of shame through the whole Bible.

Because when we talk about the essence of sin,

We see shame is present the moment sin enters the world,

Then shame begins to work like a fertilizer for sin.

So, look at Genesis 3:1-10 with me,

Genesis 3:1–10 ESV

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’ ” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.”

Before this happened,

Gen. 2:25 makes the point that both Adam and Eve were naked and were not ashamed.

Slide

But now in vs. 7,

The exact moment Adam and Eve ate the fruit,

The moment they listened to Satan and disobeyed God,

The moment sin entered into the world,

Their eyes were opened,

And they went from naked and not ashamed,

To feeling shame came upon them suddenly,

And covering themselves with fig leaves.

Because of their sin,

They felt shame.

Shame is a deeply painful emotion.

It is soul crushing.

Shame has many faces.

It seems to be everywhere,

Yet still elusive.

It always causes a downcast posture,

Head sunk down,

Eyes pointed at the floor,

Shoulders sinking low.

Shame is an enemy.

It can start as a fear of judgment,

But quickly grows into a full-blown attack.

Shame will hurl insults at you,

Telling you that you are not good enough,

Not worthy,

And filthy.

It can truly feel like a wave of enemies coming at you,

Pushing you down.

So, there are two key elements of shame I would like to highlight.

First, shame involves standards.

We feel shame when we do something bad.

Adam and Eve felt shame after they violated God’s command to not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

They fell short of God’s standard.

Like Adam and Eve,

We feel shame when we fail to meet certain standards.

Which might seem like a good thing, right?

If we feel shame when we fail to meet standards,

It would seem that shame would then keep us from falling short of those standards.

However, there are two problems with this.

The first problem is that God’s commands are not the only standards we set.

Expectations from ourselves and others and culture become standards.

Then we use these standards to evaluate our worth.

So, when we inevitably fall short,

We feel shame.

But the second problem relates to what Adam and Eve did once they felt shame.

Look at was vs. 8 says,

They hid from God because of their shame.

This human tendency to hide ourselves from God and others has been passed down from Adam and Eve,

All the way to us.

Slide

Because we allow shame to become entangled with our identity.

In other words,

We connect what happens with who we are.

To put it simply,

We say, I did bad so I am bad.

Or I did not help, so I am worthless.

But because the second element of shame I would like to highlight is that shame involves other people,

We will also say things like,

She rejected me, so I am nothing.

Or he did not pick me for his team, so I am a loser.

Slide

In light of these two elements of shame,

I would like to give you some questions to ask yourself:

Whose opinions have really mattered to you in the past?

Whose approval do you seek?

Whose disapproval do you fear?

In what areas are you tempted to strive to prove yourself?

What standards do you fail to meet?

I encourage you to jot these questions down and answer with specifics.

God knows the particular people and standards that have made you internalize your shame,

So, that you cane hear shame speaking to you in your own voice.

Telling you that you are defective, damaged, broken, flawed, dirty, ugly, disgusting, unlovable, weak, pitiful, insignificant, worthless, unwanted.

But the Bible makes clear that whatever your specific insecurities are,

God’s mercies meet you there.

Because He speaks to you too.

He calls out to you by name,

Like He did with Adam and Eve in the garden.

And He promises to help,

As He did for Adam and Eve after they came out of hiding.

He invites you into fellowship with Him.

As He did with Adam and Eve even though they felt ashamed.

So, we see ourselves in Adam and Eve.

We too conceal, cover up, and pretend about the parts of our lives that make us feel ashamed.

A student schemes up ways to hide bad grades from mom and dad,

Dreading their disappointment.

A victim of abuse avoids disclosing her past to her friends,

Afraid they will reject her because of her baggage.

A man has bottled up his emotions since he was a child,

Because he was taught real men don’t cry or else he will look weak.

A family shows up to church and on their social media page smiling like everything is okay,

When behind closed doors their lives are falling apart.

Many of us pretend we are more okay than we are.

We present to others what we want them to see.

Because we fear that people will discover the ugly and unlovable parts of us,

Then reject us.

So, we would rather just struggle alone,

Than run the risk of confession, disclosure, and honesty.

But also, we are vulnerable to perfectionism.

We hear our shame in our heads loud and clear.

So, we attempt to silence that shame by eliminating all errors.

But then, we find it difficult to admit our errors.

