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Children’s min

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Oops - We are a culture that loves to rate, but doesn’t always use the right parameters

You download a new app onto your phone, could be a game, maybe a utility. you’ve been using it for maybe a half hour when no matter what it is there is a pop up.

Do you love this app? And five little stars come up for you to declare how impactful this app has been in your life in a half hour.

Those same five stars have become a way of life for shopping.

The Amazon reviews are now an essential part of product research.

Often before I buy a book or anything else, I’ll look at the reviews.

I usually jump right to the three stars, because the truth is people either love to love things, or love to hate.

Five star reviews are usually people who don’t notice details

people who give One star reviews are often the problem…they just love to hate, or sometimes because they don’t get it but can’t accept that it’s their fault, though sometimes it is people with a good sense of humor.

For example, this review for the children’s book: Where is Baby’s Belly Button. (a lift the flap book)

Do not buy this book, you can SEE the ending right on the cover

This book is completely misleading. The entire plot revolves around finding Baby's belly button; the title makes this much clear from the beginning. However, there is no mystery. There is no twist. Baby's belly button is right where it's suppose to be, on Baby's stomach. Right where it clearly SHOWS you it is on the COVER OF THE BOOK. This plot is a complete mess as a result of it's reliance on the mystery of where the belly button is; everything falls apart the second you realize that the belly button was in plain sight all along. There is no conflict, there is no character development, and there is scarcely any plot. Whoever wrote this book must have a serious error in judgement, because you would have to be an infant to not immediately understand where Baby's belly button is. This is one of the worst pieces of literature I have ever read.

Ratings are everywhere. Monica and I were at Walmart, using self-checkout, when the attending cashier asked us to rate them 5 stars.

Monica is really nice, so she did.

Yes, my experience grabbing toothpaste was remarkable, and the cashier who rang us up was gorgeous and so nice I think I’ll stay married to her.

But it’s the cashiers who get the brunt of those reviews. Anything less than 5 and you have managers coming down on you.

I’m sorry if you are walmart management…but I don’t go to WalMart for 5 star service. I go there because it’s relatively cheap and convenient.

I went to the dentist this week. Sitting in the chair to have my teeth cleaned there was a paper on the wall right in front of me showing the five stars and reminding me how important my feedback is.

How was my experience?

Charity was super nice, for someone using a laser beam of water to destroy my mouth. She always had her hands in my mouth, making it very difficult to talk. Was judgmental about my flossing habits and felt like she could tell me what to do. They had run out of my preferred flavor of polish.

2 stars…would not recommend.

Now, honestly, while nothing I said was untrue…they were actually great. My face didn’t feel good afterward…because they were doing the work that was needed.

And it was my own fault it was so rough, because I hadn’t prioritized a dental visit since before the pandemic. All the mouth destruction was kinda my fault.

Ugh - we also don’t always handle being rated well…and we are much better disconnected.

But for as much as we like to rate others…we don’t always handle being rated. It’s uncomfortable. Difficult to accept. Often we question the truth of the critique…because it’s coming from someone with their own set of values, issues, and biases.

And we don’t often give the most valuable kind of reviews.

We often only rate when we are angry

We are also less likely to give feedback the closer we are to the person.

At a restaurant, if I get bad food or bad service, I may leave a bad review.

But if your spouse cooks dinner tonight after the Super Bowl...

the meat was dry and the sauce a little salty. Had to get up and get my own silverware…3 stars, might recommend to a friend.

You’re visiting a friends house then go home and get on social media

Their toilet paper rolled out the back, instead of coming over the top like any sensible house. 2 stars, will not be coming back.

Or…You see your friend being unkind, or acting in a way that does not reflect their relationship with Jesus.

Or…you don’t notice and speak to the way they are doing things that matter, and living it out.

We avoid honest feedback with those we love

Because we fear the awkward of both compliments and critiques

We fear losing the relationship or being seen in a poor light because we hurt their feelings.

We see our own failing and figure we have no place to talk.

Now, there is a discussion to be had about how to give feedback well, ways to do it right. And we’ll get there. Being judgmental or having a critical spirit (where we think we have an answer for everyone’s issues and need them to hear it) are big issues as well. However:

Aha - Jesus gave his disciples feedback for several reasons

Jesus sets us an example of consistent and clear feedback. In fact it is essential if we are going to make disciples that we learn when and how to give feedback. And if we are going to be disciples (that’s all of us) then we need to learn how to receive it.

Let’s begin by looking at when Jesus gave feedback. What was he aiming for.

I want to look at a couple examples that show us when and how:

Jesus Shared Feedback...

