The Christian Family

Grace to you and peace from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. It is a pleasure to have this opportunity to share the Word of God as a congregation.

Charles Francis Adams was a 19th century political figure and diplomat. He had quite the career as a state senator in Massachusetts, eventually being elected to the US House of representatives, and working with Abraham Lincoln as a liaison to the United Kingdom. later on in life he became one of the overseers of Harvard University. By all earthly accounts he was a very successful professional. Charles Francis Adams just so happened to keep a diary that has been preserved. On one day he recorded this in his diary. He wrote, “Went fishing with my father today—a day wasted.” Charles Francis Adams had a son named Brook Adams. It so happens that Brook also kept a diary that is also still in existence. On that very same day Brook Adams made this entry, “Went fishing with my father—the most wonderful day of my life!” The father thought he was wasting his time while fishing with his son, but his son saw it as an investment of time.

This morning we are going to be looking at the relationship between children and parents, particularly fathers but the principles we discuss have broader application.

Now that story I shared about Charles Francis Adams and his son Brook paints Charles in a pretty bad light. I am not a historical scholar, nor an Adams family expert, so I cannot give you a greater look at the relationship between the two. However, this is just an example of at best a singular incident of a successful individual downgrading their experience and position as a parent. As we looked at the martial relationship last week we saw how the God-ordained family roles and positions are under attack. And not only are they under attack, but the attacks are working. People are now and have been for a long time, buying into self-idolization over self-sacrifice. We have rejected the great joy there is in living within the familial framework that God has given us. My intention this morning will not be to lay the fathers or mothers over the coals and tear you down. In fact, we will see that instruction is not just given to parents, but there are expectations for children as well. The intention this morning will be to spur this congregation of fathers, mothers, grandfathers, grandmothers, uncles, aunts, children, and grand-kids on to live in congruence with the role that God has given you!

Open your Bibles to Colossians 3:20.

As you’re turning there I want to make provide two points to set the stage for what we are going to discuss this morning.

First as we discuss this parent/father/child relationship, we must understand that great beauty there is in this Christian understanding of family, especially compared to cultural standards at the time this book was written. Under the Roman Empire, there was a section of law entitled Patria Potestes. That translates to “the power of the father.” This gave fathers the legal right to quite literally do whatever he wanted to do with his children. He could sell his children, make them slaves. The father even had the right to take the life of his child! In the two verses we focus on today we will see a relationship that values both the God-given structure of authority in the home and the inherent dignity that comes from being made in the image of God that is for parent and child alike. And while you may not be a parent or are no longer living under the authority of your own parents, we should note that the principles of this father/child relationship we are discussing this morning follow in the mold and example of God the Father’s relationship with His children.

The second foundational point I want to make before we get into the meat of our text this morning is that as a church, we are committed to stewarding our resources in a manner that gives God glory and points the next generation towards Him. In our Member’s Covenant, we have promised to biblically educate our children. That works on the individual level and at the corporate level. Parents, grandparents educate your children. Teach them about the Lord wherever you go. You are called to be the primary disciple-maker in your child’s life. Children’s ministry and Youth ministry have their place, but finding your home on a biblical foundation will have a much greater impact on your child’s spiritual formation. Take this mornings exhortation as inspiration to either keep on sharing biblical guidance with your children, or maybe as the push to START doing so.

I’ve loved doing the children’s questions at the start of our service. Start doing those at home, the church will help resource you so you are able to so. I hope that through the power of the Holy Spirit, and the preaching of the Word, all of our parents are moved to set and hold biblical foundations at home.

We started doing the Children’s question a few months ago as a way to have that next generation participate in the worship service. It’s my hope that they are able to see worship participation modeled and receive the God-given desire to join in worshiping Him as well. I know that I can often use a lofty vocabulary and some of the topics we discuss my go beyond what they are able to comprehend, but it is good for them to hear the truths of Scripture, even if they can’t yet understand it. But for the next little bit, I want every child to pay attention because this first direction we see in Colossians 3 is given specifically to you.

Read with me Colossians 3:20

Colossians 3:20 ESV

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

One translation of this verse puts an exclamation point after the word “children!” It’s like were opening up this verse say Hey Kids! Listen up this one is for you!

