Marriage Mistakes

Idealistic Distortion

Do you remember your wedding day? Do you remember the months and weeks that led up to it? Was there a sense of excitement and optimism.

I mean, you were about to marry the person of your dreams. If you didn’t feel that way then you probably wouldn’t have asked them to marry you.

It was an exciting time, full of optimism and promise.

And this is typically the way most engaged couples see their future. They see their future together through an optimistic lens, some might say maybe even an unrealistic one.

In the Bible there is this unique book called Song of Solomon, some translations call it the Song of Songs.

It essentially reads like a love song between a bride and her groom. throughout we see the man speaking poetically about his new bride and in return his new bride speaking poetically about him.

It is clear when you read their words that they were like many young, newly married couples today.

Look at how Solomon speaks about his new bride.

Song of Solomon 4:1-4 NLT 1 You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead. 2 Your teeth are as white as sheep, recently shorn and freshly washed. Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin.

3 Your lips are like scarlet ribbon; your mouth is inviting. Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates behind your veil. 4 Your neck is as beautiful as the tower of David, jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes.

Then again he says...

Song of Solomon 4:9-10 NLT 9 You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace. 10 Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices.

King Solomon was intense. I don’t think I have ever compared Katelyn’s teeth to freshly washed sheep, but apparently back then that would score a husband some points with the Mrs.

But you can hear the passion in his words. These are clearly the words of a newlywed.

They probably hadn’t had their first fight yet. Solomon, like most engaged or newlywed couples today likely struggled with what we call in pre-marital counseling “idealistic distortion”.

It is a fancy term that means a person sees their relationship through rose-colored glasses. They are unrealistically positive. Meaning they ignore anything that might be a possible roadblock in their relationship and only focus on what makes it great.

So when you ask a young couple what are some areas where they feel their relationship needs to grow, they struggle to think of any because they want to believe things are so great that they don’t have any.

The problem with idealist distortion is that it prevents you from seeing the truth about the relationship you are in. And as they say, eventually the honeymoon ends and reality sets in and this person you couldn’t wait to marry doesn’t look they way they used to anymore.

Now you see flaws, imperfections, and negative character traits that didn’t seem to bother you earlier in your relationship.

Those flaws eventually become sources of conflict that if left undealt with can lead to divorce.

Power in the Text

Paul in his letter to the Church in Ephesus is encouraging the Christians there to remember that that they have been saved and therefore called by God to live differently than they did before they came to a saving knowledge of Jesus.

Ephesians 4:17-19 NLT 17 With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. 18 Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. 19 They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity.

Here Paul is reminding these Gentiles Christians, and remember a Gentile was anyone who wasn’t Jewish, of how they used to think and act.

Before they knew Jesus they were hopelessly lost and confused. Their minds were full of darkness. They weren’t capable of living godly lives because their hearts were infected and enslaved by sin.

He goes on though to say, this is how you used to be, but that isn’t them anymore.

Ephesians 4:20-24 NLT 20 But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. 21 Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, 22 throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. 23 Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. 24 Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.

Paul is reminding this Church that while they used to live in darkness, they have been set free. They no longer have to obey the sin they used to be prisoners of.

Now, through the power of the Holy Spirit they can live righteous and godly lives.

But how many here know that this sounds great, but so often our present realities don’t look like this. We mess up, we get angry, we say things we shouldn’t, we let bitterness guide us.

This is true of life in general, but it is also true of our marriages. Marriage as we said in the first part of this series was created by God and given to humanity as a gift prior to the fall.

Because of our rebellion and the curse of sin, the gift of marriage was twisted like everything else God created for our good.

So now marriage rather than being a gift, for many has become a painful experience riddled with heartache, frustration, bitterness, or betrayal.

So Paul here is telling us that it doesn’t have to be that way. As followers of Jesus we can live differently. It will be this different way of living that transforms every relationship in our lives, including our marriages.

But in order for that to happen we need to also remember that even as Christians we are going to make mistakes.

We are not always going to get it right and when that happens we need to have a different perspective then we did before we knew Jesus.

Ephesians 4:30-32 NLT 30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Big Idea/Why it Matters

We all make mistakes in life and have to live with the consequences. Trust me, in marriage, you will have plenty of opportunity to make mistakes.

When you consider how throughout our lifetimes each person in the marriage relationship is always changing, growing, and going through their own issues and struggles, mistakes are bound to be made.

