04 - How To Have A Good Fight 2011

Ps. 101:2 “I'm finding my way down the road of right living, but how long before you show up? I'm doing the very best I can, and I'm doing it at home, where it counts.” The Message

Eph. 4:25-27;29 “Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” for we are members of one another. 26 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil. 29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”

In the last few weeks we’ve looked at:

The Danger of Anger

The Importance of Listening wisely

The Importance of Talking wisely

And this time we’re going to look at “How to Have a Good Fight.”

It’s no surprise to anyone here that the American home is under diabolical attack.

Consider the following:

In 1903, the divorce rate was 1 out of 100 marriages.

In 2003, the divorce rate was up to about 53%, or roughly one out of two.

The Bible says that “the curse without a cause shall not come.”

So, what has brought this “curse” of divorce and family breakdown?

Let me suggest two things:

1. Lack of God in the home:

At one time, about 70% of Americans attended some type of church. Now, about 30% of Americans attend church. Why should this matter?

While 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce, only 1 of every 1,152 marriages where the couple prays together and attends church regularly end in divorce? (source: N.A.M.E. – National Association forMarriage Enhancement)

A second cause is:

2. Lack of Commitment.

My parent’s generation was all about commitment, whereas, the current generation is all about passion.

Fact is we need both in marriage. But consider this statistic:

A few years ago, a study was done on couples that stated that they were having marriage problems and were unhappy in their marriage.

The researchers decided to wait five years and question those that had “stuck it out” in comparison to those that had “thrown in the marriage towel”.

Out of the couples that decided to “stick it out”, 80% stated that they were happy in their marriage.

Out of the people that had given up and got a divorce, only 19% said that they were happier after their divorce. (source: Institute for American Values)

Now, I want to add one more killer of marriages and homes—Poor Communication.

The mother lode of trouble in the home is due to faulty communication.

Faulty communication produces among other things, bad fights.

We want to learn today how to have a good fight; how to successfully disagree.

Shakespeare said, “The course of true love never did run smooth.”

It’s a fact of life that couples argue—even couples that are deeply in love.

So, to argue or not to argue, that is the question!

There are three ways to respond to each other in a disagreement:

Clamming up

Blowing up

Wising up

We want to learn to “wise up” today:

Dr. Scott Stanley is part of a research team at the University of Denver that has identified factors that accurately predict whether a marriage will survive or fail.

What he looks for is not whether a couple argues, but HOW the couple argues.

Two factors are especially dangerous.

The first is escalation.

Escalation occurs when a person says something negative and their spouse responds in kind, with an even harsher statement.

This leads to an argument that spirals to greater levels of anger and frustration.

It’s especially dangerous when one of the partners finally says something like, “If that’s the way you feel, maybe I should just move out.”

The other might respond with: “Let me help you pack!”

The second deadly factor in a marriage is invalidation.

This means putting each other down, calling one another names, or making personal comments or insults about the other, including biting sarcasm.

You invalidate the other person. You belittle them and attack their self-worth.

This is the kind of fight we want to avoid!

So instead of clamming up and blowing up, let’s wise up.

Here are some simple Bible principles for How to Have a Good Fight that actually solves the problem:

Don’t let problems simmer

A simmering problem is like a lit firecracker; though the fuse might be long, it will sooner or later explode.

The solution is to be mature enough to sit down and talk through things openly, with a minimum of excess emotion.The Bible says, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Eph. 4:25).We are commanded to “speak truthfully” to each other.

It’s harder on the front end to deal with problems directly, but it’s much easier in the long run.

Choose your battles wisely

You’ve probably seen the prayer on a poster that says, “Grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change.”

That’s a good prayer!

One of the major tasks of marriage is learning what can and should be changed (habits of nagging, for example) and what should be overlooked.

Jesus talked about how we can “strain at a gnat while swallowing a camel.”

We can make a big deal out of small things, and in the process ruin a relationship.

Church theologian Augustine left us a great little formula for peace in the church. It’s also good for the home:

“In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in everything, charity.”—Augustine

The essentials would be honoring the Lord Jesus in the home, church attendance, and so forth.

But non-essentials would be the ninety percent of things that couples bicker about that should be overlooked—the way your partner makes the bed or clears the table or butters the toast, or flips the eggs—the little mannerisms that bug or irritate you.

Don’t let the small stuff become fodder for a fight.

The Bible says, “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs (faults).”—Prov.19:11

Don’t say everything you think

The Bible warns, “When words are many, sin is not absent” (Pr. 10:19).