Because we think admitting our errors will just make that voice of shame louder.

For example,

Perhaps you are hosting for Christmas and you want everything to go just right.

Family and friends come and they have a wonderful time.

Sadly, you are miserable for their entire visit,

And no one notices how disengaged you are,

Because all you can think about is how certain details weren’t happening the way you planned.

As a result, we are critical of ourselves,

Which, in turn, makes us critical of others.

Shame points out our own faults,

And we judge ourselves accordingly.

Then, as we begin seeing these same faults in others.

We take out the hurt caused by our shame on those people.

As if they are the ones accusing us.

So, we become judgmental of others to combat against our internal voice of shame.

For example,

You are excited to see your kids and grand kids for Christmas.

But as you spend time with them,

You begin to notice how your kids parent their kids just like you parented them.

Unbeknownst to them,

You carry this sense of shame about the way you parented them.

So, you begin criticizing them the entire time they are there for Christmas.

And eventually shame can cause us to succumb to self-defeating thoughts.

We accept what shame speaks to us because it becomes a form of protection or escape from the shame.

We always think about the worst possible outcomes of circumstances,

Then we sabotage opportunities,

And sometimes even relationships,

Thinking it will alleviate the pervasiveness of shame,

Or at the very least, give you a sense of escape.

For example,

A family member expects Christmas is going to be miserable,

So, they just keep drinking and drinking and drinking to disengage from reality.

Resulting in Christmas being miserable,

Just as they feared.

Slide

Shame complicates and erodes relationships,

Most importantly, our relationship with God.

That is what we see with Adam in vs. 10,

Where he tells God,

“I heard you walking, so I hid. I was afraid.”

Timothy Keller writes about this,

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved…is what we need more than anything.”

That is what Adam’s fear was.

His shame led him to believe that God would find out he was naked and not love him.

So, he hid.

And we do the same thing with human relationships.

Yes, they are hard,

And messy.

Relationships are often marked by anxiety.

So, we are drawn to these comforting but superficial relationships Keller writes about.

But Scripture says there is a richer possibility,

Vulnerability and intimacy can feel safe and life-giving again.

We can find a way out of hiding,

We can taste the joy of being fully known and truly loved.

We can have our head lifted up,

And we can overcome shame.

Because God covers our shame.

So, that when we sin,

We do not have to remain ashamed,

Rather, we are convicted.

And that conviction stirs is a glorious movement from darkness to light,

From isolation to community,

From secrecy to freedom,

From hiding to new life.

This richer possibility is both heroic and admirable.

It is a glimpse into what God intends our relationships to be.

GOD: (Isaiah 54:1-8)

Therefore, in Isaiah 54:1-8,

A Promise Came from God.

Slide

The entire chapter is essentially a lengthy poetic prophecy about a Savior who brings this intention to fruition.

The chapter begins with a command to sing,

A command to rejoice,

Which is a theme all throughout Isaiah.

To sing in response to God’s deliverance,

To rejoice over the majesty of the Lord.

Because it is a song for the day of salvation,

Where the dead shall come to life and sing for joy!

Isaiah 49:13 says it this way,

Isaiah 49:13 ESV

Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth; break forth, O mountains, into singing! For the Lord has comforted his people and will have compassion on his afflicted.

That is who God is addressing here in ch. 54.

The afflicted, the barren one who did not bear,

The children of the desolate one, it says.

To be barren was thought to be a severe punishment.

Often, a second wife would be taken to replace a childless woman.

As she got older,

She would have no sons to care for her,

Making her extremely vulnerable.

Therefore, barrenness was frequently used as a picture of loneliness and helplessness.

Here in Isaiah,

God’s people are the barren one.

They had been exiled,

They felt forsaken by God,

They were not experiencing His blessing.

And yet,

God says that these desolate ones,

Will be more than the children of her who is married.

What is God saying?

In Galatians 4:26-27, this promise is quoted,

Describing the Jerusalem above as the mother of God’s people.

So, because Jerusalem represents where God dwells,

Galatians is explaining how this prophecy was accomplished in Christ,

Therefore, the true Jerusalem is where Christ is, heaven.

Slide

The apostle John describes heaven this way in Revelation 21:2:

Revelation 21:2 ESV

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

Notice the marital language Revelation uses.

All the way back,

While God’s people were exiled,

He promised through Isaiah,

That even though we are barren because of our sins.

