Resolving Conflict
CONFLICT Conflict resolution is a task that many counselors must undertake. In the process of conflict resolution, they should not take the sides of any of the parties. But they must always take God’s side.
Conflict is resolved according to biblical commands, principles and practices. At the outset, all involved should agree that they will submit to the Scriptures as their final arbiter (binding arbitration in which man determines the outcome is unscriptural).
There may be legitimate compromises (q.v.) along the way (1 Corinthians 6:7), but never of biblical teaching. As much data as possible should be gathered. But there is more than data to keep in mind. Conflict may arise from pride, selfishness, arrogance or other sins. Along the way to a resolution of the conflict, the counselor should deal with these. It may be that in order to solve the conflict, a solution may have to be postponed until counseling sessions with various parties to the conflict have resolved some of these sin issues. But, resolution of conflicts must not be postponed indefinitely. In some cases, church discipline (q.v.) may need to be implemented if there is an unwillingness to resolve conflict.
Helping People Resolve Conflicts
BY LOU PRIOLO
All conflicts are not the same. In the Bible, we can identify at least three different kinds (or categories) of conflict—each one with its own rather unique solution. The solution to one genre of conflict will not work (in the long run) for the others and vice versa. So, as in the medical profession, if we make a mistake in diagnosing the problem, we will err in prescribing the proper medication or cure for that problem.
The first category of scriptural conflict I’d like us to consider has to do with differentness. God has made individuals uniquely different. These differences sometimes cause conflicts in a world that has been cursed by sin. Paul and Barnabas’ famous “sharp disagreement” is not attributed to either’s sinful actions, attitudes or motives (Acts 15:39). The same is true of the two women (Euodia and Syntyche) spoken of in Philippians 4:2 who were both exhorted to “live in harmony in the Lord.” Arguably, the fundamental conflict in both of these instances was the result of nonsinful issues such as differences in preferences or approaches to ministry.
The second category of conflict has to do with sinfulness. The Bible provides an abundance of examples of sin-caused human conflict. From Cain and Abel (Genesis 4:1–17), to Abraham and Lot (Genesis 13), to David and Saul (1 Samuel 18ff), to Jesus and the temple money changers (not to mention the many religious leaders of Israel who conflicted with Him; Mark 11:15–18), to Paul and Peter (Galatians 2:13–14), to John and Diotrephes (3 John 9–10), the Bible is replete with conflicts that were the result of sin.
The third category of conflict we see in Scripture occurs when believers have different views of what the Bible really says about a matter. Let’s call these conflicts of righteousness—that is, matters of righteousness over which Christians disagree. For example, in Romans 14, we see a problem between stronger brothers (who knew what the Bible really said about eating food that had been sacrificed to idols—that it wasn’t necessarily a sin to partake of it) and weaker brothers (whose conscience prohibited them from partaking, in part because of their previous involvement with idolatry which the Bible clearly said was wrong). Paul had to address both sides of the conflict.
The one who eats is not to regard with contempt the one who does not eat, and the one who does not eat is not to judge the one who eats, for God has accepted him (v. 3).
He exhorted the stronger brothers to not hold the weaker brothers in contempt (“Why don’t you grow up and get over your unbiblical scruples so the rest of us don’t have to put up with your weakness?”) and the weaker brothers to not judge the stronger brothers uncharitably (“How can you even think about eating something that was used to worship demons?”).
Now, what do you suppose is the solution to each of these different forms of conflict? I will attempt to answer that question in-depth in the next few pages but, for now, here is the short answer.
The basic solution to conflicts of differentness is forbearance: in the final analysis, both parties must learn to “put up with” those idiosyncratic differences that each finds tedious or irksome, even those that are not issues of sin. The basic solution for conflicts of sinfulness is repentance or change: ultimately conflicts of this type cannot be changed apart from the sinning individual agreeing to repent of his sin. The basic solution for conflicts of righteousness involves Bible study: both parties must study what the Scriptures (in their entirety) teach concerning the issue about which they disagree.
Sometimes these three categories overlap with each other so that implementing two or more of the aforementioned solutions will be necessary to resolve the conflict. Let’s takes a closer look at all three varieties of conflict.
Conflicts Resulting from Differentness Issues
When Paul asked the Corinthians, “Who makes you differ from another?” (1 Corinthians 4:7), “God did” is the expected reply. The Lord has given to each of us different abilities, skills, gifts, ministries, backgrounds, tastes, skin colors, genders, and even body shapes. Forbearance recognizes and accepts this fact as a good thing. Perhaps nothing drives this point home to us better than marriage.
