The Christian Home

Grace to you and peace from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, it is a privilege to share the Word of God with the saints of Durbin Memorial Baptist Church this morning.

Once upon a time there was a seven year old girl who was mystified by movie Cinderella. She loved the pageantry, the magic, the pretty dresses, and the suspense of the chase as the prince was searching for his mystery woman. One day the girl is over at the neighbor-ladies house and gushing on and on about the story. The neighbor lady wanted to impress the little girl by her own knowledge of the story and so she said, “I know how the story ends!” The little girls says, “Okay, what happens?” The neighbor lady says, “Cinderella and the prince live happily ever after!” To which the little girl responds, “Oh no they didn’t! They got married!”

You see this little seven year old girl had at such a young age, already bought into the cultural degradation of the concept of marriage. The romantic chase is fun and whimsical, but the shackles of the marital covenant remove the excitement. Just think about it, one of the most popular secular explanations of marriage is “putting on the ole ball and chain” comparing the marital relationship with being on the road gang, imprisoned, picking up scraps on the side of the interstate! This secular distortion of marriage is not even limited to just our current era. The 17th century playwright William Congreve wrote, “Every man plays the fool once in his life, but to marry is playing the fool all of one’s life.”

For the next two weeks, we are going to be walking through Colossians 3:18-4:1. This section of Scripture has been entitled by some as, “How to Have a Full, Rich Family Life.” These verses are explicitly practical as we consider what it means to Live the Christian Life. We’re going to divide this sections into three parts. Verses 18-19, focusing on the interpersonal relationships between husband and wives this week, 3:20-21 next week looking at children and parents, and then 3:22-4:1 focusing on the work place ethics and authority structures the following week.

But before we get into the particulars of this passage, we need to first understand that true religion, true spirituality is highly practical and actionable. What you believe absolutely should influence the way you behave. In fact, if what you believe does not influence what you do, then it could very easily be said that you don’t actually believe what you say you believe. We talked about this a few weeks go as we saw that Christians do not *just* have a relationship, they have a relationship with the Lord that informs their religion, that is their practice.

I bring this up because, if you can remember back or want to refer later to Colossians 2, in this book, Paul is arguing against the gnostic, mystic influences surrounding the Colossians church. These false teachers tried to say that true spirituality was limited to a select few who had a access to “higher knowledge”, there were these fantastical “mystical” experiences, and crazy codes of rules and practices like asceticism. Those are the things the false teachers said define spiritual experience and practice. Paul has informed the Colossians and us today that all of that is nonsense. True, life-giving, sanctified spirituality is nothing grand, romantic, or impossible. You do not have to walk over coals to find your spiritual bliss. Nor do you need to meditate until your “third eye opens”. As we see in the Word of God, specifically in the instructions given to us in the book of Colossians, true spirituality is *submitting* to the supremacy of Christ which will transform our character and revolutionize our relationships. the first part of chapter 3 focussed personal character and what the individual life of the believer looks like, then it begins to present personal virtues in the context of the local congregation. Now, this morning we are looking at our particular roles and responsibilities in the context of the flesh and blood family.

We’re going to look at particularly the relationship between husbands and wives. I believe it is important to set the stage as we have been doing thus far, because we need to understand two foundational ideas before we get into the particulars of these relationships.

First, we need to understand that these roles are good and God honoring! We should cherish being a God-honoring husband, a God-honoring wife, a God-honoring child, a God-honoring parent. As we will see as we walk through the text, there a particular responsibilities for each of these roles. We should not see these roles as shackles but rather as a grace of God given clarity on what we should be doing and what we are responsible for!

Secondly, we must understand that these roles are under attack! Their value is questioned! Just think back to the little girl who proclaimed their could not be a happily ever after if the couple got married! The modern film industry constantly makes the husband the bumbling idiot. The wife is left to pick up where he has left his duties derelict. Then there are also so many movies are constructed in way that tells your children that the adult or parent is wrong and the child does not need guidance, they had the right answer within themselves all the time. This works its way outside of the movie industry and into real life! People either intentionally or subliminally receive these messages and live accordingly.

This week I was having lunch with an old friend who is about to have his first child. We were talking about everything that goes into having a kid and just how wild the whole process is. Then, in our conversation, we had this moment of collective realization. It is crazy how when you are about to have a kid or maybe right after they’re born, it is crazy how many people go on and on about how horrible it is to be a parent! It’s often veiled by pretending to be a warning, but it is just astounding how many people will seek to suck the joy right out parenting.