Our sadness will turn to joy.

Because through a Savior we will dwell with God, our Groom, in heaven.

And that is why we are told to sing for joy!

Slide

God continues to deepen the promise in vs. 2-3,

Telling His people to enlarge their tents and strengthen their stakes.

Don’t hold back, He says.

The tent is talking about the family,

So, God is telling them to enlarge the tent because the family is going to multiply.

God already said in Isaiah 26:15 that His people will increase.

God’s family will be teeming with inhabitants.

So, we will need a bigger tent.

As the generations have gone on since this promise,

The family of God has grown

And today, we, the family of God, are still actively growing through the church.

Slide

But vs. 4 is really the climax of this promise.

Which begins with God commanding his people to not be afraid.

Why?

Because, God says, we will not be ashamed,

We will not be disgraced,

We will forget the shame of our youth.

What is God talking about?

God’s people were living in shame.

That was their identity.

Remember, these are people who were in slavery for over 400 years.

They thought they were nothing but a slave,

That they were worthless.

Yet, God delivered them from slavery.

So, although they were outwardly free,

They were still inwardly slaves.

Specifically, slaves to shame.

So, even though they were out of slavery,

Slavery was not out of them.

And because of that, they had been unfaithful to God,

So, they had been exiled to be oppressed by Assyria.

Reinforcing their identity of being ashamed.

As Jeremiah 31:19 says, the people had turned away,

Resulting in them being ashamed.

But now in Isaiah,

God is promising that His people will forget this shame,

Adding that the disgrace of their widowhood will be remembered no more.

Widowhood was even more dangerously vulnerable than being barren.

Earlier, we saw how Revelation calls God’s people the bride of Christ.

But by talking about widowhood here,

God is saying His people are like widows without a groom because of sin.

But God is promising that we will overcome the shame of our widowhood.

To the point that we will no longer remember what it is like to be without Him.

Because God will marry us!

We will be His bride!

And we will go from nothing to everything!

Slide

Look at how our Groom is described in vs. 5,

Our Maker is our husband,

The Holy One of Israel is our Redeemer.

That is what Isaiah is about,

A promised Redeemer.

That is why we sing for joy!

But a redeemer also has a specific cultural implication.

The redeemer in Hebrew culture was the protector of the family,

The avenger of his family,

The one who bought back family members who became slaves.

For example, the OT story of Ruth,

As a widow,

She encountered a relative of her deceased husband named Boaz.

And her mother-in-law says that Boaz is Ruth’s redeemer.

Because he is the one to redeem Ruth from her widowhood by marrying her.

Likewise, Isaiah has already talked about the disgrace of our widowhood,

Now it is saying that God will redeem us out of our widowhood,

Out of our shame.

But He redeems us out of even more.

Slide

In Isaiah 44:22, God says,

Isaiah 44:22 ESV

I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you.

Our Redeemer forgives all our sins,

Heals all our diseases,

Rescues us from hell,

Crowns us with steadfast love and mercy,

And satisfies us with His goodness.

God does not give up on His people.

We are redeemed by Him,

Overcoming shame,

To become His bride.

Slide

But vs. 6-8 explain that God had deserted His people for a moment.

His people were like a deserted wife,

Grieved in spirit,

And rejected.

They had cried out that the Lord has forsaken us.

Because of His overflowing anger toward sin,

He hid His face from them.

But God’s anger is just for a brief moment.

And after that moment ends,

He shows His abundant compassion toward His people forever.

God takes His bride back with everlasting covenantal love.

Slide 2X

Shame, however, wants you to believe you are still forsaken.

Shame keeps you believing you are something that God says you are not.

Every day you will battle shame based thinking in your identity.

When you feel disappointed,

It will reinforce that shame.

But God’s promise in Isaiah points to the only way we can heal from shame.

And that is to move the focus from what I’m not to who Christ is.

YOU: (Matt. 1:18-21)

And that is why Jesus Came in Matt. 1:18-21.

God promised forgiveness toward us by redeeming us,

To overcome shame,

And become His bride.

The fulfillment of this promise is the Redeemer,

Jesus Christ,

Whose father was told that He will save His people from their sins.

Slide

But look at how shame tried to interfere,

Even with the birth of Jesus.

Matthew 1:18–21 ESV

Now the birth of Jesus Christ took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly. But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.”

