Snowblast Night 3

Security vs. Insecurity

Last night of snowblast.

Here we are.

And as we wrap up tonight.

I want to talk about something that I believe is one of the biggest contributing factors to being in a healthy relationship or not.

What I would like to talk about tonight is something that I don’t think I have ever spoken on.

But when it comes to relationships I think a lot of what we have talked about this week can be boiled down to whether a person is secure or insecure.

Now before we jump into that let me let me tell you what I have been praying for and what I hope comes out of this weekend.

I pray that everyone has grown closer to Jesus this week.

I pray that we shift our priorities to Jesus first and everything else second.

That everyone here will leave examining themselves.

They you will be very intentional with setting boundaries in their own lives and in their dating lives.

That you will continue to have on going conversations about those boundaries.

That if you are dating I want you to examine who you are dating.

Do they love Jesus, does your community love them, do you have healthy conflict, do you trust them, and do they point you to Jesus.

My hope and prayer is that many in here will have good and healthy relationships because of this week at Snowblast.

And my hope and prayer is that if you are in an unhealthy relationship that you will break it off.

Or even if after this week you begin to examine yourself and who you are and you realize dang, i’m not ready to be in a relationship.

I think that would be great.

You may not think so but I do— because it shows that you are maturing and you are trying to understanding how to date well and part of that is realizing that you can’t marry the right person if you are with the wrong person.

Marriage is something that many of us will probably do at some point in our life.

And in order to be with the right person you can’t be in a relationship with the wrong person.

So the question then that naturally comes up then is how do I find the right person.

Because let’s think— trial and error while it may be fun and you will for sure have some experiences— that would not be healthy in the long run.

I mean you can go the creepy route:

Stalk them on social media and google them and know everything about them and then dream about how they are the one for you.

You can try to slide into their DM’s and try to shoot your shot.

You can do the express your love to them via text at 1am as you write “you up?”— can I just say what a simple response here is?

Don’t even answer it. No!

You can try a dating app— I am not here to knock those at all but I have heard more horror stories then I have heard positive stories.

You maybe you come to youth group or go on a trip called snowblast because you think so and so are cute and you just want to be near them.

Nothing no one here would do.

But we ask this question, I know I did often in high school.

How do I find the right person?

And if you are self aware at all you may ask the question how do I become the right person?

And I believe that this is the most important question we can ask.

Why because you can’t attract what you want.

You attach what you are.

In the book Love Sex and dating, Andy Stanley tells a story that is all too come in the Christian world.

He tells a story about how a girl who was raised in a pretty strict Christian home goes off to college and goes wild.

She put Jesus in a box and pretty much said— I’ll get to you later.

And she lived it up.

She kept coming up empty on her relationships she was tried and frustrated.

Until she met the perfect Christian guy.

He was the total package.

Cute, successful, personality, a true believer as in he talked about Jesus openly and often.

It wasn’t long until this girl ended up talking to her mom about this guy.

And she told her mom; “Like mom, he is like a real Christian, He’s the kind of guy I’ve been looking for.”

And her mom looked at her, and she said “Sweetheart the problem is, a guy like that isn’t looking for a girl like you.”

You can imagine those words cut like a knife.

She cried and cried and cried.

But her mom was right and their was no denying it.

And I get it, it sounds so harsh.

But this is the reality:

We say we want one thing— we may even say we want the best thing but you will only attach what you are.

So what I want to challenge you with is you want to become the type of person the person you’re looking for is looking for.

This may make you nervous or scared but if we have high expectations about who we date the person that we want to date should also have high exceptions that you fit as well.

And if you are thinking, I don’t know if I can do that— then maybe dating isn’t for you yet.

Because honestly— I think we all can get to a place where we put on a list all of our standards and expectations and we say here is what I am looking for and we never change how we are doing life.

So what happens?

Well we begin first by lowering our standards.

We lower them— we begin to compromise out of desperation.

And when we do this and when we resort to this it is because we find ourselves single and insecure.

And what I want for you is for you to start single and secure.

Because when you are secure in who you are and who you are in Christ- you will not compromise.

You will not settle.

I have seen relationships over the years but I think of one that I could not be more proud of then Phil Reed.

When I first got to Bethel Phil was a single guy.

Who dated went on dates and they just didn’t end up in what he wanted marriage.

And I remember being at snowblast and for a couple of year I heard people tell him— Phil your standards are too high.

Phil need to lower your standards.

And Phil never did.

And then we met Emmy and they got married and they just had a kid.

And I remember talking to him about Emmy and his expectations and he just looked at me and said— she blew them out of the water.

So over and over again he heard people say to him— just lower your expectations.

They are too high and the one he ended up with blew them out of the water.

I believe that is a testament to Phil starting single and secure.

He knew who he was in Christ and he knew who he was.

And he was not willing to settle even if he kept getting older.

That is hard to do but it is what I want to challenge everyone in this room to strive for.

To start single and secure.

I say this because I know we have all been around people who are insecure right.

You may have dated someone who was insecure.

Or maybe you have a friend who is this way.

Here is what insecurity looks like:

Do like me?

Where were you?

Who are you texting?

Can I Look at your phone?

Why are you looking at her or him?

Am I pretty?

Am I strong?

Do you think I am as pretty as some famous person?

We know and we understand what insecurity looks like.

It is full of anxiety and jealously and it shows a lack of trust.

And when it comes to relationships:

Insecure people will need more and settle for less.

They will always need more reassurance.

Nothing you say will give them closure.

