Week 1: Friction In Our Families

Philippians 2:1–8 ESV

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Summary:

During challenging times, individuals within families have a tendency to turn inward and focus on themselves rather than focusing on those around them.

However, strong families are committed to having the same mindset as Christ when they face trying times.

Friction comes when each person approaches the other with a selfish attitude.

The fact is that to avoid friction, each person must make the conscious decision to put others first and to serve them above themselves.

It is about choosing to be sacrificial rather than selfish, and that choice brings peace.

I’d like to welcome you to our brand-new series called Fact Or Friction.

For the next four weeks, we will be learning how to navigate the stress and the struggles in trying times. It is during these times of friction that our perspective can be affected and it is difficult to know what is true in important areas of our lives like our families, our marriages, our finances, and within ourselves.

God wants us to be able to know how to overcome the obstacles in our lives, and in order to do that, we need God to do his work in us.

PRAYER: God, I know that when we are stressed it becomes hard to know what is true in our relationships with others. Without knowing the truth, we end up treating each other in ways that are harmful. Please keep us from believing lies and show us the truth. Amen.

Friction is the resistance that one surface encounters when moving against another. Maybe you have tried to push something heavy across the floor and you have felt resistance. That is friction. Maybe you have lit a match. As you rub the match against the side of the box, you create friction. I want to show you what friction is like.

ILLUSTRATION: Everyone take your hands and put them together in front of you. Now rub them together as fast as you can. Do it for 10 seconds. You can hear the friction. You can feel the friction. Do you feel your hands getting warmer? That is from friction. As the surfaces of your two hands move against each other, they experience resistance.

Now today I want to talk about one of the areas where friction is most likely to be present.

Every single person in the room this morning has probably felt the rub in this area, maybe even this morning before you ever arrived for worship.

Our families might be the place where we struggle the most to believe what is true because when we face stress, those who are closest to us usually feel the brunt of the effects.

If you are a mother in the room, I want you to think back to the last very stressful time within your family. How did it make you feel toward your husband?

Maybe you should not answer that right now. ☺

If you are a father in the room, I want you to think back to the last time you felt pulled in too many places. How did it make you feel toward your kids?

Maybe you are a single parent and these stressful times are even more heightened.

If you are a kid in the room, think back to the last stressful day you had in school. How did it make you react to your parents?

If you are a single, think back to the last interaction you had with a parent or sibling … maybe a niece or nephew … maybe even about the fact of your singleness. How did it make you react?

You see, life has a way of throwing so many curveballs and unexpected situations at us that often we struggle to keep things running smoothly within our homes.

The reason this is all true is that, as humans, we have a tendency to want to protect ourselves when we feel like things are out of control.

Whenever we sense this to be the case, we often turn inward and begin to look out for ourselves rather than taking care of others.

Point #1 – When we put ourselves first, everyone else becomes last

God designed the family to give us a support system that would help us navigate life.

In an ideal world, as things get more difficult and as trials come, the family rallies around to offer care and concern.

Unfortunately, in a broken world, when we face the unknown, our response is quite the opposite.

The most important person in the world becomes us.

-We look to calm our nerves.

-We look to soothe our pain.

We look to meet our own needs.

Therefore, whether we are a mother, father, husband, wife, or child, the decision to put ourselves first means that we in turn put everyone else last.

We ignore the needs of others … all others.

We disregard their pain. We cannot see from their perspective.

This is the birthplace of friction. Grace turns us outward but sin turns us inward.

READ Philippians 2:3 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”

Paul instructs us to practice humility and raise the significance of those around us. It is about who gets the priority. It’s about who gets the attention. It’s about who is first in line.

Naturally, we want it to be us, but supernaturally it must become others.

There are few things as useless and dangerous as the right answer to the wrong question. -Peter Drucker

When we begin to allow ourselves to become our highest priority within the family, then we will ultimately experience the grind and friction with our mother, father, spouse, and child, roommate.

Point #2 – Friction cannot last forever

We were never designed to be able to withstand relational friction over an extended period of time. Just like brakes on a car wear down over time and have to be replaced, just like knives become dull over time and have to be sharpened if we allow friction to exist within our families for too long, it can wear our trust, care, and love thin with one another.

This wear shows up in what we believe about one another. We begin to believe lies about each other.

When we are stressed, we translate things that are said to us to be personal even if they are not meant to be.

When we find ourselves in a difficult season, we interpret every action from our family members as an act of aggression.

When we face struggle, our perspective can become clouded and we begin to believe the worst about one another rather than believing the best.

This kind of situation can wear us down and destroy our relationships.

We have to be careful to respond the way Jesus would in relationships, especially during times of friction.

In the book of Philippians, Paul writes his most extensive and clear passage about Jesus’ attitude and mentality in terms of his relationships with others.

Jesus is lifted up as “the example” of how we are to treat one another.

READ Philippians 2:1-5

Philippians 2:1–5 ESV

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,

Paul says that if we are united with Christ, if we consider ourselves followers of Jesus, then we are to be like-minded.

The text gives us the idea that we would have a properly regulated internal perspective that would manifest itself externally in our behavior.

Therefore, our unity with Christ would cause us internally to treat each other with love no matter what the outside circumstances are. The Spirit of God mentioned in verses 1-2 is the thing that gives us this proper regulation. The external manifestation of this internal state is humility. The Spirit of God helps us to choose to put others’ interests above our own. This does not happen naturally; we need the Spirit’s help.

