Natalie Johnson Testimony

Natalie Johnson

Testimony

I want to begin by saying this is not my story at all…this is the story of what Jesus Christ has done in my life and how Has been with me the whole way never forsaking me. He has turned all of my mess into a message and I pray that there is at least one person in the audience tonight that really needs to hear this and soaks it in.

I was raised in Vienna with two older brothers and parents who have been married for 54 years. Growing up, I always remember seeking attention from others. I was the bigger kid in class so at a very early age like elementary school I struggled with self-image issues. All my girlfriends were skinnier than me which made me automatically assume they were prettier than me. I would always asked the same question, “Does this make me look fat?” Seeking approval and not wanting to disappoint my peers, I began smoking weed and cigarettes at age 14.

This in turn developed coping skills which resulted in bad choices in the party seen leading to ecstasy, cocaine, alcohol, pills, Adderall and eventually meth.

When I was a senior in college about to graduate, I met my first husband through active addiction. At this time no one really noticed.

You see, I would wear my red lipstick and makeup to use as a mask to cover up deep rooted addiction that had bondage over my life as well as other deep-rooted issues that I was in denial about.

Eventually my soon to be husband and I got sober, well, we substituted street drugs for prescription methadone, and got married. We had a little boy who is now almost 11. **side note: I went to the methadone clinic for almost 2 years before I became pregnant. When I told them I was pregnant, they said my only option was to continue the methadone or the baby would die in the womb from withdrawals. I sought medical attention and my amazing doctor said that was a lie as he could safely take me off of the drug little by little. If he didn’t my baby would be born an addict. Needless to say, Methadone was one of the hardest things I came off of, but I did it for the sake of my baby… end side note**

After my baby was born and after I had finished breast feeding, I became a full-blown alcoholic again and would take Adderall like it was candy (just like I did in college) while my husband was fighting his own demons within himself.

We would go to church some but all I really felt was shame/guilt because I knew the life I was living behind closed doors.

Due to our addictions and the wellbeing of our son, I separated from my husband for us both to get better and to get help. Needless to say, right after My husband got out of recovery, his demons that he fought with for so long eventually led to his death and this was EXTREMELY devastating to me.

I think this was the true start of my alcoholic/addiction spiral…I began drowning my sorrows with booze booze and more booze. I would drink until I blacked out not remembering from the night before. I had a beautiful baby boy and knew that I needed to take care of him and somehow, someway God allowed me to do that daily. Notice I am saying with the help of GOD!! GOD HAS BEEN WITH ME THROUGHOUTH THIS ENTIRE JOURNEY I TRULY BELIEVE THIS AND HE HAS HAD AND STILL HAS A PURPOSE FOR ME! However, the horrible pain and struggle I was dealing with was so shameful to me that I didn't tell anyone. I was beating myself up by blaming myself for my son's father's death. I thought it was all my fault the way he died, and everyone was blaming me. I thought all fingers were pointing towards me. Anytime I walked into stores in town I heard whispers, people talking behind my back, looking at me with disgust. I also had people come up to me telling me they heard this and they heard that and wandered if that’s why my husband died the way he did.

From 2013-2018 I was heavy into using anything I could get my hands on, especially alcohol (because it was easy to get my hands on and legal) and living a life full of bad choices and numerous toxic relationships. I had my daughter in 2017 and she is now 5.

Right after my daughter was born I again picked back up where I left off. With the heavy use of my substances mainly (adderal and meth, the grief I was “not dealing with,” and the heavy drinking I began hearing voices. Yes…I said it… real voices in my head, to the point I thought they were in my walls, in my radio in my car, under my house and the list goes on. I couldn’t go anywhere without trying to quiet everything out to hear what the voices were saying to me.

Well the voices were telling me horrible things about myself like that I was not a good mother. After having stayed up all night binge drinking and using, one morning, the voices were at an extreme high.

I was at an intersection on highway 300 and felt as though this was it, I can’t take this anymore. I tried running out in front of a semi truck but something stopped myself. Call it an act from God but I began to think about my children and somehow God saved me that day from something really bad. I cried out to my mother, daddy and my brothers for help at this time. I called my brother in Atlanta and told him if he did not come home right now that he would not have a sister the next day because I could not take the voices in my head any longer;

the voices were too much, way too much and I needed them to stop. He was so confused and scared but knew I was serious.

The next morning, both of my brothers woke me up at around 7:30 am and took me straight to the hospital in Albany in which I got me some much-needed help.

I was miserable and unhappy and wanting to end my life. I was admitted into a psychiatric ward for 3 days. My alcohol level was above the normal range which was the first time I heard someone ever call me an alcoholic.

I was also given more names that I had never heard before which were a sufferer from PTSD, severe and major depressed with extreme anxiety, and having a psychosis disorder. During this time, I knew I needed to make some life changes but didn't know how and knew the only way was to start going to church.

