Four Rules of Communication
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Introduction
Introduction
Play Video - It’s Not About the Nail
Many of us have probably seen this little clip since it first came out. No doubt we have had a laugh or two at it.
Truth is, communication is hard.
Relationships are hard.
This video depicts just one element of relationship, the way men and woman think, and it introduces us to the challenges of communication.
There is much to be communicated about communication. This will NOT cover it all.
However, this teaching, entitled “Four Rules of Communication” is a good place to begin and offers much help to guide us in our communication practices.
Words are powerful. They can bring life and healing or they can bring death.
Proverbs 18:19-21.
19 A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city,
and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.
20 From the fruit of a man’s mouth his stomach is satisfied;
he is satisfied by the yield of his lips.
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Death and Life are in the power of the tongue.
We all know this. We all have felt this.
Words can hurt, maim, and kill.
Words and encourage, soothe, and build up.
How we use our words IS NO SMALL MATTER.
And yet, it continues to be grossly neglected and abused in our daily lives.
Social media, internet, and the information age HAS NOT HELPED.
Where do our words come from? Where to the originate?
The heart
Our desires
Matthew 12:34-37.
34 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. 35 The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. 36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, 37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
James 4:1-5 also addresses the root of all our actions.
Words are not the problem. The heart is.
There is a war going on within our hearts, a war for control…if you help me get what I want, I will enjoy and appreciate you. But if you stand in my way, I will experience (and probably express) anger when you are around.” Paul Tripp - War of Words
What SHOULD our words reflect?
Our identity in Christ.
Our value in Christ.
Our passions and desires as FOLLOWERS of Jesus.
Where should we look to understand our identity in Christ? (Besides the obvious answer of scripture. Where specifically?)
Ephesians 1-3 is a great place to go.
Once you have spent time there, read Ephesians 4:17-32. Our understanding of Ephesians 1-3 has great bearing on our understanding of Ephesians 4:17-32.
Our lives WILL be marked by Christlike words, WHEN our hearts are marked by a love for God above all.
Our sinful words are a warning sign of the sinful, wrong desires in our heart.
Understanding this helps us in our communication breakdowns.
Obviously, we need to put off sinful desire and actions and put on righteous ones.
We need to renew our minds upon truth so that our desires and thoughts are transformed and thus are actions are changed.
As we begin to do this, we will see changes.
And then, the four simple rules will be helpful in avoiding miscommunication and relationship conflicts. These four rules will help in creating healthy pathways of communication.
Outline
Outline
Be Honest
Keep Current
Attack the Problem, Not the Person
Act, Don’t React
Sermon Body
Sermon Body
Ephesians 4:25-32.
25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Rule #1
Be Honest
Be Honest
Ephesians 4:25.
25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.
Colossians 3:9.
9 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices
We must put off falsehood
We must put off falsehood
What are some examples of falsehood?
Common examples of dishonesty
Outright deceit
Deceit - the act of deceiving
de•ceive \di-ˈsēv\ verb
de•ceived; de•ceiv•ing
[Middle English, from Middle French deceivre, from Latin decipere, from de- + capere to take — more at HEAVE]
(13th century)
transitive verb
1 archaic : ENSNARE
2 a obsolete : to be false to
b archaic : to fail to fulfill
3 obsolete : CHEAT
4 : to cause to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid
5 archaic : to while away
intransitive verb
: to practice deceit; also : to give a false impression 〈appearances can deceive〉
Particularly definition 4...
This can be done by twisting, manipulating truth or by outright lying.
More often...
Omitting information/details with the intent to mislead.
Not every detail of every circumstance has to be always be shared in every instance.
HOWEVER, purposefully omitting information because by so doing leave a different impression or understanding is deceit and dishonest.
Keeping a secret when it should be disclosed
Exaggerating an inappropriate times
Conflict between verbal and nonverbal communication
Distinguishing the real message; innuendo.
According to scripture, falsehood in all its various forms, is to be put off.
