The Father wound

Introduction

Today we continue our lineage study on Jesus in our series 23andme. We’ve taken a look at several names in the lineage of Jesus. Today we are going to be looking at a person who isn’t the most well known, but their influence is undeniable. Today we are discussing Jesse, the father of David.

When some people become famous, they do so more out of proximity as opposed to achievement. There is a current retired MLB middle reliever who’s become extremely famous in the coming years. His fame has little to do with his athletic achievements. Some die hard baseball fans might remember him as a well traveled pitcher from the mid 10 late 1990’s. No, the reason this man is famous is because of his son. The man's name? Pat Mahomes Sr, made famous by the accomplishments of his son Patrick Mahomes the 2nd.

Jesse the father of David was made famous because of the notoriety of his son. Though we have little information about Jesse, there is a lesson to be learned from him. The lesson Jesse teaches us is a cautionary tale. The front end of today's message might seem heavy, difficult, and hard. However I believe the conclusion of this message will be one that inspires hope.

So what is this cautionary tale we see unfold in the life of Jesse?

READ 1st Samuel 16:1-11

1 Samuel 16:1–11 ESV

The Lord said to Samuel, “How long will you grieve over Saul, since I have rejected him from being king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil, and go. I will send you to Jesse the Bethlehemite, for I have provided for myself a king among his sons.” And Samuel said, “How can I go? If Saul hears it, he will kill me.” And the Lord said, “Take a heifer with you and say, ‘I have come to sacrifice to the Lord.’ And invite Jesse to the sacrifice, and I will show you what you shall do. And you shall anoint for me him whom I declare to you.” Samuel did what the Lord commanded and came to Bethlehem. The elders of the city came to meet him trembling and said, “Do you come peaceably?” And he said, “Peaceably; I have come to sacrifice to the Lord. Consecrate yourselves, and come with me to the sacrifice.” And he consecrated Jesse and his sons and invited them to the sacrifice. When they came, he looked on Eliab and thought, “Surely the Lord’s anointed is before him.” But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” Then Jesse called Abinadab and made him pass before Samuel. And he said, “Neither has the Lord chosen this one.” Then Jesse made Shammah pass by. And he said, “Neither has the Lord chosen this one.” And Jesse made seven of his sons pass before Samuel. And Samuel said to Jesse, “The Lord has not chosen these.” Then Samuel said to Jesse, “Are all your sons here?” And he said, “There remains yet the youngest, but behold, he is keeping the sheep.” And Samuel said to Jesse, “Send and get him, for we will not sit down till he comes here.”

Saul is not working out as king, and God had someone else ready to replace him. In a vision God tells Samuel to find Jesse of Bethlehem, because one of his sons would become king.

One by one each of Jesse's sons are brought out before Samuel. Each time God informs Samuel they are not the king that God had in mind. Eventually Samuel and Jesse had an awkward situation. All the sons Jesse had brought before Samuel were not the king that God had in mind. So Samuel asks Jesse a simple question. Are these all the sons you have? Jesse tells Samuel. Well my youngest son is out tending the sheep, his name is David. Samuel asks that David be summoned. Upon David’s arrival, it’s revealed that he is the son of Jesse who will succeed Saul as king.

There is a subtle, yet extremely important detail in this story. When Jesse was informed that one of his sons was to be the next king, David was excluded from Jesse's list of possible candidates. Jesse didn’t even consider David as being a possibility to be the next king. Jesse made it clear that he didn’t believe in David. The only reason Jesse brought him out was because Samuel requested. Even when 6 of the 7 sons had been rejected as the next king, Jesse still didn’t believe it could possibly be David.

In fairness to Jesse, there could have been a good reason why he didn’t believe David would be the one God selected to be the next king. David was the youngest son, perhaps Jesse believed him to be too young to be a king. Regardless, Jesse obviously didn’t believe David could be the future king God had in mind.