Let’s read from Luke 10 for our first picture:

Luke 10:38-42 “While they were traveling, he entered a village, and a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who also sat at the Lord’s feet and was listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks, and she came up and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to serve alone? So tell her to give me a hand.” The Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has made the right choice, and it will not be taken away from her.””

There’s a few great things right here.

First

Relationally

Martha, Martha...

The double use of a name like this says so much.

It communicates care and kindliness, it says, “I see you”

A rebuke is going to follow, but he shows his heart in the correction is for her, not against her.

Our tendency in correction can be to wonder, “How long to I put up with this failing before I just walk away?” Or we make it clear that we are “Putting up” with them despite these failings that they just won’t fix.

Beware of trying to correct someone for your benefit. Because they know. If your child, spouse, coworker, or fill in the blank, sees this, it will damage the relationship.

And we are all guilty of this.

It is so hard to just love people where they are. But Jesus did. He doesn’t ignore the issue, but he affirms his love for Martha in the moment. And the correction is for her good.

Daniel gives us another great example of this.

Nebuchadnezzar has had a dream. Daniel’s interpretation reveals that Nebuchadnezzar’s arrogance is about to have some significant repurcussions. Daniel cares for his boss enough to give him words of correction, but note how he does it:

Daniel 4:19b “My lord, may the dream apply to those who hate you, and its interpretation to your enemies!”

He will give him the bad news, and give him corrective advice, but his starting point is relational.

Can I point out quickly that this applies to compliments as well. If you’re praise of your kids, spouse, etc is always focused on performance, you are telling them that is what you care about.

I’m proud of my kids. Josh is so skilled as a drummer, Becca went from cart pusher to department manager in a year. Those are good things. But what I really value is them. And I want them to know I value the work they put in to their accomplishments…but never outside of my unconditional love for them as my kids.

Enough embarrassing my poor child...

Jesus also provides feedback:

Clearly

Let’s reread

Luke 10:41-42 “The Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has made the right choice, and it will not be taken away from her.””

Jesus focuses in on the issue.

Martha, take a breath.

Ever get into a Martha spiral? Worried and upset about many things...

I can’t believe they did this…and as I think about that, I realize I’ve got these other things…don’t they realize?…

All of a sudden, you hoping for help, gets blown into how this person is such a failure in your life. You are angry, anxious...

Jesus calls the spiral out. Martha stop. One thing is necessary.

How often do we get the issue mixed up. We have such a great contrast between Martha’s feedback for her sister and Jesus’ feedback for Martha.

First, super relational going to Jesus to fix Mary.

I can just imagine Mary hearing this conversation...”Really…?”

But second, Martha wasn’t dealing with the real issue.

When I get into a conflict resolution scenario, i like to do some imagination work. I like “what if instead you...”

Let’s try that here. What if Martha would have come in and tapped Mary on the shoulder.

“Mary, I would love to join you here listening to Jesus, but before I can do that I need to get the bread in the oven…would you help me so we can sit together?”

or

What is the worst outcome if those tasks wait until later?

For critique especially, getting clarity on what you are observing is critical. In many cases you may realize their behavior isn’t an issue at all…you might see you have created an issue.

You also will be more equipped to be relational, because you aren’t mixing up the issue.

Martha wasn’t just criticizing her sister. Notice:

Luke 10:40 “But Martha was distracted by her many tasks, and she came up and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to serve alone? So tell her to give me a hand.””

Don’t YOU care?

What then is Jesus aiming for with his feedback?

To Increase Understanding

Luke 10:42 “but one thing is necessary. Mary has made the right choice, and it will not be taken away from her.””

Again, Jesus relationally and clearly is focused on the other person. Jesus knows there is something better for her and wants her to experience it.

Luke places this story right after the parable of the good samaritan. That story was told to help a pharisee understand that love for neighbor was essential to anyone…even those who you would rather avoid. Even those who are difficult.

Coincidence that he then moves into an example of sisters, one of whom is angry with the other?

At the heart of the matter was a difference of priorities. Mary prioritized sitting at the feet of Jesus, Martha prioritized the tasks at hand.

Jesus isn’t correcting Martha for caring about the tasks. He’s pointing her toward a better priority line-up.

Let’s look at Jesus’ highest praise and harshest feedback to see this:

Matthew 16:13-19 “When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others, Elijah; still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” “But you,” he asked them, “who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.” Jesus responded, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, because flesh and blood did not reveal this to you, but my Father in heaven. And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overpower it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will have been loosed in heaven.””

WOW! Peter you listened to God. I want you to key in on that. Do it more.

But then...