We must speak truth
We must speak truth
What does it mean to speak truth?
Speaking the truth means that one is giving the facts as they are actually without intending to withhold information which would make the message difficult or impossible to understand. Thus, while telling the truth does not require that one must share every detail, it does require one to give enough facts for the message to be accurately communicated.
It is not enough to put off falsehood.
We MUST PUT On truth.
It is possible to put off falsehood and not also speak truth?
No. Because if falsehood is also identified as omission with the intent to deceive, putting of falsehood is more than just not telling lies.
It is a commitment to truth that seeks to ensure that truth is honored, upheld, and present in all circumstances.
If you stop lying, but continue to withhold information with the intent to misinform and mislead, you are still dealing in falsehood.
If you put off falsehood, YOU WILL and MUST speak truth.
Why is it so critical to speak truth?
Let me give you a couple reason.
We must speak truth because problems cannot be solved unless they are expressed
We must speak truth because problems cannot be solved unless they are expressed
Note: How to speak the truth will be dealt with in Rule 3 (Eph 4:15, 29) and in the discussion of the “Six Questions.”
But listen…problems cannot be solved if their remain veiled in deceit and lies.
Problems cannot be solved if they are not revealed to be problems.
Problems cannot be solved if they remain unknown.
Listen, if you are not willing to expose a problem, lovingly and biblically, you have no right to complain about the problem; you have not right to hold a grudge, be resentful, or angry over a problem.
We love to complain, to make much of the problem.....TO OTHERS. This is gossip. This is slander. This is sin.
We must speak the truth because people cannot read minds
We must speak the truth because people cannot read minds
1 Corinthians 2:11.
11 For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
Healthy communication takes just that…communication.
Which means, words must be used.
Which means ideas must be expressed.
Which means issues must be raised.
Which means that problems must be presented.
Which means we must bring to light what exists in shadow and darkness.
Basic? Maybe.
But so many people walk around refusing to communication, refusing to bring issues up, but are happy and content to complain, to bear a grudge, and to harbor resentment/bitterness.
There is a good bet that people are holding on to anger over things the person they are angry with knows nothing about.
Not every offense against you in known by the offender
Not every offense against you is purposeful or deliberate
Not every offense against you has to be life altering.
Many can be addressed, if you would but either choose to address it or let love cover it (Talk more about this in a bit).
We must speak the truth because we are members of one another
We must speak the truth because we are members of one another
All four rules have a putt off principle, a put on principle, and a motivation (because we members of one another.)
The motivation - we are members OF ONE ANOTHER. We are one.
To maintain that unity and oneness demands and requires we speak the truth to each other.
To harm one another IS to harm ourselves.
To be dishonest with one another IS to be dishonest with ourselves.
We must speak truth because biblical love demands it.
We must speak truth because biblical love demands it.
Mark 12:30-31.
30 And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
If we fail to speak truth, can we say we are truly loving one another?
Why or why not?
No, we cannot say we are loving others if we fail to speak truth. No one ever profits or benefits from lies. Acting upon something one believes to be true, while it is not, only ever creates trouble and hurt.
It is not loving (selfishlessly choosing for another’s highest good) if we fail to speak truth.
What’s more, when we do speak truth, we must do so in the context of love....considering their highest good as our intent and goal.
Ephesians 4:15.
15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,
We instinctively think about our own needs and wants. We are primarily committed to our own welfare. But as we humbly admit our selfishness, we can begin to appreciate and rely upon the enabling grace of Christ. Paul Tripp - War of Words
The goal of communication, of exposing problems is....to grow up into Christ.
This means spiritual maturity.
This means oneness and unity.
This means that we selflessly choose for another’s highest good.
This means that if by communicating or how we communicate brings harm to another, we have failed at communicating.
The standard for both what we communicate and how we communicate it is the word of God.
But, we must communicate truth, lovingly, and we must put of falsehood.
We must be honest.
2nd rule...
Keep Current
Keep Current
Ephesians 4:26-27.
26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.
Anger is ironic in it’s affects.
