communication 1

4/12/92

Basics #30

Communication #1 4 Rules of Communication

- sometimes its easier to laugh where we hurt (1st 4 trans)

- the good news is - the Bible has a lot to say about this

subject

- Eph. 4

- the reason we talk a lot about this chapter is because

it contains some of the most important principles of

growth in the entire NT.

- our desire is that each person from our church has a

"working knowledge" of the principles of this passage

- 1st three chapters - great doctrinal truths about our

position in Christ and the great spiritual blessings

associated with that truth

- Paul talks about our:

1) adoption as sons

2) sealing of the Holy Spirit

3) inheritance of the saints

4) exceeding greatness of his power

5) great mercy and grace

- then, Paul makes a critical transition in 4:1 - "I,

therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that you

walk worthy of the vocation to which you were called"

- 11-16 - talks about the place of the local church in that

process (develop)

- v. 17 - picks up the same theme (that he started in v. 1)

- don't walk like the Gentiles

- thats what we're trying to prevent as a church

- traveled with a missionaries' son from South Africa

(Marc Blackwell) who had visited a number of church

youth groups here in the states - "Christian

teenagers here don't seem to be much different than

the unsaved teenagers...

- listen to the same music

- wear the same clothes

- do the same things...no measureable

difference"

- I wonder, to what degree that describes many

fundamental churches, to what degree if any it

describes us?

- Paul is concerned about that and you and I are as well

- from there, moves into 3 critical verses for believers

to understand - verses 22-24

- NT principle for change and growth - put off/ put on

- prin. of replacement

- note primary difference between saved man and unsaved

man

- therefore, must be putting off feeling, sensual,

lustful habits of thinking and behaving and replacing

them with principle, truth, Bible habits of thinking

and behaving

- so we're not just talking about changing by quitting

- When's a liar no longer a liar?

- thief no longer a thief?

- (illus - rock music)

- with those thoughts in mind - Paul moves into a critical

area where change needs to take place - in our

communication

- INPUT - why do you think, of all the areas Paul could have

discussed, he illustrates the "put off/put on" principle

with the subject of communication? (hit on how the Bible

is sufficient--how God knows us and where we're most

prone to fail)

- read 25

I. Be Honest

- Paul says the first place we need to grow in our

communication is honesty

A. Not just put off lying, but speak the truth.

1. greek imperative, a command, "you speak"

2. people can't read our minds

- Paul said, "For who among men knows the thought

of a man except the spirit of man, which is in

him?" (I Cor. 2:11)

- that's why this point is so important. "Non-

verbal" communication is helpful but can never

be conclusive. We need to be alert to smiles,

frowns, voice tones, body language, notes, pats,

hugs, helpfulness, attentivenes, etc. But that

cannot be and is not conclusive.

- Facts can only really be known, and problems

dealt with, through openess and honesty.

- if thats not done--if judgements are made

without proper communication//

- the person making the judgement is wrong

(I Cor. 13:4-8)

- the person who failed to communicate is

wrong (James 4:17)

3. honesty is more than not lying.

- it is a commitment to speak at the right time

and in the right ways.

- you and I can all tell of stiries from

churches, families, or marriages that are

riddled with problems and bitterness and

resentment because people did not speak when

they should have spoken.

- we ought to view communication as a gift from

God but also as an obligation to speak at the

right times and in the right ways.

B. Speak the truth (cf. 4:15)

1. problems cannot be solved unless they're first

expressed.

- maybe we need to ask a more fundamental

question and that is - do you want to solve

problems and improve relationships?

- Some folks seem to "thrive on a fight." When

there's nothing to fight about, they'll

manufacture something!

- we'll talk in a few minutes about "how" to

speak the truth from some other verses, but

right now we're asking about whether or not

you're really committed to getting problems

solved and whether you're really committed to

"speaking the truth" in order to get those

problems solved.

C. Dishonesty is out!

- now please don't get defensive with me

- many folks hear that point and say - how dare you

tell me to be honest - I may not be much, but I've

always been honest, my daddy taught me...

Examples of dishonesty

1) outright deceit

- obviously we know this one, but what about

100% words?

- always - you always burn my toast

- never - you never take me out to eat

2) conflict between body language and tones and

the content of what we say

- wife upset, stomping around the house...

- what's wrong?....NOTHING!

3) disguising the real message, innuendo

- where the message comes through, but comes

through under the table

- "Nice going honey"

- "Its sure great to have you home"

- repeat first rule with points

- Q - how would you use the put off/ put on prin. to work on

growing in this area?

