Wives and Husbands

Colossians 3:18-19 “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.”

성경전서 개역개정판 3장

아내들아 남편에게 복종하라 이는 주 안에서 마땅하니라

19 남편들아 아내를 사랑하며 괴롭게 하지 말라

a. Wives submit to your husbands (3:18)

b. Husbands love your wives (3:19)

1. INTRODUCTION

Speak about the fact that people have been separated from each other since the Fall. Genesis 4 is evidence of this.

Speak also about how wives are to respect their husbands. There are so many expectations for husbands from the world.

2. BODY

a. Wives submit to your husbands (3:18)

i. Paul transitions from how the church should behave to one another (3:14-17) to now, more personally how Christians should behave in the home. Paul has been talking about what the new creational lifestyle should look like by first explaining that we should put away anger and abusive speech, then telling the church to be compassionate, bearing with one another, forgiving one another, and lastly, by putting on love, in the words of Paul, in Philippians 2:4-7, to put others before we put ourselves. We know what Paul told us in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 when he writes that love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous, it does not brag, is not arrogant, then in verse 5, writes does not act unbecomingly, is not rude, does not seek its own and is not easily provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered.

ii. By Paul’s definition of 1 Corinthians and Philippians, we can see that loving someone is simply treating them the way Jesus treated us. This is why we say that the Christian’s objective goal in life is holiness. Holiness can simply be understood as being like Christ. It is to pursue the life that Christ lived and the closest we can be like Christ, or most similar to Christ is to love someone. It is to embody the love described in 1 Corinthians 13.

iii. If that is the behavior in which Christians are to treat each other, how much better are we to treat our most loved partners? This is where Paul speaks about the most practical implications of a Christian’s life. He starts with life in the church to life at home. What we can easily understand from this is, Paul is teaching us how we are to take the principles we learn from church and apply them directly in our homes. It goes the other way as well though. If we learn how to love others like Christ at home, we are to take that principle from our homes to our churches.

iv. How does Paul begin verse 18? He starts off very quickly by telling wives to be subject to your husbands. I know from experience that when pastors preach this text in weddings, most women are very frustrated with this verse, especially Ephesians 5:22. Most women hear “subject, obey” and they think of slavery. Women are turned off by thinking “why should I obey my husband? He’s not better than me. He’s not superior to me.”

v. This is where I’d agree with you. No where in the Bible does it say that men are superior to women. Unfortunately, many men in our fallen world have taken this principle and made it almost seem like men are superior to women. To that, I would apologize that men have wrongly depicted what Biblical manhood should be. But let’s go over what Paul is writing to us.

vi. Paul starts off in verse 18 by stating women subject yourselves to your husbands. Paul is telling wives that you are to put yourself under your husband. It is telling wives to voluntarily put oneself under the authority of another person.

vii. Now many pastors will say that women aren’t supposed to submit themselves under their husbands first. I would agree with this. Based on the context of 1 Corinthians 11:3, Paul writes that Christ is the head of every man and man is the head of woman and God is the head of Christ. What we see from this order is that men are the head of women. This can be understood that man has authority over woman. If this is true, then men must first act before telling a woman to submit.

viii. We see this clearly in all the Scriptures, where if we take the example being the bridegroom and the church being the bride, the church has done nothing to deserve the love of Christ. No, 1 John 4:19 makes it clear that we love Christ because He first loved us. What has the church done to deserve the love of Christ? Nothing. We know this from the Gospel. None of us have done anything to deserve the grace of God, let alone the love of God. Yet, Christ Ephesians 2:4 in His rich mercy because of His great love in which He loved us, made us alive together with Christ.

ix. We can easily understand that although Paul writes sequentially that women should submit themselves to men, it is not understood sequentially through other verses. We know that men should love their wives first. This loving of their wives should cause their wives to love their husbands and submit to them.

x. But, let me throw this out there. What if women actually submitted to their husbands before their husbands loved them? What if we were so radical based on the context of what it means to be a follower of Christ, that we decided because of my love for Christ, that I would love my husband even though he doesn’t deserve it. What if because of the great love of Christ, I took it upon myself to love my husband even though he doesn’t love me the way the Bible describes my husband should love me?

xi. I believe although we understand that men should love their wives and I believe that is the higher precedence, I would also say that women should submit to their husbands even though their husbands are not good husbands. Why? Because what Paul writes. Paul writes, submit yourselves as is fitting in the Lord. It is right before the Lord.

xii. You should submit yourselves to your husbands because this is an act of worship to the Lord. By submitting yourself to your husband, what you are actually doing is submitting yourself to the Lord in worship. Remember, the word here for submit is you are choosing to submit yourselves not because your husband loves you and it’s making you want to love him. No, what it’s actually telling us is, love your husband and submit to him even though he’s not good to you. Submit to him even though he ignores you sometimes and loves himself more than he loves you. Why? Because you are continually seeking the things above. You are setting your minds on the things above because your life has been hidden with Christ.