Anger is not just polarizing among people, but within a person — within me. Ironically, anger in others offends us, while anger in ourselves comforts us — scandal and consolation, both wrapped in red. To surrender our anger feels like mutiny against our own heart. To store our anger for another day feels like a warm fleece blanket on a cool winter night. Marshall Segal
It seems odd, but it is true, that often we are reluctant to let go of our anger.
But, lets think about this verse for a moment....
How quickly are we to address anger and sin according to this verse?
Within the same day.
This does not mean we necessarily have complete resolution to the problem in the same day. That may not be possible.
BUT it does mean that we have to resolve as much we can, quickly, and that we have begun steps of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Why are we supposed to handle it that quickly?
If we fail to do so, we give the devil an opportunity.
We open the door to temptation and sin.
Nothing good will come if we let anger fester and grow.
Satan will always win.
Delay only make reconciliation harder, not easier.
One pervasive lie is that time heals everything. Time can definitely help in some circumstances — allowing our emotions to recede, releasing relational pressure, giving us perspective. But time by itself heals nothing. If we depend on time to heal what’s wrong in our relationships, we will carry wounds with us the rest of our lives. The truth is time can heal, but not without real, tangible confession, correction, repentance, and forgiveness.
Time may allow us to stop caring as much, or even to forget altogether. But that’s tantamount to putting a donut tire on when you have a blowout on the highway. It buys you time to get to a mechanic, but it was never meant to replace your tire for more than a few miles.
Marshall Segal
Countering the lie that Time heals everything...
Marshall Segal again...
One reason we hold onto anger is that, in those moments, we only trust ourselves to right the wrongs we have felt. We’re afraid if we truly give the offense over to God, we won’t get everything we deserve. So we hold on for another day, waiting for greater confidence that justice will be done.
Ironically, we take our anger to bed with us, where we will lie totally unconscious for six or eight or more hours. All while God governs every star and planet in every galaxy every single second of every day. We trust ourselves more than God, even though we can only stay awake for two-thirds of our lives.
The psalmist writes, “He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep” (Psalm 121:3–4). Solomon likewise admonishes us all, maybe especially the unrighteously angry, “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil” — and stewing over offenses — “for he gives to his beloved sleep” (Psalm 127:2).
Surrender justice and vengeance to God, who sees absolutely all, who judges perfectly in every case, and who alone can grant eternal life and punishment. God inspired a guide for our anger that only he could write,
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:16–21)
If Paul wrote this about our enemies, how much more should we extend such grace to our loved ones?
Anger is not the comforter it promises to be. It will consume and destroy.
It will also destroy gospel witness. Anger is the antithesis of the gospel.
Is anger always sin? Why or why not?
No. Scripture says to be angry and sin not.
Which means that we can experience righteous anger.
What constitutes righteous anger?
Anger that is directed at sin, injustice.
Anger that seeks to solve a problem but never condemn or judge a person.
Side note…Does “not judging” a person mean we can never point out sin, call them to repentance, or hold them accountable?
Of course not.
It means we do not pass sentence on them, but God demands we call people out of their sin.
Godly people are angry when God is angry. It is anger which is consistent with the holy and righteous character of God.
Righteous Anger, www.bible.org, Copyright ©1996-2005, All rights reserved. Bob Deffinbaugh
Check your anger. Keep current. Hand over your sinful anger to God quickly, trust him. Allow righteous anger to motivate to righteous actions.
Keep current.
Use anger to solve today’s problems today
Use anger to solve today’s problems today
Need to distinguish then, who you are really angry with. It could be directed at self not at the other person.
Remember, anger, like all emotions, are indicators on the dashboard of our soul. They indicate something is not right and call us to pay attention.
Anger can be a tool used rightly. It can compel us to act justly, to defend the innocent.
It can be used to expose sin in our hearts and call us to repentance.
It can be used to reveal areas in our lives we need to address.
Anger can expose problems and draw our attention to a previously unknown issue.
