Friction in our Marriages

Fact Or Friction: Week 2

We are in the middle of our sermon series called ‘Fact Or Friction’.

We are getting honest about the fact that when life gets tough and we experience friction, we have a tendency to move slowly away from what is true, and our skewed perspective can become our reality.

The circumstances in our lives have a way of tainting the way we view people around us, and even how we view ourselves.

One of the most vulnerable relationships where we may start being overwhelmed by stress is the marriage relationship.

Our vows are tested and our love can wane unless we are proactive enough to rekindle the flame.

PRAYER: God, I recognize that in the room this morning there are couples who are in need of your strength to make it through the day. There are marriages that are hanging on by a string.

I pray that during this time together you might awaken a dedication and commitment between these couples so that they might choose to love one another well. Amen.

Any couple who has been married for more than about 5 minutes can attest to the fact that the process of becoming one takes time and is not easy.

Taking two people who come from different backgrounds and putting them together in the same house is tough enough, let alone all the burdens that come with work, children, finances, and intimacy.

Here is some high quality marriage advice from “celebrities”:

“Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you."

—Megan Mullally

"I love you no matter what you do; but do you have to do some much of it."

-Jean Illsley Clarke

"Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”

—Will Ferrell

“A man's main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month."

—Dax Shepard

Marriages must be ready for friction and have a real plan to overcome it. One of the causes of friction is marriage … means that you aren’t just juggling your own things anymore… all of a sudden you are juggling twice as many things, but you have to figure out how to juggle with a 2nd person.

Sometimes that is great because one of you can sit down, or go to the bathroom and the other can keep it all up in the air … and other times it feels like, hey I can handle my stuff but yours is lit on fire and super sharp why do you keep throwing them at me.

I love fail videos … one of my guilty pleasures … and Meg loves watching people fall down … we are quite a pair … we can sit and laugh at these things for a long time … we send them to each other via social media … we have our favorites that show up over and over … and don’t most of us love the truly awkward, anxious videos of people that you know are going to fail, they are going to drop the cake, picking up the girl during the the wedding dance never works out … lining up the entire 28 member bridal party on the old, cracked dock over the lake is always going to end up with people getting wet … like seriously folks just think ahead

Marriage is hard … I have never heard anyone but a newlywed tell me that marriage was easy …

One of the reasons marriages struggle in times of stress & friction is because, too often, couples fail to work as a team.

The friction comes because, instead of both being on one side of life trying to push things forward together, they end up on different sides pushing against one another.

It may become a stalemate or someone may get run over.

I find it may be helpful to think of it as canoeing.

Point #1 – Get in the Boat

Stay there, Row Together

Illustration: Marriage is like getting in a canoe … if you aren’t working together … you mostly go in circles, revisit the same place on shore, you get stuck … and it tends to mean that you each need to row on opposite sides of the boat to go straight … you need your different skills, abilities, perspectives for it to work

The author of Ecclesiastes speaks to this team effort between two people.

READ Ecclesiastes 4:9 “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.”

For many folks if they are honest … this is why they want to get married … they want a partner … they want someone to walk through life with …

What if you were to more regularly remind each other that you are in this thing together?

I am in this boat with you … and I’m not getting out till one of us is dead!

No matter what comes your way, you will hit it head-on with your spouse by your side. Like being on a sports team, you can have a lot more confidence when you know you are not in the game alone. You know that when you are weak, your spouse can be strong, and when they are weak, you can step in and cover their weakness. This mentality is one that must be chosen each and every day.

Left to ourselves, we will always slide back into wanting to do things on our own.

We will be frustrated when we perceive that our spouse has checked out. It is a commitment to be for each other because this only works when we row in the same direction!

Point #2 – Row Together

Rowing Together is an Active Decision

The way you see your marriage, and the way you see your spouse, are largely dictated by your attitude.

Often, you will see what you want to see and you won’t see what you don’t want to see. We have to pay attention, we have to decide, we get to choose the mentality we are bringing to the relationship.

Here is a quick quiz that can help you determine the attitude you have toward your spouse.

How easily do you rejoice in your spouse’s successes?

What is one thing that brings your spouse joy?

When is the last time you expressed your love for your spouse in a tangible way?

How often do you pray for your spouse?

What is your spouse stressed about right now?

These questions reveal for us just how invested we are in our marriage relationship.

They simply point out to us how aware we are or unaware we are of the internal world of the one we have vowed to love until death do us part.

This investment begins with an attitude of cooperation, curiosity, care, and love.

“What marriage is for: It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be.” ― Timothy Keller

True love isn’t self-seeking … instead it is other focused … how can I best help them become

Paul speaks to this mentality as he writes to the people living in Colossae.

He is expressing to them how to love one another well. This was a topic in the early church that was incredibly important because the world was watching to see how this Jesus movement would manifest itself in relationships - to see if it was legitimate.

READ Colossians 3:12-13 “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

Paul begins by reminding them that they are God’s chosen ones. Now

Paul is talking in general terms about loving each other well, but I would argue this discussion is even more important in a marriage.

When friction arises, when we are tempted to forget what is true about one another, we must remind ourselves that we have been chosen by God and are deeply loved by Him.

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow–this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”

Elizabeth Gilbert

This love from God is the basis of our love toward one another. Without trusting that God loves us, and allowing that love to permeate our lives, we have no hope of being able to love one another well. It is because of this love that Paul gives this very important instruction.