Oliver grew up on a farm in the country over 25 miles from the thriving metropolis where his wife, Lisa, was raised. His father raised pigs and chickens and came to town twice a month only for the purpose of getting supplies. Her father was a big city lawyer who entertained people in his home regularly. Oliver’s family was accustomed to going to bed at 9:00 PM. Lisa’s (because they entertained so much) would routinely retire for the evening at 11:00 PM. He did chores on the farm (and at home) many hours each day. She had a maid and was required to do little more than make her bed and keep her clothes off the bedroom floor. Oliver’s family had to make do with little. They bought their clothes at Wal-Mart, drove old Hondas, never took vacations, reupholstered their furniture every eight to ten years. Lisa’s family bought their clothing at Brooks Brothers, Neiman Marcus, and expensive specialty shops, drove brand new Mercedes Benz and BMWs, vacationed frequently at their beach and lake houses, and routinely gave a couple of rooms of their furniture away every year or two to replace it with something new. Oliver loved sports—he was on the varsity football, baseball, and basketball teams at the local public high school. Lisa went to prestigious private schools (including several in parts of Europe), and had no interest in sports, but loved the arts. He loved to ski and go to movies and car races. She loved to dance and go to the theater and the symphony. He liked American popular and jazz music. She liked classical music and opera. She spoke five languages; he barely spoke English!
Lisa and Oliver are bound to have many conflicts in their marriage, not because one of them is necessarily a bigger sinner than the other (after all, it isn’t a sin to shop at one store rather than another or to prefer the symphony to a tractor pull), but rather because they are so different. And, different is good!
But, what time will they retire for the evening? Where will they purchase their clothing? What kind of car will they buy? Where will they go on a date? Where will they go on vacation? Where will they live? What kind of house will they buy? How will they furnish and decorate it? How much domestic help will they have? Attempts to resolve normal marital issues will be more difficult for them than for many couples whose differences are not so pronounced. But, forbearing love can make it easier.
The solution for these kinds of conflicts, therefore, is not primarily some form of nouthetic confrontation about the other person’s sin, but rather the application of loving forbearance. What does this look like? For one thing, it seeks to put the other person’s interests ahead of its own. It dies to self (and its own desires and expectations). It is willing to yield to the wishes of another and put up with differences of opinion and annoying idiosyncrasies for love’s sake and for the cause of Christ. It may want to discuss the matter—not with the goal of restoring a sinning brother, but rather to see if a compromise may be reached—in order to determine for whom the issue is a swing issue and for whom it is a fire issue.
Guidelines for Talking to Other Christians about Your Differences
Here are guiding principles to teach your counselees about resolving differentness conflicts. (They have been written in the second person to facilitate your training.)
1. Remind yourself that God made the other person with his own unique personality for His own purposes (that probably have little to do with making life easier for you). “But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise” (2 Corinthians 10:12). Guard your heart against making harsh judgments of others who have different or unusual personalities, temperaments, tastes, and values (though they be well within the biblical parameters for such things) than you do, those who are of a dissimilar social or educational status, those from a different race, those who have unusual medical or physical conditions, or those who have had diverse life experiences.
2. Guard against legalistic and judgmental attitudes that raise non-sin issues to the level of sin. “I’m the standard, and if you are different from me, you are not the Christian you ought to be.” This is the mind-set of those who make such rash judgments.
Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother, or judges his brother, speaks against the law, and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law, but a judge of it.
James 4:1
When you judge things to be sinful that are not clearly delineated as such (at least in principle) in the Scriptures, you wrongly judge not only your brother who did the misjudged deed, but also the Bible for not condemning the deed, and the Author of the Bible who “apparently” forgot to include it in Holy Writ. Think of how grave a matter it is to make such a presumptuous accusation against God!
3. Focus more on the interests of the other person than you do on your own. “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3–4).
4. Be reasonable (willing to yield to the views and desires of others). “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy.” (James 3:17) There is often more than one way to “skin a cat” or “ice a cake” biblically.
5. Be willing to put up with annoying traits of others. “Love … does not insist on its own way” (1 Corinthians 13:5, ESV). Ask yourself, “Is it really such an intolerable trial for me to put up with this idiosyncrasy? Do not others have to also put up with mine?”
6. Try to determine for whom it is a “swing” issue and for whom it is a “fire” issue. To “swing with it” is an idiomatic expression that means one can easily go both ways on a matter. I may prefer to go in one direction, the person with whom I am in conflict may prefer to go in another, but because I am a forbearing person, I will “swing with it—(it’s a swing issue for me).” If it means that much to you, I am willing to yield my personal desires to yours in order to prefer you in honor and pursue peace with you.
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.
Romans 12:10
So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.
