Snowblast Workshop
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5 Signs you are with the wrong person
5 Signs you are with the wrong person
Have you ever had a relationship end pretty crappy and you think to your self I wish I would have known that was a warning sign about that person.
Man I regret dating that person because they were just not the right person for me.
Or they might be hot but they are crazy— and I wish I would have known before I dated them.
I am sure we all have asked that question before and we may have even seen red flag and acted on them or we have ignored them.
Heres the deal most of you in the room will get married.
and to be truthful many of those marriages that will not make it.
I don’t say that to scare you but to give you a greater context to this workshop.
Because who you date matters.
Who you marry matters.
And there are countless stories I have heard that one of the spouses will say— if only I knew this sooner— I probably wouldn’t have married this person.
If I knew the warning signs I wouldn’t have said yes, or I wouldn’t have asked them to marry me.
This is the reality that we are faced with today because what 50% plus or minus 5 to 10%— of married couples with get divorced.
And when we look back— because hid sight is 20/20 we see all the warning signs but we just failed to act.
We failed to act because again to be honest we want to be loved.
We all have this desire to be known and loved by someone.
So when someone does this— because we can agree that someone can make you feel like you are loved but also make you feel like total garbage at the same time.
And that would be a warning sign that we aren’t with the right person but we begin to testify the relationship.
We believe that we can be the change they need.
So we hold on and we hope they will change.
Our heart will scream— This is love and we can make this work.
While our small tiny voice in our mind is going— Yo listen up— pay attention fam— they are not good for you.
So we want to challenge our thinking today.
In Proverbs 27:12
Proverbs 27:12 (ESV)
The prudent sees danger and hides himself,
but the simple go on and suffer for it.
I want to challenge everyone when you begin to date or when you are in a dating relationship.
I want you to be sensible.
I want you to be a prudent person.
Prudent means that you are thinking about the future.
Why?
Because if you are dating with your mind you will see danger and get out.
You will see red flags and you will bounce.
What I would love for you to avoid is to be is that we date simply to date.
That we are simple minded.
We just don’t real care or we are so infatuated with our dating mate that we fail to see some red flags in our relationship.
If we go in without a plan or we think with our hearts over our minds we can run into a lot of heartache.
I never want anyone in this room to get hurt in a relationship.
I know you will but if there is anyone I can help you avoid that I would 100% take it for you.
But we before we go any further.
I have a confession to make.
Before we decided to only have four workshops over the span of two days.
Having two today and two tomorrow— I was going to call this workshop 5 signs you are with the right person.
But know that they are all going to be heard by everyone— I changed it to the OG title.
5 Signs you are with the wrong person.
Because if you were left with a choice and you were dating somebody— I don’t know if you would come to my workshops.
Right.
Or could you imagine if one person of the couple came but the other one didn’t?
Oh snap.
But this morning we are going to be talking about the 5 signs or the 5 warning signs you are with the wrong person.
I believe this is critical in who we date and how we can come to terms with maybe being with someone who has these warning signs.
These warning signs have no body in mind.
I actually got them from Craig Groeschel— pastor at Life church.
Q— But before we begin on the 5 warning signs you should be on the look out for— can you give me some red flags or warning signs that you look out for currently?
Allow time to come up with Red Flags:
You all had some good ones.
So lets dive into the 5 red flags that we are dating the wrong person.
1. When they’re not consistently pursuing Jesus.
My hope is that when you being to have conversations with someone you are interested in dating that you ask or you know that they are following Jesus.
If you are a believer this should be important to you.
This needs to be important to you.
If Jesus is important in your life— then that needs to be an exception to everyone that you may even think about dating.
People will talk about what they value.
If you are talking with them and Jesus is never brought up— it is safe to assume that Jesus is not important to them.
Why does this matter?
Because believe it or not spiritual beliefs determine values.
How will you Parent?
What about Money?
Will we have Debt?
Will be put stock into Things matter?
Will be give to the chruch?
Will we even go to Church?
Will we Serve?
What should we consume Shows? Music?
Who should be in our lives? Friends?
Are we going to be going to Parties?
How do we behalf at said parties?
What is our priorities?
How will you treat people?
Is Divorce am option?
What happens when Temptation come up?
What will you Stand for?
How do you explain the Purpose of life to each other?
Being on the same page about your faith as in having a shared faith.
