Masculinity is Not Toxic

2 Samuel 10:9–12 (KJV 1900)

When Joab saw that the front of the battle was against him before and behind, he chose of all the choice men of Israel, and put them in array against the Syrians:

And the rest of the people he delivered into the hand of Abishai his brother, that he might put them in array against the children of Ammon.

And he said, If the Syrians be too strong for me, then thou shalt help me: but if the children of Ammon be too strong for thee, then I will come and help thee.

Be of good courage, and let us play the men for our people, and for the cities of our God: and the Lord do that which seemeth him good.

Introduction

Growing up we had some strong movies, didn’t we?

Here I go with my old references again, but hear me out....

I’m talking about Brave Heart. How many of you remember that movie? William Wallace leads his men into battle against England. What an inspiring movie.

Do you remember watching the movie Glory? Oh man, a young Denzel! What an incredible movie.

Do you all remember Last of the Mohicans? Oh they just don’t make them like that anymore!

OK, one more, one more… How about Gladiator? Man, I watched Gladiator more times than I can remember. Do you remember the famous line from Gladiator? I have to quote it. HAVE TO.

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”

What a line! They don’t write lines like that anymore...

And I think what made those movies special was these were just guys. They were men.

They weren’t Superheroes. They didn’t have super powers. They didn’t have vibranium, or an Ironman suit, or have super serum running through their veins. And I don’t mean this as a clap on Marvel, but this generation has Superheroes and we just had dudes.

Strong, Masculine, Husbands and Fathers who did incredible things...

Transition

And I say that because when we get to our text today, we have a scene right out of a movie!

Joab is one of King David’s fiercest warriors, and his brother Abishai was no different. Before there was a Nick and Nate Diaz, there was Joab and Abishai. These guys were strong men. These men were warriors. These men led men.

They are Alphas.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

And here in the text they our outnumbered, and they are seemingly overwhelmed by their enemy the Syrians and the Ammonites. Then Joab gives this line that is right up there with anything we’ve ever seen in a movie, and it’s in our Bible.

Let me read it to you one more time.

“Be of good courage, and let us play the man for our people, and the cities of God: and the Lord do that which seemeth him good.”

Where are all the men?

As we kick off this series, I thought it was so important to talk to men today.

Now, this isn’t just a talk to men, this is for everyone here. But the reason I want to talk about this is because there has been a shift in the culture, and yet God’s word has remained unchanged.

And the shift is this… culture is saying Masculinity is Toxic, and yet the Bible calls men up to Masculinity.

So which is right? What do we listen to?

And, before any of you tune me out thinking that this is a message just to men, back in 2019 I preached a message called, “The Truth About Men.” And prior to COVID and the content we released when everyone was locked up in their homes, this was the most watched message.

So there is a need for these kinds of messages and we have to take this one straight ahead.

Are you ready to go?

Let’s go.

The Fatherlessness Problem

In a study conducted by fatherhood.org, There was some alarming statistics about children who were growing up without fathers. Here are the statistics from fatherhood.org:

are four times more likely to live in poverty

are more likely to suffer emotional and behavioral problems

have higher levels of aggressive behavior than children born into married homes

have two times the risk of infant mortality

are more likely to go to prison. Only one in five prison inmates grew up with their father present.

are twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity.

And conversely… here is what all of the study, and all of the data points to:

“When a father is present, emotionally healthy, and involved in his child’s life, the child has a tremendous advantage in the world to navigate its complexities and challenges with joy and confidence.”

Having said this, I believe that broken homes and fatherlessness is an attack of the enemy, and this attack is disguised from generation to generation, but the end goal is alway the same - homes without a father.

Break the man, and you break the home.

Broken Masculinity

Now as we talk about this call to Masculinity we need to talk about the current trick of the enemy, and that is say that Masculinity, and what I believe the Bible calls men up to, is toxic.

There is an implication with this phrase that being masculine is toxic. And that could not be further from the truth.

There is broken masculinity. But masculinity in and of itself is not toxic. And we cannot impose a broken label onto a role that God is calling men to step into.

So, what is broken Masculinity?

abuse, pain and an unhealthy hierarchy that diminishes women (And I want to pause and let you know that next week I am preaching a message called The Future is Male and Female, and it will address the hierarchy of relationships, so get here for that one)

broken masculinity birth the #metoo movement

broken masculinity perpetuated a rape culture on college campuses and the pornification of our lives

So is there a problem with broken masculinity? Absolutely.

And the enemy is working over time to confuse broken masculinity with biblical masculinity.

Biblical Masculinity

One of the reason that I am so adamant about study of the Bible and proper theology training is that so many in the church have no idea what the Bible says. In fact, we listen more to what people say about the Bible rather than reading and knowing the Bible for ourselves.

When I read the Bible, here is what I find as descriptors of Biblical Masculinity.

Masculinity smashes hierarchies

Masculinity stands up for those who are in the margins and are helpless

Leads man into lives there they are stopping abuse from happening.

What is Needed?

But is study of the Bible alone? No, that alone will not get us to where we need to be. There are two things required to call boys and men into Masculinity. Fathers and Mentors.

First is Fathers. As I said a minute ago, we need a biblical masculine, father in the home. A father that will love and serve his wife. A father who gives himself to his wife as Christ gave himself to the Church. A father that doesn’t just have kids, but a father who disciples and trains their kids. A father who will initiate their children from boyhood to manhood. Who come along his wife to initiate his daughter from being a girl, to becoming a woman.