Anger can be used to compel us to solve problems.
Do not make excuses for failing to communicate
Do not make excuses for failing to communicate
We are excuse factories.
Own it.
Take responsibility for it.
When we fail to communicate, ask why?
Why are we resistant to communicating?
That in itself, can expose issues of our hearts that we need to address.
Frankly, excuses expose the heart.
Is there a difference between making an excuse and offering an explanation? If so, what is it?
Yes. Really it is in the motive and intent.
It is in the manner and mode.
At times, it may be appropriate to offer an explanation.
Other times, it is not. Takes discernment and wisdom
Must know the reason for sharing it
Must know the timing of sharing it.
Point is, take ownership of when you fail to communicate and deal with it accordingly.
What are some common communication cutoffs? Things that will stop communication?
Common communication cutoffs include:
Common communication cutoffs include:
Crying
Threatening an explosion
Using a “bottom line” statement (All I have to say is…)
Leaving the room or home
Be wary of these and be aware that they can be tools in someones manipulation toolbox…intentional other not.
Point of this passage though, is to deal with problems quickly.
Deal with problems quickly
Deal with problems quickly
Matthew 6:34.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Tomorrow will have its own troubles.
What do you think will happen if today’s problem is not resolved?
It will be compounded by tomorrows issues.
Do not let time pass before addressing problems.
We definitely want to keep current. However, there are some important questions to ask, some important considerations to make when you begin to thank about when and how to address problems.
Questions to ask before bringing up a problem
Questions to ask before bringing up a problem
Do I have the facts right?
Do I have the facts right?
Proverbs 18:13.
13 If one gives an answer before he hears,
it is his folly and shame.
Assumption is our enemy here.
Do you know what happens when you assume?
Draw on board so I do not have to say it.
Do not act until you are certain you have the facts....not assumptions or guesses.
Should love hide it? Is it sinful? Is it hindering growth?
Should love hide it? Is it sinful? Is it hindering growth?
1 Peter 4:8.
8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
What does mean that love covers a multitude of sins?
Consider an OT parallel...
Proverbs 10:12.
12 Hatred stirs up strife,
but love covers all offenses.
Hatred stirs of strife.
Hatred is on the lookout for flaws and offenses.
It draws attention to them. It flaunts them. Publicly parading them for all to see.
Love covers all offenses
This is the opposite of that.
Love is not eager to draw attention to the sins and flaws of others
Love seeks to deal quietly sin with others sin as much as possible.
Obviously, there are some things that this is not possible with, such as sexual sin, sexual abuse, but as much as possible, it is quick to deal privately with sin as it draws the sinner to repentance and reconciliation.
To “Cover” is to work towards forgiveness.
From Got Questions - Love covering sin means...
Love forgives
Love does not gossip about sin
Love protects (both by not unnecessarily exposing so to those who do not need to know it AS WELL AS by refusing to brush it under the rug and ignore it.)
Love does not ignore the hurt experienced but acknowledges it and forgives it.
Love chooses NOT to take offense at everything. It is not easily offended.
Some sins against us are not worth confronting. Personal slights, snide or ignorant remarks, and minor annoyances can be easily forgiven for the sake of love. Proverbs 19:11 says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” If we are patient, not envious or self-seeking, we are much less likely to even take offense. Acting in love means we put others before ourselves. Love can cover a multitude of sin in that, when we act in true love, we are prone to overlook minor offenses, tolerate the provocations, and forgive the sin. Got Questions
Love covers a multitude of sins. It seeks to deal privately with sin, but it does seek to deal with it. It choose to forgive, to work towards reconciliation, it is not easily offended, and choose to simply let some things go.
Is my timing right?
Is my timing right?
Proverbs 15:23.
23 To make an apt answer is a joy to a man,
and a word in season, how good it is!
Many a problem were made worse because the time it was addressed was all wrong.
When are bad times to address an issue?
Someone is sick.
Stressed out
Tired, falling asleep
In front of others/publically
On special occasions
If they are already angry or irritated
When there is a ton of noise and chaos going on
Is my attitude right? Am I trying to help the other person?