While married, we share in our spouse’s decisions and also their mistakes; therefore, we are put in the position to live out being gracious, forgiving, and merciful as a reflection of how Christ has dealt with us.

As believers, we should strive to live out being forgiving toward our spouse, which can be challenging—especially since the relationship we have with them affects our lives the most.

In Ephesians 4:32 NLT, we see a call to be kind, tenderhearted and forgiving to one another.

When our spouse has hurt our feelings, ignored us all day, or treated us poorly, the last thing we want to do is be tenderhearted toward them.

But God has been kind and tender toward us in the midst of our own sin against him, and we should display the same love.

All relationships, including marriage relationships will have conflict because of the mistakes one or both of us will make in the relationship.

The important thing is that you learn how to resolve the conflict before it turns into something worse.

Listen, there is nothing you have done or could do in this life that will separate you from the love of God, nothing.

There is nothing you have done that is beyond God’s desire and ability to forgive you for because Jesus’ death on the cross paid for it once and for all time.

Likewise, there is no mistake in your marriage that God is not capable of handling. No matter how small or how big the mistake is, God is in the business of forgiveness and reconciliation.

But for healing to take place or for resolution to conflict to be possible, husbands and wives must be willing to both seek and grant forgiveness.

Application

Jesus emphasizes the importance of forgiving others in...

Matthew 6:14-15 NLT 14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Taking time to seek and grant forgiveness can play a powerful role in healing and restoring the marriage relationship when a mistake is made, whether small or great.

Forgiveness is the decision or choice to give up the right for vengeance, retribution, and negative thoughts toward an offender in order to be free from anger and resentment.

This process promotes healing and restoration of inner peace, and it can allow reconciliation to take place in the relationship.

However, as important as defining forgiveness is, it is also important to be clear about what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness is not...

forgetting, condoning, or perpetuating injustice.

Since it is sometimes unsafe or impossible, forgiveness does not always involve reconciliation, especially if the person you are forgiving does not want it.

Forgiveness is not always quick; it is a process that can take time to unfold. It is important that you don’t rush your spouse if they need to spend days or weeks working through the process of granting you forgiveness.

For you note takers, here are 6 steps for seeking forgiveness.

Admit what you did was wrong or hurtful.

Leave your pride at the door or don’t walk through it at all

Try to empathize with the pain you have caused.

You may not feel like what you did should have caused the hurt it did, but it doesn’t matter what you think, the pain is real for your spouse so try to see that.

Take responsibility for your actions and make restitution if necessary.

Do not blame anything or anyone else. When you attempt to do that you are merely making excuses.

Assure your spouse you will not do it again.

You are not perfect, and some mistakes may be harder than others to overcome, but if you believe you will inevitably do it again, you likely will.

Apologize and ask for forgiveness.

Give them the time and space they need to do so.

Forgive yourself.

This is vital in moving forward.

Likewise, here are 6 steps for granting forgiveness.

Acknowledge your pain and anger. Allow yourself to feel disrespected.

Don’t believe the lie that it isn’t godly to be upset when someone has hurt you. This type of thinking has led many people to never dealing with the pain others have caused them and instead of forgiveness, resentment takes over.

Be specific about your future expectations and limits.

You may need to establish some guidelines with your spouse depending on the severity of the mistake that needs forgiven.

Give up your right to “get even”, but insist on being treated better in the future.

It’s okay to expect respect. But when we forgive we must let go of the desire for retribution.

Let go of blame, resentment, and negativity toward your spouse.

This is the biggest roadblock to forgiveness. We must take on the attitude of Jesus here.

Communicate your act of forgiveness.

You need to say it, and your spouse needs to hear that you have forgiven them.

Work toward reconciliation.

Closing

What we are talking about this morning isn’t easy, but it is necessary if you hope to have the kind of marriage that we have been discussing the last couple of weeks.

In an effort to help, I am providing another activity for you to try with your spouse that outlines how to resolve an ongoing conflict in your relationship (one per couple).

Remember, we are talking about tightening the knot. I hope you looked at the activity I gave you last week.

The biggest mistake couples make in marriage is thinking they don’t need to work on anything. That they don’t need to tighten the knot.

A long marriage is something to be admired, but don’t assume a long marriage is the same thing as a healthy one. Whether its been 5 years or 75 years, let’s strive for healthy ones.