Family Confilct

How do you deal with conflict in your family? Do you have conflict in your family? Family conflict can be tough to navigate and very complicated. Families as you learned last week are complex and depend on solid leadership. This leadership takes place in how you handle every situation. The good situations, the bad situations, and the ugly situations.

Two men who lived in a small village got into a terrible dispute that they could not resolve. So they decided to talk to the town sage. The first man went to the sage's home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the sage said, "You're absolutely right." The next night, the second man called on the sage and told his side of the story. The sage responded, "You're absolutely right." Afterward, the sage's wife scolded her husband. "Those men told you two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That's impossible -- they can't both be absolutely right." The sage turned to his wife and said, "You're absolutely right."

Family conflicts often center and are maintained on the “ I am right argument” This argument submits that no matter what happened you should hold your ground if you are right and wait for the other person to see it your way. This type of family conflict has buried many families with no resolution and devastated hearts left behind. Today you will see in 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 how the Bible calls a Christian to resolve conflict. While the tools you will learn today can be used in all conflict situations you will more readily use them in the family setting. Turn with me to 1 Corinthians 12:1-13

1 Corinthians 12:1–13 ESV

1 Now concerning spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be uninformed. 2 You know that when you were pagans you were led astray to mute idols, however you were led. 3 Therefore I want you to understand that no one speaking in the Spirit of God ever says “Jesus is accursed!” and no one can say “Jesus is Lord” except in the Holy Spirit. 4 Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; 5 and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; 6 and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. 7 To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. 8 For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, 9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, 10 to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. 11 All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills. 12 For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

This passage will be broken down into three sections today. First, Conflict resolution begins from a place of love(1 Corinthians 13:1-3). Second, Love is perfected from a placed of humility (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Third, Conflict is resolved from a persistent, perfected love.

Conflict is resolved from a place of Love

1 Corinthians 13:1–3 ESV

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is the central key to any and all conflict resolution. Love is the tool that allows a person to turn the other cheek, to look the other way, and to seek resolution.

William Gladstone, in announcing the death of Princess Alice to the House of Commons, told a touching story. The little daughter of the Princess was seriously ill with diphtheria. The doctors told the princess not to kiss her little daughter and endanger her life by breathing the child's breath. Once when the child was struggling to breathe, the mother, forgetting herself entirely, took the little one into her arms to keep her from choking to death. Rasping and struggling for her life, the child said, "Momma, kiss me!" Without thinking of herself the mother tenderly kissed her daughter. She got diphtheria and some days thereafter she went to be forever with the Lord. Real love forgets self. Real love knows no danger. Real love doesn't count the cost. The Bible says, "Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it."

You can win every argument with your family. You can let others know that you are right and they are wrong. You can do whatever is necessary for you to have the last word, but if you have no love it doesn't mean a thing. The absence of love drives selfishness and petty indifference. In your family conflict the absence of love ensures that you will always go for the win. Winning in conflict often times means that in the end you ultimately lose. Resolving conflict in the family starts from a place of love. Love is the key to getting past your own faults and attitudes to see clearly the resolution. Without love you will be steeped in deep and drowned by your worst qualities. One who refuses to approach a conflict from a place of love will allow their worst qualities to be magnified in the conflict. Anger, selfishness, malice, hate, slander, and more will be the path that is used. Love does not take this path and Love causes you to react in ways that you normally would not act.

Ephesians 4:31–32 ESV

31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

As a christian Love must permeate your entire being and be the angle you take on all situations. Conflict resolution begins from a place of love, but is not where the conflict is ultimately resolved. Conflict starts from a place of love and that love is perfected in a place of humility.

Love is perfected in humility

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 ESV

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love is perfected in humility. All of the characteristics of love presented in Corinthians are attributes of humility. When you perfect your love for others in humility the desire to win will leave and the desire to reconcile relationships will become the driving force. Humility is not simply being sarcastic. You know what I mean because you have done it too. You say something to be “nice” but you don’t really mean it and you know the response that is going to be generated and in many cases you are banking on that reaction because it can drive you deeper into the conflict and can make you appear to be the “nice” one.