Matthew 16:21-22 “From then on Jesus began to point out to his disciples that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders, chief priests, and scribes, be killed, and be raised the third day. Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, “Oh no, Lord! This will never happen to you!””

Peter has feedback for Jesus.

Peter, who just listened to God so well, now knows better than Jesus how this Messiah thing is supposed to work.

How is this for some clear feedback from Jesus:

Matthew 16:23 “Jesus turned and told Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me because you’re not thinking about God’s concerns but human concerns.””

Now…important note that we can get confused. We hear Satan and think “Name”. Red skin, pointy horns, pitchfork. Not the Biblical picture. The word means Opposer, Accuser, or Adversary.

Now, there is no question Jesus is calling Peter a name here. He is giving Peter’s attitude a title. But it isn’t “King of Hell”

Peter had his priorities wrong. He thought he knew what the Kingdom of God was about, thought he knew what Jesus was here for, and was not prepared to have his understanding shifted.

Jesus says, you are opposing me. You are opposing God’s plan and purpose. Get yourself out of the way and fall in behind me. Get on board.

Peter was praised for listening and understanding what God was doing, and corrected clearly when he opposed it.

How important do you think it was that his disciples start to understand what was coming? Start to understand that Jesus was not here to conquer by arms or politics, but by sacrifice?

Peter set the tone for the rest of the disciples. Jesus needed them to hear the importance of the way the kingdom of God is shaped.

Following his rebuke of Peter, he turns to all the disciples and says words we have used a lot in messages lately, but here they are in context as a part of a correction:

If anyone wants to follow after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.

We are apt to get our loves disordered. There are many things we love. Family, home, church, Jesus, country, life…Jesus needs to correct the order in Peter.

Before we critique, we need to let Jesus do a little for us.

Are we critiquing to bring understanding of what we want, or to help them understand God’s priorities? Do we?

Going back a few weeks, this is why Jesus calls us to deal with the plank in our own eye before we mess with the speck in another.

Check your understanding first.

Oh, I could spend time here on all the ways we tend to, and I have gotten God’s priorities messed up.

I have found a couple good reality checks for myself here.

One is the greatest commandments

Love God, love your neighbor

Another is Micah 6:8 “Mankind, he has told each of you what is good and what it is the Lord requires of you: to act justly, to love faithfulness, and to walk humbly with your God.”

Do Justice - That’s not avoiding bad things. That’s a positive statement. Bring what is best for all people. ALL.

Love faithfulness, or kindness, or mercy…english struggles. The bottom line: Love giving others all you would want for yourself. The benefit of the doubt, care when you don’t deserve it, grace

Walk humbly. Remember your place. You don’t know it all. You don’t have godliness mastered.

We can give positive feedback that helps with this too. Notice Jesus doesn’t just tell Martha where her change needs to be. What does he say about Mary?

Luke 10:42 “but one thing is necessary. Mary has made the right choice, and it will not be taken away from her.””

Mary has done well because she chose my presence.

What impact do you think that had on Mary?

Pride? that would have been a miss...

Continuing to grow in that direction.

I just bought a little olive tree. For now it’s in a pot on my porch. shaded to the West. After a few weeks, what was it doing? growing toward the East…why?

We grow where we get what we need. We bend toward what fills us.

Positive feedback is so important! But only when it moves us toward the right things.

Jesus was a master at this.

Jesus shared feedback

Relationally

Clearly

To Increase Understanding

and knowing “who”

Whee - He also did it well

Knowing “Who”

Jesus knew who he was talking to.

You can in the examples we have used, with Martha he was super gentle and inviting.

With Peter, both for praise and correction, he was bold and direct.

When the pharisees were trashing Matthew and his friends by questioning how Jesus could eat with them, he got sarcastic.

I came for the sick, not the healthy...

When a rich young man thought he was doing everything right, Jesus invites him to Sell all he has, because he knew that was the weak point.

Parents, back me up here. Isn’t the greatest thing on earth having another parent with totally different children tell you how to parent your kids right?

Almost as great as being corrected by people without kids.

Now…if those people are invested in you. Spend time with you. Know you and your kids.

Are you more willing to hear them if they have thoughts? You bet. At least you should be. Especially if they come with kindness and humility.

Jesus even knew when not to bother.

As the corrupt high priest listened to testimony against Jesus…they said all kinds of stuff…picking up in Mark 14:59-

Mark 14:59-61 “Yet their testimony did not agree even on this. Then the high priest stood up before them all and questioned Jesus, “Don’t you have an answer to what these men are testifying against you?” But he kept silent and did not answer. Again the high priest questioned him, “Are you the Messiah, the Son of the Blessed One?””