Is my attitude right? Am I trying to help the other person?
Ephesians 4:15.
15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,
Is your motive and intent right?
It is important to ask this question in everything that we do…which of course applies here.
Why is it important to ask this question?
Is it being done in the context of love? (Selflessly choosing for another’s highest good)
Just because you, in action, perform a deed well, if it is not done for the right motive, it is not done rightly.
Before confronting sin in another, it is ALWAYS critical you guard over your own heart.
Galatians 6:1.
1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.
Church, what is your motive for addressing sin in another?
What other motives might exist for why one might address an issue?
To express anger and displeasure you feel to make yourself feel better
To make them feel the pain and hurt you are feeling
To embarrass as or shame them
To feel vindicated and validated
Are my words loving?
Are my words loving?
Ephesians 4:15.
15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,
Give careful thought to the specific words you use
What does speaking the truth in love look like?
Gentle, compassionate words
Humble demeanor
Non accusatory
What does my body language communicate?
What motives are implied or revealed in my words and body language?
How is “Yeah, I guess so” different than, “Yes, sure!”
Or simply, yeah vs. yes.
Or even “why not” vs. “sure thing”
Words convey meaning. Sometimes the words we choose convey a message that is not loving, even if we do not intend to do so.
Problem is, far too many use specifics words purposefully to offend, to hurt.
Are you words loving?
Have I prayed for God’s help?
Have I prayed for God’s help?
Proverbs 3:5.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
It is not about you. It’s not about me.
Even if you are addressing an offense and sin against you…it is not about you. It is about God
Do you, therefore, not think he should be consulted?
Should I address this?
When should I address this?
How should I address this?
Show me the scriptures with which I should address this
All sins are sins against God.
Thus, when we go to address sin, we need to consult him.
Rule #1 - Be honest
Rule #2 - Keep Current
Rule #3...
Attack the Problem, Not the Person
Attack the Problem, Not the Person
Ephesians 4:29-30.
29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Communication is about problem solving, not people bashing.
Communication is about being united around a common goal…oneness.
It is never supposed to be about getting even, hurting others, or winning.
You win, when relationship is restored, preserved, and/or strengthened…when God is made much of.
How do we do this? How do we attack the problem without attacking the person?
Avoid unwholesome words that attack the person
Avoid unwholesome words that attack the person
Words that attack a person’s character
Words that attack a person’s character
What are some examples of words that attack a person’s character?
You are a liar - Reducing their entire character down to their sin
You are a loser
You are ____________
Why are such statements wrong and unhelpful?
It reduces the worth and value of the person down to the name given.
It does not address a problem but attacks the person and seeks to make the feel the hurt and pain you feel through their actions.
Matthew 5:21-22.
21 “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.
We can address a person’s behavior and use that to point out a weakness to be addressed.
Better than....You are a liar....You are lying and being untruthful. You have a pattern and habit of it and God is calling you to truth. You need to repent of the untruthful behavior.
It is not our place to attack their character or pass judgment on their value as image bearers of God.
Such declarations as “You fool” is to declare a person’s character and being as totally useless, unsalvageable, and not worth our time.
Name calling is not acceptable in any shape form or fashion. Frankly, not even in jest.
And it does nothing to solve problems.
The focus ought to be on the problem, not the person.
Words that tear down, rip apart, or hinder growth
Words that tear down, rip apart, or hinder growth
James 3:5-6.
5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.
How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.
Often words are used as weapons or to deter from the main subject.
We know the power of words. And sometimes, we use it as a weapon. We are purposeful.
Other times, we are just careless, thoughtless of the words we use and how they demean, hurt, or hinder.
If we were but a little slower to speak and quicker to think about our words before we speak, we might find less trouble in our lives.
Words that are careless attack the person not the problem.
A person who consider the problem first, will be mindful of the words they use.
Words that confuse the discussion or by-pass the conflict
Words that confuse the discussion or by-pass the conflict
Deflection.
