Loving your wife

Introduction

Since I am going to be away this evening driving to my grandmother’s funeral up in North Dakota, I decided to preach my normal Sunday Evening message today. As I was studying I started looking for good sermon illustrations to go with this message and I came across this one that I thought was so deep, I couldn’t leave it out.

A woman went to the police station to report her husband as missing. She described him as "29 years old, six foot three, athletic, and handsome." The sergeant shook his head. "Wait a minute, lady. I know your husband. He’s 50, short, and overweight."

The woman said, "Sure he is, but who wants him back?"

After having told the wives to submit, you might expect a man to turn and say tot he husbands, “Ok, guys I got the women under control. Now you do your thing. Your rule.” But that is not what Paul says to them. Paul knows that the counter balance to strict authoritarianism isn’t passivism or abdicating your role. Paul knows that the solution to a tendency to be oppressors or dictators is Love. Any sermon on the husbands role in the home must begin here.

Think back to when you were a kid. How did you know that you were loved?

We always told each other that we loved each other.

We spent time together as a family.

We always gave each other presents and never forgot a birthday.

We showed affection by hugging and kissing each other.

My parents always cheered us on during sporting activities and stood up for us.

But our world is not full of marriages like that:

Husband yells at his wife

Constantly criticizes her

They never say they love each other

They don’t spend any time with each other

Meals are never around a table together. Everyone eats there own meal as they watch on their devices.

As soon as dad comes home, he sits down on the couch and watches TV.

Does your wife know that you love her?

Last week I preached from 1 Cor 13 telling us what love is and we gave this definition of love: Love is sacrificially giving of oneself to meet the needs of the cherished object expecting nothing in return. My message today is going to tell us how we should be loving our wives. If you want to see how I came up with the points, each point is centered around the word as in the text.

As Christ loved the Church vs 25

As Paul gives us guidance on what it looks like to love our wives, he starts with the greatest illustration of love in the bible: Jesus Christ.

John 15:13 “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

There is no greater example of how to love our wives than that which we have already seen in the life of Jesus Christ. But what did Christ’s love look like?

sacrificial- Sacrifice is a key word in that definition of love we just gave. The husband is love his wife as Christ loved the church. That love motivated Christ to give himself for her. Literally the phrase is to give up for her. What do you give up for your wife? Men we are pretty selfish. We like our time, our things, and our way. Can you see how this would be counterintuitive to oppressive leadership in the home? This kind of love isn’t concerned with what I want; it is concerned with what she wants.

I know so many men who refuse to let their wives no where they are going and when they will be back because they want their independence. Have you ever considered that God might be wanting you to give up your independence for her security of mind?

Many men come home and they just want to relax and do nothing. Meanwhile there wife has been rangling the kids all day long and making meals and would just love one second to have a moment to herself. Have you ever considered stepping in and giving her some time? Send her to the coffee shop for awhile so she can get away. Take over managing the kids when you get home. Maybe if you can handle it consider cooking a meal for her.

What about decision making? do you insist on your way because its what you want after all you are the head of the house right? But that isn’t how a Christlike head of the house operates. Sometimes you need to defer to what you wife wants.

spiritually seeking to grow her- I am not going to preach on these two verses in detail today because I am planning an entire message on them. But men not only are you to be the leader and provider for your home God calls you to be the spiritual leader in your home. Most of us are poor excuses for spiritual leaders in our homes. Why is it that your wife takes the kids to church for all the services but you decide your going to stay home? What example are you setting for your family? You are the spiritual leader. You should be the most spiritual one in the house. I think this responsibility includes being in church whenever the doors are open (not out of obligation but because it is necessary to your life), this includes praying with your wife, challenging her from scripture when she isn’t thinking right about a situation. Are you seriously going to abdicate your spiritual responsibility to your wife? Let me remind you as the head of your house, God will hold you accountable. Gen 3:9 “And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?” When God called out and questioned Adam about their sin, He spoke to Adam first. Eve was the first to sin, she actually led her husband into sin and yet God lays the blame on Adam.

seeking her best- for her- He didn’t just needlessly sacrifice Himself, He gave Himself for her. Christ’s motivation behind giving Himself for us was a love and desire for our best. He wanted to restore man’s relationship with God. Do you want the best for your wife? Do you insist that she only shop at thrift stores not because its all you can afford or she enjoys it, but because you are to stingy to let her spend any money on nice things? Your love in all areas should be to seek what is best for your wife.

serving her- This one doesn’t directly come from this verse, but it is in the example of Jesus Christ. John 13:1 “Now before the feast of the passover, when Jesus knew that his hour was come that he should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end.” John 13:14 “If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet.” Do you ever go out of your way to do things for your wife? To serve her. Or is she your royal assistant while you sit on your throne. Headship is not a position of authority, it is a position of service. Men you need to learn to be servant leaders. We are not dictators.