Shame tries to get us to operate in the shadows.

It produces fear which produces hiding.

That is what happened with Joseph when he found out Mary was pregnant.

Shame made him want to secretly divorce her,

But the angel told him not to fear taking her as his wife.

The same process we saw with Adam and Eve.

They were ashamed,

They heard God,

They were afraid,

So, they hid.

But even with His birth,

Notice how Jesus overcomes shame.

This is only the beginning.

The gospels are filled with examples of Jesus overcoming shame in the lives of individuals,

Especially with outcasts.

Jesus became known as the friend of tax collectors and sinners.

He pursued the shameful of society.

He was genuinely friends with the bad people, the handicapped, and the abused of society.

He sought them out,

And He was happy to be their friend.

Slide

Think specifically for a moment on one example of a leper in Matt. 8.

Jesus had this huge crowd around Him,

When this leper kneels before Him and says,

“Lord, if you will, you can make me clean.”

Jesus doesn’t just heal the man,

It says, Jesus reaches out and touches him, saying,

“I will; be clean.”

The shame of this man’s leprosy left him feeling utterly worthless and rejected.

If you know the feeling of shame,

Then this story is deeply personal to you.

By reaching out to touch the man,

Jesus made Himself unclean,

As He retroactively healed the man of what happened to him that caused him to feel shame.

So, let this leper’s story lead you.

He refers to Jesus as his Lord,

And he had faith that Jesus could heal him.

When you feel shame,

Are you able to say like him,

“Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean”?

It seems easy enough to say,

But it is not.

It takes the Spirit of God to have the power to say something like this.

So, if you can not say it and mean it,

Ask God for the help to say it.

Jesus Came so you can overcome shame.

Do you believe that Jesus tells you,

“I am willing, be clean”?

If not,

It is because you are giving more authority to your shame than you are to Jesus.

You are essentially saying that Jesus is not telling the truth.

So, trust in Him.

Jesus also touched the eyes of a blind man,

Healed Peter’s sick mother-in-law,

And accepted worship from a disgraced woman.

In every case,

He forgave sins,

And overcame their shame.

Faith is our response to Jesus.

He has made the first move toward us in grace.

But when He moves toward us,

We must respond.

We must confess that He is the Lord,

And that we trust in Him.

This is the application of the gospel.

Slide

Because Jesus gives holiness, cleansing, healing, and forgiveness to the unclean.

While the unclean give Jesus our sin, shame, contamination, and disease.

This is the gospel.

This unbalanced transaction overcomes our shame,

Replacing it with Christ’s holiness.

Jesus takes our sin and shame,

And He gives us His righteousness.

And faith means we trust in this transaction.

We trust in the hope of Christ alone.

We trust that rescue, healing, covering, acceptance, and cleansing are possible ithroughn Christ alone.

So, faith is simply confessing,

“Jesus, I need you.”

And this may sound easy,

But your faith is evidence of God’s supernatural power at work.

Without it, we instinctively turn inward,

Rather than trusting in Christ.

This self-protective act is what the Bible calls unbelief.

And that is where shame lives.

That is why it tells you to hide,

Wanting you to believe that you do not deserve this good thing,

And if you accept it,

You will contaminate it for everyone else.

But the gospels show us that is not the case with Jesus.

He came close,

And He filled ashamed people with hope.

They no longer stayed hidden because of their shame,

They went to Jesus.

And when focused on Him,

They trusted that their salvation had come.

So, join them.

Slide

This is the only way to heal from shame,

To move the focus from what you’re not to who Christ is.

Yes, you confess what you are not,

But you do not keep the focus there.

As long as you stay focused on you,

You will never be enough.

But because of Christ,

You no longer keep those identities shame places on you.

You are no longer bad,

Because of Christ you are forgiven.

You are no longer sick,

Because of Christ you are healed.

You are no longer broken,

Because of Christ you are new.

You are no longer disgusting,

Because of Christ you are loved.

Because Jesus came as a baby.

You have no more shame.

You are no longer who shame says you are.

You are not your past,

You are not what you did,

You are not what someone did to you,

You are not what others think you are,

You are not even who you think you are.

You are who Christ says you are:

Free, forgiven, changed, redeemed, healed, blessed, chosen, complete, accepted.

If you trust in Christ,

You are a child of God,

The bride of Christ.

Therefore, there is no condemnation for you who are in Christ.

