03-07-2023 - Cindy Vyborny - Pastoral Care

The goal of grieving is not to get things back to normal. After a loss, one’s entire life may change. The goal is to find and accept a new “normal,”

Rule Outs

1. To determine if the grieving process has cycled downward into a debilitating depression, ask: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being great and 10 being extremely depressed, where would you put yourself today? (If depression is evident, be sure to seek a professional referral.)

2. Do you have any thoughts of hurting yourself? (If suicidal tendencies are evident, get other professional help immediately.)

General Questions

The main reason for the recent increase in infant mortality is the increase in the number of babies born at very low birth weight.

Note: These are directed toward someone who is grieving over a death but could be recast for the person who is grieving loss for other reasons.

1. Who has died? Share your favorite memories of this person.

Several miscarriages. Their one daughters twin passed away at birth.

Also previous counseling, she was lied to about charges and deceitful.

2. Was the death especially traumatic? (For example, was it a sudden accident or death at home?) Where were you when the death occurred? (Listen for ways that the person may be blaming self or feeling guilty for what has happened. For example, was he or she driving the car that had the accident? Was he or she the passenger who survived a car accident while the other person did not? Process these feelings with the grieving person.)

3. How did you feel after the death? What emotions have you had since the death? What emotions do you currently feel most often? Does this loss remind you of any other loss that you have experienced?

4. Who else knows what you have been going through? Who is supporting you emotionally and spiritually?

5. At what level are you functioning right now? Tell me about a typical day. What is the toughest task you now have to do alone? What kind of help can we get for you to get that done well?

6. When are your best times? When are your worst times?

Address any issues the person may have of wanting to die or not having a reason to live and give a referral for medical or professional counseling intervention, if necessary.

Assess how the person is functioning in daily life and what help he or she might need.

Reassure the person that the process will take time and that the range and intensity of grief emotions he or she is experiencing are normal.

Remind the client that each person’s grieving experience is unique, while at the same time normalizing the process by identifying it as one you have seen with all persons suffering some important loss.

A couple or family dealing with the loss of a child or a spouse dealing with the loss of his or her mate may be experiencing traumatic stress. An important first step of recovery is having the person tell his or her story and experience. The process of telling one’s experience will help the grieving person make sense of his or her situation and their healing journey.

The Quick-Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling 5 Action Steps

5 ACTION STEPS

Not everyone goes through each of these “stages.” You may cycle through some experiences several times. There is no “right” order. There is no magic time limit when you suddenly are done with grieving. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own speed. You will know inside when the process is nearing completion. Grief is a process, and it takes time to digest. Give yourself permission to grieve.

[1]David W. Wiersbe, Gone but Not Lost: Grieving the Death of a Child (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 2011).

Homework, do something in memory of them. Make cookies and go give out, make a meal once a week or once a month and give away or invite others to your house in honor of them… Get creative to think of something you can do in memory of them.