Romans 14:19; see also Hebrews 12:14
A fire issue is an issue that, although not necessarily a sin would be very difficult for me to agree to do. Perhaps it’s a matter of personal preference, or taste, or enjoyment but for whatever reason, I find the matter objectionable (cf. 1 Corinthians 16:12). It’s not that I would refuse to do it if I absolutely had to, but I would really rather not.
One way to implement this guideline is to have both persons in the conflict assign a number to the issue at hand. “On a scale of one to ten, one being a swing issue and ten a fire issue, how important is this matter to you?” Then both parties can relate to each other their own assessment of the matter. “If the other person’s number is higher than yours, perhaps you would be willing to swing with it. If his number is lower than yours, perhaps he would be willing to swing some in your direction.”
7. Learn to let the peace of Christ call the shots (be the referee or umpire). “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body …” (Colossians 3:15). Over and over again, the New Testament emphasizes God’s desire for peace and unity in the church. “Now I exhort you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all agree and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be made complete in the same mind and in the same judgment.” (1 Corinthians 1:10; cf. Romans 12:16; 2 Corinthians 13:11; Ephesians 4:3; Philippians 1:27; 2:2; 1 Thessalonians 5:13; 1 Peter 3:8). These imperatives for believers to be at peace with each other are to be the ruling principles in all of our attempts at conflict resolution. Sometimes, for the sake of Christ, we must submit to the wishes of others. Be it a subordinate submitting to a superior, a stronger brother submitting to a weaker one, or one member submitting to another for the peace and purity of the church, Christ’s desire for peace between His children is to guide our interpersonal relationships.
Conflicts Resulting from Sinfulness
The next kind of conflict is those that result when someone sins against your counselee. All forms of unbiblical behavior (sinful words, actions, and attitudes) can and do cause conflict. Often these sinful behaviors may and should be “overlooked” (Proverbs 19:11) or “covered in love” (cf. 1 Peter 4:8). But when they cannot be, conflict is inevitable and usually necessary.
There are several key passages that speak of our responsibility to confront a sinning brother. They are Matthew 18:15–18; Luke 17:3, and (by implication) Galatians 6:1.
1. Conviction of Sin
Unpack for your counselees Luke 17:3. The operative verbal directive of this passage is to “rebuke.”
Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.
The word rebuke is better translated convict—“If your brother sins against you, convict him.” It was used in biblical times as a legal term to embody the idea of prosecuting a case against an individual so that he might be convicted for the crime which he had committed. It carries with it the idea of refuting an opponent to the point of convincing him (or if not him, then at least others who hear the evidence) of his crime. It is substantiating and proving that the charges made against someone are true.
Paul commanded Timothy to convict those under his spiritual care with the Scriptures. “Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; convict (reprove), rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction” (2 Timothy 4:2). He also told him to convict those church leaders “who continue in sin … in the presence of all, so that the rest also may be fearful of sinning” (1 Timothy 5:20). In fact, one of the qualifications for being ordained as a pastor in the first place is the ability to convict those who contradict sound doctrine (Titus 1:9). Bringing conviction, therefore, is a part of the responsibility of the ministry of the Word. Of course, when ministering the Word, the human agent must do so under the power of the Holy Spirit for the desired conviction to be effective.
It is also important to remember that there are all sorts of ways to convict people of their sin. For example, it may be done harshly and angrily or it may be done politely and respectfully. As a biblical counselor, it is my job to convict people. As a nouthetic counselor, I must do it regularly. With some people, I have found it effective to use the direct approach. I, myself, am a direct kind of person: “Don’t waste your time sugarcoating it. Just tell me what the Bible says and get out of my way.” With others, I use a much gentler approach. I may simply ask someone a question which is all that is necessary to bring that person to tears.
After citing Matthew 19:8, I might ask a woman who is contemplating a divorce, “Do you really want to demonstrate to God and others that you have a hard heart?”
“Have you ever considered how the harsh tone in your voice might be exasperating your son?” I might ask the father of an angry teen after reading Colossians 3:12.
“Should you really expect God to help you get out of debt when you are working so many hours that it has become all but impossible for you to ‘seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness’ ” (Matthew 6:33)?
2. Restoration of a Sinning Brother
The next passage you might want to consider in your discussion of the sinfulness variety of conflict is Galatians 6:1.
Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.
Notice that the genre of sin it is speaking of is habitual sin. It says, “if anyone is caught in any trespass”—that is, if someone is caught ensnared by a sin from which he is not able to extricate himself.
What exactly is it this passage is telling us to do to a sinning brother? We are to restore him. The word restore is a medical term used to describe the setting of a bone that has been broken. It was also used as a nautical term describing fishermen who would repair nets that had been torn. When used of people, the idea is to repair (make useful again) a Christian who has been overpowered by a sin. In other words, your motive for convicting a sinning brother should be to restore him, not to expose him, not to make things easier for yourself, not to extract personal vengeance on him by humiliating him, and not to manipulate him into giving you what you want.
