Rules for a Successful Marriage

A Christian Marriage

I’ve been married to my beautiful wife Brenda for almost 11 years. Now I don’t necessarily believe in “the one” BUT I believe God placed her specifically in my life. Here’s why: I’ve known my wife Brenda since I was 11 years old. I can remember one day, in sixth grade, I was waiting in line to buy food from a vending machine. I was trying to decide if I should get cookies or a snickers bar. Life was tough. As I eagerly waited for the kids in front of me to make their choices I remember looking over and seeing Brenda at a distance talking with her friends. As I watched her I heard a voice within me that said, “She is going to be your wife.” So what did I do? What do you do when you’re 11 years old and God tells you who you are going to marry?... I thought about it for about 1 second and then immediately turned towards the vending machine because I still hadn’t decided on cookies or a snickers bar. I clearly focused on what was more important. lol....It was strange but I was also a strange kid. I had already decided that the first girl I would ever date would be the one I was going to marry. Because of this stipulation I had placed upon my life I had no interest in dating when I was young. I was not going to date for fun. It was never a game for me and it would never be a game. Matter of fact, when we finally began to fall in love 6 years later Brenda approached me at my sisters soccer game and asked me what I thought about dating? My response to her was “Dating is a waist of time and a waist of money. I can spend my time and money better somewhere else and what’s the point if 99% of couples in our school separate.” Brenda replied, “Ok” and ran off. Now we’re married and have two beautiful daughters. Our marriage has truly been a blessing and I truly hope marriage will be a blessing to those who hear this message.

Before we begin I would like for us to understand

“What is marriage”?

Marriage is part of God’s intention for humanity from creation and forms the basis for the family which is the primary unit of society. Where marriage flourishes it blesses both the couple and the wider community.

Marriage is betwen a man and woman.

The bible is very clear on this. It is NOT between two women, or two men, or multiple people. It is between ONE man and ONE woman. This used to be clearly understood but many people seemed to be confused these days.

Genesis 1:27 (NKJV) — 27 So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Matthew 19:4 (NKJV) — 4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’

Genesis 2:23–24 (NKJV) — 23 And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

1 Corinthians 7:2 (NKJV) — 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.

Even the mammals in Noah’s Ark came in two by two!

Genesis 7:9 (NKJV) - two by two they went into the ark to Noah, male and female, as God had commanded Noah.

The New King James Version (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1982), Ge 7:9.

Now that we have the obvious out of the way.....

What is a Christian Marriage?

A Christian Marriage is a holy covenant between a man and a woman before God. It is a lifte-time commitment to be united as one flesh and is recognized by the laws of the land, as long as the governing authority does not require them to break one of God’s laws.

Ephesians 5 tells us that Marriage is a representation of Christ’s love for his Church.

Rule 1 - Take your vows seriously

Realize when you say “I do/Sí quiero” you are giving up aspirations, your body, and personal comforts to be shared with your spouse.

A marriage with divorce as an option is only dating with extra paper work.

There’s a reason we take our vows seriously. How can you be willing to tell your partner the truth about the dark secrets that hide in your closet if they have the option to run away? Maybe they won’t but is that a risk you want to take? When two married people are commited to staying together no matter what problems now have to be resolved. It’s either that or have to deal with the problem for the next 30 years. It’s much better to dive into the pain and heated discussions in order to solve deep rooted issues in a relative short period of time than it is to endure the same problem for a long period of time.

Rule 2 - Be a student

You'll never become an ideal spouse without studying what an ideal spouse is. As with anything in life the only way you getter better at doing a particular skill is to study those who do it well, study with and listen to those who do it well, and implement what you learn. Deepen your understanding of Marriage. Seek advice from older couples who have been together for a long time.

Rule 3- Love is more part of your WILL then it is of your emotions.

If you WILL to love someone, you will love them. You can never “fall” out of love, you can only choose to not love one another.

Many people think that love is an emotion. They base their relationship off their feelings. While your feelings are very important feelings come and go and they are not a good foundation for ones decision. There is often an event or action that took place to cause you to feel the way you do.

What’s very interesting is if you want to “feel” more love in your marriage then act it out and the feelings will follow.

Give your spouse a hug and a kiss every time they leave. Write them a kind note. Give them a massage. Tell them you appreciate what they are doing and be specific about it. Do all these things DESPITE how you feel and that “feeling” of love will come.

Rule 4 -Respect one another always.

There will be times of disagreement, times of disappointment, times of anger, but there is NEVER a time to be mean towards one another. Ephesians 4:29-32 (NKJV) Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

James 1:19-20 “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Your spouse may do things for you in an inefficient way, or a way you don’t prefer. It is very tempting in these moments to make fun of one another or even get angry. Be grateful for their help and respond gently in a loving manner.

It’s really hard to keep being mean to someone who is speaking to you respectfully and kindly.

This leads me to the next rule

Rule 5 - Your spouse is not the problem

I learned this from the book “What did you expect” by Paul Tripp. I highly recommend every married person to read that book.

When you’re frustrated or angry with your spouse because of something they did your reaction is NOT their fault. Your spouse is only the occasion for your reaction not the cause.

I’ll repeat that. When you’re frustrated or angry with your spouse because of something they did your reaction is NOT their fault. Your spouse is only the occasion for your reaction not the cause.

Look at this water bottle here. It’s already full of events from the past; trauma, abuse, neglect, pain, sadness, habits, sins. Look what happens when I agitate it.

