Living The Dream

Living the Dream, Oneness vs Isolation (Session 1, 2016)

What was it that first attracted you to your spouse? Why did you fall in love with each other?

sense of humor

intelligence

charm

honesty

confidence

understanding

fine looks

reliability

diligence

friendliness

sex appeal

athleticism

caring heart

Take a moment to identify a few things that originally attracted you to your spouse.

Now, think back to even before you met your spouse.

What were your original dreams for marriage?

Look at the screen and write down a few words that represent some of the expectations, hopes and desires you had for marriage. (have them write answers on their notes page)

Compare your answers with your spouse.

Were your dreams all fulfilled?

At what point in your marriage did it dawn on you that things weren’t going to be exactly like you dreamed of?

— The honeymoon story (vaginismus) —  Our dream hit the wall of reality and came crashing down.

God has a dream for us to…

Oneness vs Isolation

We long to experience oneness but we find it easy to drift towards isolation.

No marriage is static.

Take a moment to identify and write down what aspects of oneness you feel are present in your marriage, and what aspects of isolation you experience.

What Causes the drift toward isolation?

Over time, it can feel like your spouse has “changed” from the person you married.

One of the problems is that we want marriage to be about “me”—my expectations, my hopes, my dreams, my needs—and our spouse doesn’t always cooperate.

We say “for better or worse” but we are rarely prepared for or know how to handle the “worse.” —> Has your marriage experienced any of these “worse” things?

wayward kids

depression

family drama

loss of a job

trust issues

lust

role conflicts

dealing with a former spouse

personal baggage from the past

50/50 contract relationship

sexual expectations that don’t align

money fights

health problems or sickness

Affairs in any form

Business and exhaustion

Blended family challenges

Death of a child or premature death of a closely knit parent

Your marriage is naturally moving toward a state of isolation. Unless you lovingly and energetically nurture your marriage, you will begin to drift away from your spouse.

Identify your position on the sliding scale of oneness and mark it down in your notes. Indicate the features that make you feel this way.

No marriage is static. You may find that you move back and forth on this scale.

You can be at a different spot from your spouse

You may feel stuck, but there is always hope to move toward oneness.

“In Every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.” ~ Robert Anderson

There is always hope for a marriage when there is a willingness to pursue oneness.

Threats to a Marriage

Threat 1: difficult adjustments

our culture doesn’t prepare us for the challenges we face when two people bind their lives together. Adjustments in finances, values, lifestyles, relationships and more. This is especially a challenge when the reason for marriage is purely emotional, sexual attraction, outside pressures, or a desire to escape the circumstance you were in.

Threat 2: our culture’s pattern

our culture has a performance based relationship model where each partner contributes 50%. This entitlement model says that I am entitled to your money, your body, your services in exchange for my share of the same. This model is self-destructive because no one is able to meet the unrealistic (and often uncommunicated) expectations of their spouse. And even if they could, there is no way to determine if your spouse is meeting you halfway.

Threat 3: inevitable difficulties

life happens. the question is, how do you respond to difficulties? suppressing them, blaming others for them, overanalyzing them, lashing out because of them, denying them or trying to escape them are the most common, and unhealthy, responses.

Threat 4: extramarital affairs

an affair is usually an escape from reality or a search for fulfillment outside of the marriage. They can include an activity, materialism, career, family, fantasy (romance books or pornography), or a love affair. We are seduced by our culture into believing that we deserve complete fulfillment and perfect happiness, which pushes us to seek out happiness and fulfillment elsewhere when those expectations are met in our marriage.

What kind of affair is most tempting to you—an activity, materialism (pursuit of money or possessions), work recognition, clinging to closely to family, fantasy, or a love affair?

Threat 5: selfishness

We are naturally self-centered, and our culture promotes a self-centered mindset. Selfishness robs a relationship of romance. Selfishness is not about me wanting to live life my own way—it’s about me wanting YOU to live life my way. Our selfish nature seeks to justify our rejection of our spouse When they fail to meet our expectations.

