The Vulnerability of Love - Song of Songs 3

Introduction

A while back, had a unicorn of a day — no kids, no seminary work, no pressing ministry needs, even my precious wife was at work. It was just a day to myself. Now, I’m an introvert so basically for me it was like a quick glance of what life will feel like in the new heavens and the new earth. And, I was enjoying my alone time so much that I decided it was a great opportunity to get as far away from civilization as I could. I went on hike that I’ve done more times than I can count over the years, but it had been a few years since I had done it. So, I started hiking, and I walked 3 miles or so to this big overlook, and I ate lunch and just laid on a rock and stared out over the mountains without anybody needing a drink or spilling their Spaghetti-O’s. It was awesome. I was having such a good, quiet day that I decided that I would take the long way home. Now, on the long way home, the trail gets a bit tricky — which I knew — because there’s an unmarked section where you have to choose your turn carefully. I had done it before and really wasn’t very worried about it — until the trail got narrower and narrower and longer and longer. And, when I pulled out Google Maps to try to get some bearing on where I was, I realized that I had hiked miles off course, and I had miles and miles if I was going to make back to my truck. What was supposed to be a 6 or 7 mile hike turning into about an 18 mile hike.

That’s a picture of what I see with a lot of marriages. In most of the marriage counseling that I do, the couple hasn’t suffered from the 5-alarm, defcon 5 issues. There’s no secret family or hidden bank accounts. There’s been a quieter, more subtle threat to the marriage, which can be just as fatal. In the beginning, everything seemed on course. They enjoyed each other’s company and were excited to come home to one another at the end of the day. But, over time, they’ve drifted from one another. In the beginning, it was hardly even noticeable. She spent more time on her phone, and he spent a little more time at work. It still felt like they were on the right path. But, as time has passed, as they’ve gone further and further down the path, the trail has gotten narrower and more difficult. And, then one day, they realize that they’re way off course. They don’t really know how it happened, and they don’t really know how to get back.

God’s Word

My conviction is that the word of God is sufficient to give us all that we need to flourish in our lives. That’s because God’s word explains to us how He’s designed us and our world. And, this is true of our marriages. If we’re to flourish, if we’re to be experience marriage in the way that God intended us to enjoy it, we must get on course with his design.

The wisdom literature is especially helpful for this. There are five wisdom books in the Bible (Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Songs), and they’re given to us for the express purpose of teaching us how to thrive according to God’s design. My experience is that most people think of Psalms and Proverbs when they think of the wisdom literature. And, a lot of people have some concept of the book of Job. But, Ecclesiastes and the Song of Songs are much more neglected. But, I want to challenge you that these two books may be the most vitally important and critically relevant for the day we live in today. So, I want us to go one of these mysterious — even shocking and uncomfortable — books to begin seeing how our marriages can get back on course so that they might flourish according to God’s design — The Song of Songs.

Read Song of Songs 3:1-11

Song of Solomon 3:1–11 ESV

On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him, but found him not. I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him, but found him not. The watchmen found me as they went about in the city. “Have you seen him whom my soul loves?” Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her who conceived me. I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. What is that coming up from the wilderness like columns of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all the fragrant powders of a merchant? Behold, it is the litter of Solomon! Around it are sixty mighty men, some of the mighty men of Israel, all of them wearing swords and expert in war, each with his sword at his thigh, against terror by night. King Solomon made himself a carriage from the wood of Lebanon. He made its posts of silver, its back of gold, its seat of purple; its interior was inlaid with love by the daughters of Jerusalem. Go out, O daughters of Zion, and look upon King Solomon, with the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, on the day of the gladness of his heart.

A Nervous Bride

Song of Solomon 3:1-5 “On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him, but found him not. I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him, but found him not. The watchmen found me as they went about in the city. “Have you seen him whom my soul loves?” Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her who conceived me. I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

Approaching weddings often reveal insecurity. When the moment you’ve always waited for now stares you in the face, it’s a surreal experience. And, behind all of the planning and all of the excitement, there’s often a low-grade anxiety. What if he or she isn’t who I think they are? What if I don’t get along with their family? What if the honeymoon doesn’t live up to the hype? What if this marriage doesn’t last? That’s the question that we see this young bride wrestling with here at the beginning of chapter 3. She’s in her bed, but she’s hardly resting. She drifts off to sleep, but anxieties are revealed in her dreams. She has a dream where she can’t find her beloved. She pursues him just as she has throughout the first two chapter, but now her search comes up empty. What once seemed like mutual passion and longing now appears one sided. She loves him with her very soul — her very being, the very essence of who she is as a person — and she is here desperately hoping that her love isn’t unrequited. That’s when she sees him — “the one her soul loves” — and she clings to him as though he is life itself. So, on what may be the night before her wedding, she finds herself wrestling with insecurity about her wedding and the future, and she can only be comforted by clinging with all that she has to her love for him and his love for her.

