Man in the Marriage

Introduction

Winder story with John Wilson

Had a problem, kept blowing up

John says, “No man, you gotta do this...”

He was totally wrong, 100%, no doubt in my mind

He starts doing that thing, I go to the back

I find the problem and fix it

Go back to the front, John says, “See I told you!”

Thanks John...

Anyone have a boss that thinks they know it all?

Anyone besides Jacob, Mark and Tim have a boss that’s right?

Usually it’s like, “Man, I’ve been doing this everyday for 30-years - I don’t need your help!”

You may be right with your boss at work, but sometimes we do that with God...

I want to look at basic Christian principles of being a Godly husband

Some of you may not be husbands yet, some of you may not be husbands anymore...

That’s okay!

If you’re not married yet, it’s important that you start developing yourself into the man you want to be

With married men who struggle, it’s usually habits or issues from before they got married

That’s why fights are, “You’re just like your mother!”

Or, “Oh gosh, you look like your dad right now.”

If you’re not married anymore because you’re divorced, it might be good to do an autopsy

What mistakes did you make that you can learn from?

What areas might you need to repent of

If you’re a widower, you are a prime person to teach those younger than you

So I encourage you to keep learning so you can help others learn

For everyone, being a Godly husband means you’re a better man in general, so we can all learn!

Ephesians 5:33 (ESV)

33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

This is the famous “love” and “respect” passage

Of course, we all want both love and respect...

...but I don’t think it’s a coincidence God assigns love to husbands and respect to wives

In general, we desire one more than the other, and are better at showing one more than the other

But there’s something interesting I’d like to point out

In 1 Cor. 11:3, Eph. 5:22, 1 Pet. 3:1, etc. we learn that men are to be head over the wife and wives should submit

Deacon and elder qualifications say a man should maintain his household well

In 1 Cor. 14:34-35, 1 Tim. 2:11-12, Titus 2:3-5 it talks more about this idea of submission

That command couldn’t be more clear

But I find something interesting in God’s instructions for men

So many men read that and say, “I’m in charge, you do what I say!”

But when you look at God’s commands for men, He gives no commands on leadership!

God never says, “Men don’t give your wives an inch or they shall take a mile!”

He doesn’t say, “Husbands, rule your household with an iron fist, smiting all who oppose you!”

“Men, if thou wife burns the chicken, slap her and tell her to wear a nicer dress...”

Actually, not only is Scripture not that harsh, it never even remotely goes in that direction

Let’s look at what God actually says...

1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Colossians 3:19 (ESV)

19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Ephesians 5:25 ESV

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Help me out here guys… Looking at this verses, what does the Bible tell us as husbands to do?

Be understanding

Show honor

Love your wives - as Christ loved the Church

Don’t be harsh

Here’s another one

1 Corinthians 7:3–5 (ESV)

3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

When we read that, we go, “Oh, honey, you gotta give it up! Any time I want!”

Let me ask you husbands a question… what about the wife’s side of that?

You have to give HER her rights… others translations say, “Fulfill the needs of the wife.”

How many times does your wife have to go to bed lonely because you already watched porn before you came to bed?

How many times is your wife unfulfilled because you came in all, “Wham, bam, thank you ma’am” and only worry about yourself?

Your wife’s fulfillment requires more than just how you touch her...

She wants you to make her feel loved - when you’re just start grabbing without romancing, you’re not taking care of her needs

This passage wasn’t meant for you to manipulate her into getting what you want

It’s a reminder to YOU to give her what she needs

Yes, it’s a reminder for her too - but it’s not just a passage about how often you have sex...

It’s a reminder to fulfill each others needs as they need them

Let’s take 5-7 minutes - turn to the guys at your table

What is your favorite part about how Christ loves the church - go

Somebody share one that somebody else said at your table

Here’s the real question men

Are you spending more time worrying about the fact that your wife is commanded to submit to you...

Or are you focused on becoming a man worthy of being submitted to?

Imagine for a second you’re a woman - how hard would it be to trust someone enough to submit to them?

Let’s take another few minutes

What would be the hardest thing about submitting to another person in marriage?

Here’s the thing, you can do that

So what is God saying here when He tells us to love our wives?

Here’s the thing love is not an emotion - the world has lied to you!

Love isn’t a feeling, but love does affect feelings

You can be married and love your wife without feeling warm and fuzzy

You can also have warm fuzzy feelings for someone outside your marriage, and choose not to love them inappropriately

Being emotionally in love with someone doesn’t make the relationship legitimate

Not being emotionally in love with someone doesn’t make the relationship illegitimate

We got divorced because I don’t love her anymore - that means you don’t have feelings

That’s not a reason to get divorced!

I’m hooking up with that girl on the side because you can’t help who you love!

You can’t help who you have feelings for, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay

And that isn’t love like the Bible is talking about

The bible tells husbands to love our wives agape style

Bill Allison calls it “sloppy agape” - because it’s hard and challenging

It’s a command - that means we can do it!

Watch this: clap your hands

Stomp your feet

Raise your arms

Feel sad - you can’t do it!

You can’t just manifest a feeling voluntarily

And yet God tells us to love

That’s because love isn’t a feeling - it’s an action

It’s an action that can affect feelings, but it’s not a feeling itself

Agape love is selflessly doing the best thing for the other person whether they deserve it in your eyes or not

If you do that, it will probably encourage better feelings

A wife who receives what she needs from her husband will likely reciprocate

It will make you feel good and want to do more, for her the same and on and on

So if your feelings are gone, likely you have stopped loving your wife

Maybe she stopped too, but remember that whole “leader” thing - that’s why you go first

You have to be the first one to start the whole agape love thing

You can’t quit because they do, you can’t wait for them to start again, you can’t only do it when you feel good

That’s what it means to be a biblical husband - a Godly man

You love like Christ - sacrificially, selflessly, completely

Next question, take another 5-7 minutes

What example of Christ’s love do you think your wife is missing from you most?

I want to close out this morning with a challenge

Love your wife - and if you’re not married then pick someone - agape style

Whether you think they deserve it or not - put their needs above your own

If she’s angry, you stay calm

If she’s stressed, run her a bath

If she left a mess, clean it up

And make sure you tell her how wonderful she is

She is God’s gift to you

God said, “Here, take my daughter, and love her the way I loved you.”

And if you really want to knock her socks off, sit down and pray with her

Take the initiative and open your bible at dinner

When you lead in a humble and loving way, just wait and see what the Lord will do

Prayer