Make it personal: on the back of your notes page, circle the threat that has had the biggest impact on your marriage. Then rate how much each of these threats has effected your marriage, and write down what challenges you’ve faced as a result.

Let’s Talk, Cliché vs Transparency (session 2, 2016)

Unexpressed expectations

One of the most impactful things in a marriage is when your spouse doesn’t meet an expectation you have of them.

How can they meet an expectation that you’ve never shared?

The goal of communication is to build oneness by sharing who you are.

Level 1 — Cliché: non-sharing

Level 2 — Fact: sharing what you know

Level 3 — Opinion: sharing what you think

Level 4 — Emotion: sharing what you feel

Level 5 — Transparency: sharing who you are

Note: the deeper you go in intimacy the fewer people you can share with on that level.

When we feel safe to share who we are, we have a better chance of experiencing oneness.

Why does communication get difficult over time?

“the tongue has the power of life and death… Proverbs 18:21

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Many of us grew up watching communication habits that weren’t healthy.

Many of us have different communication styles than our spouse

Land the plane vs Enjoy the ride

Let’s take turns vs Thinking out loud

Share your feelings vs Just the facts

make it personal — check the box by the communication style that fits you, and circle or underline the style that best fits your spouse.

We tend to discount the role that stress plays in communication (stress causes some to overshare, others to shut down, others to get impatient or angry

We often have unhealthy ways of dealing with deep emotion (anger, disappointment, loneliness, longing, stress)

Communication is a skill that can develop over time, but we don’t usually put time or energy into it. (when you don’t know what to do, or you aren’t being intentional, you revert to habit.

Create a Safe Place to encourage transparency

That fifth level of communication — transparency — requires a safe place and a safe person. You don’t share deeply about yourself unless you know you are loved unconditionally, and unless you’re in an environment with time and space to share deeply.

“my dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. James 1:19

Listen Carefully

…listen to me, and be attentive to the words of my mouth. Proverbs 7:24

Give focused attention: put away distractions

Avoid trying to fix the problem or person (you can’t fix your spouse)

try to feel what they are feeling (empathy and understanding)

Suspend judgment: don’t defend yourself (listen to understand, not to respond)

Summarize what you are hearing?

“are you telling me that…?”

“can you tell me more about what you meant when you said…?”

“A person’s thoughts are like water in a deep well, but someone with insight can draw them out.” Proverbs 20:5

Great listeners work hard to create a safe place for their spouse to be vulnerable.

Create a safe place to express transparency

Express clearly

Think before you speak.

“If you want to stay out of trouble, be careful what you say.” Proverbs 21:23

2. Ask if now is a good time and place: create the right environment.

3. Share what’s really going on “inside”: pains, fears, hopes, desires, disappointments, etc.

4. Beware: anger can sabotage vulnerability.

“The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

5. Ask them what they heard.

Great expressers work hard to share their heart in a way that makes it easy to receive their thoughts.

Anger tips: pay attention to tone and body language. Refuse to use mean and insulting words. Avoid trigger words like “always,” “never,” and “every-time.” And say, “I feel [this emotion] when you do [that action].”

Making it Personal

Which of the five listening tips and five expressing tips will you commit to working on this weekend? Take a few moments to talk over your answers with your spouse. (2-3 minutes)

Project 1: can we talk? (20 minutes)

The forgotten dream (session 3, 2022)

Review isolation to oneness spectrum.

No marriage is static. We are either drifting toward isolation or moving toward oneness.

When we work to listen carefully and express clearly with our spouse, we create a safe place for the “sharing who you are” kind of transparency.

Where did the idea of oneness in marriage come from?

Genesis 2:24 ESV

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

We’re all here because we have hopes and dreams and desires for our marriages. But have you considered the idea that God has a dream for your marriage?

It’s not surprising that the Bible starts out with a wedding, ends with a wedding and has a whole book dedicated to marriage and love right in the middle.