To love is to make yourself vulnerable. Love opens you up to the greatest joys and the greatest pains simultaneously. And, this love album isn’t in the dark. What we see in the build up to chapter 3 is two lovers pursuing one another and being vulnerable with one another and risking the pain that could come for the sake of the delight they hope for. That is, what we see here is that love is risky, but it’s a risk that should be taken. Many of you have been wounded by people that you love, or you’ve watched as others have been; so, there’s reluctance to love and to pursue love. You identify more with the insecurity of the bride than her passion. But, wisdom isn’t saying that all attempts at love will leave you damaged; wisdom is saying that clinging to insecurity rather than love will rob you of delight and the fullness of life that God offers to you.

An Assuring Groom

Song of Solomon 3:6-11 “What is that coming up from the wilderness like columns of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all the fragrant powders of a merchant? Behold, it is the litter of Solomon! Around it are sixty mighty men, some of the mighty men of Israel, all of them wearing swords and expert in war, each with his sword at his thigh, against terror by night. King Solomon made himself a carriage from the wood of Lebanon. He made its posts of silver, its back of gold, its seat of purple; its interior was inlaid with love by the daughters of Jerusalem. Go out, O daughters of Zion, and look upon King Solomon, with the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, on the day of the gladness of his heart.”

And, at just the right time, the wedding processional led by her beloved shows up to solidify their commitment to one another. What’s beautiful here is that you have a doubting bride being met by an assuring groom. It’s as if Solomon knew exactly the question that she was worried about, and took intentional actions to assure her that everything would be okay. In fact, Solomon gives his doubting bride Four Assurances that Every Spouse Needs:

Provision: You’ll have everything that you need.

He shows that he will provide for her. There are “columns of smoke” surrounding him because there is so much incense being burnt and so many people walking in the processional. The maidens can smell the perfumes from far away. He’s like a merchant coming with so much, as evidence that she will always be provided for and she will provided for with the very best he can provide. In fact, he’s coming “from the wilderness like columns of smoke.” It reminds us of how God provided for his people in the wilderness — a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. He made sure that there every need was met, that they were never hungry or abandoned.

But, for someone to have everything that they need, you have to address the fullness of the person. A healthy marriage requires two healthy people, and it requires to being healthy person in the same way God understands a person. The Hebrews understand people in two dimensions: the inner man and the outer man. All of us tend to prioritize one over the other, and this can make for an insecure relationship.

Outer person. The wellbeing of the outer person affects the wellbeing of the inner person.

Steady work. Work ethic provides security. Consistency. Dependability. Your wife or husband must never have the thought that you won’t do exactly what it takes to make sure they’ll have what they need.

Ron (ss): Young husband that had changed jobs and locations 6 times in seven years. Nothing made him happy. His wife wasn’t able to develop any sort of roots. She felt perpetually insecure.

Financial stewardship. Budgeting is a matter of love. Life insurance is a matter of love. Retirement investment is a matter of love. Budgeting is planning to do without some wants to ensure that needs are always met. No couple can thrive where each person isn’t willing to do without something they want to be sure the other person has what they need.

Healthcare. From Genesis 2, God makes the marriage relationship both physical and spiritual. Isn’t that interesting? We’re made “one flesh.” We have a vested interest in one another’s healthcare, and we have to advocate on each other’s behalf. A healthy marriage requires two healthy people, and our physical health is a significant contributor to that. We need to become advocates for one another’s health.

Aimovig injections and insurance not paying — I went through a really bad period of health. I wanted to throw in the towel. Megan wouldn’t let me. “We’ll pay whatever we need to pay. We’ll go wherever we’ll need to go. We’ll do whatever we need to do to get you better.”

Home and family responsibilities. There has to be a sense of partnership in the family. Many men understand their role as provider as coming primarily from their career. That’s significant. But, and this is especially true as two working parents becomes the norm, one of the ways that we provide for our families is by partnering together in the responsibilities for our families. It’s too common for us men to want our wives to be available to us physically, while we’re absent from them in partnership.

Sexually. We’re going to talk about this more in the next session, but this is the bridge. Paul says that sex is unique because it’s something that is both physical and spiritual in nature. But, one of the primary functions of sexuality — not the only one — to remind each other of the security that you have with each other. And, Paul also says in 1 Corinthians 7 that we must not withhold sex from one another because it can lead us toward physical temptation.

Inner person. The wellbeing of the inner person affects the wellbeing of the outer person.

