Rekindle Your Marriage

Smoking Hot

I have a smoking hot wife! We are together most of the time and I love it!

Marriages ought to be hot! Husbands and wives should have times when the passion of the honeymoon is fanned into flames. Marriages also gain the beauty of maturity. If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know that there are ups and downs because life can be very challenging. The beauty of a loving marriage is that the 2 of you can take on the challenges and the rewards together.

It is important that we invest in our marriages. To experience what God intended for marriage, we need to get back to basics. We need to RESET the factory settings to what God intended.

God’s Plan - One Flesh

In our wedding (musical), we had the song Flesh of My Flesh by Leon Patillo sung. The first verse says: “You are flesh of my flesh/ Bone of my bone/ There's no one closer/ You are flesh of my flesh/ Bone of my bone/ We are one”. I was 19 and excited about marrying Cindy but I was not thinking deep thoughts about the lyrics of that song on that day.

The lyrics of Patillo’s song go straight to the heart of God’s plan for marriage – ONE FLESH. It goes back to the Garden of Eden and the creation of man and wife.

Genesis 2:24 NIV

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Marriage is often discussed in the context of compatibility, communication skills, myths about marriage, and responsibilities but I really think that the ONE FLESH ideal is overlooked and undervalued. Maybe we think it is unattainable. Maybe we think it is just physical.

In Mel Gibson’s movie, The Patriot, the father had to arm his children to fight against the British to rescue his eldest son. The boys had obviously been raised to hunt squirrel and deer but rescuing their brother was deadly serious. Gibson gave his boys simple shooting instructions, “Aim small, miss small.” In other words, aim for the bull’s eye and you will have success. I think that should be the goal for every marriage. “Aim for the bull’s eye – God’s ideal of ‘ONE FLESH’” and you will enjoy the fullness of marriage that God intends.

Marriage is More than a Marriage License

Valentine’s Day is coming up pretty soon, so this is a great time for those of us who are married to consider our marriages and do a ‘complete RESET’. To do a complete RESET we need to understand this concept of One Flesh.

“I Am Yours, You Are Mine”

In many of the weddings that I have performed, the couples have repeated the phrase, “I am yours and you are mine, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish till death do us part.” Let’s consider the words, “I am yours and you are mine”. There is an interweaving of relationship. It refers to a “Oneness”.

“Marriage was created by God to be a lifelong and exclusive covenant of love and dedication, leading to children and family, if possible, between one man and one woman. Covenant is the “invisible” foundation that makes long-term marriage possible. It is the secret to unlocking the mystery of “oneness” and the delight of fulfillment. The essence of covenant marriage is that two people become one. Covenant demands the death of two wills and the birth of one. “I” becomes “we,” never to be separated again. The Bible says, “They are no longer two but one flesh” (Matt. 19:6). That is basic covenant.[1]

Jesus makes it clear that marriage is a covenant, it is to be “One Flesh”.

Matthew 19:5–6 NIV

and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

The Gospel of Mark repeats the same statement. The Apostle Paul affirms it in Ephesians:

Ephesians 5:31 NIV

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

A Strong Bond

Concrete is made up of 3 ingredients: water, aggregate (rock, sand, or gravel, and cement). The cement functions as a binding agent that will make concrete impossible to separate back to its original ingredients. In marriage, people’s commitment to each other comes out of God’s commitment to us. God has promised to love, protect, cherish, and care for us forever, and that is a covenant that cannot be broken. Likewise, God has empowered husbands and wives to love, protect, cherish, and care for each other until death, and that is a covenant that should not be broken. [2]

Many of us know the name Dr. James Dobson. In his book, Love Must Be Tough, he spends the first 2/3 of the book talking about the strength needed to fix broken marriages. In his 16th chapter he talks about the components of a good marriage.

What are the mysterious ingredients that almost all marriages have in common? What accounts for the marvelous blending of personalities when two separate and distinct individuals establish a young family and then live together in love and in harmony for the next fifty or sixty years? Is anything of significance known about these long-term marriages that will help others achieve stability in a world of impermanence? [3]

His answer over the next few pages is that the mysterious ingredients that create the “bonding” is “the emotional covenant that links a man and a woman together for life and makes them intensely valuable to one another. It is the specialness that sets those two lovers apart from every other person on the face of the earth. It is God’s gift of companionship to those who have experienced it.”4

There is an old country song by the Statler Brothers called “The Official Historian on Shirley Jean Berrell”. The lyrics go like this…

I'm the official historian on Shirley Jean Berrell

I've known her since God only knows and I won't tell

I caught her the first time she stumbled and fell And surely she knows me just as well

I can tell you her birthday and her daddy’s middle name

The uncles on her mama’s side and the one’s they don't claim

What she's got for Christmas since 1952

And that's only the beginning of the things I could tell you

Cause I'm the official historian on Shirley Jean Berrell

I've known her since God only knows and I won't tell

I caught her the first time she stumbled and fell And surely, she knows me just as well

I can tell you her favorite song and where she likes to park And why to this very day she's scared of the dark

How she got her nickname and that scar behind her knee

If there's anything you need to know about Shirley just ask me

I know where she's ticklish and her every little quirk

The funnies she don't read and her number at work

I know what she stands for and what she won't allow

The only thing that I don't know is where she is right now

But I'm the official historian on Shirley Jean Berrell

I've known her since God only knows and I won't tell

I caught her the first time she stumbled and fell

And surely, she knows me just as well

Oh, surely she knows me just as well

The song tells the story of a couple that are “bonded”. They are the “one-flesh” couple that God put together in the Garden of Eden and the ideal that Jesus endorsed in His ministry among us.

