Conflict Resolution

Introduction

Relationships are tough

In Dallas, a 37 year old man was beaten to death by his roommate

They couldn’t agree on what temperature to set the thermostat...

In my house, I am the heat source!

The dog smothers me and my wife puts her freezer-burned hands all over me

In Orlando, a 48 year old man was shot to death

Why? It was a fight over the remote control

Jim Gaffigan says, “I hold the remote control because I’m the man!”

“My wife picks all the shows we watch, but I hold the remote control!”

In that house, the fight over the remote was literally a fight to the death...

In California, a guys girlfriend stabbed him to death

Why? He went to McDonald’s and got her an egg and cheese bagel

When he KNEW she asked for an egg and cheese McMuffin...

Come on, no one orders an egg and cheese bagel! What a jerk...

It doesn’t take much for humans to create tension

Were always looking for reasons to accuse, to divide and even to turn to violence

YouVersion: Conflict Resolution

We’re in Genesis 21:22-34

We’re going to see some contention today

But also two men who work it out well

As I mentioned, humans can’t help but create tension

As Christians, we’re called to be above the anger, violence and quarreling

We are held to a higher standard:

Romans 12:17–18 (ESV)

17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

That’s our standard

We’re supposed to be peacemakers

No peace breakers or peace fakers

As we turn to Genesis 21, we see Abraham meets an old acquantance

Remember the issue between Abraham and Abilmelech

In Genesis 20, Abraham ends up in Abimelech’s land

Abraham lies a second time about Sarah being his sister

Abimelech takes her, believing she’s available

God sends him a dream, “Hey, you’re a dead man! You took another man’s wife...”

He confronts Abraham who says, “Well, technically she is my sister...”

He gives Sarah back after not being with her

Remember the deal?

Abraham prayed for Abimelech to be healed and the women’s wombs opened?

Abraham received silver, sheep, oxen and servants

He was also allowed to live wherever he wanted

Their relationship is strained

When Abraham left Abimelech, they made peace with each other

But the terms weren’t great

In high school, my friend dated this girl but they broke up

After high school, I was single and my friend gave me her number

We knew each other, but recently broke up with someone, started dating

Then, my friend started feeling uncomfortable - maybe even jealous

He tried not to say anything but it was obvious

It got tense for awhile because I didn’t want to hurt my friend

I never would have dated her if I knew that - but he gave me her number!

We ended things right after that, but there was an awkwardness for awhile

Nobody did anything really wrong, but it was strained

This is kinda where Abraham and Abimelech are

They’re at peace, but some bad things had happened and it’s uncomfortable

Now we’re going to see how these men handle it

And it’s a great lesson for us when things get tense

(Name is pronounced Fih-call)

Genesis 21:22 (ESV)

22 At that time Abimelech and Phicol the commander of his army said to Abraham, “God is with you in all that you do.

Remember, part of the deal is Abraham can live in Abimelech’s land

Abraham starts to lay down a reputation

Abimelech can see everything that God does for Abraham

He saw Abraham’s God destroy two cities

He saw Abraham’s God in a terrifying dream to protect Abraham

He just had a son at 100 years old

And his son made it 2 years and he threw a giant feast

It’s clear to Abimelech that Abraham is blessed by God

Because everything Abraham does, reveals who God is to those around him

Conflict Resolution Tips:

1. Work to be known by your Godliness

Your reputation matters

If we’re going to be a people of God, we have to live lives that reflect Him

The bible is something that most people agree is a good thing

Very few people would say the Bible is 100% nonsense

Many people say, “Jesus was a good man and a good teacher”

Many people use the Bible to argue their own points

Many people use it as an historical source for research

They might argue against specific points

I don’t like what it says about women

I don’t like what it says about homosexuality

Most people would say that generally, the bible is a good source of morality

Usually, when people take issue with our faith, it’s not the word of God they struggle with

They struggle with the people who talk about His word!

Mahatma Gandhi: “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

They agree, stealing is bad, mercy is good, murder is bad, charity is good...

What they don’t agree on, is us...

They say, “You talk about that book, but you don’t do what the book says!”

That’s called a double standard, it makes you a hypocrite

You say you believe it, but you don’t live like it

Matthew 23:2–4 (ESV)

2 “The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses’ seat, 3 so do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice. 4 They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger.