Another important word in this passage is gentleness—we are to restore our brother “in a spirit of gentleness.” You shouldn’t try to talk to your brother about his sin when you are sinfully angry—when you are angrier because he has sinned against you than you are because he has sinned against God. Think about how you felt when someone spoke to you about your sin in an angry, harsh, condescending way. How easy was it for you to take that kind of criticism?
What did Paul mean when he added the words “each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted” to the restoration equation? There is an element of humility packed into the Greek term for gentleness. Paul was bringing out this nuance by reminding his readers that they should remember their own frailty when restoring someone—that they too are capable of falling into the same sin.
3. Winning Your Brother (Going and Showing)
Another passage I often utilize when counseling people in conflict resulting from sin is Matthew 18:15.
If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.
This is the first step in a series of instructions that the Lord gave us to resolve conflicts resulting from sin in the church.
Once again, the issue at hand is a matter of sin. And, again the person who is sinning is “your brother.” The next verb in the sentence is “go.” Like the Luke 17 passage, the initiative taken to resolve the matter is taken by the individual who has been offended (or at least who knows about the sin).
Another very important conflict resolution principle found in this verse (and the next) is the rule of privacy. Keep the circle of confrontation as small as possible. This principle is taught in the book of Proverbs as well.
Argue your case with your neighbor, and do not reveal the secret of another, or he who hears it will reproach you, and the evil report about you will not pass away.
Proverbs 25:9–10
Love seeks to cover sin, not to expose it prematurely. It attempts to win an erring brother, not to publicly embarrass or shame him. And as John MacArthur insightfully points out:
The more a person’s sin is known and discussed by others, no matter how well-meaning they may be, the easier it is for him to become resentful and the harder it may be for repentance and restoration. When he is corrected in private, and in a spirit of humility and love, his change of heart is much more likely. And if he does repent, a unique and marvelous bond of intimacy is established between the two believers, indicated by the phrase you have gained your brother.
In a healthy church, biblical confrontations occur regularly, but they rarely become public because every effort is made to protect the privacy of every sinner in the family.
The third conflict resolution principle we see in this passage has to do with our purpose (and even our motive) for initiating a conflict: to win or gain our brother. The idea is that as a result of the confrontation, we win our brother over to our side (really to God’s side) of the argument. But winning our brother involves more than winning the argument about his sin. (It is possible to win the argument but lose your brother in the process.) When one person sins against another, a breach in the relationship often occurs. The way that they relate to each other is changed. Something they had between them—something of the intimacy they shared and valued—was lost. When the reproof is “heard” (effectively received), the breach in the relationship is restored—what was lost is regained (or won back).
Conflicts Resulting from “Righteousness” Issues
The third category of conflict occurs when there is a difference of opinion as to what is the righteous thing to do in a given situation or circumstance. One person believes one course of action is best; the other thinks there is another way to go. Or, one individual believes one set of guiding scriptural principles apply, while the other is convinced that another guiding principle should “trump” the others. Basically at the outset, both parties believe that they are right (if not very biblical) about their approach to solving the issue. Or at the very least, one individual believes his approach is better (wiser or more biblical) than the other’s approach.
As counselors, there is one particular “righteousness conflict” that we are called upon to help people resolve more often than any other. It is parental conflicts concerning the disciplining of the couple’s children. Perhaps one parent believes the child’s behavior is really a minor offense that ought to be “covered in love” or “overlooked.” But, the other parent sees it not only as a serous problem, but one that is starting to become habitual and that the child must therefore be somehow reprimanded. Both believe they have scriptural support for their position. What should they do?
You say, “Probably the wife should submit to the wishes of her husband.”
Based on 1 Peter 3:1–6; Ephesians 5:22–24, and Colossians 3:18, you are, as a rule, correct. But does that mean that she cannot try to persuade him to her way of thinking? Not at all! Sure, she should let her husband know that she has every intention of yielding to him on the matter, but since she is also responsible before God for the upbringing of her children, she would like to have a full and frank discussion about things before she does so.
What might such a conversation look like? That is what I would like to lay out for you in the next few moments in the form of a few guiding principles. But first, let me remind you that the basic solution for “righteousness conflicts” is Bible Study. Both parties ought to investigate what the Scriptures (in their totality) teach concerning the matter about which they disagree. Obviously this third type of conflict may take longer to resolve than the first two usually do. Once again, the guidelines that follow are stated so that both parties can follow your direction.