On July 15, 2018, I met my forever person, my best friend, and the man I'm so blessed to call my husband. We had our first date at church. We both knew we wanted to do better but really didn't know how to go about doing so.

You see he was fresh out of prison, (like three days out) and I was fresh out of a pysch ward (like one month out) and let’s just say things were not looking on the up and up for the two of us if you know what I mean.

My husband saw the struggle I was fighting with and stepped up as the man of the household and began living his life differently and oh did I noticed. He began spending time with God.

Clay began getting more involved with the church and started going to Celebrate Recovery. Which in turn, got me going to Celebrate Recovery meetings. I began going to the meetings with the absolute wrong intentions. I was not going to fix any of my problems, and I was never going to be fully transparent about my struggles or downfalls. I would always act like my struggles were in the past and not current. Like yeah I am sober and oh this is quite the struggle knowing all of that was a lie.

So during my 12 step journey, I was doing well or so I thought, by addressing some issues about my late husband, that I decided to rededicate my life to the Lord in August of 2019. I thought by attending church like I was supposed to be, you know every time the doors were opened, that I checked off the qualifications for being a Christian or for being saved.

Well, you see, the truth is I was a full blown alcoholic and thought as long as I had slowed down on my drinking, you know, not getting blackout drunk anymore AND as long as I had it under control, I could sneak around and drink without anyone knowing and that be okay. I would drink any and every chance I had by myself.

Well, without me knowing, people had some suspicions but would not say anything to me about it afraid they might step on my toes. As expected, my life quickly spiraled completely out of control, yet again. On top of drinking every day, I was not reading my bible and diving into the word like I should have been (because remember I just rededicated my life back to the Lord)! I was still going to Sunday school classes, Church services, CR meetings, and Step Study classes but was not however, acting on the point of it all which was forming a relationship with Jesus.

Fast-forward to December 13, 2019. This is a day that will go down in history for me as it was a life changing day. On this day, my husband could not bite his tongue any longer and finally had enough of the sneaking around and drinking that he confronted me about it. He told me I had two choices to make…it was either him and our family or the booze.

Wait…What? What is happening? In my mind, I thought I had everyone fooled about my sneaking and drinking and the binge drinking but man oh man was I so wrong. My family could smell it on me and always could tell I had been drinking by the way I was behaving. I will never forget my husband talking to me that day. The emptiness in his eyes and the disgust look he had on his face when he looked at me. He wanted a divorce and I mean when I say he had had enough, he had… as he had already contacted a lawyer asking about divorce and annulment options.

He didn’t come home that night as I was so upset, hurt, lost and so ashamed. What had I done? Am I about to lose my family? My thoughts shifted to everything I had on the line and was about to lose.

What happened next will always be remembered as a pivotal moment in my life. Something took over me like I had never experience before in my life. I was compelled to drop to my knees in my laundry room and literally cry out to the Lord. I begged Him for His mercy. I mean I laid everything, and I do mean everything at the foot of the cross and I fully surrendered my all to the Lord.

I begged the Lord for my family and for my husband. I also promised Him to put the alcohol down if He could just help me through everything and restore my family. I was scared and terrified about my life but somehow had a peace that resignated within me that will always be remembered as one of the most amazing experiences in my life. Well to make a long story short, I have been sober since that night on December 13, 2019 and my relationship with the Lord and with my husband/family are better than ever before.

Romans 12:1 says “Therefore, I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-this is your true and proper worship”. After that night, I totally changed my life. I thought that I was going to have horrible withdrawals from not drinking alcohol or having it in my system. I had heard horror stories about the shakes and the aches that comes along with the withdrawal effects and I can only praise God and give Him the glory that this did not happen to me. He took me wanting to drink and thinking I needed to drink to cope or be normal away from me completely.

I began fully being transparent in my recovery program and with my husband about everything. Wow, this is what recovery is all about. Being transparent and breaking down chains helps move mountains and puts things on a whole different level.

Now, I would like to fast forward to 2022. Since I gave my life over to Jesus, yes so many great things have happened in my life and I learned so much. I learned how to seek God’s will first every morning not my will and to surrender my life to Him everyday.

However, if you stop seeking his will, the absence of seeking Him is like a muscle...if you don't use it you lose it. I became too comfortable in my new life… at what time I do not know.

I just know that around April 2022 I started having problems. My stinking thinking was at an all-time high and I think it got the best of me. I wasn't bonding with Jesus anymore and my faith walk was solo with just me.

Like most of us, I'd heard some term used before like "going ballistic", having a "manic day" and "stressed out". These phrases we even caption out like filtered selfies on social media, without having a clue what they actually mean or represent.