Point #3 – Choose Your Gear

Rowing Together Means, We Choose Our Gear

READ Colossians 3:14-16 “And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”

Illustration: Do you remember when you were young, those days before the first day of school? You would have those butterflies in your stomach as a new year was about to begin. Of all the things to worry about, there was always only one thing on your mind: What were you going to wear? Right? This was the most important decision to make. So you would go new clothes shopping, and the night before school began you would lay them out on your floor just to make sure you were ready.

This is what Paul is saying in this passage. He instructs his readers to “put on then”. This Greek word is the word enduo (en-doo-o). It means to clothe yourself. It has this sense of sinking into a garment. It is picking out clothes to wear, only we aren’t picking out shirts and jeans, we are choosing what kind of attitudes we will put on or wear. He tells us to clothe ourselves, to put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. These different attitudes are often forgotten about in a marriage when things get hard. We do not naturally put these on. We have to intentionally choose them and intentionally express them.

When you are stressed and your spouse asks you to do something that you do not want to do, how do you respond? Frustration? Instead, choose patience. It’s been a bad day, and your spouse forgot to do something that was important. How do you respond? Anger? Instead, put on compassion.

In verse 14 Paul introduces an incredibly important aspect of a successful marriage. It is forgiveness. He says if someone has a grievance against someone else, you should choose to forgive them. Put on forgiveness. He does not say to forgive because they deserve it. He does not say forgive because you will get a pat on the back. He does not say forgive because your spouse will magically become a perfect husband or wife. He says to do it because you have been forgiven by God already. We forgive because we have been forgiven.

He continues with the key to your marriage.

READ Colossians 3:14-16 “And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”

Here is the secret sauce. This is what binds this all together. This is what enables a marriage to navigate the highs and lows of life. It is love.

Point #4 – Love Binds Us Together

Love is How You Stay in the Boat

Paul says to clothe yourself in love because it holds all the other attitudes in place. It is the bonding agent. Like super glue, like cement, love is secure. The word ‘love’ that Paul uses here is the word agape (ag-ah-pay). This word for love expresses a love that self-giving in nature. It is a love that is sacrificial. When we love selflessly, we are able to have compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

Paul also mentions gratitude as a key to this love. Often, when people get married, they are in what is called the “honeymoon” phase. Everything is great. Their spouse is perfect. Until… one day they aren’t. Every couple will see that excitement and euphoria wane from time to time. That is the time when each couple must choose to be thankful. Each couple must remind themselves why they got into this relationship in the first place.

Illustration: Think back on your relationship with your spouse. Can you pinpoint 3 memories that make you thankful?

Wedding Day;

Jones Birth - Day;

Hike to American Monument

How did those moments make you feel? How does reminding yourself about these moments of gratitude affect your relationship now?

READ Colossians 3:17 “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Paul ends this portion of chapter 3 by reminding us why we love the way we do. Particularly for marriages, this charge is the main point. The reason we are to pay close attention to how we speak and what we do in a relationship with one another is that marriages are meant to be a picture - illustration of the kind of relationship that exists between Jesus and the Church. Throughout the New Testament, this comparison is made.

Ephesians 5:20-25 “giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” speaks to this most clearly. Wives and husbands mutually submit to one another, and each spouse is called to serve one another and love one another the way Christ loves the Church.

So, how husbands love, care for, serve, and support their wives shows the world what Jesus' love is like.

How wives love, care for, serve, and support their husbands shows the world what Jesus' love is like.

Our weddings should be, but our marriages definitely are about more than some rings, a cake, and a big party. They are about the kingdom of God.

Point #5 – Fight the Evil Current

The truth is that there is an adversary who is bent on harming and destroying your marriage. It is because of the significance of the institution of marriage that the evil one will do everything he possibly can to break down the commitment between spouses. Marriage is a challenge, a godly marriage is a decision to row against the current of the river … godliness, godly marriages, honor, commitment, submission, covenant, purity, forgiveness … make no mistake … these things are seldom celebrated, they are not now, and maybe never where the norm … if you float, you will be headed in the wrong direction, and most likely to disaster - canoe overboard

READ John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

The Cross of Jesus cannot simply be a wooden decoration … literal or figurative in our lives … it isn’t just something we picked up along the way and when things are tough we look at it … point it out … get it out of storage and hang it back up

The Cross of Jesus should be central … it models for us the love we need … it demonstrates to us the victory over the evil … the enemy has been defeated … you can love him, you can forgive her, you can get back in the boat, you can row in the same direction without hitting each other with that paddle … and even on the days when the storm seems great, and the waves are tall, and the lightening is striking … Jesus still speaks to storms and the listen … this morning he is saying to you and the storm in your life … peace, be still … rest, hope, believe

The goal of our evil enemy is to kill, steal, and destroy. Couples must fight to keep lifes friction from crippling their connection. Jesus has come to give life and life to the full. Jesus wants your marriage to be healthy and vibrant. He wants to help you develop a strong foundation that can carry the heavy load of life. In order for this to happen, it is going to take intentional effort. Choose today to invest in your spouse.

Get in the Boat

Row Together

Choose Your Gear

Love Binds Us Together

Fight the Current

Pray