Cycle of Conflict - Song of Songs 5:2-5:8

Introduction

The reason that I ended up off course when I went hiking is because the trail was different than I expected it to be. It wasn’t clearly marked, and when I encountered the obstacle, I had a decision to make. Depending on which way I went, I would either end up where I planned to be, or I would end up lost and a long way off.

That’s how a lot of us end up off course in our marriages, isn’t it? The journey just doesn’t go the way we expect it to. We find obstacles in our path, times when the trail isn’t clearly marked. A child gets sick, or one of you loses your job, or you have to become a caretaker for your parents. You find yourself getting attached to someone else at work, or marriage has just been a lot harder than you expected. And, in these moments when the trail isn’t clearly marked, in these moments when we encounter obstacles, the decisions that we make in those moments determine whether we end up where we planned to go or somewhere else a long way off.

God’s Word

Last night, as we looked at the Song of Songs, we left our young couple on their honeymoon. Remember what we said about the Song of Songs. It’s an album of love songs meant to tell an idyllic version of Solomon’s marriage to his Shulammite bride. And, the whole song is arranged so that it reaches its crescendo at 5:1 (the literal middle verse of the entire song) when the marriage is consummated physically between the new husband and the new bride. So, the first half is building up to that moment and the second half is digressing from it. So, this morning, we look at that digression, and we see a picture I think all of you will be able to relate to.

Song of Solomon 5:2-7 “I slept, but my heart was awake. A sound! My beloved is knocking. “Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night.” I had put off my garment; how could I put it on? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them? My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me. I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and gone. My soul failed me when he spoke. I sought him, but found him not; I called him, but he gave no answer. The watchmen found me as they went about in the city; they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my veil, those watchmen of the walls.”

Trouble in Paradise

Every honeymoon ends. Marriage is wonderful, but even the best marriage is painful. So, the next song in the album that plays is entitled, “Trouble in Paradise.” We have another dream following the honeymoon that is similar to the one we saw in chapter 3. And, just like chapter 3, it’s more of a nightmare for the bride than it is a dream. “(She) slept, but (her) heart was awake.” The Shulammite had cooked dinner and set the table and lit the candles and turned on the music, and everything was just right. And, she anxiously awaited her new husband to come home. And, she waited and she waited and she waited. Dinner got cold, she ate alone, and then she went to bed. That’s when Prince Charming finally decided to come home from a long day of ruling and judgements, and he is looking forward to snuggling in with his woman. And, what does he find? He finds a locked door. I’m sure there’s no one here who can relate.

Solomon knocks on the door, and sweet talks his bride. “Rapunzel, Rapunel let down your hair!” “My beloved/sister/love/dove/perfect one” I’ve been working hard (“for my head is wet with dew (after midnight)”), and being with you is what I’ve been thinking about all day. And, how does she respond? “I’d have to get up AND put on my robe AND slippers....It’s a whole big thing. I’m tired, and I have a headache.” Quickly, she changes her mind, but when she goes to open the door, he’s left already. We’re in conflict here, and it’s over one of the issues couple fight about most often — sex.

A Pattern of Conflict:

There’s a clear pattern that we see here of how they ended up in conflict, and it’s one that I find is common in my marriage and among those I’m close to. My guess is that you can think to the times of conflict in your marriage, and you’ll probably be able to identify with this pattern. But, maybe you’re here this morning, and you’d say that it’s not that you can’t remember a time when you were in conflict; it’s that you can’t remember a time when you were not in conflict. Of, maybe you’re finding yourself at each other more and more. It’s important for you to realize that whenever a pattern is repeated often enough, it eventually becomes a cycle. That is, if you repeat this pattern often enough, it’ll eventually become the norm and not the exception in your house. But, before you can address it, you have to understand it. First....

Most conflicts begin with two good-willed people.

By good-willed, what I mean is that we have two people here who want to be good with one another and who had no intention of causing conflict. This is where most conflicts begin. They don’t usually start out of meanness, but misunderstanding, miscommunication, or even sinful mistakes, but not meanness — though over enough painful years in can deteriorate into that. But, you’ll notice that the husband comes to his bride gently — that the picture painted by those five gushy pet names he calls her by. Perhaps, he knows he may have hurt her, or perhaps, he’s oblivious like many young husbands, but he comes to her gently and kindly. We see good will in her as well. The implications of her saying “I had put off” is that she had been dressed for him, but now got tired and gave up. Further, we see how quickly and easily she is won back over to him in verse 5, but he’s already gone. She wants to be right with her husband. These are two good willed people who care about each other.