A genuine believer not someone who says they are but their life is not a refection of the Gospel.
A true genuine believer.
Paul gives us a warning sign about this.
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?
That answer to all of those are nothing.
There is this contrast.
And I know what you may be thinking.
But Zach aren’t I suppose to be a light to a non-believing world?
Like what if they come to know Jesus because of me?
What if they change?
That would be awesome if they came to know Jesus, but you need to do that from a friend stand point only.
When you try to add missionary dating to the mix with an unbeliever you are trying to have your cake and eat it too.
You are compromising and we when compromise our standards we lose every time.
I love what Craig Groeschel says, he states; “Don’t give then your heart if God doesn’t have theirs.”
I don’t care how hot they are— its is not worth it.
I don’t care how much money they make— its not worth it.
You may feel like God is limiting you but that is the furthest from the truth.
God loves you and we wants what is best for you.
I know that seems blunt but this is what it looks like to date with prudence.
5 sign you are dating the wrong person, number one is When they’re not consistently pursuing Jesus.
And number 2
2. When those you love don’t love who you’re dating.
This is a really big deal.
Who you date matters and the opinons of your friends and family matter.
And when I say friends I mean that ones who have been with you through think and thin.
The ones that have you seen you ugly cry— those ride or die friends.
If they do not love who you bring home.
They have to go.
If those who you trust— say hey, I don’t like them with you.
Or they could say— I don’t like who you are when you are with them.
If the people you love start to question the person you are dating— this is a warning sign.
You could be thinking— well my friends want me to fail anyway so they could be telling me that to just hurt me.
And that could be true I guess.
But is that worth the risk?
I mean if you have only one friend who is like; “yo I hate with with you.”
But you have everyone else who matters in your life going— we love them— they might be out to get ya.
But if only one person says I love them— and everyone else is like we hate them— listen up.
If your dog who loves everyone runs away from them— you should follow suit.
You have to be open about this— it can be hard to hear.
But those whom you trust— may be seeing something you are not seeing.
· He’s not honoring you—She’s too into herself.
· He’s pushing you sexually—She’s way too controlling.
In proverbs we glean some wisdom:
Oil and perfume make the heart glad,
and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.
I pray that you have people in your life that you allow to speak truth into your world.
You need people like that.
People who can tell you— hey I think you are making a mistake with this person.
When they’re not consistently pursuing Jesus and number 2. When those you love don’t love who you’re dating.
Thirdly:
3. When you don’t experience healthy conflict.
Have you ever heard a couple gage their relationship on how little fighting they do or have many fights they have.
It is not about the amount of fights you have.
Because the reality is that you will fight.
You will have disagreements.
It is not about the quantities of fight but it comes down to how you fight.
If you are in a healthy relationship you will fight fairly.
If you are not then you will fight dirty.
When we fight fairly there is no winner we are looking to resolve the problem, not dominate the other person.
When we fight dirty— it is personal and you will seek a victory to be won.
Learning to fight fairly is huge in a relationship.
If you find yourself defaulting to consistently breaking up with someone over a fight to then get back together again— you are not fighting fairly— and what we will say is— well if we get married we will fight less.
If we have a baby we will fight less.
Good luck with that.
When we fight well it is about coming together to solve a problem.
Not to defend or tear each other down— it is to build each other up.
How do we do this?
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
When it comes to fighting it can be very easy to get angry so fast before we listen.
Above all things listen well.
And when you are dating and you do not have healthy conflict it may be time to check out.
1. When they’re not consistently pursuing Jesus and number 2. When those you love don’t love who you’re dating. number 3 3. When you don’t experience healthy conflict.
and 4thly
4. When you find it difficult to trust the one you’re with.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
This passage is talking about love.
And Paul is saying look love always trust.
Just like it always protects, and always hopes and it always preservers.
If you find yourself unable to trust the person you are dating— it is time to get out of that relationship.
Please hear me when i say that you will have moments of insecurity— that is natural.
But when you are consistently worried you can’t trust them that is a red flag.
If you have arrived at the place where you do not trust them— there is a reason for that.
Maybe you have caught them sliding into other girls DMs.
Or maybe she is still snapping her ex BF
Or maybe he keeps liking other girls pic that are a bit revealing.
They keep their phone pretty tight on them.
They don’t want you to see or have access to their phone.