xiii. You see, our motivation for submitting to our husbands is not because “The Bible says so.” We should not “obey” the Bible as if we are forced to. That is not the point of the Bible. John makes this point clearly by telling us in 1 John 5:3, that this is the love of God. What is the love of God? That we keep His commandments. And when we keep His commandments, His commandments are not burdensome. We are not merely obeying the commandments because we have to. No, we are doing it because this is what it means to love God. We are obeying the commandments of God because we love Him, not because we have to. If we love Him, we will do it because that’s the way we show Him we love Him.

xiv. This is the same thing that Paul is telling us. Submit yourself to your husband when you fight with him, not when everything is good between the two of you. Submit to your husband when it’s hard to submit to him, when your flesh doesn’t want to. Why? Because that’s what it means to love Christ and to submit to Him. This is what it means to be like Jesus. We are like Jesus when we show grace to those who are not as gracious to us. This is what it means to submit to your husbands even when they don’t deserve it.

b. Husbands love your wives (3:19)

i. Paul then tells husbands to love your wives. Probably the hardest verse in all the Bible. Contextually, they are to love their wives like 3:14.

ii. I think if we understand the phrase, Husbands love your wives properly, we wouldn’t have as many problems in the world as we have today. Much of our society has been eroded by this idea that we should only love someone as they benefit me.

iii. If you had marriage counseling with me, you remember the different types of marriages. One of the models of marriage was the contractual model. People with this mindset understand marriage as a bilateral contract that is voluntarily formed, maintained and dissolved by two individuals. Four general characteristics of contracts are, 1) they are typically made for a limited period of time. 2) They most often deal with specific actions. 3) They are conditional upon the continued performance of contractual obligations by the other partner. 4) They are entered into for one’s own benefit.

iv. When we think about these four characteristics, we see clearly that many in our society today hold to this view. Notice that marriage under this view doesn’t have to be between a man and woman. But the most eye opening aspect of this view is that it is entered into for one’s own benefit. This is why divorce has grown so much in our time today. Marriage is no longer about loving the other person. We are being taught to love yourself. Love yourself above everything and everyone else. You have to love yourself because nobody is going to love you.

v. This does not mean that we shouldn’t take care of ourselves. We should absolutely take care of ourselves. If we can’t take care of ourselves, how will we take care of anyone else? But the point of marriage often is what we read in Philippians 2:3-4. We are not to do things out of selfishness but rather to think about the needs of others as more important. Why? Because this goes back to 1:27. This goes back to walking in a manner worth of the calling.

vi. Christians are called to be ambassadors for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20). We are called to be salt and light in the world (Matthew 5:13). If we take these titles from the Bible, what would it look like? It would look exactly the way Paul describes here, Husbands love your wives. Husbands, love your wives endlessly and tirelessly, sacrifice for them continually and sacrifice for them even if it means that you die for them. Do all and everything that you can for your wife. How? Ephesians 5:25, Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Husbands love your wives so much so profoundly, so deeply that your wife can feel the love of Christ through your actions. Husbands, give yourself up for your wife, be willing to sacrifice for your wife, where she can see and experience in her own heart and think to herself and know that her husband loves her.

vii. One of the greatest mistakes we make is we think telling our wives “Honey, I love you” means anything. Borrowing from James 2:14-17, our wives can only know we love them by our deeds. Just as faith without action is dead faith, love without deeds is dead love.

viii. What do I mean by this? How do we know the love of Christ? Do we know the love of Christ, or the love of anyone for that matter, if we just simply read a letter by them explaining to them that they love us? No. We know the love of our mother, our father, by the way they loved us when they showed us their love. We know the love of others not simply by words, even though they do have meaning. But we generally learn what love is when we have experienced it.

ix. But Paul doesn’t end it there even though he could have. Borrowing the language of 3:14, Paul says love your wives and don’t be embittered against them. What does this mean? This means simply, don’t be harsh. Paul is probably reflecting this tradition, urging husbands not to act with a heart of bitterness toward their wives. If we understand the context of verse 18, if wives are to subject themselves under their husbands, that means they are to follow their husband’s direction. This tells us that as the wife does this, this brings about unity.

x. Husbands are to love their wives because love brings about unity. The importance here in understanding unity means that there was disunity. Husbands can act in such a way where their wives don’t want to listen to them and follow them. But how do you win them? Paul is telling us that we can achieve this by the way we love our wives. How? Paul is easily help us understand that we husbands are to love our wives when you don’t want to love them. We are to love our wives when they are not submissive. We are to love our wives when they don’t deserve our love. We are to love our wives when they do things that upset us, hurt us, make us angry. And even when they do these things, Paul ends the verse by saying, don’t be embittered against them. Paul is telling men, don’t be bitter against them. Don’t treat your wives in a way where you use your anger to cause them to be upset with you. Paul is telling husbands to consider the needs of your wife before you consider your own needs.

xi. If we learn the simple principles given to us here in the word of God, we can be salt and light in this world. We can show other people what a marriage should be like. Not because we are so great, but because the Word of God knows the secrets to marriage because God is the one who instituted marriage. May we be a people who follow the Word and live according to His word.

3. CONCLUSION