Guidelines for Talking to Other Christians about Righteousness Issues
1. Confess and seek forgiveness for any sinful words, actions, or attitudes that may have exacerbated the conflict up to this point. “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16). Even when a disagreement is not caused by someone’s sin, sinful words, actions, and attitudes often creep in and make the conflict murkier than they would have otherwise been. Sometimes, the sinful responses of one or both of the parties become more of an obstacle to peace than the original difference of opinion.
2. Try to express the problem from both perspectives. The eighteenth chapter of Proverbs contains three very relevant verses about the importance of considering both sides of an argument.
A fool has no delight in understanding but only in revealing his own mind.
Proverbs 18:2
He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him.
Proverbs 18:13
The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.
Proverbs 18:17
In order to come to a mutually agreed-upon biblical solution, the exact nature of the problem must be agreed upon, up front. This is important so that both parties will have a clear understanding of how the other person views the problem. Sometimes, by stating the problem succinctly, the person who expresses it discovers a biblical solution he had not previously considered. And, sometimes verbally crystallizing the problem causes the other party to realize that the disagreement is over some minor issue that is relatively easy to resolve. Sometimes it is discovered that there are two (or more) different problems, each of which has a solution acceptable to both parties.
3. Determine what things can be agreed upon. Often there are elements of the conflict (and its resolution) on which both parties agree. Stating these things at the beginning of the conflict may give hope to both parties that a biblical resolution will be forthcoming because there is already partial agreement. Here are a few general things that should apply to both parties who are having a “righteousness” conflict.
• There may be more than one way to solve this conflict biblically.
• God wants us to come to a resolution to this problem as quickly as possible without either one of us sinning (any more than we already have).
• We both have a responsibility to “make every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).
• If we cannot solve this problem between ourselves, we may have to seek the assistance of another (mature) Christian. (In other words, they may have to let you help them resolve the matter.)
4. Search the Scriptures for any biblical directives and/or principles that relate to resolving the issue. The Bible tells us that if we ask and seek for wisdom, we will find it. In the very context of trials, James reminds us, “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5) Speaking of wisdom, understanding, and discernment, Solomon says, “If you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures; Then you will discern the fear of the LORD and discover the knowledge of God” (Proverbs 2:4–5).
Have you ever wondered why it says that wisdom should be sought after as silver rather than gold? Even though gold is more valuable, it can be found without much digging. But silver must be mined—you have to dig deep for it. So it is with wisdom. To find it you must sometimes dig deep into the Scriptures. It may take days or weeks. It could require the acquisition of certain tools (Bible concordances, dictionaries, and commentaries). It may take consultation with an expert (church leaders) to determine exactly where to start excavating.
Here are a few self-examination questions to help your counselees as they begin digging.
Question #1. Have we identified the problem in biblical terms? A problem cannot be solved biblically until it is first diagnosed in biblical terminology. The operative phrase is found in 1 Corinthians 2:13, “not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words” (NIV). Force yourself to think biblically. Don’t settle for less than God’s interpretation of the problem. If you want to find a lasting biblical solution, keep searching for the proper diagnosis.
Question #2. Are there any other directives in Scripture that must be obeyed in order to resolve this conflict (or solve this problem)? Sometimes, the resolution to this kind of conflict can be found clearly delineated in the Bible. That is, in order to resolve the matter, at least in part, specific scriptural commands must be obeyed. Up to this point, you may have identified some of them, but are there others you have missed?
Question #3. Are there any principles in Scripture from which a resolution to this conflict (or a solution to this problem) can be derived? Sometimes, the solution to a particular problem is not clearly delineated in the Scriptures and must therefore be derived from appropriate biblical principles. These are sometimes referred to as biblically-derived solutions.
A biblically derived solution is one that is devised in accordance with biblical principles by the Christian to accomplish a biblical goal for which no specific directives are given in Scripture.”
More often than not, “righteousness conflicts” are resolved by implementing biblical principles rather than by obeying biblical directives. Often, both biblically-directed solutions and biblically-derived solutions are necessary in order to solve problems effectively. But remember: A biblically-derived solution must never be elevated to the place of a biblically-directed solution. To not distinguish between the two by raising a biblical principle to the level of a command is to run the risk of being legalistic.
Question #4. Has anyone in Scripture ever faced the same (or similar) situation? The Bible not only contains commands and principles that are helpful for solving problems, it also contains a wealth of examples (good and bad) that give insight into the right and wrong ways of solving problems. It was for our assistance in solving life’s dilemmas that these examples have been included in Scripture.
For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, that through perseverance and the assistance of the Scriptures we might have hope.