Hunter and Aubrey are our oldest children with Aubrey being the oldest. They love each other and they are truly sweet children. They do however have their arguments and times where they do not get along. When they get into these situations they are very good at being the “nice” one. Many people would consider their actions to be passive aggressive. Aubrey will say something like, “let me go ahead and give you all of my stuff Hunter.” From an outsider position you might say wow she is not only willing to share one toy but all of hers how sweet can she be. Hunter will say things like, “I Love you Aubrey” from the outside you would think he is being sweet. Being their parents however we understand their goals in these statements and how they are trying to appear from the outside to be nice and kind while at the same time getting their way of aggravating each other.

They do not yet understand the entire concept of true humility and they are growing but have more to go. Christians are all growing and learning and we must all grow in our love and in order to grow in our love we must learn to be more humble every day. Love is completely perfected in humility. What does the scripture say?

Philippians 2:5–8 ESV

5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

This love of Jesus was perfected in His humility. Jesus was right. Jesus was never wrong. Jesus did not care about being right, He cared about winning your heart.

Luke 23:34 ESV

34 And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And they cast lots to divide his garments.

This was the very moment that Jesus could have proven that He was right and that He was the ultimate winner. Jesus could have shown the world that we were wrong. At this moment in time Jesus could have resolved all the conflict that surrounded him and ended the world. Jesus did not resolve the conflict with His force, He resolved it with His humility. Jesus did not reach for the worlds definition of winning but rather submitted to God’s definition of winning. Family conflict is resolved when a Christian approaches the situation from a place of love and that love is perfected in humility. This love then wins because it is persistent.

Conflict is resolved from a persistent, perfected love.

1 Corinthians 13:8–13 ESV

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Love never ends. A love that is perfected through humility has no end and it does not count the wrongs, it does not stop chasing after reconciliation. Just as God is continually chasing the world and desiring reconciliation we are called to do the same in our lives and more so in our families. Conflict resolution in families requires that one side humbles themselves in love and even if they are right they care more about the reconciliation than they do winning. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Romans 3:23 ESV

23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

God could exact His discipline on the World. God in all fairness and still being just could do what we all would have to see as right. Instead God chooses to give grace to a world that does not deserve it and misuses it. God continues to draw the world to Him through His deep love for each and every person. God looks past a persons failures towards His laws and wants a relationship. Can you do this in your families?

John 13:34 ESV

34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

You are called to persevere, to be persistent, to not give up on reconciling relationships. God does not say that if you are right then hold your ground and wait until the other person sees it your way. God calls us to reconcile as He reconciles.

The Greeks had a race in their Olympic games that was unique. The winner was not the runner who finished first. It was the runner who finished with his torch still lit. I want to run all the way with the flame of my torch still lit for Him.

The winner in Gods view is not the one who comes in first it is the one who puts himself or herself last. Conflict is resolved in families when the christian is willing to put themselves last and to chase after having a reconciled relationship over a win. When there is a winner in conflict someone is left to be the loser. Often times the winner is the greatest loser. Are you willing to take the steps necessary in your family to humble yourself and to resolve conflicts that have decimated your families? This is not simply a call to families it is an individual call. There is a God who wants to override whatever conflict has been going on in your heart towards Him. As a matter of fact He has continued to provide for you to help you, to chase after you. You are hearing this today because He is calling you. God wants you to know that He does not care about all you have done wrong, He cares about all you will do right for Him. Your past does not define the future that God has for you and just as He wants every Christian to flee from the conflicts and run to reconciliation He is calling you today. I have no idea who you are but God at 11:16PM on 1/28/2023 directed me to place this at the end of this message for you. He is calling you today, calling you now, He has given you the sign you requested and now it is time for you to make the commitment to Him. Conflict is resolved from a place of love, that love is perfected in humility, and that perfected love will never stop chasing after reconciliation.