It’s important that we don’t make that mistake

We have to pursue a reputation that we live like we believe

Now Abimelech looks at Abraham, and sees a man of God

God is clearly with him, and his life makes it obvious

But Abimelech doesn’t stop there, look at what he says next:

Genesis 21:23 (ESV)

23 Now therefore swear to me here by God that you will not deal falsely with me or with my descendants or with my posterity, but as I have dealt kindly with you, so you will deal with me and with the land where you have sojourned.”

Clearly, although Abraham’s life is good, Abimelech remembers that lie from before

Remember he said, “She’s my sister.”

That lie has done some damage

Bad things have a tendency to stand out in our minds

I may tell the truth 100 times, but if I lie once, I’m known as a liar

I may teach truth from the word 51 weeks of the year, but if I tell you Jesus never rose, I’m a heretic

I may be faithful to my wife for 20 years, but make a mistake for one night, I’m a cheater

Abraham has done his damage with Abimelech

Now he’s been living near Abimelech for years afterward

And Abimelech still worries about that one lie

So he says, “Swear you’ll never do that again.”

He’s asking for honesty

He’s also asking for kindness

Treat me well, and treat the land I let you live in well

And do that, because I’ve been kind to you

Abraham responds this way:

Genesis 21:24 (ESV)

24 And Abraham said, “I will swear.”

This word “swear” is the Hebrew word “saba” (Shah-bah) or sheva

It should sound familiar, similar to shabbat, or sabbath

It’s related to “seba” (shay-bah) which means seven

As in God rested on the seventh day

In a loose sense, Abimelech is saying, “Give me your seven”

“Promise me seven times worth that you won’t do this.”

Remember, seven is the number of perfection or completion or fullness

The world was created in 7 days (including God’s rest)

Jericho fell when marched around 7 times

Naaman was healed by bathing in the Jordan 7 times

Seven is used 57 times in revelation, was given to the 7 churches

In a little bit, Abraham will affirm this with another 7 as well...

This shows our next conflict resolution tip:

2. Become a man/woman of your word

Tash always says, “Say what you mean, and mean what you say.”

That’s really important when it comes to resolving conflict

At the end of most arguments for me and Tash, it usually ends with

1. Acknowledging what we each did wrong

2. Apologizing and forgiving for those wrongs

3. Making a promise to work on the issues that caused the problem

I’ve seen this not work at times though, you know why?

“I promise to work on it,” is followed by, “No you wont’!”

I don’t trust you! You’ve said this before and didn’t follow through!

That’s why it’s important to follow through on your word...

That’s kind of how Abraham responds to Abimelech now:

Genesis 21:25–26 ESV

25 When Abraham reproved Abimelech about a well of water that Abimelech’s servants had seized, 26 Abimelech said, “I do not know who has done this thing; you did not tell me, and I have not heard of it until today.”

Abraham had something to get off his chest

When he left Abimelech the first time, he was allowed to live on the land

When he found a spot, he dug a well

This is important because it staked a claim

Back then, if you dug a well and struck water, you made a claim

Your possession of the well kinda made the land yours by proxy

Kind of like owning a trailer and paying lot rent

You own the trailer and so the lot becomes kind of yours

Of course, you couldn’t do this on land you didn’t have a right to

But if the king gives permission and the land is unclaimed, a well gives you land rights

Water was a huge commodity and caused many fights between people

Abraham digs a well, claims his right, and Abimelech’s guys show up

“By authority of King Abimelech, we’re claiming this well!”

And ever since, Abraham has been holding this against Abimelech

So Abimelech comes in, “Hey, let’s make a deal. You promise to stop lying and take care of the land”

Abraham’s like, “Wait a second!”

“Speaking of lying, you said I could live on the land and your guys stole my well!”

Abimelech says, “I honestly didn’t know. And you didn’t tell me.”

The idea behind this is obviously, “Okay, I’ll fix this.”

They’re both doing something really well here:

3. Learn to bring grievances in a healthy way

We can’t go off on every little thing we don’t like

And come after people in accusatory tones, wagging our fingers and insulting people

You get nowhere with that

But also, you can’t bottle everything up either

I have a horrible tendency in arguments that I have been working on for years

When arguing with people, I prefer to fight nuclear wars, rather than small skirmishes

I like to sit back and keep account of all the wrongs done to me

When I feel the like ledger is full enough, I wait until the next dumb comment or whatever...