Romans 15:4
5. In light of the “newly discovered” biblical data, propose what modifications you are willing to make in order to reach a mutually agreed upon solution. By this time, perhaps one of you has discovered additional insight from Scripture that causes you to consider a slightly different approach to the issue. Maybe one of you has been convicted that your position was not totally biblical. Perhaps one of you now realizes that there is actually more than one biblical solution to the problem. Perhaps you can together go back to the drawing board and come up with an entirely different, but mutually agreed upon, approach to solving the problem, based on the whole counsel of God’s word.
6. If the problem cannot be resolved in a pre-agreed upon period of time, seek, the assistance of a “True Yokefellow.” The Bible speaks in several places of Christians helping other Christians resolve interpersonal conflicts (be they the result of sinfulness, differentness, or righteousness). For example, in 1 Corinthians 6, Paul addresses the problem of believers taking their disputes to a pagan court system rather than resolving them in-house.
Does any one of you, when he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to law before the unrighteous and not before the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? If the world is judged by you, are you not competent to constitute the smallest law courts? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more matters of this life? So if you have law courts dealing with matters of this life, do you appoint them as judges who are of no account in the church? I say this to your shame. Is it so, that there is not among you one wise man who will be able to decide between his brethren, but brother goes to law with brother, and that before unbelievers?
1 Corinthians 6:1–6, emphasis added
And in the book of Philippians, we read of two women in ministry who needed help from another member of the body to get things between them straightened out.
I urge Euodia and I urge Syntyche to live in harmony in the Lord. Indeed, true companion, I ask you also to help these women who have shared my struggle in the cause of the gospel, together with Clement also and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.
Philippians 4:2–3
I sometimes relate the following personal testimony to those I train to counsel: “I am a fellow with the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors. This means that I have been certified not only to counsel by our parent organization, but also to train others to counsel and to help them become certified. But from time to time, my wife and I have conflicts that we are not able to resolve on our own. In such cases, we go to someone else (a pre-agreed-upon elder in our church) to help us resolve the matter. I tell you this to make the point that sometimes we all (even elders, Christian authors, and counselors) need true yokefellows to help us untangle conflicts with other believers.” If you have a similar accountability arrangement with someone, telling your counselee about it just might give him the motivation he needs to do likewise.
At this point, you will want to give your counselees a word of caution something to this effect: “If you are the person in the subordinate position, you may have to make an appeal to your superior in order to rightly implement this step. In other words, at this point since a resolution was not achieved, short of your superior agreeing to get someone else involved, you may simply have to submit to his way of doing things. The only exception would be in cases where you would truly have to violate your conscience in order to submit.”
How does it work?
Let’s take that previously mentioned common “righteousness conflict” as an example and track it through the aforementioned guidelines. Suppose a couple has a daughter (the oldest of their three children), age 14, who was just caught in a lie relating to using her cellular phone after hours. The father, Ricky, believes that the girl should be disciplined by losing her cell phone for two weeks. Quoting Proverbs 13:24, he says, “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” The mother, Lucy, on the other hand, believes the child’s behavior is a relatively minor offense—especially compared to the other teenagers she knows, and that the offense does not deserve any form of chastisement. She argues passionately that a simple talking to about what she did wrong is sufficient. She cites Proverbs 17:10, “A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.” But Ricky sees the offense not only as a serious problem (especially the lying), but one that is starting to become habitual. Therefore, he concludes that the child must be chastised because a simple talking-to will not work. They have been arguing for 15 minutes before Ricky takes the initiative to implement our conflict resolution guidelines.
As we unpack this conflict resolution process, please keep in mind that not only is there no single, exactly right way (procedurally) to solve this conflict, but also that the resolution to this problem (the end result) could differ significantly from couple to couple. This is, once again, because there is sometimes more than one way to solve a problem biblically.
1. Confess and seek forgiveness for any sinful words, actions or attitudes that may have exacerbated the conflict up to this point. Suppose, after being prompted by Ricky’s prayer that God would help them to solve this conflict peaceably, Lucy realizes that in the last few moments she has stepped over the line a few times by responding to Ricky in a disrespectful and condescending manner. She begins by acknowledging this to Ricky and asking his forgiveness. Ricky believes he has handled things biblically up to this point. But just to be sure, he sincerely asks Lucy if needs to seek her forgiveness. “Well, I wasn’t going to mention it, but I believe you interrupted me several times as I was trying to explain my point of view.” Ricky thinks to himself, “Maybe I did, but somebody needed to put a stop to the disrespectful way you were talking to me.” But because he is now in resolution mode, he restrains himself from throwing more fuel on the fire and instead acknowledges that he probably did interrupt her. Then he asks forgiveness for being rude.
