Biblical Responsibilities in Marriage

Scripture Reading

Ephesians 5:22–33 NKJV

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Wives

1. Submission is not about Value

In our corporate-based culture, we are so accustomed to authority based on merit that we can fall into the trap of thinking that every social structure has to be merit-based. However, God has assigned people different roles, not always due to merit, but simply because it works better when each person has their job. Marriage was invented by God himself at the beginning of time as society’s most basic relationship. Eve was created to solve the problem that Adam didn’t have anyone who was equal to him, so it’s not about who is better.

Rather, if two people are to cooperate, one person must necessarily be in charge. Why? Because it’s impossible for two people to always agree on everything, and in a group of two you can never decide things by voting. So if the husband and wife are to continue working together, one must follow the other one. It’s obviously ideal for decisions to be made by consensus, but what happens when consensus is impossible?

God made it clear by how he created Adam and Eve that he intends that the man should be the leader of his home. He gave the only law Adam and Eve both were responsible to follow before Eve was created, therefore Adam became automatically responsible to tell his wife not to eat the fruit, and Eve was by definition responsible to obey.

Thus, the command to submit isn’t about who is better; it’s about fitting into God’s ordained order of marriage. When each member of a family faithfully carries out the role assigned to them by God, you can expect that home to be a happy and healthy one.

2. Submission is Voluntary

Notice that Paul commands the wife to submit. He doesn’t tell the Husband to make his wife submit. The distinction is important - This is not forced obedience, this must be a willing following of authority. When Paul turns to the Husband, he doesn’t say anything about making the wife submit, even though that would have been a pretty popular thing to say. Instead he states what would have been a quite radical thing - Husbands, love your wives. So it isn’t your husband’s job to make you submit. It is your responsibility and God will hold you accountable, not him, if you do not.

Another point to be made is that God also has responsiblities for your husband. If you take charge, then you are getting in the way of God holding him accountable for not doing as he ought to do. It’s never a good idea to get in God’s way.

Finally, even if your husband is acting in disobedience to God, you ought to submit. 1 Pet 3:1-2. This obvious applies to unsaved men, but it also applies to Christian husbands who choose to live in disobedience to the Lord. You know your own husband; I’m making generic remarks that could apply to everyone. You know what words will and will not work. But once you’ve said your piece, you are not obligated to agree with him, to submit. God never expects you to sin, but there comes a time when the best course of action is to focus on being a woman of God.

1 Peter 3:1–2 NKJV

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.

3. Submit “as to the Lord.”

The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. This indicates (1) that God has appointed the husband as the leader in the home; and that (2) this leadership is intrinsic to the marriage relationship.

How much of what Jesus tells us do we the church have to do? all of it, obviously. If we pick and choose what we want to do, we really aren’t obeying Jesus.

Thus “as to the Lord” reflects that you aren’t submitting to your husband because of who he is, but because of who God is. You choose to allow him to take the responsibility that God will hold him to.

Husbands

Notice that there’s only three verses for the ladies, but you get seven.

The command seems pedestrian today - who doesn’t claim to love his wife? - but at the time it was a very radical thing to say. But this command isn’t about emotions, but about actions. How did Jesus love the church? He gave himself for her. When did he do that? when we were lovely? no, when we were sinners. Gentlemen, I’m sure you mean it when you say you love your wife, but can you say you love her as much as Christ loves the church? that’s a bit more challenging, isn’t it?

1. As Christ Loves the Church

Christ gave himself when we were ugly and repulsive to him

Negatively - so we would not have any “spot” or “wrinkle” i.e. sin, just as a bride makes sure she is clean on her wedding day? Sin is considerably more offensive to God than being filthy and smelly would be on your wedding day. Jesus didn’t ask us to cleanse ourselves, since we cannot. He therefore died for us so he could cleanse us.

Positively Jesus gave himself so we would be holy and without blemish.

Thus, husbands, the command is to love your wife, no matter what she does, when it’s easy to love her and when it’s hard. It’s an unconditional choice to do whatever possible to help her become the best woman of God she can be.

2. As Your Own Body

So how do you love your body? Do you love yourself because your so handsome? no, of course not. You love your body simply because it’s yours.

Now of course, you might not always make the best decision for your health, but even then, you always cherish your body. You didn’t eat those six hamburgers because you wanted to be miserable. You ate them because they tasted good, or whatever.

The parallel isn’t just a convenient analogy. The marriage relationship makes you one flesh. She really is your body. So if you love your wife, you love yourself.

Note that the Lord provides and cares for us in just the same way. He provides strength and help for the church, not because we are just that awesome, but because we are his.

3. Because of the Mystery of Christ and the Church

The parallel between Marriage and the relationship of Christ and the Church is a great mystery. Paul has already shown us why.

Marriage is a one-flesh relationship. It’s not like a business partnership which you can easily break when it suits you. So your wife really is part of you, not in a mystical sense, but in a real sense.

Christ and the church is also a one-flesh relationship - We are Christ’s body, so he treats us that way. Therefore we get a clue about what a one-flesh relationship ought to look like by examining a different one-flesh relationship, where God has demonstrated what it ought to look like.

It’s a mystery, meaning that this is new information God is revealing to us. Since the church itself was rather new, and wasn’t revealed in the OT, no one could have pointed out that the similarity between the marriage relationship and the relationship between Christ and the Church is much the same.

The classic passage about the definition of Marriage is the one Paul quotes - Genesis 2:24. Moses had just finished narrating the creation of woman. God made all the animals together, all out of the ground at once - a male and female dog; male and female cat; frog; etc. But he made Eve different; he made her out of Adam. Why? Adam was only looking for an equal to help him. God could have made one out of dirt just like he made Adam out of dirt. But God went one better, he made Eve from a part of Adam, therefore the whole human race is one. Eve wasn’t a separate creation, she was part of Adam. That means that God intended men and women to marry; animals just mate and that’s fine for them. But people are supposed to marry. It’s God’s idea.