Then BAAAM!!! I drop the bomb of 6 months worth of grievances!

Complete with supporting data, PowerPoint graphics and a moving speech

Almost like a sermon...

But honestly, it’s radically unhealthy and inefficient

Here’s why:

People can only take in so many complaints at once - they’re only going to hear maybe 20%

It slams their emotions to the floor in one move

You have to go long stretches with your mouth shut

You allow them to build bad habits in how they treat you

We tell people how to treat us

If you tell them one thing for 6 months, and slam them with something else in 6 minutes…

That’s not good

Think of your relationships like driving a car:

Is it better to make small steering corrections and stay in your lane

Or pull the wheel one direction to one side of the highway,

Then jerk the wheel all the way the other direction across all four lanes

Then slowly drift back, only to jerk the wheel again?

People who bottle things up have the same effect

You let it sit and bubble and boil, and then it explodes! That’s not good

Here, Abraham kind of makes that mistake by not communicating with Abimelech

…But at least now he brings his complaint calmly and it’s well recieved

Sadly, Abimelech never knew

People can’t work on stuff if they’re unaware they’re responsible for a wrong doing

I’m preaching to myself here, Church!

Fortunately, Abraham and Abimelech do the right thing here and now

They lay their stuff on the table and try to find a resolution

Genesis 21:27 ESV

27 So Abraham took sheep and oxen and gave them to Abimelech, and the two men made a covenant.

Back then, when you forgave, you gave a gift to show no hard feelings

Remember, Abraham was already forgiven the same way

When the whole “she’s my sister” thing went down, Abimelech sent Abraham off with similar gifts

Now, Abimelech is also being forgiven by Abraham

4. Be ready to forgive and be forgiven

In our Christian walk, our forgiveness gives us many things

It enables relationship with God

It frees us from bondage

It allows us to move forward and serve God

According to Paul, it enables us to do this as well:

Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)

32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

We are forgiven which allows us to be better

And then we give others that same freedom

Now, both men are in a state of forgiving and being forgiven

This is important because it enables the next step

These men make a covenant, it means they’re moving forward

Without forgiveness and being forgiven, relationships like this can’t really move forward

Genesis 21:28–31 (ESV)

28 Abraham set seven ewe lambs of the flock apart. 29 And Abimelech said to Abraham, “What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs that you have set apart?” 30 He said, “These seven ewe lambs you will take from my hand, that this may be a witness for me that I dug this well.” 31 Therefore that place was called Beersheba, because there both of them swore an oath.

So Abraham sets this up

He goes to his flock, grabs seven - there’s that number again - lambs

7 Wagyu, Kobe, USDA Choice, Grade A5 female baby sheep as a symbol of the covenant

Now, Abimelech knows what Abraham is doing...

But he asks, “What is the meaning of these 7 ewe lambs that you have set apart.”

Kind of like at a wedding, “Who gives this woman - her mother and I”

He’s formally asking Abraham to make a declaration as to what these lambs represent

This is to serve as outward proof that Abimelech recognizes that Abraham dug the well

So the deal is struck

Abraham will be honest with Abimelech, and he will care for the land

Abimelech will recognize that the well belongs to Abraham, and his guys will leave him alone

This is quite the ordeal - big enough to make it into Scripture!

Today, we don’t really think along these lines

Not just the way the promises are made, but promises don’t mean as much to us

It’s nothing to make a promise we don’t intend to keep

We get a loan and can’t pay it?

Oh well, I’ll file for bankruptcy and it’ll be gone in 7 years

Get married and don’t like the person?

Oh well, just get a divorce

Today, we make promises just to make them be quiet!

You ever notice that when someone follows through, we’re actually pleasantly surprised?

I expect people to be late

I leave room for stories to be exaggerated

I assume that advertisements are lies meant to sell

And when someone follows through I’m like, “Hey! Great job! So, I’m running a little late...”

Integrity is somewhat rare, we expect to not see it, and when we do, it’s a genuine surprise

But it does exist, and we should be pursuing it

5. Never underestimate the power of your promises

Someone who keeps their promise disarms people around them

It gives people a reason to trust you and a confidence in what you say

Jim Nantz: “A man's word and his intestinal fortitude are two of the most honorable virtues known to mankind.”