(Just to clarify I don’t think they should hand over their phone to you but if you are with them and they are being sneaky you have every right to question them.)
OR OR— It could be that you are the problem.
Maybe you are overly possessive.
Maybe you are really insecure.
It is not they are trustworthy— you just aren’t trusting.
and either way those are red flags.
Maybe you find yourself wondering what they are looking at on their phone.
Or where is she at?
Or why hasn’t he called?
Pay close attention on how you describe them to the people.
We may find ourselves saying— I love them— they are amazing— but I can’t trust them.
The big question here is why would you stay with someone that you don’t trust?
1. When they’re not consistently pursuing Jesus and number 2. When those you love don’t love who you’re dating. number 3 3. When you don’t experience healthy conflict number 4. When you find it difficult to trust the one you’re with.
5. When they’re leading you away from Jesus instead of closer to Jesus.
When you are dating them— are they leading to towards Jesus or are you moving further away from him?
Jesus saying in Matthew 24:4
And Jesus answered them, “See that no one leads you astray.
If you are dating someone and they are not encouraging you to follow Jesus that is a red flag.
If you start dating and you stop going to church that is a red flag.
If you start dating and you abandon the Christian community that you are a part of— that is a red flag.
When you start to date someone and you begin to compromise sexually that is a red flag.
You will be tempted but when you have someone encouraging you to press into Jesus and they are for you that is amazing.
That is worth keep around.
When someone is leading you away from Jesus and asking you to compromise yourself— it is clear they do not have your best interest at heart.
If you are in a relationship and any of these red flags set off alarms in your head— figure out why that is, and be prudent.
You can see the trouble ahead and it may be a good place to stop and end the relationship.
And I know that is hard to hear.
But you can’t marry the right person if you are dating the wrong one.
Right now you may be thinking I need to end things BUT Zach they can change.
I just know it.
I read this line from Andy Stanley that might be helpful.
“If you want to know how someone will behave tomorrow, take a look at what they did yesterday. Are there exception? Of course.
Should you make significant relationship decisions assuming you will be the expection?
Never! It’s too risky.”
This may sound harsh.
It may sound unloving and heartless.
Here’s the deal I am all for grace and forgiveness.
Zach he has told me that he is going to come to chruch with me.
He has an interview tomorrow.
He hasn’t missed a meeting with their parole officer in 6 months.
I believe that people change.
but people don’t change people.
And holding on to the hope that they will be something that they are not currently is only setting yourself up for frustration and you are setting them up to fail because their change will be for you and not for them.
Change comes from within.
It comes from when you get sick and tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the failure.
When you know you have to change— because if you stay on the path you are on you are going to keep getting hurt.
My grandpa smoked like a chimney when my mom was younger.
And my grandma hated it.
She would just beg him to quit and he would then he wouldn’t.
He drank hard and would often come home drunk and violent.
My mom and aunt wanted him to change.
My grandma wanted him to change they would plea for him to change— my grandma would pack up and leave only to come back after hearing him say he would change for them— to once again be disappointed.
It was not until he stood face to face with a doctor who said Gary you have two choices you can make today.
You can keep living how you do and you will not make it 45.
Or you can change and give up the drinking and the smoking.
The doctor said it is up to you.
If you don’t you will die.
He quit cold turkey right then and there.
Should it have been enough that he wanted to change for my mom and his wife, yeah but it was not until he was at the point of no return that he finally made the choice to give it up.
People can change but it has to come from with in.
We talked about the warning sign so what if we flipped them?
If we say:
(1) The one I am Dating is pursuing Jesus
(2) The one I am dating is loved by those who I love.
(3)The one I am dating we have healthy Conflict
(4) I trust them.
(5) We Both are growing closer to Jesus.
That is how you know you have found the right one.
And I would say that if they are not living up to these— it will end eventually.
Save yourself and them sooner rather than later.
I know these might be hard pills to shallow if you are in a relationship, or maybe it is super encouraging if you are in one that is God honoring.
Or maybe you can take this and be mindful when you do enter into a relationship what you should expect.
But with all of the things we mentioned make sure that you are also living up to these.
That you are becoming that someone that you are looking for as well.
You don’t get a free pass to expect these things and you don’t hold up to these 5 red flags.
Pursue Jesus
Be respectful and honoring
fight fairly
Be trustworthy
and point them to Jesus
Will you pray with me: