Cycle of Reconciliation - Songs of Songs 5:8-6:3

Introduction

The funniest part of the story of my hiking trip gone wrong is how it ended. I came out on a road that was another 10 miles to my truck, and it was ten miles straight up to the top of Cheaha. I started walking, and when I finally had service, I called Megan to tell her that I would be late coming home. Of course, you know how that conversation went. “Do you need me to come and get you?” “No, I’m fine.” “I’m going to come and get you.” “Really! I’m fine! It’s not that big of a deal!” “I’m on my way.”

I was stubborn, but she was persistent. It took her taking responsibility for me without me asking her to. But, man, I was happy to see her when she got there! If you’re in a pattern — even a cycle — of conflict that has you off course, the only path forward you have is that at least one of you will persist in pursuing the other person. Somebody has to model the maturity and fortitude required to get over themselves, and even the stubbornness of the other person, in order to break the cycle.

God’s Word

Listen to what happens next in our lover’s quarrel.

Song of Solomon 5:8–6:3 ESV

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell him I am sick with love. What is your beloved more than another beloved, O most beautiful among women? What is your beloved more than another beloved, that you thus adjure us? My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh. His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels. His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. Where has your beloved gone, O most beautiful among women? Where has your beloved turned, that we may seek him with you? My beloved has gone down to his garden to the beds of spices, to graze in the gardens and to gather lilies. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he grazes among the lilies.

What I want you to see here is how to reverse the Pattern of Conflict for a Pattern of Reconciliation:

Reconciliation starts with one.

You have to make a decision between two paths this morning: resentment or reconciliation. Remain selfish and frustrated in your separate corners, and the greatest romance will end in resentment. But, if you refuse, if you get over yourself and go after them, then resentment can be avoided or even overcome. That’s what the Shulammite does. She’s not going to let her frustration grow into resentment. She’s going to take responsibility for closing the distance. She turns to her maidens, and she says, “We’ve got to find him! Help me find him! We can’t stay like this!” Isn’t it interesting that she sought help? It’s often the wife that seeks help, but if you need it, why wouldn’t you? This is your beloved we’re talking about.

It’s a process for her to get there, and it’s probably a process for you too. I’m hopeful we can process that together.

To be the one, first move toward them emotionally.

If you aim to be the one with whom reconciliation begins, oh and it’s so powerful if it’s both of you, you have to start by moving your heart toward your spouse. Before you move toward them with repentance and a conversation, move toward them emotionally. Let your heart be softened again. Has your heart grown hard toward your husband or wife? Answer that honestly. That has to be dealt with first, or you’ll just end up right where you’ve started.

The maidens help the Shulammite remember why she loves her husband. They draw out of her exactly what she needs to remember about her husband, and exactly what she needs to say to her husband. She isn’t just moving toward him physically but also emotionally. The maidens are helping her to see through the hurt and frustration so that she can really see him and minister to him again. Maybe her thoughts will jog your memory:

He’s an honorable man (v. 10).

Song of Songs 5:10 “My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand.”

She recognizes a charisma in her husband. He has the admiration of his subjects and colleagues. In a crowded room of impressive men, she sees him as the most impressive. I’ve often heard men say that they are far more appreciated and valued at work than they are at home. They go to work and feel respected, but at home feel rejected. But, many wives don’t intend that. They admire their husbands, but fail to tell them. She remembers that about her husband, and she intends to tell him.

What’s honorable about your spouse? What makes you proud of them? Linger there for a while!

He’s a desirable lover (v. 11-16a).

Men are far more sensitive about their desirability than they want you to know. She knows Solomon must not have felt very desirable when she turned him away. But, as she thinks of him, she thinks of what a man of gentle, peaceful character he is (v. 12). She remembers how sweet and pleasant his natural demeanor is (v. 13). And, dog gone it, he’s handsome and strong and virile (v. 14-15). He’s desirable in every way (v. 16)!! She knows that, but does he?

What makes your spouse desirable? What is their most attractive quality and feature?

He’s an enjoyable friend (v. 16b).

Song of Song 5:16 “His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.”

Where she lands may be the sweetest yet! This isn’t just a lover; this is her best friend! Where would she be without her best friend? Who else would she look forward to spending such time with? A study was done several years back of couples who were married more than 50 years. All different backgrounds, socio-economic levels, but they found one common theme. Almost to a couple they said: “He/she is my best friend.”

Don’t you miss the friendship? Don’t you miss the laughs? Don’t you miss the stories? Don’t you miss the adventures?

To be the one, ultimately move toward them relationally.

Song of Songs 6:2-3 “My beloved has gone down to his garden to the beds of spices, to graze in the gardens and to gather lilies. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he grazes among the lilies.”

So, she finds him and goes to him (6:2) because she knows who he is, and she wants him to know what she thinks. There’s a euphemism here in grazing among the lilies in the garden. She’s stirred herself up toward him. She wants to be reunited with him relationally, emotionally, and physically. She’s not just going to think these thing; she’s going to enact them.

Have you sinned against your spouse? Will you be the one to go and repent? Have you carried forward debts and receipts? Will you be the one to go and forgive? Have you been so selfish as forget who they were? Will you be the one to remember and go?

Response: Resentment or Reconciliation?

She finds him in the garden, but the question shifts to: how will he respond? It takes two people to reconcile. In a relationship at different times, one will be the pursuer and the other the receiver, but it requires two committed, good-willed people to be reconciled. How will he respond?

Song of Solomon 6:4–10 ESV

You are beautiful as Tirzah, my love, lovely as Jerusalem, awesome as an army with banners. Turn away your eyes from me, for they overwhelm me— Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of ewes that have come up from the washing; all of them bear twins; not one among them has lost its young. Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil. There are sixty queens and eighty concubines, and virgins without number. My dove, my perfect one, is the only one, the only one of her mother, pure to her who bore her. The young women saw her and called her blessed; the queens and concubines also, and they praised her. “Who is this who looks down like the dawn, beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awesome as an army with banners?”

Reconciliation requires a humble response.

How does Solomon respond to his wife’s approach? “Turn your eyes away from me, for they overwhelm me!” Y’all need to try that one! He doesn’t respond with how she hurt him with her rejection. He doesn’t point out how childish and spiteful she was. He doesn’t try to get the last word in. He receives her in humility. He wants to be right with her just as badly as she wants to be right with him.

What we see here is the reversal of the cycle. Earlier, he acted selfishly, and she responded selfishly. Now, she acts selflessly, and he responds selflessly. Selfishness begets selfishness with any sinner. But, among good-willed, Christ-honoring people, selflessness begets selflessness.

Earlier, in the beginning of the quarrel, Solomon and the Shulammite had both been concerned with themselves and their expectations. But, now, they don’t talk at all about themselves. They refocus on the other person. In fact, Solomon, very similarly, lets his heart be rekindled toward his bride. Follow his example as to how to refocus your heart:

She’s irresistible (v. 4-7).

Song of Songs 6:4 “You are beautiful as Tirzah, my love, lovely as Jerusalem, awesome as an army with banners.”

Notice verse 4 in particular. He recognizes that she is beautiful and lovely on one hand, and she is awesome and provoking on the other (“awesome as an army with banners”). She is outwardly beautiful and inwardly strong. He’s attracted to her body and character. It’s the total package that he adores and is drawn to. Your wife needs to know that she’s the apple of your eye. She needs to know that you find her physically attractive, but she also needs to know that you love and are captivated by who she is and her character. That means, she doesn’t just need you to show interest at bedtime; she needs you to show interest at dinner time and bath time and leisure time.

What about your spouse leaves you in awe? What do they do that leaves amazed at the person they are? Tell them!

She’s incomparable (v. 8-9).

Song of Songs 6:8-9 “There are sixty queens and eighty concubines, and virgins without number. My dove, my perfect one, is the only one, the only one of her mother, pure to her who bore her. The young women saw her and called her blessed; the queens and concubines also, and they praised her.”

There are 140 other women that the world thinks it beautiful, but none of them compare favorably to his beloved. She is the ONE who is perfect for him. Brothers, our wives feel constantly measured by everyone in the world in a way we aren’t. I need you to feel that. Their motherhood is evaluated in a way our fatherhood isn’t. Just reality. Their beauty is measured in a way our attractiveness isn’t. Every ad and film and fashion trend is telling them of a comparison. So, many of them feel like failures all the time. But, you know her. You know who she is. You know what she does. She has to know that she’s your one. That she’s a success to you. That there’s no model on TV that can compare favorably with her. Understand, that’s why porn hurts so bad. That’s why your flirting hurts so bad. She has to know she’s the one that satisfies you.

Does your spouse feel like they’re being measured? Are you inviting other lovers through your computer screen? Think about who you have! No fantasy can compare to the real thing!

She’s breathtaking (v. 10).

Song of Songs 6:10 ““Who is this who looks down like the dawn, beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awesome as an army with banners?””

Think about “dawns/moons/sunrises”. You see them, and they take your breath way. They take your mind galaxies away. They refresh you. And, you never grow tired of them. The sun will set every day of your life, and yet you’ll still gaze upon it as a matter of reflex. Your wife is a celestial gift to you in a similar way, and she needs to hear it. You need to gaze upon her so that your breath can be taken away again. She needs to know that she has the security of knowing that you’ll never grow tired of her.

Husbands, many of your wives think that you’re bored with them. They don’t think you care about what happened to them on any given day. Brothers, don’t you see what a gift God has given to you? It’s a gift like the fresh mercies of dawn every morning. It’s a gift like a faithful rising sun. It’s a gift like the guiding light of a full moon.

Everybody gets what they want.

So, when the couple both responded selfishly, neither of them got what they wanted or needed. But, what we see is that when they respond selflessly they both get what they want. It’s interesting in the Bible how often it comes up that living comes by dying and dying comes by living, isn’t it? That’s the path of reconciliation. It’s turning toward when it’s easier to turn away. It’s focusing on the other person, when you want to focus on yourself. And, there’s never been a conflict that two self-denying people couldn’t overcome.

Repentant Bride Received by a Gracious Groom

And, there’s a picture of the gospel in that for us. Some of you may not have a good-willed husband or wife that is willing to reconcile. But, you aren’t left in the cold. You see, Jesus is the gracious groom who will always receive a repentant bride. In fact, you don’t have to go seeking him; He came seeking you. He’s ready and willing to be reconciled today. He’s ready to hold you close and comfort you. He’s inviting you to know the security of his love. With him, you find the one relationship that isn’t fickle.