So to our kids this morning, please understand. It is your responsibility to obey your parents in everything! That means that it is good and right for you to not only listen your parents but to act on what they tell you to do. God, the maker of everything you know and all even the things beyond what we can understand, gave you your parents to care for you, watch out for you, and provide for you. Parents are a good thing and as their children, we please God when we are obedient to our parents. That means we make our maker happy when we follow the directions our parents give to us. It is true that sometimes parents make mistakes and may tell you to do things that you should not do. In those cases, talk it out with an another adult that you trust, myself or maybe a Sunday School teacher. In most cases though, you are called to willfully obey your parents when they give you directions.

You may have heard in Sunday School class about the Ten Commandments. These are good, moral rules that God has given to His people. If you’ve heard of those then you may know that one of them is specifically given to children, just like this direction given to us here in the book of Colossians. In the 10 commandments, the 5th commandment is given to children. It says Honor your father and mother. Honoring your mother and father is being respectful to them in the way you talk and act towards them. It is understanding that God has given them to you to be an authority in your life. Honor your father and your mother.

But kids, did you know that when you look at the long version of the 10 commandments in the Bible that there is something unique about this command given to you? There is something that sets this commandment apart from all of the others. In Exodus 20, where the commandments are first written out, there we see that this commandment to honor your father and your mother is the only commandment given with a promise! Look with me at the full commandment!

Exodus 20:12 ESV

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Honor your father and your mother so that you live a long and healthy life! Now, this general promise does not guarantee that children who obey their parents will live to be ninety, but it is God showing us that listening to our parents, particularly when they are also following Him, that listening to them is for our own good! Parents deserve your respect because they sacrifice quite a bit for you. They provide for you. They have also gone through things that you haven’t yet so they are able to help through tough situations and they help you avoid them. In a little bit we’re going to talk to parents about the way they lead their children, but God-honoring parents have to have children like you who respect them. It is good to listen, follow, and obey those whom God has given you as your Parents. Look back to Colossians 3:20

Colossians 3:20 ESV

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

I’m now going to walk back a bit and address the congregation as a whole. Kids, I hope that you will continue to listen.

Paul writes this verse to the church at Colossae because obedience and discipline are essential virtues to have in the Christian Family. If we are to live within the fulfilling order and structure that God has given us, then we simply must be teaching proper obedience to the next generation.

Carl Zuckmayer was a german writer and friend of Swiss theologian Karl Barth. Zuckmayer wrote this to his friend about the state of discipline in the United States of America:

“If one has lived in America and seen in countless cases what injustice is done to the children, one has enough of it. One sees too much that someone, hidden behind misunderstood psychoanalytical maxims, allows them to become little tyrants and ill-humored despots (despets), despots whom adults crawl in front of for pure convenience, only to get peace; and one sees how this takes effect in the unfortunate adolescents when they, brought up without authority are confronted with the difficulties of life.”

Now mind you, Karl Barth passed away in 1968. Zuckmayer’s criticism of the lack of discipline for american children came long before unfettered access to the internet and the open posting of immorality we see today. Even 60 years ago, Zuckmayer called this treatment of our children an injustice!

If our children are to please the Lord through obedience to their parents, then they must first be given discipline and direction! We will talk about refraining from being too harsh later on this morning, but for right now, let it be understood that parents, we need to be guiding our children. God has placed parents in a place of authority so that we may provide loving guidelines and structures for them to thrive with in! As Children obey and honor the proper authority we recognize, they are are growing in knowledge and understanding. They are learning to live fulfilling lives that are long in the land the Lord has given them.

R Kent Hughes shared some findings from a psychological study on discipline in the household. The group looked at over 1700 middle school boys and evaluated those with high self-esteem and low esteem from middle school all the way through young manhood. There were three important characteristics that distinguished high-esteem children from low.

The high-esteem children were clearly more loved and appreciated at home. There were plenty of examples of parental love that was deep and genuine. Their parents were interested in their children and built a culture of self-worth.

The high-esteem boys almost always came from homes where the parents had been consistently and significantly more strict in regards to discipline. But the low-esteem boys had parents that created insecurity and dependency by their permissiveness. It was also true that the most successful and independent young men came from homes with high levels of accountability and responsibility. These families were also shown to be more tightly knit and strong through adulthood.

The homes of the high-esteem boys were also marked by openness. There were boundaries on behavior that set acceptable standards and from there there was freedom for individual expression and personality development. The boys could express themselves without fear of ridicule, and the overall atmosphere was marked by acceptance and emotional safety.