If you’re here and at wit’s end with your marriage, I bet there’s a time in which you can think back to when you had two good-willed people. Perhaps, now, you just think you were naive, but perhaps you just weren’t cynical yet. But then...

Over time, unmet expectations frustrates good will.

So, how do they end up hurt and apart? That’s the next part of the pattern: they both had unmet expectations. James tells us in chapter 4 that our anger and conflicts are the result of us wanting something and not receiving it. We can certainly see that here, can’t we? The bride wanted her husband to spend time with her before midnight and to romance her, and the husband wanted his bride to wait up for him and be excited to see him. But, neither of those expectations is met. A lot of the conflict among good-willed couples can be boiled down to unmet expectations. You don’t talk like you expected, and he doesn’t help around the house like you expected, or she doesn’t appreciate you the way you expected.

This isn’t just a marriage issue. This is a life issue. The degree of happiness you experience is directly related to your ability to cope with unmet expectations. Paul David Tripp wrote: “None of us gets our dream in the way that we dreamt it, because none of us is writing our own stories.”

The difference in marriage is that we have someone else we can pin the problem to. Our unmet expectations, our failed dreams, our disappointments have a face and a name, and they’re eating Doritos on the couch. So, our spouses can become a tangible target for all of our miseries.

Think of how much potential there is for unmet expectations:

We’re married to sinners who will sin against us.

When we’re dating we hide our worst sides, and we overlook the negative we see in the other person. We always give them the benefit of the doubt. I’d bet the thoughtless side of Solomon had always been there, and I’d bet the spiteful side of the Shulammite had been too. But, when we go to sleep with them there and wake up with them there and come home from work with them there, you just can’t suppress your sinful nature that long. And, it’s really hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt when they’ve just crushed your soul.

There’s a reason that Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13 that love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. It’s because people that are close enough to love one another will wrong one another a lot. In 1 Corinthians 7, he even encourages singleness to spare you from “worldly troubles.” Now, of course, there’s financial concerns and family concerns involved with “worldly troubles.” But, you have to believe that the pain of living with another sinner is included too.

Sinners let people down. It’s what we do. It’s our nature. Sinners don’t always keep their word. Sinners don’t always hold their tongue. Sinners won’t meet expectations, and you’ve got one in your house all the time.....and so does your husband!

The only way two sinners can coexist under one roof for a long time is with a lot of grace.

We’re married to people who think differently than us.

Not all unmet expectations are the result of sin. Many of them are the result of just being different people who see life through different eyes. Our expectations are not usually developed from the Bible. They’re developed from our individual life experiences, personalities, and giftings.

Megan and I see the world through very different eyes. Over the years, she’s moved toward me some, and I’ve moved toward her some. But, we’re still very different. It took a long time for me to realize that much of my frustration wasn’t from her doing something wrong. It was from her doing something differently than I would do it. I’m left-brained, and she’s right brained. I’m business-minded, and she’s people-minded. I’m more bookish, and she’s more mechanical and practical. I’m driven and fiery, and she’s settled and calm.

Now, if you think about it, it’s really beautiful that God would bring us together, isn’t it? We compliment one another beautifully. But, when it comes to how to spend an extra $1000 or how to discipline children, there’s a lot of room for frustration.

If we don’t learn how to process the different ways that we see the world, we won’t slow down to appreciate the beautiful diversity God has placed in our marriage.

We’re married to people who will change with time.

Stanley Hauerwas once wrote: “We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being the (enormous thing it is) means we are no the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is…learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom yourself married.”

We married incomplete people, and our spouses did too. All of us have areas of strength and areas of weakness. All of us are growing, evolving, and maturing into the person we will yet become.

My wife has been married to at least 5 different men, all of whom had my name and social security number.

We can resent the change, or we can embrace it.

If you find yourself in ongoing conflict with one another or if you find yourself always battling internal resentment and anger toward your spouse, a good question to ask is: What am I wanting that I’m not getting? What expectations do I have that aren’t being met?

Unmet expectations without good will turns to selfishness.

