Two Become One

Intro

If you are married here today and have been for let’s say at least 5-7 years. I want you to think back to those first couple of years and think about the stuff you and your spouse used to fight about.

And I want you to consider for a minute how stupid some of those things were.

I can remember in Katelyn and I’s first year of marriage getting into an argument with her about tacos. How you ask? Let me explain.

Katelyn and I were both full time college students when we got married. One day I had come home from class to our duplex apartment and Katelyn had decided to make tacos for dinner, which was great because I love tacos.

Now, there are certain rules to the universe like gravity, conservation of energy, and time.

And when it comes to tacos, I lived by the universal rule that there are certain toppings required for something to be considered a taco.

Well, Katelyn apparently lived according to a different set of rules. In her world, the only topping needed was lettuce.

Taco shell + taco meat + lettuce = taco

To me that broke a fundamental law of taco making because it was missing one of the key components, any guesses.

If you thought cheese you know how to make a taco. We didn’t have any cheese, tomatoes, or taco sauce.

Well, being the mature 21 year old that I was, I acted like an idiot and got mad at her. Here she is making us dinner after being at class all day and working a work study job. And I had the nerve to not only complain, but the two of us got into a heated argument… over tacos.

This sounds silly, and in the grand scheme of life it is. But it highlighted a very real challenge that married people face, especially early on.

It is the challenge of two people who, prior to marriage lived two different lives with different experiences and different expectations who now all of the sudden have merged these lives together into something completely new.

In Katelyn’s experiences and expectations, what she was making was perfectly normal.

In my experiences and expectations, it was weird.

And it created friction

And I would imagine that if you think about it long enough you will think of things that you either used to argue over or maybe even still do that are the result of the very challenge I am describing.

This morning is part 2 of our Tighten the Knot marriage series.

Some of you are aware, others may not be. I am a trained and certified pre-marital, marriage, and parenting facilitator of a counseling program called Prepare and Enrich. Some of the things I am going to share with you are from my training and experience in helping couples through this program.

Today I want to talk about the challenge of two people becoming one.

And while it is a challenge, it is also the framework that God designed marriage around.

Everything that makes a marriage great, stems from the idea of two lives being merged into one completely new one.

And if we don’t get this part right, then we will struggle to have the kind of marriage that not only can survive the trials of life, but will thrive in them.

Power in the Text

In the 19th chapter of the Gospel of Matthew we see Jesus ministering to a large crowd as he healed their sick.

While he was performing these miracles, a group of Pharisees (religious leaders) came and tried to trap Jesus by getting him to contradict the law of Moses.

They asked him if a man should be able to divorce his wife for any reason, because according to Moses all he had to do was issue her a certificate of divorce.

Matthew 19:4-6 NLT 4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’ 5 And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

Here Jesus quotes from Genesis, telling the disciples that in the beginning, God created both man and woman to be united together as one.

This union is indicative of each person leaving the protection of their parents in order to be forever joined to their spouse.

In marriage, there is a bond that brings two people together that changes the dynamic they have with all their other relationships.

In an instant, your spouse becomes united with you, while those who raised you are moved into a different position.

Here Jesus is reaffirming what the Old Testament teaches about marriage. He makes it clear that marriage according the author of marriage, God himself, is a unique union that was always intended to be between one man and one woman.

1 man + 1 woman = biblical marriage.

Any distortion or twisting of that equation is a violation of God’s creative purposes, and therefore an act of sin and disobedience to God.

Whether we are talking about polygamy, gay marriage, open marriages, co-habitation (benefits of marriage without the commitment and covenant; never truly one), even multiple marriages.

Look at verse 6...

Matthew 19:6 NLT 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

Here Jesus is focusing on the fact that, in marriage, if the husband and wife are no longer two separate individuals but something different, something new, something better, and if God is the one who joined them together, then we have no business splitting that apart.

This is why divorce is so hard. Because you are trying to separate two people who are no longer two people.

Big Idea/Why it Matters

It is important that we understand that marriage is a union that is spiritual as well as physical.

The physical union of a married couple on their wedding night and beyond is an important part. However, a married couple becomes one in many ways that can be seen outside of their physical union.

Whenever our spouse is lacking in finances, energy, or time, it affects us as well, because of the connection we have.

Our oneness is present in our schedules, our goals, the things that we own, and even the tradition of sharing the same last name.

Another way we can see oneness displayed in a marriage relationship is in all the things that are done jointly. In many cases, a married couple is going to be on the mortgage together, share a bank account, and even file taxes jointly, because their household is now combined.