- read 26-27

II. Keep Current

- this is not going to be a "full-blown" lecture on anger,

but we do need to talk about the implications of these

verses to communication

- you have the amplified translation in front of you:

A. Get angry, but don't sin

"When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath,

your exasperation, your fury or indignation-last

until the sun goes down. Leave no such room or

foothold for the devil- give no opportunity to him"

1. lying is sin, anger may not be

2. anger is energy to use to solve problems

- as I said, we'll talk more about that in a

different lecture

3. anger is sinful when it is used to attack others

(Prov. 25:28) or self (stewing about the problem).

4. Failure to solve problems daily means we are

giving place, or a foothold, to the devil.

- opening the way to disappointment, resentment,

bitterness, and hatred.

- distorting subsequent problems.

- the issue here is - keeping current

- another way we could say that is:

B. Stop clamming up

1. cutting off communication by:

- crying

- threatening an explosion

- bottom lining

- or clamming up

- some folks won't communicate verbally, but

they're masters at the "slow freeze"

- (per. illus - family/BBC/marriage)

- according to this passage, that's a violation

of the Bible

2. Deal with problems today

- in today's words, we would say - "don't go to

bed angry"

- God says, don't let the sun go down on your

wrath

- many couples have violated that truth -in fact

they have allowed many moons to go down on

their wrath as well

- we can't clam up--we also can't "gunny sack"

(illus - green stamp principle)

- let me ask you to turn over to Matt. 6:34 to

see a very important reason why we must obey

this principle.

- read Matt. 6:34

- develop - "pile of problems"

while this rule is true and important - we want to put

this balancing idea on it:

D. Six questions to ask before bringing up a sticky

problem

1. Do I have the facts right?

- Prov. 18:13 - "he who answers a matter before

he hears it, it is folly and shame to him"

2. Should love hide it

- I Pet. 4:8 - love covers a multitude of sins

3. Is my timing right?

- Prov. 15:13b - a word spoken in due season, how

good it is

- 4 minute rule

4. Is my attitude right? Am I trying to help the

other person?

- Eph. 4:15

5. Are my words loving?

- Eph. 4:15

6. Have I asked for God's help?

- Prov. 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all thine

heart...

- read 29, 30

III. Attack Problems, Not People

A. Avoid unwholesome words (corrupt communication)

- opposite of edifying

1. words that attack the person's character

- Matt. 5:21,22 (name calling)

2. tears down, rips apart, or hinders growth

- James 3:5-12

James 3:6 - The tongue is a fire, a world of

iniquity, so is our tongue among our members

that it defiles the whole body, and setteth on

fire the course of nature, and it is set on

the fire of hell

- some of us have become pretty adept at cutting

words

- most of us would say that there was a period

of time when we developed a sinful habit in

this area

- for me - college - "cut down or die" - became

known as "Dr. Sarcasm"

- later - mom - "How are your teeth?" - "I don't

know, I'm not looking at them"

- said earlier - most of us have developed a

habit in this area

- now let me ask - when did you break it?

(attack the problem, not the person)

3. Clouds or by-passes the conflict

- typical argument (what were we arguing about?)

4. grieves the Holy Spirit

- Eph. 4:30, 5:18

B. Use edufying communication which encourages or builds

up

1. two ways we must speak the truth in 4:15 are in

love and to bring growth.

2. words that edify, gives grace (the desire to do

God's will) to those who hear

3. words that zero in on the conflict - they are

solution oriented

Note - This rule can be violated by tones and body

language.

- 2 transparencies - How could these be said better?

- good question to ask - the words that I've spoken this week

- have they ministered grace - or have they ministered

something else (edifying or unwholesome?)

- Prov. 18:21 - Death and life are in the power of the tongue

- Repeat rules

read 31,32

IV. Act, Don't React

- you have the definitions for the various words for you

there under letter "A"

- point is - all of the positive words in these verses

are actions, the negative ones are reactions

2. the natural tendancy of our Gen. 3 nature is to be

defensive about dealing with our own sins

contrast the Gen. 3 man from the I John 1 man

(includes "a" and "b")

- some of us will do just about anything before

admitting that we did anything wrong

(especially applicable to Christian servants)

- cf. Trenton - kids fighting - always "he hit me

first"

- "He committed sin #1, makes it right for me to

commit sin #2"

B. Actions (vs. 32) - attitudes and actions you must "put

on" to replace the reactions

1. definitions (have them in the notes)

2. you, through God's Spirit, must learn to be kind,

tenderhearted, and forgiving

- point is - must act instead of reacting

- Thermometer/thermostat

C. Conflicts are possible only if each reacts

Conclusion

1. changing habits is not easy, but it can be done

"that's hard" - Yes, but...

a. it can be done - I Cor. 10:13 - There hath no

Phil. 4:13 - I can do all ..

b. hard, but Prov. 13:15 - the way of the trans.

2. No matter how irresponsible the other person is, you

must act biblically

- you can't control the other person, but you can

control how you respond