Children and Parents

Colossians 3:20–21 NASB95

Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

1. INTRODUCTION

2. BODY

a. Children obey your parents (3:20)

i. Paul is continuing to speak about how the house is supposed to live considering being new creations in Christ. After speaking how the husband and wife are to act towards each other, Paul works his way to now addressing children. Paul starts off verse 20 by telling children, all children, to be obedient to their parents.

ii. One thing to take into consideration here is that this is similar to Paul writing to wives first. As I said last week, normally it’s understood as husbands are to love their wives first so that their wives can respond to their husbands in respect. But last week, we concluded that if wives were to be radical, if they were to put first their love for Christ, our conviction should lead us to submit to our husbands even if they don’t love us or treat us the best. Because of our love of Christ, we submit to our husbands because that is an act of submission and obedience to Christ.

iii. With that in mind, Paul now starts the section dealing with children. This does not mean that children should be obedient because of their parents treating them correctly, but rather, they should be obedient because that’s what a believer in Christ does. The best case scenario is that the parents are God fearing and they both want to honor Christ by what he wrote in verse 17. But even if they don’t honor Christ, Paul is addressing children that they should obey their parents because that’s what it means to be a child of God. We submit to God not because we have to, but because we want to.

iv. With that in mind, Paul begins this section by telling children to obey their parents. Interesting here that children can refer to young children as well as older children. We understand that it refers to the whole community of children, not just young children because it speaks of the fact that obedience is well pleasing in the Lord. This means that if the children are truly believers, it is pleasing in the Lord that they behave as one who has been redeemed. Some people have referred to think that this is saying that submission is pleasing to the Lord, as if our submission is something that pleases God. I believe that submission to our parents and submission to each other explained here in verse 18, and 20 is true, but Paul seems to be saying something different. What I mean by this is, of course that the Lord is pleased by our submission to each other, but Paul is saying that this type of behavior in submission is pleasing in the Lord. It means the obedience of children is appropriate behavior within the community of God that acknowledges Christ as Lord. Paul is saying, that when children submit to their parents, this is characteristic of how true believers in Christ act.

v. Paul is telling believers to live a certain way. This is what Paul wrote in verse 17, where he wrote that whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus. Everything that we do, we must do it for the glory of Christ and give thanks.

vi. So when Paul is speaking of children here, it can be old or young children because we know that you aren’t saved because someone is a certain age. Children can be old because in the eyes of their parents, they will always be there children. But children can also be young which is encouraging that Paul is addressing even young children who might not understand all the nuances of salvation, but can still be considered saved.

1. Why? Because salvation isn’t based on our understanding of doctrine. No, salvation is based on our understanding of who Jesus is, and even a child can understand their sinfulness and come to know who Jesus is. They might not understand the specifics of salvation but they can learn that Jesus was a person and He died for their sins.

vii. It’s interesting that there seems to be a difference here between what Paul wrote to wives in verse 18 and what Paul is writing here to children. Paul told wives in verse 18 that they are to be subject, to be under their husbands. That meant that they are supposed to lower themselves below their husbands. In today’s language, it’s better understood as “respect” your husbands. But here, in verse 20, Paul is telling children to obey. Now if we take submit and obey, they are similar but different.

viii. How are they different? Submission is simply to put oneself under someone’s control. But obedience is a specific form of submission. Submission can be general in the sense that it could mean obedience without specific commands. You can submit to someone without having to listen to them. You can go along with someone, but you don’t have to agree with everything. But obedience, this means specifically that if one party issues an order, the other party must comply. Obedience doesn’t give you an option to not listen but will always require compliance.

ix. So what we see with children is that when your parents tell you to do something, you must listen to them. This is why Paul follows by telling when children should listen to their parents. Paul writes obey your parents in all things. This idea of obeying your parents in everything is a difficult concept in the west because we believe that children have rights, and they have their own freedom. We agree this to be true, but we are talking about a scenario where the parents truly love their children and are not abusing them or are hurting them. Again, the context of this is found in Ephesians 5:21 where all actions must be done in the fear of the Christ. If that is the context, children must obey their parents in the fear of Christ. Knowing that Christ is Lord over them, they must obey their parents as if they are obeying Christ. This is what it means when Paul writes, “for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.”

x. But we haven’t gone over the hardest aspect of this verse. It says that children should be obedient to their parents in all things. What does this mean? Does this mean that we have to listen to our parents in everything? It’s important that we understand something to what Paul writes in verse 21. If we are to understand any of these passages dealing with the believer’s home and believer’s life, it must be understood through the lens of Philippians 2:3-4. We must be able to regard one another, the other person as more important than myself. What do I mean by this? I must make my decisions for my children as more important than the decisions that I want for myself.