How do you think this made David feel? To realize his father didn’t believe in him. To realize that Jesse found the idea of David being king so preposterous, he didn’t even invite him as a candidate? It seems that David carried a father wound, likely because of this interaction. Jesse’s lack of belief in David would carry consequences. Because of Jesse’s lack of belief in David, it seems the moment and interaction left David with a Parental wound. This is a psychological concept explaining negative behavior adults have from a negative interaction with their parents. The parent-wound can manifest itself in the following ways.

Anger issues,

Being either too distant or too clingy

Being a perfectionist

Projecting

Lack of commitment (David was unwilling to commit and discipline his children when it was needed. David would inflict a parental wound himself.

In 2nd Samuel chapters 13-19 we see the story of the rebellion of Absalom, David’s son. Absalom led a rebellion against David, and he would eventually be killed by David’s right-hand man Joab. However what’s notable is the event which led Absalom down the road to rebellion.

Absalom rebelled because of a parental wound inflicted by David. Absalom would have a sister named Tamar, she was raped and rejected by another one of David’s half-sons. The scripture said that David was furious with Amnon, however David did nothing to punish Amnon for his crime. This would lead Absalom to seethe with anger and resentment towards David and Amnon. Absalom would have a father wound.

Absalom would plot the murder of Amnon, which he eventually succeeded in committing. Absalom would then plan to overthrow and murder his father David.

This whole situation was avoidable if David would have only disciplined Amnon. However due to a father wound that David himself carried, he would remain passive.

The story of Jesse and the father wound he left on David is a cautionary tale. If a parental wound goes left unchecked, it will often manifest itself in unhealthy ways. People with parental wounds will often inflict them as well. This story illustrates this truth. Some of you may carry father wounds as David carried one. A person who inflicts a parental wound does not have to be an evil person. Jesse was not an evil person, overall he was considered an honorable man. However it doesn’t change the fact he inflicted a father wound on David by not believing him worthy of being considered to be the king that replaced Saul. So how do we address a parental wound?

Recognize the cause: We must be intentional about recognizing what may cause a parental wound. The wound is always the result of provocation in some sort. In Ephesians chapter 6 fathers (and parents in general) are given instructions in how they are to conduct themselves as a parent. READ Ephesians 6:1-5

Ephesians 6:4–5 ESV

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ,

Paul says fathers are not to provoke their children into anger. Because these provocations can create a parental wound. Saying something like this would have been a big deal. In 1st century Greco-Roman culture, children were viewed as property. If a household wants to sell their child into servitude, they are justified. Suffice it to say, the feelings of children aren’t well regarded. For Paul to suggest we consider the feelings of children is a big deal. When we look at the word “provoke” it’s easy for us to assume Paul is telling us not to antagonize our kids. However it’s more than that. If Paul were to say this today, he’d likely caution us to “be mindful how our behaviors affect children.” If we are commanded to not provoke our children into anger, we must first and foremost be familiar with possible provocation.

Abuse

Being absent

Not believing in your child

Difficulty obtaining approval.

These are possible ways we can provoke children into anger. We must be intentional in avoiding them, so we do not inflict a parental wound of any type.

Forgiveness If you carry a parental wound, you must forgive the parent responsible for the wound. If you know you are responsible for a parental wound, you must seek forgiveness.

We love talking about how much we’ve been forgiven.

However we aren’t as keen in giving forgiveness ourselves

Forgiveness is God’s healing agent. He gives it to us to heal our spirits. He also commands us to administer it, so the spiritual wounds of those who may have wronged us are healed. To withhold forgiveness is to withhold medicine.

If we withhold forgiveness because of how we were wronged, by our parents or otherwise, we may become like Absalom. Or worse, our children will.

It’s imperative that we do not leave parental wounds unchecked in our children, like all wounds they will grow and fester. So please if you are a parent, grandparent, future parent. Be mindful of how our behaviors can wound, and in all things seek forgiveness. And teach your children well. Your father's pain did slowly go by, And feed them on your dreams. The one they pick's the one you'll know by