I say all of this because as we walk through this direction given to the Christian family, we need to know that these roles are not something to be lamented, but cherished. I know that there are going to be challenges and we all fall short, but God has established the family. We should seek to live up to the roles in which He has called us and do so with great joy. I would go so far as to say genuine spiritual living is bringing our relationships into compliance with the example of Christ. Cherish your role as father, husband, son, mother, wife, or daughter. Do so for the glory of God.

With that in mind, if you have not already, turn in your Bibles to Colossians 3. We are going to begin in verse 18. We will begin our look at the structure for the Christians household. Let us begin in verse 18.

Colossians 3:18 ESV

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

In our modern climate, it may seem as if I have come out of the gate swinging. How misogynistic of me to even dare suggest submission of a wife to a husband. Let me clarify a few things here. I, Brad Pearce, am not formulating any sort of suggestion. This is a direct exhortation given to the saints of the church of Colossae and applicable to believers today that is given in the inerrant, infallible Word of God. Furthermore, we should not view submission as an inherently negative ideal! We have already said this morning that, “true spirituality is *submitting* to the supremacy of Christ.” So we need not think of submission as an inherently negative disposition.

Here in Colossians 3:18 wives are called to submit to their husbands. That is a call to recognize and respond to the God-ordained authority of the husband. I also want to clarify that the call for submission does not mean that a wife is somehow lesser than a husband. When Peter gives instructions to husbands in 1 Peter calls the wife “a fellow heir of the grace of life”. Verses like Gal 3:28

Galatians 3:28 ESV

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

are talking about the equal worth all believers have in the Lord. We understand verses like Galatians 3:28 with in the greater context of Scripture and see that in heaven there will representatives from every tribe, nation, and tongue. This means Galatians isn’t wiping out differences between people in Christ and saying that we are all just one carbon copy of one another. Rather, it means that we are of equal worth in Christ while there are simultaneously racial, socioeconomical, or biological differences between those who are in Christ.

So let’s take this back to Colossians 3:18

Colossians 3:18 ESV

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Submission does not diminish equality or destroy the dignity of the wife. The submission being talked about here is also not a license for men to abuse their role, nor is it a command for a wife to be a doormat. The Greek carries the intention of voluntarily giving in or cooperating with another person. It is an attitude willing and joyful submission. The same word is used in James 4:7 where all believers are instructed to submit to God. It is an attitude of joyfully following and living within the structure God has created the universe.

But let’s be real for a second. Christians can joyfully and willfully submit to Lord because He is perfectly righteous. His directives are good and trustworthy. He is never failing. He is perfectly good. If I were to take a survey of all the wives in the room this morning, would any of you be able to use those words to describe your husbands? Miss Cassidy, you could say that your husband is perfectly good, right? Of course not!

In this instruction given to wives, it is understood that the husband is not perfect. We’ll get to more on that in a moment, but husbands make mistakes. There are going to be times when they try to lead their family in a sinful direction. There are going to be times when they neglect their leadership all together and make it to where the wife is made to wear a hat that is not fitted for her. On this John Piper wrote, “No wife should replace the authority of Christ with the authority of her husband. She cannot yield or follow her husband into sin. But even where a Christian wife may have to stand with Christ against the sinful will of her husband, she can still have a spirit of submission. She can show by her attitude and behavior that she does not like resisting his will and that she longs for him to forsake sin and lead in righteousness so that her disposition to honor him as head can again produce harmony.”

I want to give the text the attention it deserves and make sure we understand what is being said here. Wives, it is good, right, and God-honoring to submit to your husbands. That phrase “as is fitting in the Lord” needs to be properly understood. While it is true that you must not follow your husband into open sin and rebellion against God, please do not use this as a license to think like this: “I’ll submit to my husband when I agree with him. I’ll submit to him when he makes the right decisions and carries them out the right way. But when he makes a *wrong* decision, he isn’t in the Lord, so I shouldn’t submit to him then. It isn’t fitting to do so.” Simply put, as theologian David Guzik says, this manner of thinking isn’t submission at all. Everyone submits when their in agreement with the decision that is being made! It is in the disagreement that the virtue of submission is truly tested!