2. Try to express the problem from both perspectives. Ricky suggests that they take a few moments to each write down their individual analysis of the problem in one or two sentences—and then compare notes. Lucy agrees. After a short while, she presents Ricky with this assessment. “The problem is that our daughter is basically a good girl who primarily needs to be encouraged to do the right thing. She doesn’t need to have her cell phone taken away from her because she may need it in case of an emergency.” Ricky puts it this way: “The problem is that our sweet little girl has become a teenager (who is wise in her own eyes) and is starting to rebel against our authority. She has started lying to us, and if we don’t nip this problem in the bud with some form of discipline, we are going to have a real problem on our hands in a few years.”
3. Determine what things can be agreed upon. “Do you agree that we are dealing with two different problems?” Ricky asks. “Do you mean breaking curfew and lying?” Lucy responds.
“Well, I would say it’s more like a pattern of blatantly disregarding the rules and lying.”
“She has only done it twice as far as we know.”
“I think it was three or four times. As far as we know!”
“OK, perhaps a bit of a pattern is developing. But I still think she just needs to be talked to.”
“I know. But right now, we are supposed to be trying to see where we agree, not where we disagree.”
“You’re right, Ricky, but I think there is a bigger problem than just those two.”
“Her rebellion?”
“Yes. There is something wrong with her heart’s attitude, and I don’t think punishing her is the way to get at it.”
“Sweetheart, we are still trying to determine where we agree.”
“Sorry. My bad. Do you agree that there is a problem with her heart that we have to deal with?”
“I do.”
“Good. So we agree about both the two external problems and one internal heart problem.”
“Yeah, but I think the internal problem is a rebellion issue.”
“You may be right. But there could be other things going on in her heart that are generating the rebellion—don’t you think?”
“Probably so. And you think that we’re not really going to get to them if we take away her cell phone.”
“Exactly! I agree that you know my concern.”
“Good; I wish I could get you to agree that the Bible teaches that parents should also discipline their children.”
“Well, I don’t disagree with that. I guess I just don’t think it’s the best option in this case.”
“Can we agree that it’s time to implement the next guideline in that chapter of the conflict resolution book we are reading?”
“We can.”
4. Search the Scriptures for any biblical directives and/or principles that relate to resolving the issue. “Can you think of any directives in the Bible that apply to our conflict?” Ricky asks. “I certainly can,” says Lucy; “Fathers do not provoke your children to anger” (Ephesians 6:4).
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I think if our primary means of dealing with her is punitive, we will run the risk of provoking her.”
“But, to provoke one’s children to anger means to provoke them by sinning against them somehow. Otherwise, everything we do that they don’t like is a potential provocation in their eyes.”
“I agree. But will you agree that this passage is applicable to our situation if only to keep us from doing anything that might be perceived as sinful from her point of view?”
“But what if her view is wrong?”
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that we will need to be sure to explain to her from the Bible why we are doing whatever we decide to do to help minimize the risk of exasperating her.”
“Sure, I can agree to that. Can you think of any other biblical directives we need to follow?”
“How about Luke 17:3, ‘if your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.’ It seems to me that God expects us to talk to her about this.”
“Maybe so—but she doesn’t always listen when we talk to her.”
“Well, then maybe we should look at Matthew 18:15–16.”
“Wouldn’t that be interesting? I mean, if she thought we were going to bring in someone else in to help us deal with her rebellion, it just might motivate her to take us more seriously. Can you think of any other directives we need to look at?”
“Not off the top of my head. How about you?”
“What about all those verses in the Proverbs that tell us to chastise our children?”
“Are they directives or are they principles?”
“They are truisms. But at least one of them is stated as a command: “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death” (Proverbs 19:18, ESV.).
“Any others?”
“I can’t think of any. But I know there are several other verses in the Proverbs that are relevant. And then there is the Hebrews 12 passage that essentially says that if you love your kids, you will discipline them and if you don’t, you won’t. I guess we will have to look them all up and see what we can learn.”
“That’s going to be awfully time consuming. What are we going to tell our daughter in the meantime?”
“We can tell her that we are studying the Scriptures together to figure out the best way to deal with her disobedience and dishonesty. And as far as the time factor, the benefits of this study should go well beyond the application of this little crisis. My guess is that this is going to help us get on the same page in lots of different areas as we become more one-flesh in our approach to parenting.”
“I know you are right.”
“I can’t believe that we are agreeing about so many issues!”
“Yeah; I was thinking the same thing. This is really cool.”
“What about her cell phone?”
“How about if we take her cell phone away temporarily except when she is en route to somewhere?”
“I can live with that.”
“Do you want to look up and study these passages together or do you think we should study them individually (maybe in our personal quiet times) and then come together and compare notes?”
“I think it would be more time effective if we each did our own research and then discuss what we have learned with each other.”