So when I found myself at work, in so much physical pain I could hardly bear it, unable to concentrate or work, I didn't know what the heck was wrong with me. First came the months of cold and hot-sweats where rivers of salty panic soaked through my whole body, then heart palpitations, blinding headaches, "explosions" in my eyeballs that left me limp, mood swings on a shocking scale, constant high-level anxiety, and finally full-body spasms that looked like epileptic fits and my voices returning. I would wind up in the hospital at least once a week for these symptoms.

I found myself searching for purpose and meaning in myself. I became very fixated on myself and my image.

I became consumed with what people thought of me again and was starting to believe that my life had no purpose for me or to others. This is what I was hearing from my voices.

Because of this depressed state, I did not seek the one most profound counselor of all which is Jesus Christ. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention something…my husband was about to get Ordained on October 2nd, so what we failed to see is that the enemy was attacking hard core…and it was literally destroying me.

I truly believe that the enemy just could not get to clay, so he came after his next best asset, which was me, and tore me all the way down.

Clay got ordained on that Sunday October 2ndand that Monday…let’s just say things reached an all time high and I wound up in another psych hospital which was Green Leaf in Valdosta. I was sent there to get my chemical imbalance in check.

I truly believe that Jesus makes intercessions for us by sitting at the right hand of the father.

He knows what needs to happen even if it is the hardest thing to happen.

I stayed in the Mental Hospital for 6 days and my hubby and son came that Saturday and picked me back up to go home. The world felt fresh again…I felt like I had been locked up and distant from everyone, but it is kind of just what I needed.

I went back to work but everything started back again.

Due to everything happening again and not wanting to end up back in patient, my husband, doctor and myself made one of the hardest decisions ever. That was for me to not continue in the same work environment due to my mental health and the safety of my wellbeing.

My days immediately began getting better. I started back my routine of waking up, diving into the Word, and trying to listen to God to hear from Him.

Shane Pruitt said that There’s a popular cliché’ constantly shared with young people: “It’s okay, not to be okay.” Well, this is a good starting place, but the Gospel goes further.

It’s okay not to be okay, but it’s not okay to start the same way when God has provided another way. Jesus is the Only Way.

During the next week, I became so much better, but now the enemy was attacking my husband which I had never outwardly seen before. He was doing awesome to the outside world but at home I could tell something was wrong.

I continued seeking the Lord And it was as if I heard God speak to me directly on Nov. 4th 2022 which was the second most pivotal moments of my life. God told me to go to war for me, my husband, and family which led me to my knees yet again.

I wanted the devil to get off of my husband and to leave our family alone!! We had been through enough, but I remember my therapist telling me that I wasn’t addicted to Jesus anymore that my new addiction was my depression.

I was letting it control my life instead of the Lord. So, I recommitted my life to the Lord and said the sinner’s prayer. I asked Jesus to please get the Devil away from our family and our livelihood and asked God to please provide for our family until I could get back on my feet. I told Him that I wanted to be addicted to Him again and to be sold out for His son. Y’all it was as if I had an outer body experience…something I could not explain…

The next day, I had the honor of my husband baptizing me in Lake Blackshear and I have never been more freed up. ***side not the voices abruptly stopped yet again!!

We still have situations that come up that make us uneasy, but we both turn to the Lord…not just one of us, but both of us to block the enemy’s attack.

This goes to say…With the struggles I deal with do I always do the right thing? I try to but I am only human.

I will say that when I do not do the right thing I am instantaneously convicted. Fully surrendering to the Lord doesn’t mean you can’t sin, but it does mean when you sin you don’t like it anymore. At my lowest point when I was alone and afraid, God drew me to Himself. From growing up with my mama playing the organ at churches, I knew what to do. I knew that He could save me if I just let Him..

Since knowing Him, God showed me that being a “Christian” isn’t about just doing good works. He made it clear that I do not have to earn my salvation or His love (Eph. 2:8-9). He has given me fulfillment, purpose and joy. I am not perfect and I still mess up, but when I sin…I don’t like it anymore. God loves me despite my flaws and imperfections. And when the things I was pursuing before continually let me down, God has never once left me. He has shown Himself to me in His Word, the Bible, in (verse of scripture). God loved me even at my lowest point and He rescued me from myself and eternal separation from Him.

I would like to close by saying that one of the things that have made my recovery different that other things in my life is that this is a journey rather than a destination. My path, this path, is a spiritual one and allows a lifetime of growth.

Matthew 6:34 says “don’t be anxious about tomorrow, God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.” We can’t change yesterday and we can only pray about tomorrow. It took me a while, but I finally realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do that would change my past.

Moreover, living in remorse about the things I put my family through was only opening a door for the enemy to exploit and sabotage my recovery. I realized that the greatest thing I could do was to work the best recovery program I could and always keep trying to do the next right thing for the sake of my family, health, and love for the Lord.

My name is Natalie, and I am a firm believer in Jesus Christ and I celebrate recovery over alcohol and drugs. Thank you for letting me share.