The first two chapters of the Bible reveal three purposes of every marriage. Maybe if we let God’s design inform our dreams and expectations for marriage, we could experience what our heart truly longs for … oneness.

The first purpose is to model the unity of God to those around you.

God created humans in his image to reflect some of his own unique qualities—truth, wisdom, love kindness, ability to think, feel and know right from wrong. Gen 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

Throughout the Bible God exhorts his image-bearers to be unified. He knew their pursuit of unity amidst the vast diversity of humanity would point to the existence and love of a God who is three and yet one. John 17:22-23 “The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.”

Marriage takes this command to another level. In Genesis God brought together two very unique beings (a man and a woman) to model the unity of God on a daily basis. Your marital unity says to everyone watching, “there’s a god who is like this.” — what is your marriage saying to the world?

How can we model this unity?

We imitate His LOVE — 1 John 4:12 “No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.” 1 Cor 13 slide.

1 Cor 13 “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. …So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

We imitate his PROMISE — covenant relationship, not a contract. God’s love is not based on our performance, but on his covenant—a permanent vow to love unconditionally for a lifetime.

The second is to impact your corner of the world with a God-centered family

Gen 1:28 “And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.””

Model and pass on God-centered priorities to the generations that outlive you: your children, grandchildren, stepchildren, foster, and children who god brings across your path.

Who is God? What is He like?

How do relationships work? How does marriage work?

What does it mean to be a woman or a man?

Who am I? How should I think about myself?

What is God’s plan for me? Why am I here? What matters in life?

~ It’s never too late to start reorienting your life and your family around God’s values and priorities.

Bring life to the “garden” God has placed you in with your gifts, resources and talents

Gen 2:15 “The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.”

Col 3:17 “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

“The family is the basis of society. As the family is, so is the society, and it is human beings who make a family—not the quantity of them, but the quality of them.” Ashley Montagu

The third purpose is to pursue life-long companionship.

Gen 2:18 “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.””

We discover the first couple made five significant choices that model how we can experience ongoing companionship. Let’s apply their choices to how we can experience ongoing, lifelong companionship.

Choose to BELIEVE... God brought you together for His purposes. Gen 2:20 “The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.”

God provided for Adam’s need with Eve. Gen 2:21-22 “So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.”

Marriage is God’s original and unique context for life-long companionship. Regardless of how you got married or the state of your marriage, God can transform where you are and move you to oneness.

Choose to RECEIVE… your spouse as God’s companion for you.

Adam enthusiastically received Eve as God’s gift because he trusted Him, not because of Eve’s performance. Gen 2:23 “Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.””

That’s easy on wedding day, but like Adam and Eve, we soon discover things about our spouse we don’t like or didn’t expect.

Oneness doesn’t mean sameness — gender, backgrounds, perspectives, personalities, preferences, roles

“We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change… The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.” Stanley Hauerwas

Choose to LEAVE... behind old ways of life (especially dependence on family of origin)

Gen 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Leave means to break away from other relationships (parents, friends, old habits, old flames, even children)

Choose to CLING… to your spouse

Gen 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Cleave means to cling to, bind, form a permanent bond.

You are not called to cleave to your work or your children or your friends or your hobbies. Cleave is the daily living out of your permanent covenant.

Choose to WEAVE… together as one flesh

Gen 2:25 “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”

One flesh is not just about sex

God designed marriage so that there could be one person in the world with whom you are “naked”—fully known and fully accepted—just like you can be with Him.

Unfortunately, we often feel isolated from the very person with whom God wants us to be “naked and unashamed”—but that can change!

Making it personal

What is your spouse competing with for your time and attention? Talk it over with them.

work demands

hobbies

unhealthy pursuits of wealth, career, reputation

other family or friends

social or digital media

baggage from the past

unresolved personal issues/mental health

God asked the first couple to grab hold of a big dream for marriage:

Model the unity of God to those around you

Impact your corner of the world with a God-centered family

Pursue lifelong companionship