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. Simone Signoret[4]

In One Flesh covenants both the individuals in the relationship are exposed. They know what makes the other laugh…and cry.

Although we live in a contractual society, God knew that people could not build marriage solely on a private contract—something that can be canceled and cast aside on the basis of personal whims and weaknesses, though not without consequences. He knew that a contract would not sustain the relationship of two imperfect human beings through all the pain, pitfalls, and pressures of marriage. For marriage to be long-term and go the distance, it must be grounded in more than a piece of paper. It requires the supernatural merging of lives and the binding of hearts. [5]

Sustaining the One Flesh Marriage

There is no couple here that cannot enjoy the benefits of the “One Flesh” marriage. Many couples are no longer in their first marriages due to death or divorce. This does not mean that you cannot enjoy God’s design. In fact, now should be the opportunity for you in Christ to enjoy a One Flesh marriage.

Place More Emphasis on the Truth that Marriage is Sacred

I don’t have to tell you that marriage has become cheap and dispensable. I realize that I am preaching a message that is completely counter cultural.

• "There no longer seems to be much of a stigma attached to divorce; it is now seen as an unavoidable rite of passage," the researcher indicated.

• There is also evidence that many young people are moving toward embracing the idea of serial marriage, in which a person gets married two or three times, seeking a different partner for each phase of their adult life."

• The definition of marriage should be extended to same sex marriages

• Until recently Facebook offered 58 gender selections, now it is ‘fill-in the blank’. Some have suggested there are 112.[6]

In the Bible a covenant was the most serious, the most sacred, and the most solemn agreement that could be made between human beings. It is a sacred act for a man and a woman to enter into a covenant relationship before God, family, and friends. God holds us accountable for the vows we make to each other on our wedding day. Promises made at the wedding altar allow entrance into a sacred covenant the terms of which are witnessed by God Himself. Christian marriage is a triangle—it takes three for two to become one.[7]

“I Am Yours and You Are Mine” is About Sacrifice

If marriage were about contracts, each party would be self-interested in what they got out of the deal. God’s ideal for marriage is a covenant where the husband says, “I am giving myself to you unconditionally” and the wife responds in the same way. The focus is on giving, even during the inevitable times in marriage when one or both partners are getting nothing in return.[8]

There is no such thing as covenant without sacrifice, and marriage is designed to be the most sacrificial of all relationships. Covenant represents total surrender and involves the merging of one’s life into another. This biblical image of “two becoming one” does not deny personal identity, but it allows the development of a wonderful diversity.

Selfishness is usually the root cause of all marital conflicts. Therefore, the key to a successful and lasting marriage is for the individuals’ wills to die. It takes a lot of dying for a marriage to live. “Me-ness” must become “we-ness.” The more unselfish we are, the happier we will be in our marriage.[9]

“One Flesh” Marriages Are Filled with Joy

It is true that marriage is sacred and that good marriages are the ones where the couples sacrificially love one another. But…instead of these things sounding intellectual and/or religious, your marriage ought to be filled with joy.

Dobson uses an observation from Dr. Donald Joy and Dr. Desmond Morris in their book Intimate Behavior. They noticed a pattern during dating and early marriage:

1. Eye to body

2. Eye to eye

3. Voice to voice

4. Hand to hand

5. Hand to shoulder

6. Hand to waist

7. Face to face

8. Hand to head

9. Hand to body (may want to generalize the next 3)

10. Mouth to breast

11. Touching below the waist

12. Intercourse

This progression is emotional and physical. A marriage won’t be truly “One Flesh” without loving one another completely both physically and emotionally. After God created man and woman, He placed them together

Genesis 2:22–24 NIV

Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Physically and emotionally, they perfected one another. Sure, there are a lot of complications involved in marriage, but you must admit that God’s design is wonderful. We can get overwhelmed by certain things, but what God has put together, let no man tear apart.

I hope that the message today has offered you hope and set up a target for your marriage. There are tons of helpful resources to develop the “One Flesh” marriage that God intended. Right now would be the best moment for you to begin with a fresh commitment to your wife/husband at the altar this morning. Let the Holy Spirit empower your marriage to be what God intended it to be.

[1]Tim Clinton and John Trent, The Quick-Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009), 88–89. [2] Tim Clinton and John Trent, The Quick-Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009), 88–89. [3]Dobson, James Dr. Love Must Be Tough. 1996. Pages 215- 4 Ibid. pg 216. [4] Tim Clinton and John Trent, The Quick-Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009), 90. [5]Tim Clinton and John Trent, The Quick-Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009), 88–89. [6]Barna, George. [7]Tim Clinton and John Trent, The Quick-Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009), 90. [8] Ibid. [9] Tim Clinton and John Trent, The Quick-Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009), 90–91.