This psychological study is a secular proof of a biblical truth! Parents, it is good and right to set boundaries in the home that are child-directing and God honoring. If we want to be fulfilled in our home lives, then discipline and obedience are indispensible parts of the home structure!

Now, I understand that Rome wasn’t built in a day. If you are hearing this this morning and you think this pastor’s on to something but it could never work in my home, we’re too far off the rails, then know that by the grace of God it is never too late to start conforming to the direction He has given us. It may be hard! But do it and do it for the glory of God. Start small. Start adding structure. Start explaining to your children the value there is for them in obedience. Take them to God’s Word so they see where this comes from. And if your children are regenerate, then let them know it is a part of their Christian duty, their service of the Lord to obey their parents!

Last week we looked at the callings of the wife and the husband. The husband is to sacrificially love the wife and the wife submits to the husband. I want to make a clear distinction in the order of the home between the submission of the wife and the obedience of the children to the parents. Submission is a voluntary and willful walking beside and in the same direction done out of love and respect. The command given to the children to obey is much more absolute than that. This is saying Children, listen and do because God has entrusted your care to these people, they are worthy of your honor.

Now we also must point out that this is not a license for child abuse. For those parents who would seek to harm their child or force them into sin, they will have to answer to the great arbiter of Justice for that. We will see in a moment that this command is given under the context of parents refraining from such harsh and inappropriate treatment.

For this moment, we need to state it clearly once more that Children are to obey their parents and in doing so it pleases the Lord! What sweet words to hear!

So often serious Christians ask themselves what it is they should do to give glory to God! For the child, it is quite simple! Obey your parents and you are pleasing the Lord! Parents, be some one who can be obeyed, provide loving discipline. Children, obey your parents for this pleases the Lord! Let’s press on!

Colossians 3:21 ESV

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Here we see the great balance there is in the Word of God once more. Spurgeon explains that the duties between child and father are mutual. Scripture maintains equilibrium. It does not lay down commands for one class [of people], and then leave the other to exercise whatever tyrannical oppression it may please. The child is to obey, but the father must not provoke.

One thing before we continue, this directive is given to fathers. That does not mean that mothers are incapable of provoking their children and causing discouragement. Nor is this an allowance for the mother to do so. It is a recognition that on the macro view of humanity, this is typically happens from the father. Just as we talked about husbands having a natural disposition to being harsh towards their wives last week, here we see fathers having a natural disposition towards provoking their children. This sin of our flesh is not an excuse but rather our challenge to overcome by the grace of God.

Parents, and particularly fathers, are called to train up their children and provide them with loving guidance, not provoke or exasperate their children with consistent nagging and tearing them down.

R Kent Hughes shared what he learned when working in a store that served cowboys in Southern California. He learned that there are at least two ways to break a horse. One is with the progressive use of a halter, bit, blanket and saddle. It takes time and intentionality. When done correctly, this can produce a full-spirited, obedient horse. But there is another way that is sometimes used with particularly difficult horse. It is a very simple method. The wrangler simply takes a 2 x 4 and knocks the stubborn and difficult horse to its knees. He found out from the cowboys that a horse can very well be tamed this way but it comes at a high cost. It leaves you with a spiritless animal. The horse may be “obedient” but it will never be what it could have been.

This, sadly, occurs emotionally and sometimes physically under the leadership of many father. Children are made to be obedient, not out of honor and care for their parents, but because they have had their spirits broken. They become as it is put in the end of verse 21, discouraged. Men, may we be resolved to uplift our children with loving guidance, rather than beating them into a discouraged submissiveness.

What does it mean to provoke a child? It means to make them resentful and cause annoyance, to irritate to a high degree, to infuriate, to make bad feelings worse. In other translations, this word is rendered exasperate. This is interesting because that word is sometimes used as an adjective in botany circles and it means to describe a plant that has a rough prickly surface because of the presence of hard projecting points. Too many children have been turned into prickly cacti before reach adulthood because of the provocation and exasperation of their parents!