If they have children, this oneness is also seen in this little being they make together who shares their DNA. The child is a perfect representation of the oneness that the married couple has.

A successful marriage begins with leaving your old life. In effect, you leave all other relationships. The closest relationship outside of marriage is with our parents, Jesus here is implying that if it is necessary to leave your father and mother, then certainly all lesser ties must be changed, and in some cases, be left behind.

This doesn’t mean that when you get married, you are no longer a son or a daughter or a sibling. But what it does mean is that you have a new, primary responsibility, and that is to your spouse.

The reason there is conflict in so many of our marriages is because we have failed to leave our old lives behind to truly become one with our spouse.

We think we can have our cake and eat it too. The reality is, you can’t make your spouse a priority without letting go of old ones.

Application

I want you to think about your marriage and this idea of oneness. How “one” are you? I believe there are things that we do that prevent us from really experiencing the oneness Jesus is talking about.

I want you to consider a few of these things.

If you are married and have to make a big decision, if you are more worried about what your parents think over what your spouse thinks, you have not learned to leave and be united.

How do you view your money? Do you have your money and their money? Do you sill have separate bank accounts? This is not necessarily a popular opinion, but as long a you are viewing your household resources as yours and their’s, you have not learned to leave and be united.

If you can’t trust your spouse enough with finances to do that then there is a bigger issue that needs to be addressed.

How about when you make a big purchase? Do you just do it or do you discuss it first? Failure to do that shows a lack of respect to our spouse and the fact that the money you are spending is equally their’s.

How about parenting. How united are you in parenting? How much conflict does parenting create in your marriage? Do you undermine your spouse with your kids when you don’t agree with them?

What about in the way you talk about your spouse to others. I get it, sometimes you just need to vent.

I would imagine Katelyn’s friends all thought I was big jerk about those tacos.

But honestly, are you painting a negative picture of your spouse to others? Are you in the business of building them up or tearing them down?

These are just a few areas where couples tend to struggle the most when it comes to being united as one.

Maybe there are some areas in your marriage where you know that you are struggling to feel very united. What can you do about it? Well, the single most effective thing you can do is communicate.

But to really communicate effectively it will require two key components.

Assertiveness

Active listening

By assertiveness I mean the ability to express your feelings and ask for what you want in the relationship.

In successful marriages, both couples need to be assertive. Rather than assuming your partner can read your mind, you have to be willing to share how you feel and ask clearly and directly for what you want from your spouse.

You need to avoid statement that begin with “you” and rather take responsibility for your message using “I” statements.

An example might be saying to your spouse, “I want to rent a cabin in the mountains for vacation this winter, but I know you really like to go to the beach. I’m feeling frustrated that we always go to the beach, can we find some time to talk about this?”

“I know you told our daughter she could go to that sleepover, but I feel disrespected that you didn’t discuss it with me first because I don’t think it is a good idea. Can we talk about this when the kids go to bed tonight?”

What causes conflict is when a spouse is not assertive and chooses to stay quiet because they believe that not speaking up will keep the peace in the house.

The problem is that in the short term this might work, but in the long term you are sowing and watering seeds of resentment that ultimately lead to division in your relationship.

Now for the other piece, active listening. By active listening, I mean the ability to let your spouse know you understand them but restating their message.

The Bible says in James 1:19 NLT 19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.

Good communication depends on you carefully listening to the other person.

Active listening involves listening attentively without interruption and then restating what was heard.

You need to acknowledge not only the content of what was said, but the feelings of the one saying it as well.

Let’s go back to my examples. An active listener may say to their spouse regarding the vacation, “If I understand what you said, you want to go to a cabin next winter but you think I would rather go to the beach, is that correct?”

Or, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t think our daughter should go to sleepover, but because I didn’t talk with you about before giving her permission you feel like I don’t respect your thoughts on the matter.”

When each person knows what the other person feels and wants (assertiveness) and when each knows they have been heard and understood (active listening), intimacy and oneness is increased. These two very simple communication skills can help you grow closer as a couple.

Closing

Oneness is the key to a great marriage. It is the key because that is how God designed it to work. Everything works better when it is working the way it was designed to. It is when we start to make changes to the design the things start to wear out and break down.

I tried this morning to bring you a message that was both rich in its depth but also applicable for your marriages.

To add one more piece to the applicable component I am leaving on the back table a communication exercise that I use with the couples I meeting with on communication. Please feel free to take two with you, one for each spouse. The directions are fairly self-explanatory.

God bless and see you next week.