When Colossians 3:18 says, as is fitting in the Lord, this is not telling the extent or limit of a wife’s submission. It is defining the motive! It’s saying wives submit to your husbands because it is an expression of your submission to the Lord! You submit simply because it is fitting in the Lord to do it. It honors God’s Word and His order of authority. It is part of your Christian duty and discipleship.

Get this, submitting to your husband is a particular part of a wive’s sanctification process! This has nothing to do with personality types or with your husband’s intelligence, or giftedness, or capability. It has to do with honoring the Lord Jesus Christ.

This is why we should take the covenant of marriage so seriously and not enter it flippantly. We’ll talk about direction for the husband in a moment, but all the young ladies and single women, I hope you are paying attention here. You should seek a God-honoring husband who loves the Lord and respects God’s Word and applies it to his life and his treatment of you, because you are called to willfully follow his leadership.

Many couples come together in a rosy fog of optimism. Blinded to the shortcomings, each sees only the other’s good points. But as the years pass by, the excitement wears off, and the couple begins to drift to the opposite extreme of viewing each other's same traits as faults! This has been called “reverse reasoning,”and it looks like this:

“She married him because he was ‘strong and masculine’; she divorced him because he was a very ‘dominating male.’ He married her because she was so ‘fragile and petite’; he divorced her because she was so ‘weak and helpless.’ She chose him because ‘he knew how to provide a good living’; she left him because ‘all he thought about was the business.’ He married her because she was ‘steady and sensible’; he divorced her because she was ‘boring and dull.’”

Marriage is a biblical, God-given institution that should not be entered into lightly. If you are looking for a husband, I implore you to look past emotionalism and truly get to the know the heart of the individual. Look for someone you can honor the Lord with as you walk through the rest of your lives together on this side of eternity. Weigh their spiritual conditional above all else. I am not just saying someone who professes belief in what they say, but also weigh the fruit of their actions as well.

We’ve spent a good deal of time here and I don’t want to belabor the point, but as we continue on in this passage remember that this is the Word of God, living and active, and profitable for all those who believe in Him. It tells us, “Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting the in the Lord.” But that is not the totality of the message we are receiving this morning. Continue with me into verse 19.

Colossians 3:19 ESV

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

For the last bit the husbands may have thought they were going to be exempt from instruction on this fine Sunday morning. That is not the case. There is much for us to receive here. God’s arrangement of this next is not lopsided, nor should be our interpretation of it.

Husbands, headship of the household is not dictatorship nor is it lordship. Headship in the household is loving leadership. If your response to the exposition of verse 18, was something to the effect of, “now she better shape up and listen to me.” then I am imploring you to repent and repent at this very moment! Before we seek to remove the speck from our wife’s eye may remove the log from our own!

Husbands, are you loving your wives? This love here in verse 19 is a sacrificial love. A love that seeks not to be self-serving, but to lift up the beautiful bride which the Lord has provided us. Pastor Tony Evans wrote, “A husband ought to ask himself regularly, “What have I given up for my wife lately? What has it cost me to be her husband? What sacrifices have I made to enhance her well-being?””

I confess to the church that as I was studying to prepare this sermon and came across these questions from Pastor Evans, I was crushed and convicted. Society tells us that we should all be looking out for ourselves even at the expense of our spouse, but God’s Word shows us how we are to look after our God-given spouse even if and when that comes at personal cost. Husbands, are you sacrificially loving your wife? The implication derived from these verses we’ve looked at today is that the submission of the wife is gained by the *love* of the husband. Husband do you feel disrespected in your home? Start to rectify that by first asking what you are currently doing and what can you improve on doing to serve your wife!

The crescendo, the high point of our love for our wives should not be the moment we say I do. This instruction to love in verse 19 is given in the present imperative. It’s saying Husbands, continually keep on loving your Wives. And remember this is sacrificial love. One theologian worded it that husbands don’t need to be “trying” to love their wives, they need to be “dying” to themselves, allowing the Spirit of Christ to live through them, living and loving by faith and not by sight. We can think about is as Luther did. We all agree and know that Christians are called to Love their neighbors. Who is a nearer neighbor than our wives! We ought to have the deepest earthly love for none other than our wives, second only to our love of the Lord.