Essentially, that’s what we see in our couple here. They began always thinking about the other person. The Shulammite is always singing about and to her beloved, and Solomon directs all of his attention to the Shulammite. It’s never about themselves. It’s about the other. But, there’s a change here. They both turn inward and think about themselves. And, nothing is more fatal to a marriage than selfishness.

Think of how we see this in the husband. Every experienced husband could’ve told you this wasn’t going to go well. He doesn’t spend time with his wife or talk with her or romance her, but he expects her to operate after midnight on his schedule — selfishness. But, the Shulammite responds in kind. She dramatizes how much trouble it is, and tantalizes him through the locked door that she is undressed beneath the sheets — selfish. They’ve entered into a pattern where selfishness meets selfishness. Both people are concerned with their own expectations. Both people are worried about what they didn’t get. Both people are responding so that they can make their point. They’ve made it so that their whole universe revolves around themselves. It’s no longer about the marriage it’s about me.

You see, very often, the expectations we have reveal how selfish we are. And, the resentment we feel is that our spouse doesn’t place us at the center of universe the way we place ourselves there. Think about this.

We want a spouse in our image, not God’s.

“I always feel like a project. Everything that I do doesn’t feel good enough. I just don’t feel like she likes me very much.”

Of course, we’re meant to be a sanctifying agent in the life of our spouse. But, we have to be careful that our concern is God’s image, not our own. We’re so self-centered that we often make ourselves the standard by which we judge our spouses. Many of the changes we want to make in our spouse are not because they are in sin or struggling with spiritual immaturity. It’s simply because we want them to be different people than God has made them to be.

So, you see, that difference may not mean they need to change. It may mean that you need to change. God may be using them as a sanctifying agent in your life. I don’t need my wife to speed up. I need to become more patient. I don’t need her to spend less money showing kindness to others. I need to become more generous.

We want a spouse that lives by our Law, not God’s.

James 4:1-2 “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.”

One of the most common issues that many marriages are facing is anger. The most common question I’m asked, especially by men, is: Why am I so angry all the time? James helps us to see the answer. We have desires that are unmet. There are things we covet that we haven’t received.

We’re so self-centered that we’re prone to recreate the Law, removing God at the center and placing ourselves. Dinner cooked and ready by 6. Watch my favorite show in my favorite chair uninterrupted. Sex at least three times per week. Now, we’d never verbalize these things. But, they’re the law of expectations that we’ve placed in our hearts by which we’re evaluating our spouses, and they likely don’t even know about the law their transgressing.

You see, our spouses reveal the idols and evil that’s already in our hearts. It’s one of the ways marriage reveals the gospel. God puts us into this lifelong relationship with someone we’re committed to love that we can crash into and be refined into his image.

But, too often, we just turn inward. We expect them to change, not ourselves.

When selfishness meets selfishness, nobody gets what they want.

Think of the responses here: the wife had wanted to be with her husband all day, and then she stonewalls him when he gets home. The husband had wanted to enjoy his wife all day, but then he withdraws from her when she comes to him. Who here gets what they want? Nobody!!! When selfishness meets selfishness, nobody wins, and the natural outcome is relational distance. In fact, the Bride says that she says, “The watchmen…beat me, the bruised me.” That is, her stonewalling didn’t make her feel better, but worse. The “watchmen” is her conscience. She feels guilty and shameful for responding as she did.

Is your marriage the result of two good-willed people growing apart because of a cycle of selfishness and unmet expectations? My goodness, stop doubling down and stonewalling. Stop dwelling on how you’ve been failed and withdrawing. That’s not working! It’s not helping you or them! It only leads to guilt, shame, and distance. Recognize that you’re not center of the universe so that you can be right with Jesus, and when you’re right with Jesus, when you’re living the selfless, crucified life, you can move toward being right with your spouse.

A pattern becomes a cycle.

You see, if you continue retreating to your corners and doubling down on your selfishness, then eventually what began as a pattern turns into a cycle. When selfishness meets selfishness, frustration turns to distance, and if we’re not careful, distance can turn to resentment. And, there’s no limit to the harm resentment can cause in a marriage.

Here’s what has to happen for your marriage to avoid a cycle like that (or to begin the long process of breaking out of it): Someone has to be willing to do the hard work of restoring good will. Someone in the marriage has to begin the process of getting over themselves, focusing on the good of the other person, and begin the process of restoring good will so that you can get back on course. That’s what we’ll discuss after the break.