They will look for to a relationship to bring meaning to their life.

but they will be afraid of losing it and they will be afraid of being alone.

So they will make compromises.

They will settle for less.

They will need more attention, more affirmation, but nothing will ever be good enough, because they are just insecure.

And it is normal to feel a like insecure in new relationship.

That is not what I am saying.

But this may be how you can spot insecurity in a relationship:

“An insecure person is always going to be anxious about the future, fearful of abandonment, and will act extremely clingy to reassure themselves of the bond they have. They’ll be jealous, they will snoop into a person’s life and will probably get upset at banter in the relationship.”

They may even say things like:

“I can’t live without you.”

“I can’t make it without you.”

“I’m not sure I want to live without you.”

“I’ll never overcome this without you.”

“With your help, I can become a better person.”

“Before you come along, I was lost.”

“I need you.”

I’m incomplete without you.”

The root of insecurity is that you believe that you are not enough.

And when you believe this will consistently look for things in your relationships or personal life to prove that point— so you can find security in your insecurity.

So that is not how we want to enter into a relationship but most importantly that is not how we want to be in general.

So if insecure people need more and settle for less what about those who are secure?

Secure people need less and they expect more.

Secure people are grounded.

As a believer we want to be ground in our faith.

I love the parable that Jesus tells about the two men who built houses.

The difference was what they built it on.

One built it on the rock and the other on the sand.

Let me remind you of this story in Matthew 7.

Matthew 7:24–27 ESV

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

As Jesus was wrapping up the sermon on the mount— this teaching starts in Matthew 5 and it ends here in Matthew 7.

We have two chapters of just a message that Jesus is pretty much giving.

and in the end he says you have two choices on how you can live your life.

You can build it on the rock or you can build it on the sand.

The rock represents everything Jesus just taught them.

And he even says look you can hear these words of mine and do them and you would be wise to do it.

You are building a foundation on the rock.

But if you hear my words and choose not to do anything with them or about them.

You are foolish and you are building your house on the sand.

And as I was reading this story I couldn’t help but wonder why would anyone build their house on the sand?

Because Jesus at times would challenge the everyday normal stuff that people did and say look there is a better way.

Talking about the Shepard who leave the 99 sheep to chase after the one.

It would seem crazy to those in the culture because that was not the norm.

But as I read this story over and over again.

And dug into the story.

It is clear that no one would build their house on the sand.

In Palestine there was consistent flash flood that would happen and you would have no time to react.

If you built your house on the sand you were asking for trouble.

But there had to be a draw to build you house on the sand as opposed to the sand.

It would have been cheaper.

It would have been easier.

It would have cost less and it would have been faster as well.

And you would be left with a house that every time a strong storm came in you would be unsure that it was going to hold.

If you have ever been on a beach durning a topical storm, just a storm not a hurricane then you know how strong the wind is and it will tear about any structure that is built on the sand alone.

But Building on the rock would take more time, more energy and it would cost more.

But when the storm would roll in— You house would be anchored in.

Your house would be firm and you can rest in your house knowing that it is not going to fall.

This is why Jesus say this.

That you can put your hope and your faith in other things— you can build your life, your relationships on each other and things of this world but nothing will take the place of the rock.

Nothing will take the place of Christ.

So when we build our faith on the sand— we do it as an easy fix, we take some of what Jesus says and a little bit of instagram magic and that tic tocker that says love is love.

And we build on that ever shifting sand that is never secure we will be left feeling insecure because we have no idea who we or whose we are.

We will then enter into Sandy relationships that will leave high and dry— we will need those consent affirmations— and we will make those compromises and when the unavoidable happens and the relationship falls— we will be left with a faith that in shaky at best.

We will be left broken, insecure and destroyed.

When you build your relationship on Jesus it may take time, it may cost you something, it may be a hard, but if you build your faith on the Rock.

You will have a solid relationship that you can be secure in.

You can find security in who you are because you took the time to build your faith on the only thing that will not leave you high and dry.

And because we are becoming the type of person that the person we are looking for is looking for.

We know that they are also building their house on the rock.

And not every Christian will be compatible with you.

Nor will just because you have the same foundation will you avoid temptation.

We can sin even in solid relationships

But with a common foundation as in the Rock, as in Christ you can be secure in who you are.

If you are secure— you will understand that those phrases we talked about can easily be dismissed.

When someone who is insecure in who they are and in their relationship says:

“I can’t live without you.”— No you can’t live without Jesus build you up.

“I can’t make it without you.”— No you can, because Jesus will make a way for you.

“I’m not sure I want to live without you.”— Yes you can, but the one you can’t live without is Christ.

“I’ll never overcome this without you.”— I am weak and I will fail you but there is one who won’t

“With your help, I can become a better person.”— I am not capable of changing you only Christ can change you.

“Before you come along, I was lost.”— No before Jesus came into my life I was lost but through his grace I have been found.

“I need you.”— No you need security in Jesus.

I’m incomplete without you.”— No Christ completes you.

Colossians 2:9–10 ESV

For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority.

When we try to build our relationships on anything other than Christ they will fail.

To find the right person you have to become the right person.

And in order to do that you need to start single and secure.

And security in relationships begins with security in Christ.

Build your foundation on him first and foremost.

Be devoted to Jesus above all else.

Build your faith on him first.

Because if we enter into relationships without being secure in who we are in Christ we will set ourselves up for compromises and settling for less— those sandy relationships.

Build on the rock be secure in who you are because of whose you are.

Let’s Pray