It is true that children can in some occasions overcome the neglect and exasperation of their parents. There is one girl I grew up with who has blossomed into an incredible servant of the Lord despite coming from a very difficult background. Even the writer of the renowned hymn Amazing Grace, John Newton, said “I know that my father loved me—but he did not seem to wish me to see it.” It is possible for children to thrive when they have not been close nurtured closely by their parents, but statistically it is not likely. Pragmatically it is unwise. Biblically it is contrary to God’s design and direction. I don’t know about you, but as a steward of God’s gifting, that gifting including my son and whatever other children may come down the road, I don’t want to be a father whom his children have to overcome his treatment and neglect, but rather a blessing whom my children one day thank God for. Being a loving father is part of being obedient to the Lord.

Here are some things to avoid as we seek not to provoke our children:

1. Avoid Over protection. We have talked about the importance of discipline throughout our time this morning, and we absolutely should be setting boundaries for our children. However, there is such a thing as too much restriction. Parents and parental figures are to provide a framework for which the child has a place to express themselves and grow. We have to show our children that we trust them. Parents should be looking for opportunities to say yes to as many things as they can conscionably say yes to. Our reason for saying no to something must be valid for things like the child’s safety, morality, or health. Sometimes we are tempted to be overstrict because in reality were being lazy! I don’t want to monitor that so don’t do it.

2. Avoid showing favoritism. Each of your children are a unique blessing made in the image of God.

3. Avoid NOT showing affection. Both verbally and physically. I believe this is where John Newton’s father missed out the most. How are our children to know that they are valued by us when all of our communication with them is tearing them down and explaining the wrong thing they are doing!

4. Avoid over permissiveness. This is the opposite of over protection. Children are not designed to raise themselves. Could that be why Adam and Eve where fully formed at the point of their creation? So that they could be the first PARENTS to raise their children? This played out in the study of the middle school boys we looked at earlier. Children are not designed to handle unfettered freedom. It leads them to feelings of insecurity and being unloved.

5. Avoid excessive discipline. Never discipline out of anger. Discipline in the home and discipline in the church for that matter should always be corrective and restorative. If you find yourself angry, looking at whatever the offense that took place was as an attack on you rather than a negative behavior that simply needs correction, take a break before offering punishment. Discipline should be explained to the level of the child and appropriate to the level of infraction. When anger drives us we often miss on both of those points. I’ll add on this that offenses should also be explained to your children in the context of sin against God. Tell your children why it is important that they don’t lie or steal as these are offenses against God. Tell you children that they are to honor their mother and father because of God’s design. Have the ULTIMATE authority in your home not be you, but be God whom is the ultimate authority whether we recognize Him or not.

I know that we are not always going to get this right. I know that I personally have already dropped the ball plenty of times with my own son. But I also know that God has given us children as a gift to steward for His glory. I know that He is a God of grace who is giving the opportunity even this morning to consecrate our childhood and our parenting to Him.

I am so thankful that the ultimate model for fatherhood is God the Father Himself. Before we conclude, I want to quickly walk through some of the ways Scripture shows us that God the Father relates to His children. He hears us when we pray. He knows our true needs and always provides. He LOVES us. We know He loves us because He sent His Son to die for us! He gives us His peace . He gives us rest. He has given us His Word as guidance and direction. He disciplines us when we are out of line and presents us with new morning mercies.

The ways that we relate to our own children are a pale reflection of the great love and care God gives His children.

The one thing that undergirds and empowers the directions we have looked at here in the book of Colossians is that the direction is given in context to Christian households. Striving to be a submissive wife, a loving husband, an obedient child, or encouraging father is folly without first understanding the great love of God the Father and being adopted as His child! Before even thinking about instilling these practical concepts into our daily lives, we need to ask ourselves if we truly are God’s child! There is but one way for that to occur. It is by faith in Jesus Christ. It is understanding and believing that Jesus, the heir, the Son of God, lived and died to pay for your sins and in doing so He is bringing all those who believe into glory as sons and daughters of God! This is a great expression of the love of God!

1 John 3:1 (ESV)

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.

When we see that we have truly been given faith in Christ, we are eternally declared as children of God! What a sweet blessing it is to know that our Spiritual Father is the God of the universe! I hope that all of us can leave here today proudly proclaiming I am a Child of God and my Father loves me!

If you cannot do so, you are being offered this opportunity to find out how you can. Come forward during this next hymn of response, find me afterwards, reach out online. Whatever it may be. But you will never know love until you know the Father’s love.

Let’s pray.