Whether on purpose or not, this is manipulation to distract from the problem and avoid the issue.
Words not are not easily understood, seem out of context, need explanation, etc. These confuse the issue, distract, and lead the discussion off topic.
Words that grieve the Holy Spirit
Words that grieve the Holy Spirit
Ephesians 4:30.
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Anything we have discuss so far fits into this category.
Any unrighteous, unloving, ungracious words that hurt, deflect, or avoid the problem fit here.
Any words that could not, would not be uttered by Christ Himself.
Use edifying words that encourage others and build them up
Use edifying words that encourage others and build them up
Scripture [Ephesians 4] indicates that when people have communicated effectively, they are mutually strengthened, encouraged, and enriched. Wayne Mack, Your Family, God’s Way.
Our words are supposed to encourage growth
Our words are supposed to fit the need
The result of this type of communication is a benefit (grace) to those who hear.
EVEN WHEN we must confront, rebuke, or admonish, THEIR HIGHEST GOOD is the focus, intent, and object of our words.
It is not about destroying, hurting, or getting even.
It is about ensuring the the other person is encouraged to seek God in all that they do.
So you words soothe?
Do they heal?
Do they encourage?
Do they comfort?
Do they challenge?
Do they instruct?
Do they lovingly admonish or rebuke?
Do they confront and call us to repent? As hard as these kinds of words are, they are the most building up kind of words. They are not going to appease us in our sinfulness but will instead challenge us to be more like Christ, to be like Christ.
Do our words work as tools to make others more like Christ?
Do our words work as tools of the Spirit to make more authentic followers of Jesus?
Do our words reflect the heart of our Savior?
Like all elements of this, we need to renew our mind to accomplish it.
3 Categories of words
Words of affirmation
Words of affection
Words of security
These are especially important in light of the need for our words to at times rebuke and admonish.
When this rule is obeyed with respect to problem solving, words will be solution orientated and accompanied with the right tone and body language.
When this rule is obeyed with respect to problem solving, words will be solution orientated and accompanied with the right tone and body language.
Remember, we are attacking THE PROBLEM not the person.
In conflict, the other person is NEVER our enemy.
Problems are.
The adversary is.
Sin is.
We must be concerned with attacking the problem and not people.
When we are…our words, body language, and interactions will reflect that.
Rule #1 - Be Honest
Rule #2 - Keep Current
Rule #3 - Attack the Problem, not the person
Rule #4....
Act, Don’t React
Act, Don’t React
Ephesians 4:31-32.
31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
There is intentionality here.
Let all....
Be Kind...
These are deliberate decisions.
These are not reactions but willful decisions.
Too often in our interactions, in our conversations, in our conflicts, we get defensive, offended, hurt, angry, and reactive very quickly, very early.
Then, we say and do things that we often regret later because it was reactive instead of active.
We must be choose to ACT; Don’t REACT.
We must guard against sinful reactions in our hearts and in our actions.
We must guard against sinful reactions in our hearts and in our actions.
These reactions often happen before we can stop ourselves, even before we are aware they are happening. Those initial reactions expose what is in our hearts.
Bitterness: A state of resentment: a desire to think about and treat someone according to evil.
Wrath: Intense anger normally resulting in passionate outbursts.
Anger: Settled indignation or hostility that frequently seeks revenge.
Clamor: Loud screaming and shouting normally associated with quarrels and brawls
Slander: Profane or abusive speech
Malice: Wickedness in the sense of a desire to harm the other person.
So, how do we stop these things if they are so reactive?
We focus on GROWING in our knowledge of and intimacy with God.
We train ourselves in the calm periods so that chaos and rough periods, we are already prepared.
We must guard against our natural tendency to be defensive about dealing with our own sins
We must guard against our natural tendency to be defensive about dealing with our own sins
Genesis 3:7-13.
7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.
