02 - What Did You Say? 2011

Ps 101:2 “I will be careful to live a life without blame. When will You come to me? I will walk within my house with a right and good heart.”

James 1:19 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”

In the 1967 Paul Newman movie, “Cool Hand Luke,” a line was quoted that has since become famous:

“What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

That really says it all!

So much of the trouble and turmoil that happens in the home is a failure to communicate.

I learned long ago that 98% of church problems are communication based, and it’s the same for the home.

Most of us are about as good in communicating with our spouse as I am in speaking Portugese. It doesn’t come naturally.

It takes effort, trial, and error to learn the demanding art of effective communication.

Most of us were never taught good communication skills.

Poor communication leads to all kinds of misunderstandings and turmoil in the home.

Polls and surveys consistently demonstrate that the number one issue that can cripple a married couple’s relationship is poor communication.

It doesn’t take long for the honeymoon to fade and the consequences of faulty communication to appear.

Couples eventually wake up to the hard, cold reality:

“We don’t talk as much as we used to.”

“We fight more than ever, and I feel like we are growing apart.”

“I don’t know who you are anymore.”

These feelings result from communication breakdown which leads to communication break-ups.

So, let’s first look at what COMMUNICATION IS NOT.

Communication is not just talking.

Too many people think that communication is just SAYING A LOT OF WORDS, while it’s much, much more than that.

Still others believe that communication is just listening.

Some people never express how they feel or what they think.

They just passively sit there without ever sharing their own thoughts and feelings.

Neither just talking nor just listening comprises effective communication.

So if communication is not just talking or just listening, what is it?

Communication is the SHARING OF MEANING.

Communication has taken place when I understand what you MEANT TO SAY.

When the sender of a message is understood by the receiver of the message—good communication has taken place.

Communication experts point out that when you talk with another person there are actually four messages that can come through.

#1 . What you mean to say.

#2. What you actually say.

#3. What the other person hears.

#4. What the other person thinks he hears.

We’ve all seen this in communicating with others, right?

You’re in the middle of a disagreement or outright fight with words flying back and forth.

Finally, it devolves into something like this:

“That’s not what I said!”

Response: “That’s exactly what you said!”

Counter response: “Well that’s not what I meant to say!”

Response: “Well that’s what I heard you say!”

Counter response: “Well you heard wrong. Why can’t you understand me?”

Response: “Well why can’t you understand why I can’t understand you!”

And on it goes.

Before long the original issue is lost in a maze of charges and counter charges.

I love a statement that is frequently seen posted on office walls that reads:

“I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Real, authentic, effective communication between a husband and wife, or any two people in a household for that matter, requires two crucial things:

LISTENING TO UNDERSTAND, AND

SPEAKING TO BE UNDERSTOOD.

Let’s focus on the listening to understand part:

IN the Book of James, the Bible beautifully addresses the listening side of communication and points out three barriers that must be torn down if we’re going to understand our spouse or other household members.

“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” James 1:19 (NKJV)

James is pointing out that communication is a two-way street.

We must be willing to listen with a desire to understand what is being said.

James mentions three barriers that must be torn down if communication is going to happen.

The first barrier is apathy.

He says, “be swift (eager) to hear…”

When couples go to marriage counseling, it’s very typical for one of them o be apathetic about truly communicating.

This person is usually defensive about the counseling session.

Their body language says, “I don’t want to be here. This is a waste of time.”

True communication, however, requires us to tear down the barrier of apathy.

If we truly care about the other person and the health of our relationship, we will be eager (swift) to hear how they feel.

Now…Apathy like this can come from several sources:

Past hurts

Sometimes we are apathetic about listening because we have been HURT so many times before that we don’t believe things can change in the relationship.

We have given up hope. We don’t want to be hurt, so we don’t get our hopes up.

We feel like we’ve heard it all before; “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. Things will be different this time.”

Hopelessness leads to apathy.

If this describes you, remind yourself that with Jesus Christ, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

Yes, you will risk being hurt and disappointed again, but anything worth having is worth the risk.

Selfishness

Sometimes we are apathetic because we are selfish.

It is possible to get to the point where you only care about yourself—your plans, your pleasure, and your priorities.

This describes much of our narcissistic, self-loving culture.

It’s all about me, myself and I!

Our attitude is, “That’s enough about me, now let’s talk about me.”

If this describes you, then ask God and your spouse and other household members to forgive you.

Show how sincere you are by learning to eagerly listen to how they feel.

The second barrier to communication James mentions is:

Arrogance

James says, “Be…slow to speak”

To insist on doing all the talking is arrogant.

It communicates to your spouse that as far as you are concerned, they’ve got nothing worth listening to.

NEWS FLASH: It is arrogant to think that you have all the answers, that your spouse or children have nothing to contribute to the discussion, and that it is a waste of time to let them talk.

The Holy Spirit’s advice to every Christian home is, “Be slow to speak and eager to listen.”

This means learning to control our tongue.

The Bible says, “There is a time to speak and a time to listen (Ecclesiastes 3:7).

And again, "A wise man will hear, and will increase learning;" (Proverbs 1:5 (KJV)

Be eager to listen, slow to speak…

And finally, to communicate effectively, we must:

Tear down the barrier of anger.

James writes “Be…slow to anger.”

We talked about the danger of anger last time.

But notice how often this volatile issue is addressed in the Bible!

FACT: We must learn to talk about our problems without fighting.

Conflict is inevitable, but we can’t let anger poison the well of communication.

Peter perfectly describes how to avoid the wrong kind of argument:

1 Peter 3:9 says, ‘Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.’

There is a difference between a mature disagreement and an all out, knockdown, drag out, shouting, screaming, wall banging, blood curdling, hair raising, pet scaring fight!

The difference is in the tone you choose, the volume you use, and sticking with the issue.

The Bible says, “The beginning of trouble is like letting out water. So stop arguing before fighting breaks out.” Prov. 17:14

Arguing happens when the issue at hand is lost in a swirl of high pitched accusations and counter accusations.

“You this!” and “You that!” and

“If you hadn’t this!” Or “If you would have that!” or,

“You’re a this!” and “You’re a that!”

Kirby Anderson writes, “Each negative comment increases the level of anger and frustration, and soon a small disagreement blows up into a major fight.”

Healthy communication requires that we stick with the issue, keep the decibel level down, and avoid finger pointing accusations.

(MORE ON THIS NEXT WEEK WHEN WE COVER, “HOW TO AVOID A HISTORICAL, HYSTERICAL FIGHT).”

If we jump to conclusions or “fly-off-the handle” then we kill communication.

The Bible clearly describes how we must treat one another:

Colossians 3:12-15 (NLT) "Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful."

Resolve to do your part, with the Holy Spirit’s help, to tear down the barriers to communication by being:

Eager to listen

Slow to speak

Slow to anger