How To Forgive

Matthew 18:1-20

We have been talking about forgiveness.

There are many misunderstandings regarding what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is not just a feeling, or a lack of feelings.

It is a commitment, an act of grace to not hold the other person morally liable and to be reconciled to that person, even though that does not necessarily eliminate all consequences.

Today I want to talk about how to forgive.

Matthew 18 is a great chapter on dealing with conflict.

As we have seen in weeks past, Jesus is dealing with conflict amongst the disciples.

They have been wondering who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Jesus takes a little child,

3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

Today as we look at how to forgive, I want to look at the rest of the chapter in this context - the context of resolving conflict.

First we see that we need to:

I. Forgive with Urgency

5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

7 Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!

8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.

9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.

10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

11 For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.

12 How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?

13 And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.

14 Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.

Reading over this section you can really sense the importance that Jesus puts on resolving conflict, or preventing conflict in the first place.

We need to realize what Jesus is saying here!

A. To Offend Is a Big Deal

Jesus in talking about offending one of these little ones makes four astonishing statements!

He says first of all, for those that would offend a young christian, It would be

1. Better to see death

6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

7 Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!

I hope you can understand how serious God takes offending another person.

He is using this little child as an illustration because this society that they were living in did not place a high priority on children…they were not important, they were to not be seen and not be heard.

But Jesus brings them as the symbol of the least in His Kingdom…He is not saying only these little children…but even one of these children.

Remember the context - conflict between the disciples.

This was the first of a series of shocking statements that Jesus makes to emphasize his point.

It would be better for you to be killed…drowned in the sea…that for you to offend another of God’s children.

Do we really take this that seriously?

He proclaims “Woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!”

That is some serious language!

And He doesn’t stop there!

2. Better to be lame

8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.

Jesus says it would be better for you to cut off your hand or your foot than to cause an offense.

He says it is better than to offend thee, but in the greater context he is emphasizing being an offense to these little ones.

The word offend is the Greek word skandalizo where we get our word scandal from.

It means to cause to stumble to be a stumbling block.

If your hand or foot causes you or anyone else to stumble it is better that you cut it off and be lame.

Now don’t leave here and think that I am, or that Jesus is, condoning self-mutilation…the point is realize the urgency and realize that to offend someone is a BIG DEAL!

But He didn’t stop there!

3. Better to be blind

9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.

Just as it would be better to be lame than to offend someone, it would be better for you to be half blind than to offend someone.

The language is quite disturbing!

It would be better for you to pluck out your own eye and cast it away from you!

It’s gross and disturbing…but that is how Jesus is emphasizing the importance of what He is saying!

He continues in verse 10…saying if you only could see on the other side of the curtain!

4. Better to be on the side of angels

10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

The word despise is not what you might think…You might excuse yourself and say… “Well I don’t despise them!”

But the word despise here means “to think light of, or to hold in contempt.”

He is saying don’t take this lightly!

It’s a BIG DEAL!

How does he prove this?

He says that their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

We know from the Book of Job that the angels report back to God on what they have been doing…do you really want these little one’s angels to report to God that you are causing an offense?

It’s a Big Deal to Offend Someone!

B. God Wants to Keep Every One

11 For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.

12 How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?

13 And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.

14 Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.

We often remove the context of these verses and use it in evangelism and it is, of course very applicable to evangelism.

But the context of this passage is offending a little one - the context is conflict resolution!

The truth is God does not want to lose any of you from this fold!

When we are not careful, we make a comment and cause an offense…and before you know it someone has left the church…quite often never to attend church anywhere again.

You want proof?

How many have heard, “I don’t go to church. It’s full of hypocrites.”

They have been hurt!

Look at the urgency of the shepherds response to losing one!

He leaves the ninety and nine

He goes into the mountains

He seeks for that one that has gone astray

And when he finds it and restores him, he rejoices more about that one sheep than all of the other ninety and nine that have stayed put.

Jesus says it is not the Father’s will that any of these will perish!

When someone leaves the church because they got offended, and maybe caused a stir…how many in the church breathe a collective sigh of relief and say, “Whew, at least that’s over!”

But it’s not over!

We need to go searching for that one.

Notice the passage says in verse 13, “And if so be that he find it...”

It’s not a guarantee that the lost sheep will be found and restored.

But God’s desire is for every one of them to be restored to the fold!

Are you as urgent about Forgiveness and seeking forgiveness as Jesus is describing here?

If not we need to repent!

We need to forgive with urgency!

II. Forgive with Purpose

What is the purpose? Reconciliation!

The passage continues…usually this is a different sermon altogether, but not in Jesus’ case…he continues...

15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

18 Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

How do you forgive with Purpose?

You do what he says here…You...

A. Go!

15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault ...

This is uncomfortable…this is awkward!

Yes, but is a command!!!

I want to give you some principles on how we ought to go, learned from this passage, but also from life and the wisdom of those who have gone before us.

1. Keep it a small group

15 ... go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone...

Sometimes situations require more than the two parties to be present…if it was more than one person involved.

But only take who is necessary!

Don’t talk about it amongst your friends...

Proverbs 16:28 KJV

28 A froward man soweth strife: And a whisperer separateth chief friends.

Keep the group small, only those who are part of the problem or part of the solution should be involved…otherwise it is gossip!

2. Be gracious

We talked about this in forgiveness, but now we are going to those who have offended us.

Ephesians 4:32 KJV

32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

Graciousness will cover a lot of hurt.