Emotional.

Emotionally available. You can find a roommate on Craigslist that will help you to pay the bills. That’s not a marriage. A marriage is someone you share life with, not just bills. Most affairs that I’ve counseled people through began — by admission of both spouses — emotional disengagement.

Emotional warning signs:

Who do I save my stories for?

Has it become easier to talk to my spouse over the years or more difficult?

When something big happens, good or bad, who’s the first person I tell?

Am I lonely, or does my spouse say she is?

Relational.

Friendship with each other. Friendship with others. Connection with your church. Am I creating an environment where my wife/husband has the ability to serve in our church and have real, genuine friendships?

Keep the kids, bro. You can absolutely do it. And, they need it as much as your wife does.

Spiritual.

Let me ask you this: how is your spouse doing spiritually? Do you know? What’s their walk with God like right now? What’s their prayer life like? What is God teaching them right now? How is God challenging them or changing them?

Premarital counseling: A big moment for new husbands — you’re responsible to present Jesus’ Bride to him. Your responsibility is to prepare your wife to meet Jesus. Feel that afresh. Are you?

Protection: You’re always safe with me.

He’s not just going to provide, but also protect. There’s “sixty mighty men....all of them wearing swords and expert in war.” He brings Seal Team Six with him. She’s safe with him. He displays his power to prove that she’s okay. Physical protection is certainly in view, but even more, is Solomon assuring her heart that he’ll protect her in every way possible. She can TRUST him.

J and L — I recently counseled with a couple had both been repeatedly unfaithful to one another. One spouse had repented years ago and completely changed directions. The other persisted in infidelity and dishonesty — by their own admission. One of them had, by my understanding, biblical precedent for divorce. They asked me how to process the decision. This is what I said: Can you ever trust them again? Not, “Do you trust them?” That answer is clear. Can you? Trust is the essential thread of a healthy marriage. There can be no healthy marriage apart from sincere trust.

You have to be able to trust each other with your worst days and your best. You have to be able to have the kind of trust where you know the other person won’t weaponize your mistakes against you. Where there is no trust, there can be no intimacy.

Testing a safety harness. You ease into it before you put your full weight upon it. You share, and it’s not used against you. You share more, and the person shows themselves safe with what they’ve learned. They tell you, and what they say is true. Over time, you don’t even think of the harness any more. You just live and share and forgive, and it’s second nature. Trust that is always in the background that forms the context for everything else.

Passion: You’re my delight.

Perhaps, most importantly, he shows her that she is his passion. No expense is spared. No processional is grand enough. This is the day of ‘the gladness of his heart’ — the happiest day of his life. That’s what she needed to know, isn’t it? That’s what you need to know too, right? That you’re the passion of the other person. That you make their heart happier.

Our family has something we make a habit of saying to one another: “You make me happy.” Our world is so harsh. There’s so many people and IG posts that tell you what a failure you are and how little you stack up. Our spouses need to know that they are enough for us. More than that, that they are a passion of ours. They need to know that they enrich our lives.

Don’t think constant romance. Think continual thoughtfulness. It means that your mind is always drifting toward them. It’s notes in your lunchbox or a random text during the day. It’s a smile when you come home or flirting while dinner is cooked. It’s telling them that they make your life more enjoyable. It’s letting them know that you see them personally as a gift from God himself.

Permanence: You’ll always have me.

And so, the wedding is meant to solidify these realities so that she will know that his provision, protection, and passion for her are permanent — they’re forever. He’s all in. This is the culminating value. Solomon is telling the Shulammite: “I’m giving you all this today, and you’ll have them forever.” He’s securing her.

Secure love makes for secure people. There is in this song here, and throughout, the evidence that the two lovers are never shy to express to one another what they feel and think and value of the other person. Our relationships never grow to a point where this isn’t necessary. And, there are times in which both of you will have to take all of the intentional steps, like Solomon here, to assure and strengthen your spouse. Your marriage is intended to be an anchor point for you, your spouse, and your kids.

A Greater Wedding

And, it’s this relationship, scripture teaches us, that is meant to reflect like a mirror the greater marriage that we have to Christ. Throughout the OT, Israel is often referred to as the bride of YHWH, where He is the faithful groom and she is the unfaithful bride. But, they were secure because their groom was unwavering. He would provide and protect because they were his passion, and He would do so permanently because they were his bride. In fact, the Bible closes with a wedding — our wedding — to Christ where we feast with him forever. He’s wedded himself to us in a way that can satisfy us today — even if we never marry here — and in a way that secures us forever. He’s unwavering toward us. And, the day is coming in which the best day of our lives — our wedding — will become every day of our lives.