b. Parents, encourage your children (3:21)

i. Interesting that Paul starts verse 21 by fathers. Now some people have said this should be translated as parents, but the problem this is incorrect is because he addressed parents in verse 20. Paul wrote that children are to be obedient to their parents in all things. Here, Paul writes something totally different. Just as husbands are the head of the home as we saw in verse 18, that same authority is given to the father in relation to the children.

ii. There is a striking similarity between verse 19 and 21. Husbands or fathers are called to love their wives so that they are not harsh towards them. Husbands are to act in a way where the wives are not bitter towards them. The husbands are to love their wives so that their wives submit to them. Similarly, fathers are to love their children so that their children do not lose heart.

iii. The word here for exasperate means to stir up or provoke. Paul is telling parents don’t raise your children to be provoked to anger. Don’t do things to your kids that cause them to have uncontrollable anger. Again, this command here is not telling parents to let their children do whatever they want. No, Paul is telling parents don’t cause your children’s anger to grow out of control. Don’t do things to them that would cause them to be exceedingly angry or frustrated.

iv. Before we go to that, we want to deal with Fathers, do not exasperate your children. Let’s deal with what this means and what it does not mean. Let’s start with what it does not mean. What Paul is writing here is telling Fathers to raise their children in a way that is beneficial for the child. What do I mean by this? Well, as parents we think that what we want for the kids is the best for the children because they don’t know what they want.

v. I remember when I was a kid, I always wanted to sleep over my friend’s house and my friend’s parents would ask me to ask my parents if I could, and they would never let me sleep over. They would let me stay all day and go home at night, but I was never allowed to sleep over. I didn’t want to sleep over all the time, but there were those times where all my friends would sleep over and I would ask my parents hoping they would let me because all my friends were sleeping over and my parents would say no. I don’t want to say that my parents were wrong in this because there are times now as a parent, that I believe there is a time for everything. But what I am saying is, sometimes, there should be room for exceptions and we should show our children that we love them and trust them. When we think about what is best for our children, we should do everything that we can to make sure they know that we love them. This doesn’t mean that we give them everything they want. But it certainly doesn’t mean that we don’t give them anything they want. What I am saying is sometimes we need to learn how to be flexible and do things for our children that they wouldn’t expect. Why? Because that helps them to know that we love them. It causes them to want to ask us for things that they want because they don’t know if we will say yes to them. But if our children think to themselves, I can’t ask my dad because he will never say yes to me, then I believe we need to ask ourselves if we are doing what’s best for them or doing what’s best for me.

vi. I am not saying that we should agree to our children sinning. I am not asking parents to comply and condone our children’s sinful behavior. What I am saying is, there are times as kids and even as adults that we want something from our parents and sometimes, we don’t let our children do certain things because we don’t like it. Therefore, because we don’t like it, we tell our children to avoid them. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s best for our children. We tell them to do it because it’s what we want, not what they want.

vii. Now as far as what this does mean is, Fathers are to make sure that we don’t raise our children to be stirred to anger. Fathers are to raise their children not only that their children are not stirred to anger, but so that their children don’t lose heart. This could be better understood as so that the children don’t lose motivation.

viii. As I’ve been a parent, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is, I must do everything in my power to make sure that I have communication with my children. I want to know everything that they are feeling, and I want them to know that I care about them. I want to make sure that they can trust me with everything even when they fail. I want my children to know that I support them in everything they want to do, even if it’s not something I want for them to do.

ix. As I’ve thought through this, I’ve come to realize that this is what Paul is telling fathers to do. There are things that we all want for our children. Why? Because we want the best for them. We want them to be happy and I believe all of this is good and right. The part we get it wrong is that we think they can only be happy the way I want them to be happy. If this takes up our thinking, then we will end up causing our children to lose motivation and lose heart. Paul is telling Fathers to always love their children so that their children learn to be obedient to them. The only way we can do that is by allowing our children the opportunity to fail and to grow. Even if we want the best for them, just like ourselves, they will chose to do what they want. We have to give our children the freedom to make their own choices within our purview. This means that our children must feel like we are always listening to them and supporting them so that they will obey us. If we choke them out, then they will not obey us.

x. This reminds me of Luke 15:11-13. This is about the prodigal son who said to his father, give me my share of my wealth and let me go do what I want. When we read this story, we can say wow, this father is a bad father. How could he let him do all of this? How little did he know about his son that he would allow this? Well, what’s the lesson in this story? This parable helps us to understand that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28).

xi. It is the same for us as parents. We must trust God and not think that we can prevent our children from suffering. Sometimes their greatest suffering is that they are trapped and can’t live their lives because of us. We have to learn to trust God and allow our children to grow not only as a human but as a Christian. We must teach our children to trust in God and that can only come through their own experiences. This also teaches our children that we are trusting in God because we are allowing our children to do things outside of our comfort.