If they say they are sorry…reach out and say I forgive you.

3. Not even a little revenge

Romans 12:17–20 KJV

17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. 18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

4. Listen

James 1:19 KJV

19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

We need to realize that we have two ears and one mouth…so we need to listen more than we talk!

Proverbs 10:19 KJV

19 In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: But he that refraineth his lips is wise.

Just listen…you might learn that you were wrong!

5. Be prepared to ask forgiveness

If you discover you were wrong, ask for their forgiveness.

We are not perfect, nor do we understand everything!

Be prepared to hear the truth!

6. Believe them

If they tell you something give them the benefit of the doubt.

We are told to love our neighbors, and 1 Cor. 13 tells us...

1 Corinthians 13:7 KJV

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

If your pride prevents you from believing what they are say

If they are lying - God will take care of it!

7. Choose the time and place carefully

Right before church starts is not the right time!

Especially if I am the one that you need to talk to!

There is more important things going on than these matters.

Sometimes can mean the eternal destiny of someones soul.

The devil is a master at manipulating a situation to cause more damage!

And he often uses good things to accomplish very bad things!

8. Choose your words carefully

I don’t take much from modern psychology, but one thing that I have witnessed being true…is don’t use accusatory tones

“You did said this about me and that is gossip!”

But explain how it feels, “It made me feel deeply hurt when you told this other person ...”

Carefully chosen words can make all the difference in resolution!

Proverbs 25:11 KJV

11 A word fitly spoken Is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.

The right words in the right circumstances bring about a beautiful result.

So we better go in prayer!

9. Be Patient

If you are the one who is hurt, you probably have been thinking about this for days, weeks or even months.

Keep in mind that the other person may not even be aware that you were offended…or even that they did wrong.

Be willing to give the person the opportunity to pray about the situation and talk to you again.

10. Guard your expectations

These guides and recommendations are how to seek reconciliation…not necessarily how to gain reconciliation.

The other person may not be willing to admit blame.

If you have obeyed Christ, then that is all you can do.

Give the rest to Him, and pray for them.

If someone says, “I think you are being too sensitive,”

Respond, “That is certainly possible. But I am trying to fix this the right way. Could I ask you to think and pray about this some more, and I will do the same.”

Most of the time the two parties are able to resolve the conflict immediately, but sometimes one or the other is too stubborn.

But Jesus understood this!

B. Take One or Two Along

16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

If you cannot resolve it on your own, take someone along with you.

I would recommend one of the leadership of the church.

Since they are instrumental in the next step, if it is necessary.

Also realizing that if the other party is not already part of the problem or solution then it could lead to gossip.

But there are some important principles here:

1. Don’t gang up

If they feel like you are ganging up, it is often because one or both have a wrong spirit.

So because of this...

2. Go prayerfully

Seek God’s guidance and protection over your words as you speak to them.

Ask God to give you a spirit of Love for that person, and that you will act it as described in 1 Cor 13.

3. Go humbly

Pride just gives room for the devil to be involved rather than God.

James 4:6 KJV

6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

4. Listen

It may still be that you are wrong in the situation, or you have understood the situation incorrectly.

Listen to the other advisor and be open to hearing where you were wrong in the situation!

All the points under Letter A, applies here as well!

But if the offending party does not respond, then the Jesus tells us to:

C. Pursue Church Discipline

This is of course, in our situation a matter for the leadership of the church, which is why it is important that they are involved prior to this.

17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

18 Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

The wisdom of God is vast.

He endues that wisdom to the church, if we are yielded to Him, We will make the wise decision.

If the other party is not willing to hear and repent they are to be removed from the church membership.

It doesn’t mean we don’t try to reach out to them.

Who did Jesus reach out to?

The heathen and the publicans!

But they were not his inner circle.

The church family ought to continue to pray for their repentance and be ready to welcome him back into the church!

Jesus knew this would be a painful process, and scary!

So Jesus followed up this point by saying

18 Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Jesus’ point here is that in the context of church discipline he will support the decision that is made.

This does not speak to their salvation…we have nothing to do with their salvation…that is all God!

But rather God is willing to use the local church.

The decision made by the local church about who is kept in membership and who will be removed is one that carries the approval and endorsement of God.

19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Jesus promises when we agree and have unity, he is in the midst, and anything we ask from God will be done for us.

Oh the power of unity in the church!!

Conclusion

A word of caution!

This process is reserved for those things that cannot be handled biblically in another way:

Proverbs 19:11 KJV

11 The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; And it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

Discretion - intelligence - good sense

deferreth - postpones

glory - beauty

pass over - cover

An intelligent man with good sense will postpone anger, it is a beautiful thing to cover a transgression.

1 Peter 4:8 KJV

8 And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.

Charity - Love - God’s Love - covers the multitude [the fullness, hence a great many, multitude, throng] of sins

Before going through this process can you just let it go?

Can you pass it over - Cover it with God’s love working through you.

If so than just do it - let it go!

If you can’t then forgive with urgency and Forgive with Purpose!

It’s not just a feeling of peace, or no resentment

It is a transaction - a two party act - therefore you must Go to the Person and begin the process of conflict resolution.

God says to forgive as God for Christ sake has forgiven you.

What did it cost?

It cost a great sacrifice - this week is Easter week, this is the week we remember that great price that was paid.

I hope that you will be able to come for our Good Friday service.

I know many work, but take time to meditate on what he has done for us.

As you can see, we are not going to take communion today, I thought it best to wait until our Good Friday service.