8 And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” 10 And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” 11 He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” 12 The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
This tendency has been around from the beginning. It is not new. But it is prevalent and powerful
Only an intimate, growing relationship with God, a walking in the Spirit and dependency on Him can accomplish this.
We need God to override the flesh and accomplish this.
Sinful arguments are possible only if each person reacts
Sinful arguments are possible only if each person reacts
With great boldness and clarity [James in 4:1-3] explains that if your wishes lead to conflicts in the home, the real problem is your consuming desire for your own satisfaction. Wayne Mack - Your Family, God’s Way
If both people in a conversation are committed to these four rules, an argument and fight, poor communication, is not possible.
Here is the thing, Church; when we EACH are committed to truth, to the Lord, to the Spirit, to Christ, to His word…when we each live humbly and repentant, our relationships will reflect the oneness that God desires, that Jesus prays for in John 17.
In addition to guarding against reacting instead of acting, we must be purposeful in acting.
We must seek to apply godly actions and attitudes
We must seek to apply godly actions and attitudes
Kind: Benevolent, helpful, courteous
Tenderhearted: Compassionate, sympathetic, affectionate
Forgiving: a willingness to pardon the repentant guilty person from moral liability and work toward reconciliation.
We are motivated by God’s forgiveness.
We are motivated by God’s forgiveness.
Eph 4:32.
32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
What is our motivation for forgiving others?
God’s forgiveness of us.
Can any sin be greater than killing the very son of God, the second person of the divine Godhead, the creator and maker of all things?
And whose sin did that?
If God choose to forgive us, who are we to refuse that forgiveness to others?
Refusing to forgive makes yourself bigger than God; makes the offense against you greater than ours against God
You don’t bet more blasphemous than that.
Conclusion
Conclusion
Be Honest
Keep Current
Attack the Problem, Not the Person
Act, Don’t React
If we commit to these four rules, we will find ourselves growing together to become more like Jesus for the glory of God.
Application
Application
What makes communication so hard?
Sin
Selfishness
Pride
Missing information/incomplete information
Not knowing a person’s heart
Our own mixed up motives and goals.
Our own emotions
What hindrances to honesty do we face?
Flawed perspectives/mixed perspectives of people and ourselves
Our own blindspots to truth, to reality.
Lies and manipulations of the adversary that ring close to the truth or contain partial truths so it is hard to see where the error lies.
Our own emotions and desires.
What steps can we take every day to value honesty and truth more?
Spend time in the word
Get to know God better
Spend time with God’s people, particularly those who push us towards holiness and do not idly sit by while sin is committed.
Focus on the outcome of falsehood and its damages.
Focus on truth and the fruit of it.
Prayerfully ask the Spirit to give you a great love for truth and hatred of falsehood.
How does the Put off/Put on principle apply to honesty?
We must put off falsehood and put on truth.
Truth and honesty can only be put on as we put off falsehood.
We must always replace a sinful behavior with the righteous one.
In what way(s) is oneness hindered through lack of honesty?
If we are not honest and open with each other, we cannot truly know each other and thus our oneness is hindered.
Why is keeping current so critical to healthy communication?
Issues and sin will grow and compound over time. Sin begets sin. If we are going to have healthy communication, we must have constant, ongoing communication. We must keep current.
Time does not heal all wounds. It may lead to indifference but healing does not necessarily come with time.
How can we/must we use anger the right way?
Anger alerts us that something is wrong....either in us or in what is going on around us.
Anger can lead us to repent of sinful thoughts, attitudes, or desires.
Anger can lead us to act justly in the face of a wrong.
Why is it so easy to make excuses when we fail to communicate?
Sin/Pride/selfishness.
Wanting to be justified, validated in our actions.
Not wanting to look badly before others.
Sin makes us defensive.
What can we do to protect against the temptation to make excuses?
Foster a humble heart
Foster a repentant heart
Maintain strong relationships with God people who will challenge us to keep growing.
Protect and guard our cherished time in the word
Which of the six questions is the greatest challenge to you and why?
What have your learned from the first two rules of communication and how to plan to apply it this week?