And this love we are talking about in verse 19 that husband is to have for his wife transcends affection or romantic attachment; it rather denotes caring love, a deliberate attitude of mind that concerns itself with the well-being of the one loved. Self-devotion, not self-satisfaction, is its dominant trait.

Before we move to the second half of verse 19, I want to give every husband in here the secret for loving your wife. If you want to follow this biblical command, then first understand that she is not God. We’re going to explain this principle in the context of husbands loving wives, but I hope that everyone is paying attention because it has direct application to all of us loving others better. It will help children love their parents, wives love their husbands, husbands love their in-laws. This is a game changer for all relationships. We must realize that that other person, though made in the image of God, they are not God. Husbands, your wife can not satisfy in your life what only God can satisfy. Rob Salvato rightly said, “Only the Lord will satisfy you. And only the Lord will satisfy her, so don’t come to your marriage relationship will all these expectations [of the other person] instead—settle into your god ordained role—and LOVE her!”

We are going to get more into this in a few moments, but the marriage relationship is a model for the relationship between Christ and the church. When we understand Christ as the Husband and the church as the bride we can really dive into this concept. Think about this. We (Christians) love God and we submit to God. We love God because He first loved us. From that love we are drawn to Him and totally give ourselves over to Him. In this relationship, Christ is the Husband, and we, the church, are the wife! If we want a happy, healthy, God-honoring, order-following marriage, husbands it starts with us loving our wives, sacrificially. Know your wife, serve your wife, love your wife.

And do not be be harsh with them. This means don’t be bitter against her. Don’t be resentful. Don’t hold hard feelings against her. Don’t abuse her. Us men have a propensity towards anger and harsh treatment. But the disposition of our flesh does not excuse our sin that flows therefrom. These instructions we have looked at today are given to believers! They are given to the redeemed by the grace of God. As Christian men and husbands, let us not be harsh with our wives! It is a part of our sanctification process to fight against the desire to do so and a part of our testimony that we believe what we say we believe when we are able by the grace of God to deny the sinful behavior towards our beautiful bride.

It was the common in the time of the writing of Colossians that a wife would be mouthing more than a legal concubine. There were many who had no regard for the sanctity of the marital covenant. We are shown here that should not be the case for the Christian Household.

MacArthur puts this verse into poignant application when he wrote, “Paul tells husbands not to call their wives “honey,” and then act like vinegar! Husbands must not display harshness of temper or resentment toward their wives. They are not to irritate or exasperate them, but rather to provide loving leadership in the home.”

If you are married, then cherish your role as husband or wife. As believers in Jesus Christ, we ought to have the most fruitful, happy, passionate, and stable marriages among all people. Alas, I know that that we are presently in the flesh and we fall short of the calling we have been given for these roles. If you are feeling short of your calling, then know that we serve a God of grace. We cannot change the pain we have caused in the past, but through faith and the power of the Holy Spirit, we can Be consecrated to glorify God through His designed roles for us going forward from this point.

You may be here today and have absolutely no interest in being married. That’s great. You can serve God in unique and fulfilling ways. To God be the glory. But as we conclude this morning, I want to revisit an idea related to marriage that I mentioned a bit ago.

Allow me to read for you from Ephesians 5.

Ephesians 5:22–24 ESV

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Christians, remember we’ve said throughout this morning that true spirituality is *submitting* to the supremacy of Christ which will transform our character and revolutionize our relationships. Our earthly marriages are a reflection of this glorious truth. It should be the desire of all the redeemed to leave her this morning with a renewed sense of submission to the head of the church, the Savior, our Christ. As a corporate entity, may everything we do be done in submission to the Lord Jesus Christ. As individual believers, may everything we do be done in submission to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Then the passage continues:

Ephesians 5:25–27 ESV

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Christ sacrificially loves the church and showed that by giving up His life on the cross, so that He could sanctify and purify sinners. So that He would reconcile us to the holy God that we would be presented without spot or blemish!

The wonderful news I want to end on is that Christ is still adding to His Church! You can know love because He loved you first on the cross. You can be made clean from the sin that plagues your life because of what He has done on the cross. All though who believe in the hearts and confess with their mouths that Jesus is Savior and Lord are a part of that sanctified bride this passage alludes to. That can be you. If you feel drawn to know more about the love Christ has for His church and How He is still saving sinners, make that known by coming forward during this hymn of response. Come today.

Let’s pray.