I Can't Hear You

Grenades, Bombs & Wiretaps

Week 2: I Can’t Hear You

I N T R O

_______

All felt the tension of broken / strained relationships

Be it marriage — work — friendship — family

Comes to repairing broken relationships — All want to — feeling — should to want to.

We don’t know how to — not intuitive — learned skill

Honest — never learned to navigate — relational tension / conflict

Most of us wasn’t modeled — taught — left to our own to figure it out.

Modeled your relationships — what not to do

Marriage — parent/child —

When relationships go south — the tools we reach for first are often don’t lead us to where we ultimately want to be.

weaponize words — feelings — others to prove — the problem is the other person.

In our hurt, frustration and pain —

Throw grenades, drop bombs, have side conversations with everyone but the offender Blow up family holidays — hurl text message grenades

— To be heard and feel justified

T R U T H

________

I believe God shows us a way — In fact he calls us to it

May seem reaching or impossible — It is possible. With his help

(2 Corinthians 5:18–20) All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.

Reconciliation.

Restoration of friendly relationships and of peace where before there had been hostility and alienation.

Five Decisions to Restore Broken Relationships

(Romans 12:18) If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

#1 Lead with the big picture.

Relational ceasefire

Stop behavior that contrary to the goal regardless of the other persons actions

Don’t repay evil for evil — pray — bless — do good.

#2 Reopen lines of communication

Comes to relationships — communication is foundational

Article — #1 thing that destroys relationships

Studied over 50 years — 40,0000

poor communication

Ex. Biggest fight — Jetta Story

Went for an oil change — came home with new car — 5 speed manual

How could you — not even consider talking to me

Marriage almost ended before it began

90% of conflict is the result of a misunderstanding

Disconnect between what is said and what is heard — what is expected and felt

No matter where we are — all feel we can get better

Communication — whether or not was the cause

It’s the only way out.

Once tension comes in relationship — first thing to go

Victim of the Silent Treatment

In order for reconciliation to happen at some point — have to come to the table.

Global conflicts — as long as communication channels are open — hope of resolution.

Communication is a two way street

(James 1:19) My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak …

1. We must stop to listen intently.

Intently: with earnest and eager attention

(James 1:19) Everyone should be quick to listen …

Quick to respond — slow to listen

Get our response in — I think of the best responses leaving an argument

God gave us two ears — one mouth

irony talk twice as much as we listen.

✓ Listen to what the other person is saying.

Stop to listen

Listen for the hurt — perspective

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

― Stephen R. Covey

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

I can’t hear you because I’m distracted building my defense

(Proverbs 18:2) A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.

✓ Listen to our own narratives.

There is a story we tell ourselves when it comes to justifying our actions

Why don’t you call them — why you feel that way towards them

Have you listened to the narrative lately — rehearse over and over in our minds

What happens when we hold it up to this

For God so loved the world — gave his son for you — you beside you

Does it start to conflict with to the teachings of Jesus we say we believe?

Just as he reconciled us to him — now his ambassadors — agents of reconciliation

Pay attention to narratives

Pause. Think. Listen.

Pause: Give caution to responding in the heat of the moment Give thought: what narratives have I been listening to? Listen: stop talking long enough

Hear what the other person is saying Hear how the Holy Spirit is leading you to respond.

We must listen intently.

2. We must guard our words intentionally.

Intentionally: deliberately; on purpose

(James 1:19) Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.

Does this need to be said? — does it need to be said right now?

My words always reveal my heart.

(Matthew 12:34-35) For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.

Words come out at emotional moments. Check your heart

Told them how I feel. Finally let it out

Felt good for a moment followed by immediate regret still rebuilding relationship today

Guard our words — relationships take years to build — only moments to destroy

Dealing with family. Now have a fractured relationship with no where to go

It’s not a words problem — heart problem.

✓ Allow God to transform my heart.

Anger bitterness — flowing from our hearts — allow God to begin to work in us

Until we change our heart— never change our words

(Psalm 19:14 NLT) May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

When our heart is right — affect what comes out of our mouth.

✓ Decide to speak words of life.

No matter how they respond — speak words of life

Words of affection.

Don’t be afraid to tell people you love them.

Tell my boys everyday — never want them to have to wonder.

Never underestimate how much the people closest to you need to hear the words.

Only have the words of God Father to Son recorded twice

Talked everyday — baptism — transfiguration

(Matthew 3:16-17) At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

Parents haven’t spoken to children months / years

Words of affections — You’re mine, I love you, I’m proud of you

They don’t need to hear you’re disappointed — they can feel it.

They need to know you love them.

Words of praise.

Great job — acknowledgement

I see how hard you’re working

(Proverbs 25:11) A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Words of encouragement.

(Ephesians 4:29) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Words can build others up — tear them down

World is full of discouragement — negativity — don’t add to the noise

Words of healing.

Right words at the right time — bring healing

(Proverbs 15:4) The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life...

Words of faith.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for — evidence of theirs not seen

Talking too much about what we see instead of telling them what they can become

Don't need to be reminded who they are

tell them what you see — tell them what they could be

Tell you who are you — sinners

You are the redeemed of Christ — you can be transformed and make a difference

Find a life of purpose — healing

(Romans 4:17) (Abraham) is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.

Speak over that relationship — person

We must listen intently

Guard our words intentionally.

3. We must keep lines of communication open.

Even if they don’t respond — Don’t stop reaching out.

When they are ready they will —

Takes crisis if even to reopen lines of communication

Why did it take so long

Every excuse

I just don’t care — truth care more deeply than we care to share. I’ve already tried — never respond It wasn’t my fault — they shut me out

Never shut the door —

Jesus never shut the door on us.

(Romans 10:13 NLT) For “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

Faithful to forgive — every time.

Keep the line open

L A N D I N G

_________

Our words matter so much more than we think

Guard how we use them.

I’m going to show honor. Even when you’re not being honorable

I’m going to extend grace. Even when you’re not graceful

I’m going to forgive. Even if it cost me something

Because the one who forgave me. Gave it all.

This is what we have been saved for.

To bring heaven to earth

Overcome the kingdom of this world not by repaying evil with evil but by overcoming evil with goodness

Life & death in our tongue - - use it to bring life to those around us!

Today greatest word you can say is yes.

Words have the power of life and death

Life without Christ is death (dead in our sins and trespasses)

But the free gift of God through Jesus Christ is eternal life

Jesus (May have life and life to the full)

Believe in your heart - confess with your mouth