As their own bodies vs 28

The second way that men should love their wives is as their own bodies. The word as in this verse in not the word like. It isn’t saying treat her in the same way your treat yourself although that logically follows. This verse is telling her to love her as if she actually were your body. As we will see from point number three she truly is your body.

loving your own body- Men we are pretty good at loving our own bodies. Some of us have more to love than others am I right? We make sure we are fed when we are hungry. We sleep when we are tired. We rest when we are worn out. Meanwhile our wives are running themselves ragged doing all the things they have to do and never getting a break. We should be treating her the way that we would treat our own bodies.

nourisheth vs 29 This word nourisheth comes from the idea of food or sustenance. It speaks of providing for their basic needs. Men did you know that your wife has needs that are different than your needs? In college I read a book called His needs Her needs. Your wife has needs that most of us are not meeting because we assume they are the same as our needs.

She needs affirmation and appreciation. I think men you should be able to sympathize with this one. When you fix something at the house, don’t you want your wife to appreciate what you do. Your wife needs to know that you appreciate her and believe the world about her.

She needs affection and romance- When I use the word romance, men think sex. But to your wife, she interprets this as sharing of emotions and connection. If you never talk to your wife and you certainly don’t share how you feel, she will not feel the romance. She needs that connection and she is feeling shut out from your life. Show her affection, take her on dates. Write the love notes. Learn to write poetry. Do the things that make her feel romantically desired and loved.

She needs conversation- This goes with the last one, but men we all know women like to talk. But their talk is not just empty chatter. Don’t tune her out. Meaningfully engage in the conversation with her. Put the phone down or the xbox controller and have a conversation. Shut out the distractions so she knows she matters.

She needs openness and honesty- don’t hide things from her. Tell her how you really feel. Avoid words like Fine or whatever.

She needs stability and security. Your wife needs to feel secure. so go get a job and if they one you have doesn’t pay the bills get a better one. Pay the bills on time. Make sure things are repaired around the house. Don’t get into astronomical debt. Fix the car. But most of all, make her secure in your relationship. Don’t make her feel like if she messes up one more time that it.

She needs a man who puts his family first. Parenting is a partnership. You need to be working together to raise your kids to love God and serve Him with their lives. Don’t put work ahead of family. Don’t put church ministry ahead of family. Don’t put your games and entertainment ahead of family.

cherisheth- this word comes from the idea of warming like a mother hen warms her chicks under her wings. We don’t think of men as being comforting, but men we are called to comfort our wives.

loveth himself- this phrase amazed me because we so often hear it said that the wife sets the tone of the house. Happy wife happy life right. But if you trace it back further, the husband really sets the tone of the home because he sets the tone of his wife. If she feels loved and taken care of, the home life is going to be what it should be. So in taking care of his wife, he is making life easier and more pleasant for himself.

As one flesh vs 31

The third point doesn’t have the word as in the text because it is actually a subpoint under loving her as your own body. Paul quotes Gen 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” as a prooftext showing that your wife actually is your body. When a husband and a wife are married, they are to leave home, cleave or be glued to one another and the result is they begin becoming one flesh. This is a process that happens over time. Newly weds are not quite as one flesh as someone who has been married for 50 years. I have preached on this verse in more detail before but lets just review.

leaving - When you get married there has to be a break in your relationship with your parents. This doesn’t mean you stop loving them, communicating with them or respecting them; but they are no longer your family unit. You need to leave them physically, emotionally, financially, mentally.

cleaving - But the point is not to just split you from your family. The point is you cannot be properly joined to your husband or wife as long as you are holding onto those ties. The word cleave her means to be glued together. How close are you with your wife?

weaving- the idea of the one flesh relationship is a physical relationship. Men, your wife has sexual needs. The bedroom is not to be about just pleasing yourself and your own desires. Do you love your wife both relationally and sexually?

As Himself vs 33

The final verse of the chapter makes the point that you should love your wife as yourself. It is very similar to loving your wife as your body, but there is a slightly different nuance to it. There is a priority to this relationship. You love her more than you love anything else.

When you have to make a decision between her and the kids, you choose her.

When you have to make a decision between her and work, if at all possible you choose her.

When you have to make a decision between her and the guys, you choose her.

When you have to make a decision between her and some game you want to play, you choose her.

You made this decision when you first got married. Now all I am asking you to do is live it out. You need to turn to your wife and say I choose you.

Conclusion

Men maybe your fathers didn’t model or tell you how to love your wife. Thats fine, but Jesus did. He set the perfect example of how to love your wife, but he has not left us wandering aimlessly trying to figure this thing out. God’s word speaks to these issues. He wants us to know how to lead and love our wives. I spent one message on the responsibilities of the wives. There will be three to four messages on the responsibility of the husband. Because with position comes obligations. You are accountable to God so the bulk of the work lies on your shoulders. Today, I am asking you to love your wife.