Someone once said, “Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.”

There are some things that are better left unsaid.

Prov. 29:11 “A fool utters all his mind: but a wise man keeps it in till afterwards.”

The fool blurts out whatever is in his heart without giving it much thought.

Without thinking about the MANNER in which he says it…

Without thinking about the way it will be received…

Without thinking about whether this is the time or the setting to bring it up.

Without thinking about whether the recipient is mature enough to handle what you are about to share…

A man of understanding doesn’t speak all of his heart until the right time.

Define the issue clearly

Before you fight, be sure you know what you are fighting about.

Ask the question, “What are we really arguing about?” “What is the real source of our disagreement?”

If the source of the conflict is not identified you will only default to another topic (“And another thing: Why do you always…!?).

State your feelings clearly

Rather than going into character assassination or the blame game, simply describe why you feel the way you do.

For instance, “When you are on the road and you don’t call me, I feel lonely and rejected.”

Or, “When you leave in the morning without kissing me goodbye it makes me feel insecure about your feelings.”

Make a conscious decision to keep anger under control

“In your anger do not sin’…. Get rid of all…rage and anger” (Eph. 4:26a, 31a).

Don’t let your anger get the best of you and cause you to do and say things you will later regret.

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).

“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel” (Pr. 15:18).

Don’t dwell on DOWNERS.

“Get rid of all bitterness…” (Eph. 4:31).Stick closely to the relevant issues—and try to end the fight.

Unhappy couples turn every spat into a slippery slope of one unkind word that leads to another:HE: I guess my mistake was looking forward to a nice dinner.

SHE: If you came home on time, you might have gotten one. You care more about your job than me.

HE: Somebody’s gotta make a living.

SHE: Yeah well, it was me that worked like a dog to put you through school!

That kind of arguing is one of the strongest predictors of divorce (escalation).

These couples veer off into heated, unproductive fighting over old, unresolved issues.

They resolve nothing and negative feelings rage.

In stable marriages, the other partner won’t always retaliate when unfairly provoked. Instead, they find ways to defuse tension:HE: I was really looking forward to a decent meal!

SHE: Your hours are so unpredictable I can’t plan one.

HE: There’s no choice. I’m under a lot of pressure at work.

SHE: Well, for tonight, should we just order pizza?

It’s not how you get into arguments, but how you exit them.

If you dwell on downers you will eventually sink.

Give up put-downs

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph. 4:29).

One of the sad facts of close relationships is that we treat the ones we love worse than we treat just about anyone else.

Put-downs are especially lethal when they attack an Achilles’ heel.

If your spouse has confessed to you that his cruel high school classmates nicknamed him “egghead,” and if, in adulthood, that still bothers him, that name is off limits.When your partner has done a chore, always show appreciation for the job even if the way it was done doesn’t meet with your approval (say “Thanks for washing the car” rather than “You missed a spot”). It takes only one put-down to undo hours of kindness.

The most gracious offering of politeness is to avoid put-downs altogether.“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (Col. 4:6).“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Pr. 12:18).“It’s harder to make amends with an offended friend [an offended husband, an offended wife] than to capture a fortified city” (Pr. 18:19 NLT).

Learn to call a CEASE-FIRE.

“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Eph. 4:27b).

An escalating argument quickly reaches a point of diminishing returns, and we’re better off saying, “I’m going for walk to cool down before I say something damaging.”

APOLOGIZE

When you do go too far and say too much, apologize as quickly as possible.

“…forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32b).13. Stay close to GOD.“Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips” (Ps. 141:3).Many conflicts with other people are not fundamentally horizontal but vertical.

In other words, if my heart isn’t right with the Lord, it probably isn’t going to be positive toward my mate.

If I become irritable or out-of-sorts with my spouse, it’s often because my heart is out of tune with the Lord is some way.We’re either going to harm or HARMONIZE. “Live in harmony with one another…. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:16, 18).When you have a soprano, tenor, bass, and alto, all singing the proper notes, their voice join together to create harmony.

In a marriage, you have a bass and an alto.

That is, you have two people with different backgrounds and different ways of looking at things.

One is in a man’s body, the other in a woman’s.

One has the mind of a man, the other the mind of a woman.

There will never be boring sameness, but neither should there be continual discord. If we’re going to enjoy healthy relationships, we can’t clam up or blow up. We’ve got to wise up, which allows us to handle our disagreements in a productive way.