It’s important that our word be kept

You never know what impact it have

And you never know how much damage you might do if you don’t keep it

(Name is pronounced Fih-call)

Genesis 21:32–34 (ESV)

32 So they made a covenant at Beersheba. Then Abimelech and Phicol the commander of his army rose up and returned to the land of the Philistines. 33 Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba and called there on the name of the Lord, the Everlasting God. 34 And Abraham sojourned many days in the land of the Philistines.

As you may have guessed, Beersheba means “Well of the Oath,” or “Well of the Seven”

Beer means “well,” and of course, saba, sheba or sheva means “seven”

And the first thing Abraham does, is keep his promise

Abimelech asked him to care for the land, so he plants a tamarisk tree

It’s kind of cool, because I think there’s a statement here:

Usually, if you walk onto someone else's property and plant a tree, they’d be upset

But Abraham plants a tree here, and I think it’s because this deal kind of makes it his

This is the first officially unofficial stake in the Promised Land

Later, when Moses brings God’s people back to the land, there are lots of border references

9 times the Promised Land is shown as, “Between Dan in the North and Beersheba in the South.”

This is the Southernmost stake of God’s promise to Abraham

So the city of Beersheba still exists today in Southern Israel

This is an important place in the story of Abraham and Israel

And as Abraham sets this marker there, he calls on the name of the Lord

He calls Him, “El Olam”

Means Eternal God, Everlasting God, God of All Time and Space, or God Forever

This is important, because of how this started

Abimelech said, “I know God is with you.”

Doesn’t it make sense then, that after this great thing, Abraham turns to honor God

AND not only honor Him, but seek Him in his ability to carry out the promise he just made

We have to remember who we belong to and represent

6. Honor God in all you do

Abraham realizes he is representing God to the nation of the Philistines

Remember, Abimelech is a Philistine king

Abimelech recognizes a connection between God and Abraham

And so Abraham wants to do well for God

But he also wants to seek God so that God might guide Abraham in how to represent Him

We do that same thing today church

When we enter situations with people, we have to remember that we represent Him

Not only that, but if we want to represent Him well, we need His guidance and strength to do that

When we bring God into all of our situations, we invite the Holy Spirit to work in us

That’s how we can interact with the benefits of the fruits of the Spirit

Galatians 5:22–23a (ESV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control...

Those are the things God brings into our relationships if we let Him

If you want to deal well with conflict, you need the power of God to help you do it

In 423, a man named Simeon Stylites (stye-light-tees) started a trend

He was a Syrian monastic church elder, who was “unsuited to any form of community life”

He was particularly devoted to God, and many people sought him out

In order to find solitude, he went to some ruins climbed on top of a pillar and made a platform

He decided he would live there, apart from people

The first pillar was about 10 feet off the ground, about a yard square

Then he upgraded to one that was 50-feet tall

He survived by having young boys climb up to bring food, then a rope/pulley system

I don’t know what he did when he had to go to the bathroom

He spent his days preaching and praying, and that was it

He lived up there for 37 years until he died

Of course, others started doing this, and they became known as “Stylites” or “Pillar Saints”

Men and women who lived on top of pillars to separate themselves from people

...And to face hardship for the sake of spiritual growth - AKA asceticism

For these people, I admire their strength and self-discipline

I can’t imagine ever trying to do that

But God doesn’t call us to live lives separated from people

God calls us to relationship with other people

We are to have relationships with other Christians, our families, and other people in the world

And the truth is, those relationships can be ugly and challenging

For some of us, we have to deal with people that make us want to live on top of pillars!

But there is so much more value in seeking peace with those around us...

I’m sure we all have people in our lives that are draining

I’m sure we all have people that we have disappointed or betrayed

But I encourage all of us to face those tense moments the way we saw today

Strive to be known by your Godliness

Be a man/woman of your word

Address your grievances in a healthy way

Be ready to forgive when you’ve been wronged

And ask to be forgiven when you’ve done wrong

Remember the power of your promise

And honor God in all you do

Represent Him well

And lean on Him to give you strength to do that

It that type of living that will help to stop the schemes of the devil

And grow us into people that look more like Jesus

By the power of God!

Prayer