Big Picture Relationships

Grenades, Bombs & Wiretaps

Week 1: Big Picture

I N T R O

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How many agree with this statement?

Quality of our life is determined by the quality of our relationships.

Research shows that good relationships help people live longer, deal with stress better, have healthier habits, and have stronger resistance to colds.

Strained relationships damage emotional/physical health

They found greater strain in family relationships led to a greater number of chronic health issues such as stroke, headaches, or stomach issues.

Further more takes a toll on your emotional health — increased anxiety, depression and stress

Spiritual health

(Matthew 6:14-15) For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yours.

All felt the tension of broken / strained relationships

Be it marriage — work — friendship — family

Most if not all — directly / indirectly impacted by a broken or strained relationship

Friend group — ask who’s coming — don’t want to be around that person Navigate who you can /can’t invite if someone is coming Family gathering — missing sibling / person Addiction — destroys Tension in the room — how long lived with it — might not even notice

New Series — Grenades, bombs & wiretaps: Navigating relational warfare

Strange title for a series on relationships

While no two relationships are the same

Caught in the crosshairs feels more like warfare than love

Honest — never learned to navigate — relational tension / conflict

Most of us wasn’t modeled — taught — left to our own to figure it out.

When relationships go south — the tools we reach for first are often don’t lead us to where we ultimately want to be.

weaponize words — feelings — others to prove — the problem is the other person.

In our hurt, frustration and pain —

Throw grenades, drop bombs, have side conversations with everyone but the offender Blow up family holidays — hurl text message grenades

— To be heard and feel justified

All of us at some point — not now — deal with this

No matter how hard we try — won’t always get it right

Broken people break things

How to restore broken relationships.

Might do better than our parents, eventually fall short — need a plan to get back

All of us want quality relationships — hard to find — even harder to maintain

Series overview

Several weeks — building blocks for restoring broken relationships

Lay the foundation for a path forward Communicating for change Transferred healing Healthy conflict The first step.

On the surface — relationships don’t seem like they should be hard to fix— Truth — far more complex — easier to keep than to fix.

What is the one thing in common with all of your strained relationships?

Problem — you’re involved

It’s me hi, I’m the problem it’s me.

When it comes to many of our fractured relationships — boils down to this

They see things their way.

I see things the right way.

If everyone could just see it my way — everything would be right with the world.

When tension arises in relationships — we see things the right way — both sides dig in

Ultimately war breaks out.

Funny as it may sound —Sad — affects are far reaching — impact zone

real impact — children — families — health — quality of life

T R U T H

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I believe God shows us a way — In fact he calls us to it

May seem reaching or impossible — It is possible. With his help

God’s way — Most of us do relationships our way

Comes to conflict resolution, forgiveness, and reconciliation

When they meet our standards or agendas ready to move forward

They apologize — make the first move — I didn’t do anything wrong

When it comes to relational warfare — hold tight to our rights

They hurt me therefore I have the right to — cut them off — shut them out —

It’s my right to be angry — my right to be resentful

They wronged me — within my rights to

As followers of Jesus no longer reserve the right to hold bitterness and offense — Called to the ministry of reconciliation

(2 Corinthians 5:18–20) All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.

Reconciliation.

Restoration of friendly relationships and of peace where before there had been hostility and alienation.

Reconciliation is not the same as forgiveness — requires forgiveness

The biggest mistake we make when it comes to reconciling strained relationships is trying to go back instead of finding a way forward.

“I just want things to go back to the way they were before.”

Standard for fixed — go back — there’s no going back.

Not bad — forward is better — go back will lead you back to where you are.

The Way Forward

1. Begin with the big picture.

Get a vision for where you are going.

People who are successful have a plan — will not stumble into healthy relationships

(Proverbs 29:18) Where there is no vision, the people perish:

Q: What does a healthy relationship look like?

Cannot begin rebuilding with out a vision or where we are going.

Begin at the end — create a roadmap back.

Without a clear picture — continue the spiral of destruction.

Ex. Nitroglycerin — highly explosive compound — used to make bombs — medicine

Blow up bridges or it can heal hearts

2 approaches: The way we approach relationships — blow up/destroy

✓ Reactive Response

Volatile — Always assume the worst

They hurt me — I’ll hurt them

Only vision for the relationship is the reaction to the last conversation

Lead with emotion — react to every response

Blow up any chance for reconciliation —

not focused on the big picture — focused on getting even

✓ Proactive Response

Consistent — Always assume the best

Lead with end in mind — building towards a relationship

Space between emotion and response

Rarely, if ever, are we apologizing for a well thought-out response

Off the cuff emotional response. I felt attack so I reacted.

I love you and would like to continue to do so — take a min to respond

Judge ourselves by our intentions — everyone else by their actions

Relational Cease Fire — what if other person doesn’t want to reconcile?

(Romans 12:17-18) Do not repay anyone evil for evil … 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

God led with the big picture with us.

Saw us in our brokenness

Instead of reacting to our mess — created a way forward.

Sent his son to pay the price for our sin — restored to relationship

2. Lead with love.

(1 Peter 4:8) Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

If I’m going to lead with the big picture — what does love require?

I don’t agree with your decision — didn’t raise you to act this way — hurt me

I’m choosing to lead with love — I want a relationship.

Choose to create an atmosphere of goodness and kindness

(1 Corinthians 13:4-8) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

✓ Keep my heart free from unforgiveness.

Forgiveness without reconciliation

Cannot have reconciliation without forgiveness

(Colossians 3:13 NLT) You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Choose to forgive — I’ll forgive when they apologize

Make room for one another

Begin with end in mind — lead with love

3. Be the bigger person.

This shouldn’t be too hard — in your narrative — you’re the bigger person.

After all I’ve done for them — this is how they treat me.

What they did — how they treated you — victim of their choices.

Choosing the person over being right.

✓ Pray for them.

(Matthew 5:43-44) "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

Pray for them

God may not change their heart. Change your heart toward them.

✓ Bless them.

(Luke 6:27-28) But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

Speak well of — public and private

Stop rehearsing and start blessing.

Relationship is the end goal — bless towards relationship

Words always make their way back around

Ever had words come back to bite you?

(Romans 12:14) Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.

You can't go wrong with a blessing

✓ Do good to them.

(Romans 12:17-21) Do not repay anyone evil for evil… On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

You want a predictable story — repay evil for evil — that’s what’s expected — accepted

Want to see God restore what was broken — miracle — do it his way.

Lead with big picture —

Parents restored to children — Husbands to wives — Siblings — Friends

Lead in love

Be the bigger person — pray for you, bless you, do good

L A N D I N G

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Next four weeks — transform your life

Invite people here — cant sit beside each other — get int he same room.

This is what God did for us.

(2 Corinthians 5:18-20 MSG) All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you.

Once Adam and Eve sinned — there was no going back.

But God — made a way forward.

In his love — chose us over sin.

Sent his son to reconcile the debt

That through him — have a way forward to relationship

Didn’t go back and undo the garden — created a way forward.

Came to show us his love in action

Ends with the ultimate show of value — lays down his life

Sin had to be dealt with — Good news it has been paid

the only way to receive the payment for your debt is through Jesus.

But through Jesus — we now are restored to relationship

Our sin broke the relationship

Just as Jesus reconciled us to the father

Now we have the responsibility and call to reconcile to one another.

Hard to do unless it’s been done to you.

Must first be reconciled to God

The reconciled, reconcile

He did what we couldn’t so that we can

Yet we can’t because they won’t?

Don’t waste the years — waiting — rehearsing — avoiding