When I agitate it the water comes spilling out.... The same thing happens to us. When you’re agitated and you react. Your reaction is built upon your previous knowledge and experiences. It’s not your spouses fault you’re reacting the way you do they are only the occasion.

You’ll notice this happens with people and alcohol as well. The alcohol only brings out what was already there.

Rule 6- Your relationship is YOURS!

Your relationship is YOURS!! Not your parents or your friends. Keep your marital problems between you and your spouse. If you need help seek help together.

There are 4 big reasons why people get divorce and how to deal with in-laws is one of them. It’s not a justified reason for divorce but it often is the case. Speak with how you are going to deal with family, especially difficult family members and be in agreement with one another.

Rule 7-Only speak highly of one another in public

Many people like to talk about the failures of their spouse for amusement. Don’t. You’r spouse is the most important person in your life treat them as such.

Refer back to Ephesians 4:29-32

Rule 8 - Date and communicate

Honestly this has been a hard one for my wife and I. We made it our goal this year to at least date once a month. This is a work in progress currently for us.

Dating is important because it allows you to reconnect and nurture your relationship.

How do you expect to maintain a relationship when you’re not communicating?

You need to take time to speak with one another about your passions, your dreams, your pain, and your sorrow. You’re married! Work on your goals together. Use finances together.

If you can’t make the time to communicate with your spouse you’re telling them they are not as important as what is keeping you occupied.

Rule 9 Have lots of sex

Yes, the bible has lots to say about sex.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.

oh, let’s continue...

And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

According to medical news today...

When we have sex it has physical and psychological effects, including influencing social behavior and emotion. It helps reduce feelings of anxiety and depression as it triggers the release of three mood-boosting chemicals — dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin.

I won’t go into more detail but know there are many benifits

Rule 10 Fall with Grace

Set goals, and plans with the mindset knowing there's a high likelihood you and your spouse will fail. Admit failures. Treat your spouse as an INTELLIGENT human beings as if they already knew they failed. Address why the failure happened and move on without keeping record of it. Show love and Grace in failures not nagging or nasty words.

Show lots of grace towards your spouse and always forgive one another. There will be things your spouse will do REPEATEDLY which you may find annoying. Sometimes it is best to let it be and simply show grace.

Rule 11 Be one

This seems to be the hardest for couples to understand.

The best way to have a successful marriage is to treat everything as ours not mine. So “my home” becomes “our home”, “my car” becomes our car, “your dirty dishes” becomes “our dirty dishes”, “my finances becomes our finances”, “my cellphone” becomes “our cellphone”.

This is where shared dreams come to life. Where peace and trust prevail. Without this type of commitment it becomes difficult if not impossible to have a fulfilling marriage. It also puts you at great risk for sin to creep in and destroy your marriage quickly.

If you don’t have access to each others accounts; bank accounts, social media accounts, cellphones, email, you leave the door open for satan to walk right in to your marriage. Do you really think you have the self control to not use money in a manner your spouse wouldn’t approve of? Do you really think you won’t flirt with someone behind their back or view inappropriate images?

My wife and I share our finances and I still mess up. Sometimes I would buy things we really didn’t have money for. It was not in the budget. She would get angry and rightfully so. I had sinned. BUT she sees when I mess up and we discuss it. She also has access to my cellphone at anytime, all my social media accounts, and my email accounts. And I have access to all of her accounts. We do this not because we don’t trust each other but to remove the temptation of sin. We do this not because we don’t trust each but because we don’t trust ourselves. It’s human nature to want to sin at times so we close every door to it.

The interesting thing is we almost never go through each others accounts because it’s boring and we won’t find anything BUT the opportunity is always there.

Don’t let Satan have even one inch of your relationship because he’ll gladly take it all.

When you view your home as one and the responsibilities of it as one there’s less fighting. If the dishes are dirty because your spouse was busy and you have the time to wash them then you should wash them.

I have a rule I follow in my relationship with my wife. Sometimes I really don’t want to follow it but I do it anyways. The rule is this: Always say yes to a request from your spouse unless you have a good reason to say no.

I’ll say it again.

Always say yes to a request from your spouse unless you have a good reason to say no.

Understand this works because we love and respect one another.

Love and respect each other. Love is hard work. It is a constant sacrifice of yourself for the betterment of each other.

Rule 12 Make Christ the center

Above all make Christ the center of your relationship. Work together to be more like Jesus Christ. He is your target and together you need to work together to hit the target. Remember your relationship is NOT ABOUT YOU. You are no longer single. You are his and she is yours. Give freely to one another without expecting anything in return, even when you do not feel like it.

1 Peter 4:8 sed, pues, sobrios, y velad en oración.  Y ante todo, tened entre vosotros ferviente amor; porque el amor cubrirá multitud de pecados.

Your relationship is an example of Christ and the church. So MEN, love your wife as Christ loves the church. That is absolute and total self-sacrifice! Christ said "I love you. I want to show it. I'll die for you." It goes on to say, "...gave himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word." In other words, Christ sanctifies the Church.

Love each other no matter what problems arise.

Let’s Pray.

Heavenly father thank you for your word and the beautiful example you have set before us. Lord help our husbands to submit to your will. Help them to be strong, courageous, and providers for their households. Help them to be amazing fathers as you are to us. Lord a pray for our wives that they would love you and demonstrate that love to their husbands and their children. Marriage is beautiful. Help those who hear this message to have a beautiful marriage. Bless our marriages, bless our families and bless everyone here today. In your name amen.