Jesus didn’t argue with their nonsense accusations because he knew they weren’t interested in truth. They didn’t want right understanding. They wanted what they wanted. Even that final question…if he answers no, then they say, “What right did you have to do all you’ve done?”

But he answered:

Mark 14:62 ““I am,” said Jesus, “and you will see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of Power and coming with the clouds of heaven.””

And their response? We better figure out if that’s true! no...

Mark 14:63-64 “Then the high priest tore his robes and said, “Why do we still need witnesses? You have heard the blasphemy. What is your decision?” They all condemned him as deserving death.”

Yeah - It was then up to his disciples to receive and apply it

One of the scariest things God can do, is to just let you be.

In Romans 1, Paul describes people who have set their minds firmly on ignoring everything that God has shown them…even just the things he has shown in the world around them, let alone revelation or words…and he says God delivered them over…to themselves.

He let them be.

In my years of youth ministry, there were times when I knew a student just didn’t want anything to change. At a certain point, I was still there for them…but I wasn’t prioritizing their discipleship.

With the time I had available, I was going to invest in the non-believer who was asking questions, who was starting to see their need.

In the follower of Jesus who was catching a vision for Kingdom impact

I had so many students who were convinced their teachers didn’t care. I asked them to try one thing.

Ask them for help. Communicate that you want to succeed.

Almost every student who actually tried it, found that miraculously that teacher that didn’t care, did.

They were waiting to see that there was some desire to learn before investing extra time and energy.

If we are going to be disciples, which is essential if we are going to be disciple makers…we have to be ready to learn.

Here’s the challenge. When other people bring you feedback, something is going to arise.

Pride -

If it’s positive feedback, you may start to think you have arrived.

If it’s negative feedback, you may begin to dismantle the character and qualifications of the one tearing you down.

Neither are helpful.

Both can be true. You might be great, and they might be the most unqualified to offer critique the world has ever known.

But. you won’t know unless you listen and then evaluate it.

On the negative side, maybe 99% of what they say is unfounded or unfair…so that means that there is 1% that is true and worth considering.

Mary could have heard Martha and just dismissed her. But she could sit and go, “Martha has some priorities wrong…but I didn’t communicate with her regarding how we would get the tasks done and how important sitting at the feet of Jesus was to me…I can do that better.

Mary’s response to Jesus could have been, that’s right I chose better! or, she could hear the positive feedback and think, I’m doing the right thing here…how can I keep leaning into that…

We might dismiss positive feedback because we are stuck on a low opinion of ourselves, and ironically, trust our opinion over what someone else observes.

We are also prone to strike back. “Well let me tell you about you...” (even if we only do it on the inside)

Worship team back up.

If we are going to be disciples who make disciples, feedback is going to be a part of that life.

We will need courage and humility to give and receive feedback.

We will need grace to do both in a way that is relational, that draws us closer together

We will need to renew our minds in the word to understand God’s priorities.

Let me close with one more example from the life of Jesus. One filled with praise and correction.

Jesus had sent out 72 disciples to do the work of ministry. Healing, casting out demons, preaching the kingdom.

Luke 10:17-19 “The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.” He said to them, “I watched Satan fall from heaven like lightning. Look, I have given you the authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy; nothing at all will harm you.”

Jesus praised their work…You guys, the opposer is going down! His powers are not a match for you. You are doing the work!

Then...

Luke 10:20 “However, don’t rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.””

He then continues with the feedback - The work is great. you were obedient and effective. But that’s not the priority. That’s not your joy. Your joy is that God knows you and has your name written in his book.

Why? Because if your joy gets wrapped up in effective and fruitful ministry, ...great things!… it’s in something temporary.

I keep calling you to do the work of ministry. I want you to experience the joy of sharing the love of Jesus in service. I want you to know the amazing feeling that comes when you share your story of Christ’s love and it leads to them seeking Jesus. I want you to experience the enhanced sense of belonging when you know what you do is impacting others for Christ.

But…I never ever want those things to become your hope or source of joy. They are awesome, but they aren’t Jesus.

But if knowing Jesus is your greatest joy, you can love those moments all more, and you can endure when instead of seeing the satan fall from the heavens, you are watching your family go through the dark night, or when depression threatens to envelop you, or when no matter what you do, nothing is working out...

You can endure, because your joy isn’t in things going well. It’s not in approval or praise, it’s not in anything you do at all.

Your joy rests in knowing that God knit you together by hand.

That God knows your name

That God has pursued you relentlessly

That in the resurrection of Jesus you have the promise of full and abundant and eternal life regardless of circumstance.

Feedback from Jesus will always point back to this. Let’s remember that as we both give and receive feedback ourselves.

Pray.