When we begin to notice the friction levels rise in the family. When we begin to notice things heating up. When we sense that we are tempted to protect ourselves by putting ourselves first and others last, we must choose to have the same mindset as Jesus as our example and focus on others.

So what was Jesus’ mindset? What regulated his life?

READ Philippians 2:6-7

Philippians 2:6–7 ESV

who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.

Jesus acts like a thermostat - what did He set Himself to -

below God …

= a servant

= to mankind

Paul tells us more in verse 6.

In order for the friction within our families to give way to healthier and smoother relationships, we must have the same mindset as Jesus.

Jesus gave up his power and laid it down in order to serve others.

Point #3 – Use your strength to serve

When the stress levels rise within the home, rather than looking for any angle you have to exert power and position over others, we must be willing to lay those strengths down in order to serve our family.

As a father, I know the temptation to want to use my strength and power over my children in inappropriate ways when emotions are heightened.

I must not do that. Instead, I need to be willing to serve my kids by laying down my power the way Jesus did.

Story: Recently I found myself being pushed to the edge by one of my children. They had refused to listen to any instruction from the time he opened their eyes. At the same time, the stress of being a pastor/living/breathing/functioning during the pandemic and the stress of fixing the same resolving the same problems I had solved yesterday and the day before, all while hearing that I was being too conservative, too leftwing, too woke, too pro 2nd amendment, too anti 2nd amendment, not depending on Jesus enough, not business minded enough, too scared of a virus, not scared enough of a virus … had my nerves shot. So, when my son continued to push back long into the evening,

I felt my blood begin to boil. I wanted to lash out in anger and say things I would regret. I wanted to take away any privilege he had ever had to make his life miserable.

However, that night I felt the Spirit of God speak to my heart and it told me to instead go into his room, and be kind & gentle.

That was the last thing I felt like doing, but it was the thing I most needed to do.

So I did. I walked in, I apologized for losing my temper and raising my voice and I listened to him and found out that that day had been particularly difficult for him too.

School had been weird, one of his long time friends had treated him poorly.

He was tired of not being able to hang out with actual people, and play sports.

He was sad that we hadn’t seen extended family.

The truth was that I needed to listen to him even though I was tempted to use my strength in a way that would further harm him.

Jesus’ example in the scriptures is a laying down of heaven to come to earth. He comes and walks among broken and sinful people and loves them.

He serves them by washing their dirty feet when all while he was the one who created the earth their feet were covered in. Jesus was sacrificial and a servant.

When things get hard within the family, we need to make the conscious choice to serve one another.

Jesus’ love for others caused him not to just lay down his power; it also led him to be sacrificial.

READ Philippians 2:8 “And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”

Ultimately, Jesus gave up his life for you and for me. He died a criminal’s death on a cross in order that we might experience new life.

Point #4 – Love looks like sacrifice

When families face trying times, each individual must make one of two choices: whether to be selfish

or to be selfless.

The selfless attitude of Jesus led him to offer up his life for the world while the world was yet sinful. This is what love looks like. It is sacrificial in nature.

If you are going to see the friction in your family ease, then you are going to have to start here.

You are going to have to forgive when you do not want to

and be honest when maybe you do not have to be.

You are going to have to say no to the things that you want to do in order to spend time with someone in your family who needs your presence.

You are going to have to be obedient to your parents, even if you do not want to.

You are going to have to be patient with your child even if you have been pushed to the brink.

The truth is that living as family is sacrifice.

It simply comes with the territory. There is no way around it.

Whether it is changing diapers, helping with homework, obeying curfew, or sticking by someone who is sick.

Healthy/godly families learn to bend toward one another, for one another — they stoop and wash feet … they humble themselves and make themselves a little lower for the others good

This is how a family can make it through a rough patch and come out the other side healthier than before.

Sacrifice.

Point #5 – Healthy family unites around something bigger than themselves

Prayer for our family should be the first response and not the last resort. So, as life gets harder, the family should pray more frequently, more specifically, openly.

As life becomes difficult, prayers should become specific.

The author of the book of Romans knows the value of the Spirit of God in our lives when he writes in chapter 8.

READ Romans 8:26

Romans 8:26 ESV

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

There are/have been moments when we know what the other person needs, even when they can’t see it or define it.

They might need to feel loved/accepted.

They might need a nap, day off, a couple hours by themselves … or a couple hours with their spouses undivided attention.

They might need to repent and stop wrestling with Jesus … they might need to gather with believers/community and be encouraged.

They might need to meet with a counselor/pastor/mentor for wisdom and processing.

The Spirit of God, and Jesus Himself … are praying for us … taking the needs we can’t see, don’t even recognize, or we do and we have no idea which road forward is the right one …

Healthy/godly families gather together in these moments, they get more forgiving, more gracious, EGR moments --- Extra Grace Required

And our resource has to be the Gospel … the forgiveness and mercy and acceptance and belonging … the I know who you are on your very worst day and still want to sit with you, beside you, hold your hand

When things within the family get so hard that we do not even know what to pray, lean on the Spirit of God within you to help you navigate the ups and downs.

Each person within the family can trust that God hears their prayers and will act on their behalf. Trust that God offers hope in the middle of challenging times. This is a fact that can help ease the friction.

Pray