“Me too. How about we give it a week and plan on getting together next Saturday morning?”
“Sounds good. But if I get a really good on-site before then, may I share it with you?”
“Yes, but if I don’t agree, I would like to reserve the right to postpone the discussion until Saturday. Agreed?”
“Agreed!”
On Wednesday morning, Ricky calls Lucy from work.
“You’re not going to believe this. This morning I was tracking down the word “rod” in the book of Proverbs, and I came across a verse that might help us solve this conflict. It’s Proverbs 29:15: ‘The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother’ ” [emphasis added].
“Good, honey—but I don’t understand exactly how this helps us.”
“Don’t you see? Basically we are both right. God encourages parents to use the rod (some type of discipline) and to use verbal confrontation. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to look like, but I think we are closer to a solution.”
“Great! I can’t wait until Saturday. Let’s keep digging!”
“Absolutely!”
5. In light of the “newly discovered” biblical data, propose what modifications you are willing to make in order to reach a mutually agreed upon solution. On Saturday morning, after discussing several other relative passages, Ricky agreed that the best thing he could do was to begin spending time with all of their children several evenings instructing them on the importance of obeying one’s parents and of being a teller of the truth. In addition, Ricky was willing to start taking their daughter on a date every two weeks to improve their relationship and their communication.
Lucy agreed to try to spend more one-on-one time with all of the children during the day and to be an active participant in the evening “Family Time” meetings. In light of the Scriptures which Ricky brought to the table about parental discipline, she also was willing to support him if he really wanted to impose additional disciplinary measures. The only thing she asked is that their daughter be allowed to carry her cell phone when she was traveling from one place to another.
Since the conflict was resolved between the two of them, there was no need to implement guideline number six: seeking the help of another mature and godly believer. But let me at least give you a brief “verbatim” to help you see what this step might look like: “Sweetheart, we have spent many hours studying the Bible for principles and directives to help us get on the same page. We have spent five or six hours discussing the matter but are still not totally in agreement. How about we call brother so-and-so and see if he can help us resolve this matter. Or, is there someone else to whom you would prefer to go for assistance?”
I trust you can see how helpful it is to first determine the exact nature of a conflict before attempting to resolve it. Why not think back to the last conflict or two you had with someone and see if you can diagnose according to what you have just read. Then try to determine how you might handle the same conflict differently if it happened again tomorrow. And the next time you are trying to help two believers resolve their differences, please be certain that you begin by making the proper diagnosis. It could make your “true yokefellowing” go a whole lot smoother.
Issues
INTRODUCTION
Christ is present to us in so far as we are present to each other. We are born with a constitutional inability to live together in love; we achieve a precarious unity only with great difficulty and for a short time; there is a flaw in the very flesh we have inherited which makes for division between us. The very thing that should make us one, the fact that we come into existence as members of one family, is the source of our isolation. The nature in which we are born is twisted and tends to alienate us from each other. Whatever community we try to set up by purely human means, whether it be the family or the political community, we fail to reach real unity. This is the story of Babel; in the city built by men to reach to the heavens, the tongues of men are confused and they fail to understand one another.
St. Luke’s account of Pentecost shows us the way in which human community will be reached; with the coming of the Spirit of Christ, men who have hitherto been divided by language and culture come to understand one another. The teaching of the Bible is that the goal of mankind, real unity in love amongst men, can only be reached by dying to our injured human nature—the unity we have as members of Adam’s race—and rising again to a new physical human community in the risen Christ. The human race, astonishingly, is not destined to die out as other species have done, to be replaced by others in the course of evolution. It will be transformed and live eternally. Transformed humanity will not as a whole exist physically until the second coming of Christ; then we shall rise again with our flesh cured of its weakness and glorified by the divine life it will share.
Already, however, because of the resurrection of Christ, the new humanity exists. His risen body is the foundation of the new human race.
The central teaching of our religion is that we are not merely creatures of God. Besides creating us as the highest kind of material creature, God has called us to share in his own uncreated life. This share in the life of God himself is what we call grace. It is extremely important to realize that a creature with grace is not just a higher kind of creature—in the sense, for example, that a creature with intelligence is a higher kind of creature than one without. Grace does not make man a better kind of creature, it raises him beyond creaturehood, it makes him share in divinity. This share in divinity is first of all expressed by the fact that we are not merely things created, we are creatures who are on speaking terms with God. Because of the divine life in us, the Spirit of God in us, we are able to listen to what God says—this is what we call faith. Because of the divine life in us we are able to speak back to God. As St. Paul says: “The Spirit comes to the rescue of our weakness; for we do not know what to ask for in order to pray properly, but the Spirit himself prays for us.” (Rom. 8:26.)