No matter what shame says to you.

Slide

God has given you what you need to Overcome Shame.

WE: (1 John 1:9)

But shame will not give up without a fight.

For some, it is simply a mildly distressing and annoying voice,

Distracting us while hiding just beneath the surface.

For others, it feels entrenched, persistent, and loud.

It is an oppressive, accusatory companion that just gnaws away at your identity.

Regardless of how loud the voice of shame is for you,

The reality is that shame remains one of the most common human struggles.

If you are quiet for long enough,

You will hear a voice in your mind,

Accusing you in a similar way.

Because shame clamors to have an influence.

But as we have seen in the Bible,

Jesus goes out of His way to meet, touch, bless, and redeem the shamed.

This is what Hebrews 12:24 says as well,

Jesus’ blood speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.

The blood of Abel refers back to Gen. 4.

Shortly after sin and shame entered the world through Adam and Eve,

Their son Cain, murdered his brother Abel.

And when he did,

God said to Cain that the voice of Abel’s blood is crying out to Him from the ground.

This means, the word of Abel’s blood reminds Cain of his sin,

It speaks words of condemnation.

But Hebrews says the blood of Christ speaks a much better word.

Slide

It says in 1 John 1:9,

1 John 1:9 ESV

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Christ’s blood speaks a word of grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

He tells us that we are a beloved and treasured member of God’s family.

Not only is His Word better,

It is the final Word!

Shame does not get the last word.

No matter how loud shame is,

The voice of Christ’s blood is there too,

Speaking a better word,

About how God delights in you,

Forgives you of your sins,

And overcomes your shame so you can be His bride.

But it can be hard to hear His voice,

Because the voice of shame feels so much more familiar.

We do not have to pretend the loud, pounding, accusatory voice of shame is not there.

But the goal is to make room for the One Who speaks a better word.

So, tune your ears to Christ’s voice.

He says,

“Do not be afraid,

I am with you,

You are cherished,

You are loved,

You are worth dying for,

You are forgiven,

You are redeemed,

You are Mine.”

Over time, these better words will become more familiar.

The accusations and lies are unlikely to die quickly.

But Jesus Christ redeems, restores, reorders, and heals in mysterious and unpredictable ways.

Slide

That is why He came.

So, we can overcome shame to become His bride.

I want to close by going back to that story about the water bearer.

After the cracked pot apologized for only being able to carry half a pot of water.

The water bearer paused for a moment,

Then told the cracked pot to notice the edge of the path on the side I carry you to the castle.

As they walked,

The cracked pot noticed vibrant flowers along the path,

It was delighted by their beauty.

But once they arrived at the castle,

And it could only provide half a pot of water again,

Shame crept in and the pot apologized to the water bearer once again.

This time,

The water bearer asked the cracked pot,

“Did you notice the flowers along the path?”

The water bearer continued before the pot could answer.

“I have always known about your cracks.

So, I decided to plant flower seeds on your side of the path.

Every day I walk back from the well,

You have watered these flowers.

And thanks to you,

I am able to pick the most beautiful flowers to adorn the castle for everyone to enjoy.”

Our cracks and our shame,

Tell us to say,

“I am sorry for even existing,

You are better off without me,

Just throw me away.”

Perhaps you can relate to the cracked pot.

Wishing to be more like all the other perfect pots that don’t have cracks,

Trying to duct tape the cracks to lessen the leaking.

But no matter how hard we try,

We cannot become the perfect pot.

So, we withdraw and hide.

Hoping not to be seen.

Meanwhile, God knew what He was doing,

He is using our cracks to water the flowers.

He uses us and our brokenness for His good.

So, take courage to overcome shame,

Become His bride,

Allow God to use you,

Even when it seems easier to disqualify yourself and hide.

Because our overview of shame has shown us,

That there is a redemptive trajectory to our shame.

So, give up trying to be the perfect pot,

Come out of hiding,

Confess your cracks and shame,

And focus on the God who knows them all,

Loves you and uses you for good.

God can water the flowers that He has planted on your side of the path.

There are people you are uniquely qualified to love and bless,

People who will come to know and experience the mercies of Christ through you,

A ministry God has especially enabled and gifted you to do.

There is a beautiful redemption God longs to accomplish in and through you,

His bride.

So, there are waters to be flowered,

And I invite you to please water the flowers.

Pray.