The second thing a man needs is a tribe of mentors. This is not optional. You need mentors in your life that will fill the gaps of your father. Fathers have gaps. It doesn’t make them bad, it makes them a person. Maybe your father was present, but he lacked discipline in his money, so go get a mentor that will help you in that area. Maybe your father lacked discipline in his health, so go get yourself a mentor in that area.

Stop making excuses for what your Father didn’t have and find a tribe of men who will fill those gaps and initiate you into masculinity.

Get a book and READ. Many of my notes come from this incredible book that EVERY DAD MUST READ. Especially if you have boys. If you can’t buy this book TODAY due to your finances, come see me after church and I will buy you book. Right now. Today. I will Amazon prime this book to your home and it will be on your doorstep tomorrow.

Stop making excuses for your lack of growth as a man.

[Transition]

So what happens when these things don’t go right? What happens when a boy is without a father or mentor? Or is without a father who initiates his son into manhood?

The child will self initiate. Boys will begin to self initiate by having sex as an adolescent. He will misuse people to get ahead in life. He may join a gang simply because no one was around to help him become a man, and so he thinks this gang will. He might abandon his faith, because if the faith of his Dad is what made his Dad his Dad he wants nothing to do with God. Or, he may begin dealing drugs. Small at first, but is spirals, because he thinks being a boss will make him a man.

Let me say it this way… Boys without a plan to become a Man will carry adolescence into adulthood. This is why we see adult men who are nothing more than teenagers.

Where do we begin?

Now with everything I just said, there’s no way that I am going to leave you without a battle plan. If we are going to play the man, then I have to give you a plan. I’ve distilled it down to two actionable steps.

The fist is one is this; the call to Masculinity begins with Submission.

A broken man will demand submission from others, when he has not submitted himself first to anyone.

We need to live a submitted life - we first submit our lives to God.

Romans 12:1 (NIV)

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.

Paul is telling his readers to lay down their lives, and offer themselves as a living sacrifice.

And the reason this must start with God is because if we can’t submit to God, we’ll struggle submitting to anyone else.

If we can’t submit to the creator of the heavens, the earth, and our lives, what makes you think we’ll submit to anyone else?

Single ladies… if your man won’t submit to God, that’s a red flag. Because he won’t submit to you.

When I think back to Joab, in our text today, we read a story that when David, the King that Joab was submitted to, wanted some water, and the only water was across enemy lines, Joab went and got water for his King, David. Why? Because he was submitted.

There are a lot of men who struggle with submission. They may only submit to God, and it’s not evident in other areas of their lives. They are accountable to no one else, and they want it that way.

Be careful. Be careful.

We all need to be accountable to someone. We all need to have people in our life that we are submitted to.

Beyond my submission to my wife, and my sons, I have two men that I have submitted myself to. Pastor Sam and Pastor Gary. People ask me, “Do you still work for Pastor Sam?” and the answer is yes. I work for him, and I am submitted to his leadership. He is my Pastor, and I don’t call him Sam. I call him Pastor Sam. I have submitted myself to him. The same with Pastor Gary. Pastor Gary once called me, out of the blue, and said, “I was thinking about you and Joanna and I was praying for you two. You two need to go on a vacation. No kids. Like right now, go.” I reminded him that my wife just started a new job with a new School District, but to his pleasant surprise, I had already planned a vacation during her spring break. And off we went.

Why? Submission. You cannot rise to biblical Masculinity without be submitted.

Who said Masculinity was toxic? Masculinity is submission.

Here’s the second. The call to Masculinity demands servanthood.

A man that is too big to serve is too small to lead.

Our gospel calls us to this life.

Romans 12:9–13 (NIV)

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

When we serve, we are modeling a life of service to our children. We are teaching our children to be of service to others, and they will be of service as well.

I’d like to think my wife and I have done OK in this area, because our kids are constantly asking us to do a lot for others. I mean A LOT.

The other day we were talking about a person who is without a home, and my son Jaxon with authority said, “Dad, buy him a house so he has a house to live in!”

I was like, boy, I am so glad that you are THAT CONFIDENT in my finances.

But being a servant is taking on the nature of Christ.

Let me get uncomfortably transparent here...

Every home is different and the way you all divide your chores around the house is up to you all. But there have been times that when I was in the middle of doing something around the house, something that I thought, “You know, Joanna should be doing this,” I have captured that thought and I have already trained my brain to instead think, “I am married to the woman of my dreams. And this small task is how I am serving my wife.”

I’m not the perfect husband, and I have my fair share of mistakes, but it’s not chores, it’s service. It’s serving the person that God gave me.

Conclusion

Let me close with this…

Submission and Service - the path to Masculinity.

Let me give you someone who failed at this in the Bible

Adam. Adam was rebellious and lazy.

God said, “Don’t eat from this tree!” And what did he do? He ate from the tree. Why? He was rebellious. He did not submit to God. And then, when he was called on it, he deflected to his wife! “Well, it was the woman you gave me!”

That’s just lazy!

That’s broken masculinity. And if Adam was our only example, we’d carry and excuse with us.

But Jesus, the second Adam, came and gave us a better example. He modeled submission, because he surrendered his will to the will of his father. He modeled service because he laid down his life for us.

Greater love has no man than this, that he would lay down his life for a friend.